The Beak » Breakfast with the Beak

This week, some nefarious goings-on have forced us to talk about Tim Allen. What can Tim Allen teach us about modern American manhood? How much can we blame on him? And speaking of manly things, how long before we get distracted and start talking about that Rick Perry video? Have you seen that thing? That […]

What’s your strategy for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Sure, you think you have a pretty good plan, but we’re talking about it anyway because you asked. We damn “The Walking Dead” with faint praise, pitch a book to that lady who wrote “Twilight,” and tell some stories about the weird phone calls we get […]

It’s Beatles vs. Stones day, and we’re not wasting our time debating who the better band is… we’re just putting them in a cage match and letting them fight it out! Did Ringo have Care Bear-style superpowers? What the hell were the Care Bears’ powers anyway? When the hell did everyone’s suitcases get so big? […]

It’s our Thanksgiving Spectacular, and our topic is… surge protectors. Do they work? Yes. With that out of the way, we’re free to talk about pretty much everything else, whether that be frozen desserts shaped like real food, the stupid side of faster-than-light travel, or just some big-ass magnets. And if a whole bunch of […]

Wait, really? George W. Bush? This show didn’t even exist when he was President! But someone asked, so we’re going to examine his stupidity and, more importantly, his legacy. And by ‘legacy,’ we mean a gaggle of GOP candidates that we’re going to single out for mockery one by one. You like that? Yeah you […]

What separates a YouTube celebrity from, you know, a celebrity? Do millions of views matter if no one at the party has ever seen your show? Can we relate in any meaningful way to tween culture? These are the questions we’re avoiding this week as we discuss what it takes to be a breakout star […]

For years, a question has haunted mankind: how the hell did someone first figure out that cow milk was suitable for drinking? We answer that question, and explore the psychology of prehistoric humans, mostly by making shit up. Also, Leonardo da Vinci writes fan fiction about himself, a drinking game turns into a dramatic reading, […]

Why doesn’t your dehydrated fruit look as nice as Ron Popeil’s? If that question has been plaguing you for years, you can finally relax because we’re going to answer it for you! Travel into the mysterious world of food stylists, learn the truth about “painless” hair removal, and listen to us yammer on about Star […]

This week, we were supposed to talk about the urban legends surrounding the games we grew up playing. And we did for a while. But then we got really, really fixated on a minor character from a 17-year-old game that a lot of you might not even remember. But if you’re a fan of a […]

This week, we delve into the world of serious Biblical scholarship as we debate who would win in a no-holds-barred smackdown between Western religion’s most revered figures. How does this relate to Hitler’s time machine, star-whales, and fruit-bearing Ents? You’re going to have to listen to find out, but we promise it will become clear. […]