The Babylon Bee

The Queen Bees, Destiny, Jess, and Chandra, join their blockheaded husbands, Kyle, Ethan, and Dan, for a great Valentine's Party on The Babylon Bee Podcast. They talk about their spouse's annoying habits, tough guys from San Bernardino getting stabbed, and Kyle's thing for feet. In the subscriber portion, they answer questions taken from subscribers and the ladies are subjected to the world-famous Ten Questions!

Chandra is a different color than Dan

The horrors of parenting

Some of the scariest moments of having children

Why a kid will need a rhino leash

Relationship Questions

Spouse's Annoying Habits

Cultivating desire or repulsion

Kyle's Thing For Feet

Fighting is a good thing

Don't leave your meat trash in the sink

Tough Guys From San Bernardino

Patrick is single, ladies

Subscriber-submitted questions

Wives Answer The Ten Questions

This is the Babylon Bee Interview Show.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to Kerri Pomarolli, comedian, actress, author of 6 books, and "out-of-the-closet Christian in Hollywood." Kerri has worked with Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, performing in numerous sketches. She has hosted the Gospel Music Awards and has a Dry Bar Comedy special coming up. Her book Confessions Of A Proverbs 32 Woman has been featured on The Babylon Bee. Topics include Mormon heaven, comedy in the Trump era, and keeping her ex-husband in her garage.

Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Topics Discussed

Mormons and heaven

Jim Bakker story

Earthquake kits

Asian babies

Ancestry

Being outside of the Liberal bubble

Confessions about Proverbs 32

Essential oils

Married people

Value of ex-husbands

Homeschooling

Healing through prayer

Honor students

Organizing moms on Facebook

Being asked out by a 22 year old dentist

80s entertainment

Henry Winkler

TikTok

Parler

Instagram

Linkedin

Cobra Kai

Trump voting

Mike Lindell having secret information

Soap opera acting

Working with Jay Leno

Being openly conservative in Hollywood

Having to say no to films

Wikifeet

Touring with your ex-husband

Divorce

Subscriber Portion

Roaming the isles of Homegoods

Steven Wright

High energy Kyle

Jonas Brothers

Casting Crowns

Amy Grant

Meeting Kirk Cameron

Dukes of Hazzard

Kathy Lee Gifford

Sean Astin

Hosting red carpets

Behind the scenes of The Tonight Show

Jim Carrey

Losing the edge in comedy

Eminem

Mormonism

EHarmony

Future of stand up comedy

Censorship

Subtle racism of entertainment

Hallmark movies

Smiling under a mask

10 questions

Kyle, Dan, and Jonathan Watson, of TheOneRing.Com, guide you to Crickhollow, where Samwise Gamgee's conspiracy is unmasked, and then on to a spooky ancient forest that tries to kill the hobbits. Then, as Kyle puts it, a "cracked out hobo" comes to rescue them. It's two chapters this week on The Babylon Bee Reads The Lord of the Rings!

Chapter summaries: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry make it to the tucked away house in Crickhollow and also meet Fatty who with Merry has been getting the house ready. The three travellers all bathe together and sing (in separate tubs), eat food, and Frodo finds out that his friends have known all along about the conspiracy to get the ring out of the Shire. Their plan is to sneak out through a small gate in the hedge that separates Buckland from the Old Forest. We learn that the Forest is very much alive and at enmity with the "colonizers" of Buckland. The four hobbits going through the Old Forest quickly find the forest against them! Old Man Willow causes the hobbits to fall asleep, traps Merry and Pippin within its cracks, and almost drowns Frodo. A cracked out hobo in the woods comes to their rescue!

Some questions or themes:

The fellowship seems to be borne in Chapter 5. Merry and Pippin refuse to let Frodo rush off into danger without them coming too.

The stouthearted loyalty of the hobbits in their friendship

The Forest being alive and at enmity and able to react to the trespassers

Intro to Tom Bombadil

MAILBAG

Kyle and Ethan from The Babylon Bee talk about bears crashing a techno jam, spinach is now sending e-mails, and how to generate a Christian movie using the internet. There's weird news, stuff that's good, and glorious hate mail.

Introduction

Welcome to the newly revamped Bee Weekly. But first, A clarification on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez article.

Subscriber Dare

Weird News

A mob of left-wing radicals armed with hatchets and knives took over a Washington hotel on Sunday -- wait, the corporate media didn't tell you??-in-wa-on-sunday-the-media-told-you-all-about-it-right

Bear interrupts DJ's online techno jam

Hitler's toilet seat is going up for auction

This tech company returned to their office after lockdown to discover the building was now under the control of 20,000 bees!

Elon Musk's Brain Company Hopes To Make a Cyborg Monkey Play 'Mind Pong'

Texas accidentally issues Amber Alert for cursed doll Chucky

Scientists Have Taught Spinach To Send Emails

STUFF THAT'S GOOD

Ethan has stuff that's good: Inferno City Firehouse

Topic of The Week

Can the internet make a better Christian movie than what is already out there? We generated a Christian movie using the internet.

Hate Mail

Lynn says that The Babylon Bee is the laughing stock of all the Republicans in her great area.

Subscriber Portion

Can the internet make a better Christian romance film?

Mailbag

Rush liked our interview with James White and is praying for Ethan.

Subscriber Headlines of the Week

Got Any Cool Stories?

This is the Babylon Bee Interview Show.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to Matthew Hongoltz-Hetling, author of A Libertarian Walks Into A Bear, a book about what happened when libertarians took over a small town in New Hampshire with the one goal of dismantling its government and then the bears arrived. Matthew is an award-winning author, longform writer and investigative international journalist based in New England and his work has been featured in the Associated Press and USA Today.

Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

Topics Discussed

The small world of bear authors

Axe Cop

Libertarian Utopia

Problems with Libertarian utopia

Bears arrive

Burying the lead

People that would move to a Libertarian utopia

The Libertarian pastor

New England's history with bears

Bear vs llama

Subscriber Portion

History of utopia's

Fordlandia

Epcot

Matthew's diverse and oddball career before journalism

Small town journalism

Ethan story

Why we need small town journalism

Vampires in New England

10 questions

11th question about reaching out to the other side

Frodo, Sam, and Pippin continue trekking through the Shire in this week's The Babylon Bee Reads The Lord Of The Rings with Kyle and Dan joined by Jonathan Watson from The One Ring, an online fellowship as well as a place for cool Middle-Earth maps and articles. We discover Farmer Maggot, some black riders, and the shortcut to mushrooms.

Note: We had to salvage the audio on this episode after running into several separate production issues, but the discussion is good and we hope you still enjoy it.

Chapter summary: Frodo, Sam, and Pippin make for Bucklebury after spending the night at a wooden hall where they were hosted by the elves led by Gildor Inglorion. Frodo worries about taking his friends into danger or exile. Sam states his loyalty to Frodo no matter what. Frodo and Pippin banter. They decide to stay just off the road so they won't be spotted on the road by Black Riders and cut straight across the country to Bucklebury Ferry bypassing Stock, crossing the Stock-brook and missing the Golden Perch's fine beer. Sam spots a rider behind them at the top of the green bank from where they climbed down right when they start debating going back because of difficult terrain. They hear the Nazgul cries and cut across open ground until they come to more orderly lands and ultimately Farmer Maggot's lands. Frodo is distressed because he was a mushroom thief and terrified of the farmer's dogs. The farmer was just getting his dogs out due to a black rider being suspicious on his lands. He brings them in and feeds them and gives them good ale on tap and gets them to Bucklebury Ferry.

The banter between Frodo and Pippin.

Pippin didn't want to leave Frodo any breakfast but Sam insisted.

"I don't want to answer a sting of questions while I am eating. I want to think!" "Good heavens! At Breakfast?"

"Short cuts make long delays" "All right!" I will follow you into every bog and ditch! But it is hard! I had counted on passing the Golden Perch at Stock before sundown! The best beer in the Eastfarthing…" "That settles it!' said Frodo. "Short cuts make delays, but inns make longer ones."

The stout loyalty of Sam

'If you don't come back, sir, then I shan't, that's certain,' said Sam. 'Don't you leave him! they said to me. Leave him! I said. I never mean to. I am going with him, if he climbs to the Moon; and if any of those Black Riders try to stop him, they'll have Sam Gamgee to reckon with, I said. They laughed.' … way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back. It isn't to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want – I don't rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me.'

Special Elf Drink

"When they came to make their meal, they found that the Elves had filled their bottles with a clear drink, pale golden in colour: it had the scent of a honey made of many flowers, and was wonderfully refreshing. Very soon they were laughing, and snapping their fingers at rain, and at Black Riders. The last few miles, they felt, would soon be behind them."

They start singing louder and louder and the evil and lonely sounding black riders begin to cry to one another. CREEPY

Farmer Maggot

A Black Rider had been asking the Farmer about Baggins right before they showed up. Gives advice to stay in Buckland, not get mixed up with those weird Hobbiton folk like Bilbo and says if the Black Rider comes back, he'll deal with him! They get supper, ale, and a dark ride to the ferry and a basket of mushrooms.MAILBAG

Lynn asks us to set aside our Jacksonian lenses.

From David on expected and unexpected parties.

From Sarah on finding rest for this crazy world in Tolkien.

For Kyles fixation on Tolkien tattoos, a message from RDeis23.

From Real Lawyer, Not Rules Lawyer on the cool-as-a-cucumber Gandalf.

2hokies has an audiobook recommendation.

Kyle and Ethan from The Babylon Bee talk about Gavin Newsom lifting lockdowns, GameStop stonks, and the impeachment of a former president. They also throw down in an epic rap battle and tell you how you can have a zoo name a roach after your ex.

Introduction

Kyle and Ethan have a rap battle so you will throw money at them.

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes his trusty Leatherman Rebar.

Ethan likes his new collection of G.K. Chesterton poems signed by the man himself.

Weird News

Zoo offers to name roaches, rats after patrons' ex-lovers

GoPro camera recovered after six years underwater in Hawaii

Skier chased by a bear at Romanian resort

Inventor unveils airbag jeans to protect motorcyclists in crashes

Oklahoma bill would establish a Bigfoot hunting season

Toronto woman finds knife-wielding squirrel in the back yard

Man catches 54 pieces of popcorn in his mouth in one minute

Stories of the Week

Story 1 'You Can Reopen Now!' Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings

Story 2 GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games

Story 3 Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents

Topic of the Week

https://babylonbee.com/news/another-10-fulfilled-prophecies-from-the-babylon-bee

Hate Mail

Richard takes issue with us assuming the fate of the eternal soul of Jeffrey Epstein or making light of hell.

Subscriber Portion

Subscriber Update

Mailbag

A LOVE MAIL from Joseph R. and asking for advice on marriage & purity, and also to dispute Kyle and Dan's ranking of LOTR films.

Bonus Hate Mail

Kwame thinks our AOC coverage is bad and we should feel bad.

Subscriber Headlines of the Week

Got Any Cool Stories?

We get an unbelievable update about one of Calvins- you already know which one.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk to James White, best known for debating Atheists, Catholics, and Muslims. He is the host of The Dividing Line Webcast, and Director of Alpha and Omega Ministries. He is the author of more than twenty books and an accomplished debater on subjects ranging from the King James Only controversy, Roman Catholicism, Islam, Calvinism and Mormonism.

Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

Topics Discussed

Apologetics ministry

Jeffery Durbin

Keeping church open during Covid

Abigail Shrier

America is heading toward Leftism

Muslim debates

Preaching from Luther's pulpit

Learning from the past

Islam belief systems

Start of the King James only controversy

Greatest gifts to young people before college

Gale Riplringner cultism

James' White favorite Bible translation

Sweater Vest Dialogues

James White 2nd best selling book

Grief after death

Calvinism and the problem of Evil

Defining Arminianism and Free Will

Subscriber Portion

Hanging out with Skillet

Worse debate stories

Atheists trying to own James White

Disasters of debate

Memes of James White

Western culture doesn't understand debates

Youtube debates

G.K. Chesterton eternal destiny

Roman Catholic question

Beetle Dung hills

Why most protestants would agree with Catholics

10 questions

Good fight story

From the heart of the Shire, through the depths of Moria, to the ends of Middle-Earth, it's The Babylon Bee Reads The Lord Of The Rings! In this episode of The Babylon Bee Reads, Kyle and Dan are joined by Jonathan Watson, creator alongside his two friends of TheOneRing.Com, which can also be followed on Facebook. Kyle, Dan, and Jon continue their fellowship in reading through The Fellowship of the Ring, this time in Chapter 3 Three's Company, where three hobbits encounter black riders and elves in their very own Shire.

Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

The story so far: The Shadow of the past summary- Gandalf has told Frodo all about The Ring and that he is no longer safe in the Shire. Samwise is recruited to accompany Frodo.

In this chapter:

Frodo has to slip out of the Shire unnoticed so he hatches a plan of pretending to move to a new house in Crickhollow beyond/near Buckland where his Brandybuck side lives while the plan is really to make for Rivendell.

Plans to leave on his 50th birthday

Life lesson: "What is to be my quest? Bilbo went to find a treasure, there and back again; but I go to lose one, and not return, as far as I can see.' 'But you cannot see very far,' said Gandalf.

Something spooks Gandalf who leaves suddenly to try to get news/ he tells Frodo to not use the ring! He promises to be back in time for the birthday party and to set off with Frodo (this does not happen- dang wizards).

Frodo's wine is not included in the sale of Bag End to the dreaded S.-B.s. and does not offer her any tea when Lobelia comes with an inventory list.

Frodo leaves for a leisurely night hike to set out with Sam and Pippin and hears unpleasant voice asking about him at the Gamgees. They get their packs and Sam says farewell to the beer barrel in the cellar.

Sam's character: 'I am sure you have given me all the heaviest stuff,' said Frodo. 'I pity snails, and all that carry their homes on their backs.' 'I could take a lot more yet, sir. My packet is quite light,' said Sam stoutly and untruthfully.

They walk, encamp, banter, eat, walk, eat, walk on a southern side road running through hill country eastward when they hear hooves coming up behind them. Frodo wants them to hide and "curiosity or some other feeling was struggling with his desire to hide." The rider seems to have an invisible nose and is using it to smell for someone. They begin traveling alongside the road a stone's throw to avoid detection.

They encounter a rider again and then run into the elves who take them to a wood hall. Gildor!

The Black riders are scared of the elves.

The hobbits see the distinction between the Black Riders and the Elves.

What is the significance of the songs they sing in this chapter?

Gildor offers protection for the hobbits and is impressed with Frodo, naming him "Elf Friend." Gildor tells Frodo and the hobbits to carry on without Gandalf and to avoid the black riders.

Gildor tells the hobbits that he'll send word to any other allies about his journey, although Frodo will discover that the elves are increasingly leaving Middle Earth.

The Babylon Bee Reads LOTR Inn & Pub

MAILBO BAGGINS

We receive powerful testimony the brings up question about what money is used in the Shire

On Fairy Stories and Eucatastrophe.

The Will of the Ring.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Skynet being a private company so their Terminator robots can do whatever they want to you, Democratic states are suddenly following the science on lockdowns, and how the right is learning from the left's past four years on how to cope when they feel like the president is not their president. There's weird news, glorious hate mail, and Kyle can't say the word "dang."

Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.

Introduction

Kyle can't say 'dang.'

Stuff That's Good

Kyle likes C.S. Lewis' Abolition of Man

Ethan likes Run, Hide, Fight from The Daily Wire Run Hide Fight Trailer

Dallas Sonnier Interview with Ben Shapiro

Weird News

New wristband the 'Moodbeam' tells your boss if you are unhappy

Joe Exotic had a limo parked outside his prison, along with hair, makeup, and wardrobe people on standby, in case Trump pardoned him which never happened.

Link

A California man was arrested Saturday and accused of hiding in a restricted area of Chicago's O'Hare International Airport for three months.

Stefan Thomas, of San Francisco, says he has made peace with forgetting his Bitcoin password that would turn him into a multimillionaire.

Thomas, who recently was featured in The New York Times, has about $220 million worth of Bitcoin locked away on a hard drive that will erase its data after 10 password attempts.

A New Guinness World Record!

Musician plays box drum for over 25 hours for new Guinness record

Amazon removes 'distasteful' coronavirus masks from sale.

Stories of the Week

Story 1: 'Skynet Is A Private Company, They Can Do What They Want,' Says Man Getting Curb-Stomped By Terminator

Summary: Local man Karl Langler argued that Skynet is a private company and can do what they want as a Terminator T-800 curb-stomped him and then vaporized him with a plasma rifle. "Listen, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation. But only the government can violate your first amendment rights. Skynet is the creation of Cyberdyne systems and is a private company. They have the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform."

Story 2: Democrat States Follow The Science By Doing What Florida Did Back In May

Summary: Democrat-run states are now calling on the nation to follow the science by doing what Florida did back in May: don't do lockdowns.

Story 3: Republican Starting To Think Trump Might Not Pull Off A Last-Minute 4D Chess Move

Summary: Local Republican man Edward Chasney admitted Wednesday that he's starting to worry Trump might not actually pull off a last-minute 4D chess move to win the election.

Topic of the Week: How to cope with life under a president you find hard to accept

Put on a neon vest and shriek at the sky

Accuse him of colluding with a foreign adversary with no evidence while sleeping with a Chinese spy

Impeach him at least 3 times, even on the final week of his presidency - why not go for four

Riot in every major city, set fires, and loot for weeks on end for like 6 months - but whatever you do DO NOT riot at the capitol

Make every Late Night joke some variation of 'your president bad'

Have all comedians stop doing comedy and instead spend every waking minute tweeting at the president with some sort of expletive-laden Braveheart speech

Immediately assume half the country is secretly Nazis

When dining out, scream at all the other diners that we now live under a dictator between bites

Take 12 months worth of hormonal birth control at once and scream into your camera

Get a permanent face mask with stay 6 feet away printed on it

Keep all of your friends and family that agree with you close enough to hear the echo in the room

Make sure to do a deep dive into every actor and musician's Twitter history to make sure they align perfectly with your views. If not, cancel them.

Don't forget to embrace diversity as long as everyone still sees things exactly as you do

Keep the news on 24 hours a day and never leave the house. Always be on Twitter and your phone. Make sure you know everything the president is doing at all times.

Weep uncontrollably until 2024

Hate Mail

Judith seems to think we are racist and don't understand the Calvinism/Arminianism debate, and doesn't appreciate the Biden color chart for covid relief calculations.

Subscriber Portion

Behind the Scenes Update

Bonus Hate Mail

Updates to the podcast

Headline Forum Highlights

Got any cool stories