When exactly does death truly occur?  When your heart stops?  When you stop breathing?  When you buy a minivan?  And, if you die, can you come back?  If you come back, were you really dead?  If you really do die, and enough people sign a petition, can you come back the next fall on another network?

I think my cousin died.  And we all died a little with him.

It’s been raining.  A lot.  Buckets and buckets, to the point where the house is warping out of recognition and it is messing with my head.  And the alarm system.  (Don’t worry robbers, it’s fixed)

Hudson has to (gets to) dress as  John Hancock and John Paul Jones (the American revolutionary, not the bass player for Led Zepplin) for an upcoming school event, Walk Through the American Revolution.  I can’t wait.  It was my big New Wave Drama Geek chance to dress him up like Adam Ant from Stand and Deliver.  Nice.  Some great finds at the local Goodwill Store.  The key to good will?  Give first…

The kids markered all over the dining table with a Sharpie.  Yet, somehow, I managed to be the one to ruin the finish…

Hudson and I recommend Fantasyland Costume Company.

CLICK HERE TO PLAY

I  had part of a song stuck in my head for 30 years.  My friend Timmy B and I went to see a band play live back in 1981 or ’82 called, wait, what was their name?   Kind of a reggae-rock sound, like The Police.  A local band?  Anyone?  Well, thanks to the joys of Google and YouTube, now, thirty years later, the entire song is stuck in my head…

My kids have been going to comedy college, studying the works of Ball and Marx and Borge.   Hey, better than Jonas and Montana and Spongepants.

I participated in a script reading.  You sit around and read a movie script for a movie someone is hoping to produce.  The reading was at the home of a horror movie starlet, and included the tall blonde character comedienne and the young dude from the vampire show.  Not bad.  Now, if you know my history around “famous” people at all (Meg Ryan, Bebe Neuwirth, George Clooney) you know I usually manage to make an ass out of myself.  Well, this time no such luck.  At least I think so.  I  wonder if I could get the phone number of the movie star girl and see if she thought I seemed like an idiot of not.  Although I assume the call would cinch it…

THANK YOU to Miché Fambro for letting me use “Going Nowhere.”  Check out the video on YouTube, and check out all of Miché’s work, past and present, at Miche.com.

FREE VERSION: Half hour

Forgive me for what must look like a bunch of typos. My blog is going crazy and messing up all the code. I’ll get it fixed soon. THANKS!

So, how is it the I had never heard of tilapia until 2008? I’d heard of tuna, cod, swordfish, salmon, etc. but never tilapia. Now, of course, since 2008 I’ve eaten seventy pounds of the stuff.

Do we really need the world gourmand? Perhaps a gourmet and a gourmand both have refined palates, but the gourmand enjoys the food more?

While shopping for tilapia (which I bought) and chicken breast (which they didn’t have),  I managed to knock over the < Febreze© display and miss a rather important text message from my wife.

I had to take the kids to IKEA, to buy a coffee table that we were hoping to turn into a desk for Hudson.  We barely made it there.  And, we barely made it out.  We finally did buy the coffee table, and ended up witnessing two very unlikely events (both due to my daughter)

Yes, that is a photo of David Lawrence’s headshot at Fuddruckers.  STOP STARING AT ME!  I’M TRYING TO EAT!

FREE VERSION: 25 min.

PREMIUM PILL VERSION: 1 hour, 5 min.

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

These are still messing up the blog, but here are links to the music from the Holiday Party show.

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Dean Martin

Buy at iTunes Music Store

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Berlin Symphony Orchestra

Buy at iTunes Music Store

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Various

Buy at iTunes Music Store

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Welcome to the Bitterest Pill Holiday Party! Wow, is this a strange one…

I invited friends of the show to send or phone in some audio, pretending that they are at a holiday party at our little house under the flight path.  I got some VERY interesting input, needless to say.  So, we took that audio, added to it to make it sound like we’ll all having real conversations, and this is what we got.

Wanting to add a bit of holiday cheer to the proceedings, I brought in my protege, Hudson, who co-wrote this one and really helped make it come alive.

SPECIAL THANKS to everyone who phoned in (and didn’t leave their names) as well as the internet’s own (in order of appearance):

Hudson Klass of Boring Sunday Movies (Hudsonman Production)

Cush of Things I Say

Tim Coyne of The Hollywood Podcast

Orson Welles of Citizen Kane

Clinton of Comedy4Cast

Evil Mastermind Dr. Steve and Fidgert his sock-shaped assistant,  of The Radio Adventures of Doctor Floyd (Thanks to Grant Baciocco for getting us in contact with Dr. Steve)

THANKS FOR LISTENING!  HERE’S TO 2010!

(We’re not traveling this holiday season, so I hope to have a nice regular “apology” Pill out to you really soon!)

Due to technical problems with the blog, I can not include links to the music included in this show at this time.  SOMETHING is messing up the blog, big time, deleting letters, putting strokes through all the words…IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY!  Sorry…

In this audio promo…

PILLBOX: Premium Pill Year One is available now for only $17.50!

Also, get 30 days of The Bitterest PIll Premium for FREE when you sign up before Dec. 31st.

Call 888-315-5753 to be on the Pill Holiday Party Show.  Leave a message wishing everyone Happy Holidays, pretend you need to be buzzed in, ask for your coat back so you can make a hasty escape.  I don’t care.  Just leave a message and be on the show!

And, lastly, I love my new (future) hit song Shake That Thang (I Can’t Sing), so I thought I’d send it out to everyone.  ENJOY!

I try to remind everyone that Halloween is not actually a form of devil worship (while dusting off some very old stand-up material).  Also, and it may sound like a symantic arguement to you, but just because I can’t find something doesn’t mean it’s “lost.”  And, how exactly am I supposed to handle it when someone is telling me something as if it’s the first time for the hundredth time?  Is there protocal for that?

I also talk about my mother, and my grandfather, the a-hole.

(Hard drive trouble left me without the regular theme song. Forgive me for the nostalgia)

Antonio fixes my TiVo, and Lou doesn’t get his $300.  But, everything works out in the end?  Really?  Wow…

This episode is currently only available to Premium Pill subscribers.

I recently had a strange encounter at my local Ralphs grocery store.  An encounter that suddenly felt like an incident and almost became an altercation.  I don’t know if the cashier mistook me for a shoplifter or a serial killer or if he just hates handling “returns,” but after getting nowhere with the store or the seemingly helpful people at Kroger (the parent company), I give up and will never shop their again.  EVER.

It all boils down to this: What exactly does the cashier mean when he says, while you are simply trying to return a mop, “I know you.  I’ve played this game with you before?”

Before that I discuss the rather plump envelope I received from the IRS (and I don’t mean the defunct 80’s record label) and how they wanted about 50% of Y in back taxes.  Huh?  Yeah, that’s what I said.