The A to Z of Sex

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is X and X is for X rated

So many things are classed as x rated or things that should not be seen by anyone under 18. We have learned to associate the term X rated with anything to do with sex and pornography.

Angela Skurtu is a speaker, author, and president of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She is a Missouri Licensed Marriage Therapist and Nationally Certified Sex Therapist through AASECT. Her recent book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians" (2016) discusses the predictive factors of relationship success, 5 habits for healthy relationships, and how to keep the spark in the relationship long term. She is also writing the book, “Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist’s Manual,” (Expected 2017, Routledge). She has spoken at local and national conferences, schools, businesses, radio and youtube. She has contributed to various blogs including Good Therapy, Psychology Today, and the Huffington Post. During her seminars, Skurtu uses humor, educational skills, interactive discussion in both small and large groups, and stories to convey her message about sexual and relationship health.

We spent a lot of time talking about how important communication is and how important it is to gain consent. Angela sees getting consent at each new step to be an excellent way of encouraging couples to talk more about what they want to explore. We spoke about how often we see couples who have never explored what they desire and never really spoken about sex though they have been together for many years and how important it can be to give clients permission to explore their sexuality and to speak about all aspects of sex.

We spoke about how important it is to learn something about the new things you wish to try. Angela highlighted anal sex as an example. We spoke about how the internet can contribute to knowledge. We spoke about getting couples to be fully present with each other, to disconnect from devices and to be completely present during sex. We spoke about how people who have experienced sexual trauma need to be present during sex and how hard this can be. Angela talked of helping people who dissociate to return to their bodies before continuing the sexual experience so that they are fully present and how important it is to be sober so that they are able to be present and give clear consent. Angela also spoke about creating anticipation and teaching couples to flirt and increase desire without feeling that they must then have sex. She spoke about giving her clients permission to say no at any point and to focus on each part of the sexual experience. She also talked about helping couples to spice things up by fostering good communication and trust.

Angela can be found:

Website Link:

http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/

Facebook Link:

https://www.facebook.com/MarriageFamilyTherapy/

Twitter Link

@Askurtu

Other social media link:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSah5fsn30yWK4PDOI0kXNw

If you would like to follow her, subscribe to her Youtube channel where she offers tips about relationships and sex.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will Y and Y is for Yummy.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is X and X is for X rated 

So many things are classed as x rated or things that should not be seen by anyone under 18. We have learned to associate the term X rated with anything to do with sex and pornography. 

Angela Skurtu is a speaker, author, and president of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She is a Missouri Licensed Marriage Therapist and Nationally Certified Sex Therapist through AASECT. Her recent book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians" (2016) discusses the predictive factors of relationship success, 5 habits for healthy relationships, and how to keep the spark in the relationship long term. She is also writing the book, “Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist’s Manual,” (Expected 2017, Routledge). She has spoken at local and national conferences, schools, businesses, radio and youtube. She has contributed to various blogs including Good Therapy, Psychology Today, and the Huffington Post. During her seminars, Skurtu uses humor, educational skills, interactive discussion in both small and large groups, and stories to convey her message about sexual and relationship health.

We spent a lot of time talking about how important communication is and how important it is to gain consent. Angela sees getting consent at each new step to be an excellent way of encouraging couples to talk more about what they want to explore.  We spoke about how often we see couples who have never explored what they desire and never really spoken about sex though they have been together for many years and how important it can be to give clients permission to explore their sexuality and to speak about all aspects of sex. 

We spoke about how important it is to learn something about the new things you wish to try. Angela highlighted anal sex as an example. We spoke about how the internet can contribute to knowledge.  We spoke about getting couples to be fully present with each other, to disconnect from devices and to be completely present during sex. We spoke about how people who have experienced sexual trauma need to be present during sex and how hard this can be. Angela talked of helping people who dissociate to return to their bodies before continuing the sexual experience so that they are fully present and how important it is to be sober so that they are able to be present and give clear consent.  Angela also spoke about creating anticipation and teaching couples to flirt and increase desire without feeling that they must then have sex. She spoke about giving her clients permission to say no at any point and to focus on each part of the sexual experience. She also talked about helping couples to spice things up by fostering good communication and trust.

 

Angela can be found:

 

 Website Link: 

http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/

 

Facebook Link:

 

https://www.facebook.com/MarriageFamilyTherapy/

 

Twitter Link

@Askurtu

 

Other social media link:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSah5fsn30yWK4PDOI0kXNw

 

If you would like to follow her, subscribe to her Youtube channel where she offers tips about relationships and sex. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will Y and Y is for Yummy.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter W and W is for Watersports and other fetishes.

Watersports has nothing to do with having sex in the shower or in the ocean. Watersports is sexual play involving urine. For some people, just the thought is an instant turn off. Others are intrigued.

There are quite a few activities that can be included in watersports. Some people just like to watch someone (usually women) pee. There is a huge amount of pornography that focuses on women peeing in various places (outdoors and toilet cams). This is connected with other types of voyeurism. Some people like to watch people (again often women) pee when it is an ‘accident’. There are people who like to pee on others and some who like to be peed on. These are commonly called golden showers.

In Japan there is a separate fetish called omorashi which is the fetish for holding in your urine until the need to pee becomes urgent or making someone else hold their urine or watching someone who is clearly desperate to pee.

Many watersports fetishes are linked to domination and submission and humiliation. Some are linked to exhibitionism (peeing in public, ‘accidents’ in public).

There is pussing (which is a British term) where a man will watch a woman pee in a semi-public place like in a park behind some bushes, or in the toilet at the pub. The turn on starts when trying to smuggle the other person into or out of the toilet.

Finally there is clothes wetting which is a specific fetish in and of itself.

Research done by Jennifer Eve Rehor of San Francisco State University in 2011 found that only about 36% of the 1580 fetishists/kinky people she surveyed engaged in watersports. This compared to 94% of the sample who enjoyed spanking.

Clients who have come to see me who enjoy watersports have usually found it difficult to disclose this to their partners. Joe was petrified that his partner, Aaron, would be disgusted if he mentioned his desire to have Aaron pee on him. He told me that he had always had this desire and remembered as a child trying to get other children to pretend to pee on him. I asked him if he felt shame when he thought about this and he told me that he had always felt shame about this desire but not enough shame to stop indulging in it. Joe told me that he had only engaged in golden showers with casual partners because of his fear of being rejected. He said that he and Aaron were planning to become exclusive and he knew if he didn’t talk about this with Aaron it would mean forgoing indulging in his favourite fetish forever.

We spent a couple of sessions on reducing his shame. Lots of people who have fetishes report that shame can be paralysing. Many report fetishes beginning in childhood and being shamed by their parents for sexual behaviour. Even today children who are caught masturbating are often told they are dirty or disgusting or that their genitals are dirty or disgusting. This creates a link between shame and sexuality that is often very difficult to sever. For some, shame becomes an integral part of sex and they will seek out humiliation. These people find humiliation a turn on. However, they don’t usually experience shame as all positive. Many feel shame after these activities and can feel intense self-loathing and self-hatred. For others, the link between shame and sex makes it very difficult for them to enjoy any sexual activity. In these cases, therapy to deal with the shame and uncover where it has come from is often needed so that person can enjoy sex in the future.

Joe and I spent a few sessions working on his fears and decreasing the shame he felt. Then he practiced talking about his fetish with me for a few sessions including

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter W and W is for Watersports and other fetishes. 

Watersports has nothing to do with having sex in the shower or in the ocean. Watersports is sexual play involving urine. For some people, just the thought is an instant turn off.  Others are intrigued. 

There are quite a few activities that can be included in watersports. Some people just like to watch someone (usually women) pee. There is a huge amount of pornography that focuses on women peeing in various places (outdoors and toilet cams). This is connected with other types of voyeurism. Some people like to watch people (again often women) pee when it is an ‘accident’. There are people who like to pee on others and some who like to be peed on. These are commonly called golden showers.

In Japan there is a separate fetish called omorashi which is the fetish for holding in your urine until the need to pee becomes urgent or making someone else hold their urine or watching someone who is clearly desperate to pee. 

Many watersports fetishes are linked to domination and submission and humiliation. Some are linked to exhibitionism (peeing in public, ‘accidents’ in public). 

There is pussing (which is a British term) where a man will watch a woman pee in a semi-public place like in a park behind some bushes, or in the toilet at the pub.  The turn on starts when trying to smuggle the other person into or out of the toilet.  

Finally there is clothes wetting which is a specific fetish in and of itself.  

Research done by Jennifer Eve Rehor of San Francisco State University in 2011 found that only about 36% of the 1580 fetishists/kinky people she surveyed engaged in watersports. This compared to 94% of the sample who enjoyed spanking.

Clients who have come to see me who enjoy watersports have usually found it difficult to disclose this to their partners. Joe was petrified that his partner, Aaron, would be disgusted if he mentioned his desire to have Aaron pee on him.  He told me that he had always had this desire and remembered as a child trying to get other children to pretend to pee on him. I asked him if he felt shame when he thought about this and he told me that he had always felt shame about this desire but not enough shame to stop indulging in it.  Joe told me that he had only engaged in golden showers with casual partners because of his fear of being rejected.  He said that he and Aaron were planning to become exclusive and he knew if he didn’t talk about this with Aaron it would mean forgoing indulging in his favourite fetish forever.  

We spent a couple of sessions on reducing his shame.  Lots of people who have fetishes report that shame can be paralysing. Many report fetishes beginning in childhood and being shamed by their parents for sexual behaviour. Even today children who are caught masturbating are often told they are dirty or disgusting or that their genitals are dirty or disgusting. This creates a link between shame and sexuality that is often very difficult to sever. For some, shame becomes an integral part of sex and they will seek out humiliation. These people find humiliation a turn on. However, they don’t usually experience shame as all positive. Many feel shame after these activities and can feel intense self-loathing and self-hatred. For others, the link between shame and sex makes it very difficult for them to enjoy any sexual activity.  In these cases, therapy to deal with the shame and uncover where it has come from is often needed so that person can enjoy sex in the future.

Joe and I spent a few sessions working on his fears and decreasing the shame he felt. Then he practiced talking about his fetish with me for a few sessions including role playing talking with his partner. When he felt ready, he set up a date with his partner.  He had a movie that contained golden showers and they settled down to enjoy the movie together. He watched his partner’s reactions.  When Aaron did not appear disgusted, he felt better about raising the subject.  Watching the film led to having sex but Joe didn’t feel confident enough to suggest they add a golden shower yet. Instead, he brought it up when they were cuddling after wards. He was surprised to find that Aaron thought the idea was hot as hell. Aaron revealed that he too had always liked golden showers.    

Martha and Jared came for sex coaching because they felt that sex had become routine. Jared described sex as being on autopilot. He felt that Martha was rarely present during sex and he wasn’t ever sure if she reached orgasm. Both partners agreed that if their sex life didn’t improve, their relationship was at risk. It quickly became clear that this couple had never really discussed their desires with each other.  Like many heterosexual couples, they had sex before they talked about sex and since it worked, they never gave it another thought. It was only when sex stopped working that they were at a loss.

I had them write about their own desires first. Martha enjoyed omorashi (though she didn’t know that what she enjoyed had a name). She loved the feeling of a full bladder and the fear that she would wet her pants. There were times that she had experimented with a casual partner and wet her pants. She enjoyed this immensely as well. Martha was afraid to talk with Jared about this because she feared he would be disgusted. I encouraged Martha to find a way to approach the subject and she chose to encourage Jared to read an erotic novel that contained a number of scenes of wet panties and omorashi. They talked about the novel after Jared read it. He told Martha he found the scenes interesting but not a tremendous turn on. Martha’s original response was to become very quiet. They brought this to their next session and I asked Martha why she had become so quiet. She said she was afraid this meant that Jared would not be interested in incorporating wet panties into their sex life. Jared was surprised at this as Martha hadn’t asked him. Jared told Martha he would be happy to try anything that turned her on. I suggested that they could alternate trying things that each particularly desired and see what they could add to their sex life on an occasional or even a regular basis. The following session they were all smiles and barely contained excitement. Jared shared that seeing Martha so turned on made him extremely turned on and that they had experienced the most intense sex of their lives together. They agreed that it was better than when they first got together.

Other fetishes that can cause significant shame include: coprophilia (a fetish for sex involving shit), sissification/feminisatio (involves being forced to dress in women’s clothing and serve a dominant woman), flautophilia (farting fetish).   Of the three of these, sissification is the most common.

Sissification is different from cross dressing as men who are cross dressers do not feel a need to be forced to do so. They do so with or without a partner and though there is often shame associated with cross dressing, there is less so than with sissification. With sissification, humiliation is an integral part of the fetish. The female dominant ‘forces’ the male submissive to become female. In many cases the man is insulted or degraded. It can range from being forced to wear women’s underwear to being completely made over including make-up and given a female name. In some cases, the male submissive is fucked by his domina with a strap on dildo. There is a particular fetish for sissy maid training where the submissive is trained to be a maid, dressed in a frilly maid’s uniform to enhance the thrill. In many cases the man is placed in a chastity device so that he cannot reach orgasm without permission. In others, he may be ‘forced’ to give a man a blowjob.   

Many men who desire forced feminisation are too ashamed to talk with their partners or potential partners and will seek out a professional dominatrix in order to get these fantasies fulfilled.  For some men, this solution works well long term. For others, hiding this large part of their desires causes high levels of stress. They run the risk of losing a partner because they have been dishonest (by not telling the partner that they are seeing someone else). They run the risk of being ‘outed’ in their careers. Many live with constant deep shame and self-loathing. The shame has a double edge.  It is exciting during the sexual session yet destructive afterwards. Therapy and sex and intimacy coaching can be of great benefit to help them decrease the destructive shame and integrate their desires in to an authentic sexual life. 

If you have a fetish that causes you to feel shame, consider therapy or coaching to make sense of your feelings. You deserve an exciting authentic sexual life. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be X and X is for X Rated.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is V and V is for vaginismus. Vaginismus is vaginal tightness that causes pain, discomfort or the complete inability to have sexual intercourse. It usually is as a result of an involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles though a woman may not be aware that this is the cause of her penetration or pain difficulties. Talking about Vaginismus is something that happens more often than most in Psychosexual Therapy so today I am talking to Kate Moyle a Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and Co-Founder of Pillow Play App. Vaginismus although it is not widely spoken about impacts as many as 2 in every 1000 women, but is still not widely discussed and many don't even have a name for their symptoms until they see a professional. Kate believes in breaking the stigma around female sexual dysfunctions and that these conversations can really help people get the help that they need.

Kate Moyle is a Qualified Psychosexual Therapist working with couples and individuals to help get them to a place of sexual health, happiness and wellbeing. She believes in offering her clients a confidential and taboo free space, where they can address their sexual issues and concerns and create a path to change that is right for them as individuals. After completing a BSc degree in Psychology Kate went onto complete her Post Graduate Diploma in Psychosexual Therapy and a three year MA in Relationship Therapy.

Kate talked about the causes of vaginismus. She spoke about the symptoms and that this is very treatable. It is a psychosomatic disorder, meaning that problems, traumas anxieties cause a physical problem so both mind and body need treatment. Vaginismus can be a chronic problem and so treatment can take some time. First port of call is a psychosexual therapist. There are products to help treatment. Sh! (women’s sex shop in London) created a dilation set that is very user friendly, made of soft silicone without seams. Kate advised that people start slowly and if they have severe vaginismus maybe with a cotton bud instead of the little finger for insertion. She advised that people take the time to relax before starting any physical exercises prescribed in therapy (or discovered on the internet). Most of all she reminds people that they are not alone and that things can get better with some gentle persistence and the help of a partner, a psychosexual therapist, or even a gynaecologist. She suggests that support through the treatment is better than going it alone and I agree.

We spoke about the need for more spaces where sex is spoken openly and freely without shame.

Alongside her private therapy practice www.katemoyle.co.uk she is also a Founding Partner of Pillow Pillow Play App www.pillow.io the app that helps couples to get creative and playful with intimacy over 30 sessions. It is a follow along program that doesn’t require lots of preparation and helps couples to focus on each other. Kate has offered listeners a 25% discount on the programme. Use the code AtoZofSex at http://www.pillow.io (www.pillow.io).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be W…

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is V and V is for vaginismus. Vaginismus is vaginal tightness that causes pain, discomfort or the complete inability to have sexual intercourse.  It usually is as a result of an involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles though a woman may not be aware that this is the cause of her penetration or pain difficulties. Talking about Vaginismus is something that happens more often than most in Psychosexual Therapy so today I am talking to Kate Moyle a Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and Co-Founder of Pillow Play App. Vaginismus although it is not widely spoken about impacts as many as 2 in every 1000 women, but is still not widely discussed and many don't even have a name for their symptoms until they see a professional. Kate believes in breaking the stigma around female sexual dysfunctions and that these conversations can really help people get the help that they need.

Kate Moyle is a Qualified Psychosexual Therapist working with couples and individuals to help get them to a place of sexual health, happiness and wellbeing. She believes in offering her clients a confidential and taboo free space, where they can address their sexual issues and concerns and create a path to change that is right for them as individuals. After completing a BSc degree in Psychology Kate went onto complete her Post Graduate Diploma in Psychosexual Therapy and a three year MA in Relationship Therapy. 

Kate talked about the causes of vaginismus. She spoke about the symptoms and that this is very treatable. It is a psychosomatic disorder, meaning that problems, traumas anxieties cause a physical problem so both mind and body need treatment. Vaginismus can be a chronic problem and so treatment can take some time.  First port of call is a psychosexual therapist. There are products to help treatment.  Sh! (women’s sex shop in London) created a dilation set that is very user friendly, made of soft silicone without seams. Kate advised that people start slowly and if they have severe vaginismus maybe with a cotton bud instead of the little finger for insertion. She advised that people take the time to relax before starting any physical exercises prescribed in therapy (or discovered on the internet). Most of all she reminds people that they are not alone and that things can get better with some gentle persistence and the help of a partner, a psychosexual therapist, or even a gynaecologist. She suggests that support through the treatment is better than going it alone and I agree.  

We spoke about the need for more spaces where sex is spoken openly and freely without shame.   

Alongside her private therapy practice www.katemoyle.co.uk she is also a Founding Partner of Pillow Pillow Play App www.pillow.io the app that helps couples to get creative and playful with intimacy over 30 sessions. It is a follow along program that doesn’t require lots of preparation and helps couples to focus on each other.  Kate has offered listeners a 25% discount on the programme. Use the code AtoZofSex at www.pillow.io.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be W…

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is U and U is for Uncircumcised. In this episode, I will only look at circumcision of males.

Circumcision is an operation in which the foreskin of the penis is removed. The foreskin is the part of the penis that covers the most sensitive portion –the glans or head of the penis. If you are in certain age groups and were brought up in America, you may not realise that there are uncircumcised penises. The first uncircumcised penis I ever saw was at 27 years old when I had sex with my first husband for the first time. He was British and it wasn’t popular in the UK to get circumcised for anything other than religious or medical reasons (whereas in the US almost all men who were born in that age group were circumcised unless a parent objected). I was shocked at first. My initial response was to ask him what was wrong with him! That almost derailed our first sexual experience entirely. When he finally understood the problem, we both had a bit of a laugh. It took me some time to get used to the difference in appearance. At rest, the foreskin covers the head of the penis and some are large pockets of skin and very loose. Others are smaller and just barely cover the head.

There are a variety of reasons that men are circumcised. Jewish men are circumcised at 7 days old as part of a covenant with God. Muslim men are circumcised at a similar time as part of a birth ceremony for the same reason. Men who convert to Judaism must be circumcised in order to convert. Of course in the time that the Old Testament was written, regular baths and showers were not the trend and so circumcision to increase hygiene made more sense.

The most common medical reason for circumcision is a foreskin that is too tight and doesn’t retract as the penis enlarges so that the head of the penis is trapped and this is very painful. The foreskin and glans can grow together and only separate when the boy is about three years old. So some doctors recommend waiting until the boy is older before making the decision to circumcise.

The second medical reason that is often given for circumcision is balanitis which is an inflammation and then infection of the foreskin and/or the glans. This can be caused by poor hygiene, candida, allergy to soaps. Any of these can cause damage to the skin leading to inflammation and then infection.

Finally circumcision can be offered as a treatment for adult men if a tight foreskin is making sex painful.

Circumcision in childhood reduces the risk of penile cancer but penile cancer is rare in any event. Sexually transmitted infections are more common in uncircumcised men. It is suggested that uncircumcised men are less likely to notice the symptoms of things like chlamydia. The safe sex discussion is essential in any sexual encounter but even more essential with uncircumcised guys.

There is a lot of debate as to the downside of male circumcision with some saying that it decreases pleasure and others talking about the risks of the operation. There are problems in 2% of medical circumcisions and these range from bleeding, infection, psychological impacts and sexual problems.

Despite all the debate 2/3 of men are still circumcised. It took until 1999 for the American Academy of Paediatrics to conclude that there were no specific benefits to circumcision. Many American parents prefer circumcision from concerns that their boys will be teased for looking different or that their boys will feel uncomfortable looking different from their fathers.

Now that we have covered some of the facts relating to circumcision, let’s turn to how to approach an uncircumcised penis in order to give the most pleasure....

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is U and U is for Uncircumcised. In this episode, I will only look at circumcision of males.

Circumcision is an operation in which the foreskin of the penis is removed. The foreskin is the part of the penis that covers the most sensitive portion –the glans or head of the penis.  If you are in certain age groups and were brought up in America, you may not realise that there are uncircumcised penises. The first uncircumcised penis I ever saw was at 27 years old when I had sex with my first husband for the first time.  He was British and it wasn’t popular in the UK to get circumcised for anything other than religious or medical reasons (whereas in the US almost all men who were born in that age group were circumcised unless a parent objected). I was shocked at first.  My initial response was to ask him what was wrong with him! That almost derailed our first sexual experience entirely. When he finally understood the problem, we both had a bit of a laugh.  It took me some time to get used to the difference in appearance. At rest, the foreskin covers the head of the penis and some are large pockets of skin and very loose. Others are smaller and just barely cover the head.  

There are a variety of reasons that men are circumcised. Jewish men are circumcised at 7 days old as part of a covenant with God. Muslim men are circumcised at a similar time as part of a birth ceremony for the same reason.    Men who convert to Judaism must be circumcised in order to convert.   Of course in the time that the Old Testament was written, regular baths and showers were not the trend and so circumcision to increase hygiene made more sense. 

The most common medical reason for circumcision is a foreskin that is too tight and doesn’t retract as the penis enlarges so that the head of the penis is trapped and this is very painful. The foreskin and glans can grow together and only separate when the boy is about three years old. So some doctors recommend waiting until the boy is older before making the decision to circumcise.    

The second medical reason that is often given for circumcision is balanitis which is an inflammation and then infection of the foreskin and/or the glans. This can be caused by poor hygiene, candida, allergy to soaps. Any of these can cause damage to the skin leading to inflammation and then infection.  

Finally circumcision can be offered as a treatment for adult men if a tight foreskin is making sex painful.  

Circumcision in childhood reduces the risk of penile cancer but penile cancer is rare in any event. Sexually transmitted infections are more common in uncircumcised men. It is suggested that uncircumcised men are less likely to notice the symptoms of things like chlamydia. The safe sex discussion is essential in any sexual encounter but even more essential with uncircumcised guys.  

There is a lot of debate as to the downside of male circumcision with some saying that it decreases pleasure and others talking about the risks of the operation. There are problems in 2% of medical circumcisions and these range from bleeding, infection, psychological impacts and sexual problems. 

 Despite all the debate 2/3 of men are still circumcised. It took until 1999 for the American Academy of Paediatrics to conclude that there were no specific benefits to circumcision. Many American parents prefer circumcision from concerns that their boys will be teased for looking different or that their boys will feel uncomfortable looking different from their fathers.

Now that we have covered some of the facts relating to circumcision, let’s turn to how to approach an uncircumcised penis in order to give the most pleasure.  Since if you are like I was, you may not have a clue what to do when confronted with one!  First make sure that your man has good hygiene. There is nothing worse than a nasty penis. If he doesn’t smell clean and fresh, start by washing him with soap and warm water.  Or jump in the shower with him. Or have a ritual that you follow in preparation to have sex that includes washing him. Personally, I prefer not to have to be face to dick before I realise he needs a wash, so if I am with a new man I try to incorporate bathing or showering into foreplay. 

Once a man is fully hard, his foreskin will roll back naturally.  However you can bring your man great pleasure by playing with his foreskin.  The foreskin is full of nerve endings and it can be extra sensitive.  So you have to be careful as you start to play with it. Do not suck too hard and make sure not to pinch unless your man is into pain. 

You can use your hand and slide the foreskin gently back and forth. 

Using your tongue to circle the inside of the foreskin can be really hot. Or stroke lightly with thumb and forefinger. This is highly sensitive so you may need to back off a bit. Some people say that the head of the penis in an uncircumcised man is less sensitive and others say it is more sensitive. Before you go nibbling the head, check and see which is true with the uncircumcised man you having sex with.  Ask him if he likes his penis being nibbled.  If he does, you can use your teeth to just graze over him and give him a different sexy sensation.

You don’t have to worry as much about deep throat with uncircumcised guys which can be great if you find deep throating difficult. I still advise practice so you can get as much of the penis in your throat as possible with gagging.  Practice teaches you how to partly disable your gag reflex. If you don’t do this for a while, I’m afraid that you will have to practice again ladies. This skill does not stick like riding a bicycle.  But if you have built the skill before, it will be quicker this time.  Practice on fruit and veg, or use a dildo.  Just practice, practice, practice! Some uncircumcised men have a more sensitive head to their penises and so are easier to please. Sucking and licking the tip can bring him to orgasm more quickly.

Some women say that uncircumcised penises feel better during intercourse.  I have now had sex with a number of uncircumcised men and a number of circumcised men and I did not notice that one type was better during vaginal intercourse. Some women report finding orgasm during intercourse easier with an uncircumcised man. They talk about the ‘gliding sensation’ as being exciting.  The foreskin is bunched up a bit at the base of the penis when the penis is full extended and this may provide some extra friction against the clitoris in some positions which may be why some women report more vaginal orgasm with uncircumcised men.

Some people say that an uncircumcised man finds it harder to last as long as a circumcised man because he is more sensitive. I have not found this to be true. Then again, most guys have to work at lasting longer when they first begin to have sex with other people. During masturbation coming quickly is not a problem. In fact, sometimes it is an advantage. Being able to have a quick wank in the loo during the day can add to excitement. Coming quickly with a partner is usually not an asset. Men usually learn how to pace themselves as they start having sex with other people and being able to wait until your partner has had an orgasm before you come is considered a great skill. 

The uncircumcised penis is said to have skin that is more velvety than the circumcised penis so this can lead to lower pain during intercourse in women who are having trouble with lubrication.  

Hand jobs can be easier if a man is uncircumcised as the foreskin is doing some of the work for you. The pre-cum acts as a lubricant between foreskin and head of the penis.  

Docking is a sexual activity that can only be done if a man has a foreskin.  Docking is when one man puts his penis inside the foreskin of the other man.  For heterosexual men, foreskin to nipple play can be enjoyed along with tongue and finger in foreskin. 

Putting on a condom can be a bit confusing the first time you try it with an uncircumcised man.  Being honest, I find putting a condom on a man a bit tricky anyway. I grew up in the age when the man put the condom on and didn’t expect his partner to help him.  It wasn’t incorporated into sex play. So I didn’t learn how to put a condom on a dick until I was in my 30’s.  I never had enough practice to become really adept at it. I can help but I’m not an expert. This is another one of those skills it is well worth practicing.  

In any event, to put a condom on an uncircumcised man, just slide his foreskin back and put on the condom.

There is lots of debate as to which type of penis is more sensitive and whether there is a loss of sexual pleasure when a man doesn’t have a foreskin.  It is really difficult to prove one way or the other as the individual is the one who is describing the amount of pleasure. In the end, cut and uncut men find all types of sexual activity pleasurable. Spend the time to explore and discover the man you are with and you will find all the different ways you can make sex a blast.  

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be V and V is for Vaginismus.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is T and T is for Transgender and Non-Binary Gender Identification. The Oxford English Dictionary defines transgender as someone who’s self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventions of male or female gender. Non-binary gender identity (sometimes called genderqueer) is defined Wikipedia as a ‘catch all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine – identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity. Cis gendered refers to people whose gender identity conforms to their biological sex so cisnormativity highlights that these are the usual norms applied (those that apply to people who identify as the same gender as their biological sex).

Joining me today is Dr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.

Welcome to the show. Please define the terms transgender, non-binary and cisgendered better than I did above! Meg-John defined transgender as the larger umbrella term that covered anyone who identified differently from the gender assigned at birth. They made the point that actually very few people see themselves as completely male or completely female. They highlighted that non-binary refers to those who see themselves as outside the binary male/female, heterosexual/homosexual, dominant/submissive, active/passive, asexual/highly sexual. I then asked about queer and they said that this has many definitions. Queer theory is an academic discipline that looks at all things non-binary (bisexuality for example, or polyamory as well as non-binary gender). They have just written a graphic novel all about Queer history. You can get it here. They spoke about how much fun it was to research this and to see the imagery come to life when working with the artist.

We went on to talk about some of the concerns there are for the transgender and non-binary community (which is actually quite large as up to 1/3 of people can identify as not 100% the gender assigned at birth). We spoke about the importance of identifying non-binary people with the pronouns they prefer and how often they are not seen and that being invisible takes a large toll on people. They reported the rates of mental health issues as higher for trans and non-binary folk than for those who identify as male or female and that this is similar to the research on bisexual people. We spoke about how you can practice using the pronoun your friends and colleagues desire and that this will make it easier to remember. We spoke about how many ways non-binary and transgendered people are made invisible each day – on forms, passports, when addressed by strangers and how important it is for resources directed at them. We spoke about the need for gender neutral spaces and that they encourage all people to think about the ways and places they might be non-binary. And there was so much more. Dr Meg-John Barker’s main website is http://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to...

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is T and T is for Transgender and Non-Binary Gender Identification. The Oxford English Dictionary defines transgender as someone who’s self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventions of male or female gender. Non-binary gender identity (sometimes called genderqueer) is defined Wikipedia as a ‘catch all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine – identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity. Cis gendered refers to people whose gender identity conforms to their biological sex so cisnormativity highlights that these are the usual norms applied (those that apply to people who identify as the same gender as their biological sex).  

Joining me today is Dr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History. 

Welcome to the show. Please define the terms transgender, non-binary and cisgendered better than I did above! Meg-John defined transgender as the larger umbrella term that covered anyone who identified differently from the gender assigned at birth. They made the point that actually very few people see themselves as completely male or completely female. They highlighted that non-binary refers to those who see themselves as outside the binary male/female, heterosexual/homosexual, dominant/submissive, active/passive, asexual/highly sexual. I then asked about queer and they said that this has many definitions. Queer theory is an academic discipline that looks at all things non-binary (bisexuality for example, or polyamory as well as non-binary gender).  They have just written a graphic novel all about Queer history. You can get it here. They spoke about how much fun it was to research this and to see the imagery come to life when working with the artist.

We went on to talk about some of the concerns there are for the transgender and non-binary community (which is actually quite large as up to 1/3 of people can identify as not 100% the gender assigned at birth). We spoke about the importance of identifying non-binary people with the pronouns they prefer and how often they are not seen and that being invisible takes a large toll on people. They reported the rates of mental health issues as higher for trans and non-binary folk than for those who identify as male or female and that this is similar to the research on bisexual people. We spoke about how you can practice using the pronoun your friends and colleagues desire and that this will make it easier to remember. We spoke about how many ways non-binary and transgendered people are made invisible each day – on forms, passports, when addressed by strangers and how important it is for resources directed at them.  We spoke about the need for gender neutral spaces and that they encourage all people to think about the ways and places they might be non-binary. And there was so much more. Dr Meg-John Barker’s main website is http://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be U…