The Codependummy Podcast

-How did we go from babies crying to meet our needs to children ignoring our needs to not inconvenience mom and dad?

-What are the signs of codependency in children?

-If we start to show codependent behaviors as children, is it irreversible as we grow older?

-What can we do, whether parents or without children, to foster a sense that our children's needs (or our inner child's needs) MATTER?

In this week’s episode, we are graced with the gracious presence of Ofra Obejas, LCSW, who is a play therapist who specializes in working with children. In the episode, you’ll hear Ofra open up about her own experiences of codependency and how she continues to combat it as a consequence to experiences from her childhood. Ofra describes to us what codependency can look like in children, how to distinguish the term “enmeshment” from healthy attachment, and answers whether or not we are doomed to be codependent forever once it takes hold in our childhoods. It’s a must-listen!

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

More on this episode’s guest:

Ofra Obejas plays with kids for a living. She is a play therapist in the Los Angeles area. She provides child and family therapy and parent coaching.

www.redondovillagecounseling.com 

Click to download Ofra’s PDF: https://puye7p6j.pages.infusionsoft.net 

More deets on this week’s episode:

We begin by hearing about Ofra’s definition of codependency. “The reason we become codependent is when there is a conflict between competing factors. It can be unsafe, intolerable, or too scary” to prioritize our needs above others or in balance with others. 

Ofra opens up about experiences in her childhood, namely with her mother, father, and older sister, which contributed to her developing codependency out of fear of abandonment. 

Ofra goes on to give great examples of codependency in her own life as well as in the children, parents, and families she has worked with throughout her career. 

I ask Ofra about enmeshment and how we can distinguish that from healthy attachment (since the two can look, sound, and feel the same BUT THEY ARE NOT).

Ofra provides us hope by asserting that codependency is never irreversible since it is a learned behavior. That means that we can unlearn it my dear, sweet codependummy. 

We conclude with steps we can take to help discourage codependent behaivor in children (and ourselves). Remember, you matter and your needs matter. 

Questions for you:

1. What came up while you heard Ofra talk about her definition of codependency? Do you agree you likely became codependent due to you asserting your needs was unsafe, intolerable, or scary?
2. How did you feel while hearing about Ofra’s experiences in her childhood? How do you relate?
3. What do your enmeshed relationships look like in your family, friendships, or other areas in your life?
4. How can you start to practice what Ofra encourages and start to believe that you needs matter?
5. If you have children, how can you encourage interdependent rather than codependent behaviors by using Ofra’s guide? Click here to download: https://puye7p6j.pages.infusionsoft.net 
6. If you don’t have children, how can you encourage interdependency in yourself and take care of your inner child? Click the link above to download her free PDF.

Thank you for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

• What happens when we become codependent with friends?
• How do codependent patterns like dependence, preoccupation, jealousy and absorption impact friendships?
• Why do we need to stop being all-or-nothing in our friendships to ensure their healthy sustainability?

In this episode, you’ll hear me, your girl Marissa, talk about my “friendship boneyards.” That is, the pile of dead friendships from my past that were damaged by my codependency. I have amassed multiple BFFs (best friend for life) who I no longer talk to today. How could I be their BFF and now have no contact with them? It’s simple: codependency. You’ll hear me talk about how codependents tend to engage with close friends through four traits: dependence, absorption (total involvement), jealousy, and and preoccupation. I home in on one friendship from my early 20’s in hopes that, by hearing about my behavior, it will spare you from adding to the piles of your friendship boneyards. More failed friendships to come in future episodes since I sadly have a few. Thanks for listening!

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - check out The Confiding Codependummy for just $1 a day for the next month (it’s $30 total). 

www.codependummy.com - check out the Self-Validation Challenge for free!

More deets on today’s episode: 

We start with a temperature check. How’s your temperature? What’s coming up in your metaphorical weather today and the remainder of the week? 

I then describe what the heck “Friendship Boneyard” even means. It’s inspired from The Lion King and represents all the former “best” friendships I’ve had that have died. Throughout my 20’s, I had multiple “best” friends that I no longer talk to today. This is thanks to my codependency and not addressing issues in the friendship before their demise. Ring a bell?

The lens we are looking through is inspired from Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More, where she discusses open and closed systems. In general, codependents tend to engage with others, including friends, in closed systems that involve dependence, jealousy, total involvement, and preoccupation. 

I describe the four traits of closed systems by applying them to my friendship with “J.” Oh, the dependence, absorption, preoccupation, and jealousy I had in that relationship for her. I wanted to be her one and only despite not being her one and only. It ended with her basically disappearing after 3 years of friendship. This sounds sad but, like I say, I have multiple friendships that ended this way. 

Questions for you:

1. What comes up for you as you hear about closed and open systems in friendships? How does it relate to your friendships? 
2. Do you have a friendship boneyard?
3. Any interest in reaching out to those people? If so, why? If not, why not?
4. How can you start to make more meaningful friendships by prioritizing traits of open systems?
5. How can you be your own friend this week???

Thanks for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-With babies being naturally dependent on mothers, how can that dependency become codependency as children get older?

-How can motherhood serve as fertile soil for codependent relationships between mothers and their children?

-What are some initial steps we (as young women) can start to take to lessen our codependency on our moms AND avoid creating codependent relationships with our future children?

In this episode, I sat down with Yuliya Golubev, LHMC, CASAC, to discuss how codependency relates to perinatal mental health. What’s perinatal health? The aspects of mental health that relate to pregnancy: before, during, and after giving birth to a child. Yuliya specializes in working with young women who are becoming new moms and she’s also been a new mom! She shares ways that the dependency in children can, if we are not careful, turn into codependency as they get older. Hear how Yuliya helps her clients become aware of their codependent patterns in order to create healthier relationships. She also adds how adult women can stop being codependent with their mothers. It’s a must-listen! 

Thanks for supporting the show!

About Yuliya: 

Yuliya Golubev is a licensed psychotherapist in the state of New York. She runs her private practice where she supports millennial women going through major life transitions and also provides support for those on the parenthood journey.

www.yuliyagolubev.com

@golubevtherapy on IG

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

www.codependummy.com/challenge

www.codependummy.com 

Want to come on the show: email [email protected] 

More deets on the episode:

We start with hearing about Yuliya’s definition of codependency. She emphasizes how codependents often become “rigid” in the way they interact with others where they lack flexibility. Can you relate? Yuliya opens up about ways she was raised in a collectivistic culture which contributed to her codependency since she learned to think of others more than herself. 

Yuliya shares examples of feeling codependent with her own children when she was a new mom. She talks about practicing self-care, however, how she “wasn’t present and I was thinking about my kids the whole time.” THIS IS SUCH A GREAT OBSERVATION, YES? Just because we start to take care of ourselves and stop being such codependendummies does not mean that we won’t experience self-doubt, anxiety, or difficulties in creating new and healthier patterns. 

Yuliya then describes how motherhood can be the fertile soil of codependency. Since infants are so dependent on their mothers, it’s possible that a mother may become codependent with her children if she keeps putting their needs before her own. 

We conclude with Yuliya sharing about ways new moms can avoid being codependent with their children through AWARENESS. She provides some great questions for all of us to reflect on to help us become conscious of our codependent interactions. She also shares ways we, as young women, can combat codependent relationships with our mothers even if we are way older than infants! 

Questions for you:

1. What comes up when you hear Yuliya’s examples of codependency? Do you relate to feeling guilty when you practice a new behavior that combats your codependency?
2. If you’re a mom, how did you navigate the dependency your infant child had on you when they started to grow older? 
3. If you’re not a mom, how do you sense you may become codependent with your children if you aren’t aware of yourself and how you are interacting with them?
4. Are you a grown-ass woman and still codependent with your mom? Your dad? How can you bring more awareness to those relationships?
5. How are you doing?! Feel free to email me, Marissa, with an update or a request for the show–I’m all ears!

Thank you for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-Where do we begin with getting real, honest, and real honest about our pasts?

-What gets in the way of being honest about the roots of our codependency (and how does that keep us codependent)?

-When, why, and how can we start to tell our truth, even if it involves others like our parents?

In this episode, I have the honor and privilege to sit down with Paul Gilmartin, Host of Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast. Paul shares about his codependency and what that has looked like for him before and after he joined 12-step recovery programs. You’ll also hear how Paul cultivated the courage to talk openly about his past, including his relationship with his mother, despite having a codependent relationship with her. How does a codependent tell their truth if and when it involves being hurt by those they are most codependent with? Tune in to hear Paul’s journey to telling his truth. Thanks for listening! 

About Paul:

-Paul Gilmartin is the Host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mental-illness-happy-hour/id427377900

-He has amazing surveys for listeners to fill out anonymously. They may help you tell your truth! Go here to check out different survey topics: https://mentalpod.com/

-Here’s the episode where Paul interviewed me on codependency this past summer: https://podcasts.apple.com/no/podcast/543-codependency-marissa-esquibel/id427377900?i=1000525031453 

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

www.codependummy.com/challenge

www.codependummy.com 

Want to come on the show: email [email protected] 

More deets on the episode:

We start with hearing about Paul’s definition of codependency and he shares about his codependent experiences. Paul talks about ways he was codependent with his mother and how, due to his father’s alcoholism, he felt like he had to play the role as her emotional support. 

Paul discusses what codependency in his life looked like before and after he started attending 12-step meetings and support groups. He shares about the empathy, support, and encouragement he received in his meetings as well as from therapy which helped him share honestly about the antecedents to his mental health struggles. 

I then ask Paul about how he was able to share openly on his podcast about his past, particularly his relationship with his mother. Paul reveals how it was the culmination of therapy, support groups, finding supportive friends, having guests on talking about their pasts, reading listeners stories about what they had been through, and other factors related to his healing that led him to open up about his past. 

How did he start to talk so openly about his mom? As you hear, there is no easy formula. It’s messy. “And it’s not about demonizing people. I just have to share my truth.” You’ll hear about my own realizations about what I have had to share thanks to all our guests and listeners talking about the connections between our childhood, family, and past trauma with the development of codependency in adulthood. 

We conclude with Paul sharing about one of his favorite coping skills: LAYING DOWN. What coping skill are you already utilizing that works? No, you may not read about it on some “Top 10 Coping Skills” list–but if it’s working for you, I encourage you to keep doing it and do it more often if possible! 

Questions for you:

1. What comes up when you think about ways your mom and dad contributed to your codependent behaviors?
2. Do you blame your parents for your codependency? Do you see how their actions contributed to your codependency developing? Or do you sense they did the best they could and it’s up to you to heal from codependency?
3. If you had a platform like this podcast, would you talk openly about your relationship with your parents & family or not? If so, how come? If not, why not? 
4. Where do you sense you are in your journey in talking openly with others about what you have been through? What have you been met with in response by others when you have spoken honestly?

Thank you for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What has happened to Listener ND since he came on The Codependummy Dilemma and started his 30-day Self-Validation Challenge?

- What happens to a codependent when they stop seeking validation from others and start to provide it to themselves?

-How can spending 1-10 minutes every evening validating yourself turn into a true change in your external and internal world?

In this episode, I check in with Listener ND about the ongoing rewards of his taking on the 30-day Self-Validation Challenge. ND came on The Codependummy Dilemma back in June and was assigned by Marissa to have a “nightly call” with himself every evening to provide the validation he so sought from others. “Give that validation you want to yourself” was the prescription and ND has freakin’ done it! He went 30, 60, 90, and how 180 days validating himself. Tune in to hear about all the changes he has experienced and his encouragement that you can have the same if you take on the SVC! 

Thanks for listening! 

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com/challenge - start the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge STAT!

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - get your copy of The Confiding Codependummy for just $1 a day for the next month (it’s $30!). 

Want to come on The Codependummy Dilemma? Email [email protected] to start the process. Who knows? Maybe you’ll inspire another challenge!

More deets on today’s episode: 

We kick things off with a timeline with Listener ND: 

-He emailed me to say thanks in late May/early June

-I invited him immediately to come on for The Codependummy Dilemma

-ND said “Yes” and came on in mid-June. 

-I challenged him to 30 days of practicing Self-Validation since he acknowledged that was what he sought in a previous relationship which took a toll on him and his ex. “Why not provide the validation you crave to yourself?”

-We checked in at 30, 60, and 90 days.

-Now we are here, with ND, after 180 days of validating himself on a (mostly) nightly basis! 

Questions I have with ND:

1.       What do you want to say to validate yourself for practicing self-validation for the past 6 months?
2.       How has practicing self-validation improved your relationship with yourself?
3.       How has it helped you improve your relationship with others?
4.       How has this daily practice –which takes minutes-- helped you specifically with becoming less codependent?
5.       What surprising things did you learn about yourself from these nightly check ins?
6.       What do you sense contributed to you being able to start this practice and keep doing it for 30, 60, 90 days, 180 days?
7.       Other listeners have thought about it, maybe started it, stopped and started again. With January 1 around the corner which is the perfect time to try out the self-validation challenge for 30 days—what can we say to them?
8.       What about the listener who has thought about coming on for the codependummy dilemma? How has your decision to come on created a ripple effect in your life?
9.       Beyond listening, coming on the podcast, starting the self-validation challenge – what other things have you done that have helped with your healing from codependency that you can share with us?
10.   Any favorite episodes, guests or topics you’d like me to revisit? Any topic you’d like to request I cover in the 2nd year of the podcast?

Thank you ND for coming on and sharing how the SVC has helped you. Girl, hop on it and get yourself the challenge: www.codependummy.com/challenge Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy 

-What happens to codependents around Christmas time with all the obligation, tradition, and family time?

-How can our efforts to be appreciated, loved, and approved of by others backfire before, during, and after the holiday?

-What are some steps we can take this holiday to avoid the anxiety, anger, and agitation of “Stress-mas?”

In this episode, you’ll hear me, your girl Marissa, talk about what codependency can look like around Christmas time. Cue to doing everything for everyone and getting nothing from no one! I open up about memories of my Christmas pasts and the messages I received from my parents about meeting the needs of others. You’ll hear about the sustainability versus the unsustainability of our codependent patterns around Christmas time and steps you can take to avoid the Stressmas struggle this year! Thanks for listening! 

Helpful links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - check out The Confiding Codependummy for just $1 a day for the next month (it’s $30 total). 

www.codependummy.com - check out the Self-Validation Challenge for free!

More deets on today’s episode: 

We begin with a grounding activity. Please repeat at your discretion this holiday! Start by taking some deep breaths and then tune into your 5 senses: 

Look around and list silently to yourself:

5 things you can see. 

4 things you can hear.

3 things you can touch/feel.

2 things you can smell.

1 things you can taste. 

I see…I hear…I touch…I smell…and I taste. 

We then review our working definition of codependency: A way of being where one puts the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others above their own…in an unconscious attempt to fulfill one’s own thoughts, feelings, and needs.

How does this relate to Christmas?

Potentially, as codependents–codependummies–we can spend this holiday like we do most of our lives but it’s just turbo, supercharged, hyper-codependency. With this holiday, we can put the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others above our own due to a sense of obligation, a desire to be a martyr, a slave to tradition, or out of fear of being rejected by others. 

I then share about memories of Christmas and all the things my mom and dad did for myself, my sisters, our relatives, and others (it was A LOT!).

I then reflect on how all their doing impacted me: I tried to control them by helping in hopes that they wouldn’t argue, snap, or be Grinch-y.

My efforts as a codependent both helped and hurt the situation at Christmas. 

Questions for you: 

What has Christmas been like for you growing up? 

Do you sense either of your parents or family members prioritized the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others too much above their own? 

How did that impact you? 

How did you cope with that? 

Did you lean in like I did, withdraw like I did at other times, or respond somewhere in between? 

Here are the steps/parts of my interdependent codependiamond life that I have integrated to change what Christmas means for me. Think of it as a Holiday Survival Guide:

• Let go of the need for approval

• Separate tasks

• Remember it’s all OPTIONAL

• Make the meaning

Merry Codependummy Christmas to you, my dear listener, and to all a good nightwww.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What is it about the saddest and most pathetic songs and codependency?

-What happens when we keep relating to codependent songs in our relationship with others and ourselves?

-How can we reject messages like those in “Love Me” and prioritize self-reliance, self-love, and self-care?

In this week’s episode, we are back with DJ CODEPENDUMMY Part II where we analyze “Love Me” by The Cardigans. Marissa will continue to apply the song to a codependent relationship in her past to help build your awareness of codependency in your own life. The ultimate goal of this segment is to help us distance ourselves from relating to these sad codependent songs. Instead of singing to these lyrics full of heartbreak and dependency, let’s look for songs that inspire our empowerment so we can stop playing small and start taking up space! 

Lovely links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for a copy of The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious YOU. For just $1 a day, you’ll get the podcast’s premier product that is packed with writing prompts to help you develop the awareness, insight, and consciousness of your codependency that you seek! 

A like, share, and a rating is much appreciated girl! 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

D D D D DJ CODEPENDUMMY. PART II.

Let’s look at my behavior through a lens from Alfred Adler’s writings:

-Living in fear of one's relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people. 

-It is true that there is no person who wishes to be disliked. But look at it this way: What should one do to not be disliked by anyone? There is only one answer: It is to constantly gauge other people's feelings while swearing loyalty to all of them...If one is living in a such a way as to satisfy other people's expectations, and one is entrusting one's own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is lying to oneself and continuing that lying to include the people around one.

Ex-boyfriend’s pseudonym is Kid Cudi for your reference. 

First lyric for Part II:

I don't care if you really care

As long as you don't go

I share how, despite ongoing problems, I stayed in the relationship and did my utmost for him to stay as well. We would have small breaks and then he turned into an almost-stalker but I thought it was very romantic. We both were very codependent with each other and could not get rid of each other. The most codependent aspect of this lyric is the fact that we codependents just need someone around. It doesn’t matter if they care--we just can never be alone. 

Second lyric for Part II: 

Leave me, leave me

Just say that you need me

I can't care 'bout anything but you

During one of our many break-ups, I actually had a very exciting experience where I made out with a fellow classmate who I’d secretly had a crush on FOR YEARS. But even that, even the success of making out with this guy who I called Mr. Perfect, was not enough to distract me from my codependency with Kid Cudi. I truly did not care about anything but him and kept my eyes on that prize rather than on other potential partners who were much nicer, more available, and kind. The most codependent part of this lyric is seen in the not caring about anything but him. We codependents neglect ourselves and our relationships all for one codependent relationship we hope will deliver all our contentment. It’s a lie and we need to let go of this pattern.   

Big themes:

-we obsess over others while neglecting ourselves - what does he want? As opposed to what do I want?

-we tolerate being mistreated and feel deserving of it while indebted by others because of it

-we lack trust of others and, rather than address it headon, we poke around to confirm our suspicions

-we relinquish responsibility of our happiness to others, or another, and act like we have absolutely no autonomy

Questions for you:

How do you relate? 

What have the lyrics of this song looked like in your life? 

How can we apply these lyrics now? 

Ideally - how can you love, need, not fool, care about yourself? 

Thank you for listening! 

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-How does “Love Me” by The Cardigans showcase codependent patterns in unhealthy romantic relationships?

-To what extent did I go to in order to have an ex-boyfriend from my early 20s “love me, love me, say that you love me”?

-What can we do to stop relating to these codependent songs and start finding meaning in songs that encourage interdependence? 

In this week’s episode, we are back with DJ CODEPENDUMMY where we analyze a song that’s lyrics are chock-full with codependent sentiments. Marissa breaks down the lyrics to the 1996 hit “Love Me” by The Cardigans. She applies the lyrics to one of the most codependent relationships in her life: an up-and-down romance with an ex-boyfriend from her early 20s. You’ll hear Marissa open up about some of the saddest and most pathetic codependent moments in her life. Despite all the pain and suffering in the relationship, Marissa stayed and lived out lyrics like “I can’t care about anything but you.” It’s a must-listen!

Lovely links:

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for a copy of The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious YOU. For just $1 a day, you’ll get the podcast’s premier product that is packed with writing prompts to help you develop the awareness, insight, and consciousness of your codependency that you seek! 

A like, share, and a rating is much appreciated girl! 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

D D D D DJ CODEPENDUMMY. 

Let’s look at my behavior through a lens from Alfred Adler’s writings about anxious patients, especially in dependent relationships: their fears fears for the fate of other persons. They act as if without their aid the others would be incapable of caring for themselves. They always give advice, want to do everything themselves, find new dangers, and never rest until the other person, confused and discouraged, confides himself to their care. Let’s look at the relationship through this perspective. 

Ex-boyfriend’s pseudonym is Kid Cudi for your reference. 

First lyric:

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem

You love me no longer, I know and

Maybe there is nothing that I can do

To make you do

I share about how my ex-boyfriend not loving me was a problem. The most codependent part of it was my obsession to answer that question: Maybe there is nothing that I can do, to make you do [love me]? It was a question, as if I could figure out a way to make him love me. Codependents do this: we think we can do things to be loved, liked, appreciated. 

Second lyric: 

So I cry and I pray and I beg

Love me love me

Say that you love me

I recall how I schemed, despite being dumped, to reunite with my ex-boyfriend. All I wanted and needed was for him to say that he loved me. And my plot worked! We got back together--like a hundred times! The most codependent part of this lyric is seen in how we codependents need others to love us for us to feel loved. We rely on others to feel loved without knowing how to provide that love to ourselves. 

Third lyric:

Fool me fool me

Go on and fool me

Love me love me

Pretend that you love me...just say that you need me. 

I reveal how I found out my ex-boyfriend had plans to hook up with another girl while we were together. But I never revealed to him that I found out after I snooped around. I open up about how I stayed despite all the red flags and basically begged him to “fool me.”  

Questions for you:

How do you relate to the lyrics?

What have the lyrics of this song looked like in your life? 

How can you apply these lyrics to your life today? 

Ideally - how can you love, need, not fool, care about yourself? 

Thank you for listening! 

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What does codependency look like in a therapist’s office?

-How did Felicia, a former codependent, find healing through a 12-step program?

-Like moths to flames: why do codependents act like magnets to conflicts?

In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Felicia Keller Boyle, therapist and coach, to hear about her experiences as a former codependent, therapist, and codependent-therapist. Felicia opens up about ways she battled with codependency in her past and how she found hope when she attended a 12-step program focused on codependent family members of alcoholics. You’ll hear Felicia describe business practices and ways that therapists interact with their clients in a codependent way--and not just therapists but all codependummies are bound to relate. We conclude with Felicia revealing how she was truly able to find peace whether or not her loved one was sobert--it’s a must listen!

Thanks for listening!

www.codependummy.com

FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS: GET THE CONFIDING CODEPENDUMMY FOR JUST $20 (HIKES UP TO $30 ON DECEMBER 1) www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing. The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious YOU! 

www.codependummy.com/challenge for the f r e e 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!https://linktr.ee/codependummy

More about this episode’s guest: 

Felicia Keller Boyle calls herself The Bad Therapist because the "good therapist" mantle is stiffling, bad for therapists, and clients! She’s been called the "queen of boundaries" but it wasn't always that way. For the last 6 years, she’s been healing from codependency. Felicia built my own six figure therapy practice in her first year in business without hustling and is helping other therapists do the same through the only practice building program for therapists that takes your spiritual liberation into account, Liberated Business.

https://felicitastherapy.org/

https://www.instagram.com/felicitas_for_therapist

Felicia’s giveaway for therapists: $15 off my Six Figure Therapist Challenge. Go to: https://felicitastherapy.org/sftc to sign up before it starts December 6!

More deets on this week’s episode:

Felicia shares with us her own definition of codependency: an inefficient relationship. She then opens up about codependency in her own life, varying from scootering towards drama to her codependency with a family member. 

Thanks to the encouragement of a caring individual in her life, Felicia attended an Al-Anon meeting. She shares with us about her experience in the 12-step program for the past six years where she has learned coping skills and how to focus on herself.

We then discuss Felicia’s work with therapists and her effort to help them stop being codependent with their clients. What does codependency look like in a therapist’s office? Felicia describes how an attempt not to anger, hurt, or turn off clients leads codependent therapists to have policies that are unhelpful to them. 

We conclude with Felicia sharing about how she was truly able to come to a place where, whether her family member lived or died, she would be okay. POWERFUL! 

Questions for homework:

Are you minimizing your worth, failing to set boundaries at work, or not saying things in order to avoid conflict at work?

Have you attended a 12-step program for your codependency like Al-Anon, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), Adult Children of Alcoholics, etc.? If so, what has your experience been like? If not, what are your thoughts on checking out a meeting?

Do you feel responsible if and when conflict begins? Where do you sense that comes from?

If you are codependent with an alcoholic or addict, do you believe that you would be okay, no matter what, even if their addiction took their life?

Thanks for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for our premier product, The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts now just $20 through Nov. 30!!!

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge 

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What does the separation of tasks, coined by Dr. Alfred Adler, entail?

-How can we codependummies determine whether a task is ours or someone else’s?

-What happened in my marriage when I kept taking on my husband’s tasks? (hint: it was not pretty or loving)

Welcome to our 50th episode! 5 - 0! Fifty! This episode is all about the concept of “The Separation of Tasks.” Back in the early 1920’s, an Austrian medical doctor and psychotherapist by the name of Alfred Adler, suggested that “all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.” He made bold statements like that and suggested that when we are able to separate our tasks from one another, or as we say “set boundaries” in our contemporary lexicon, then all of our relationship problems will be addressed! WHAT? Listen to Marissa breakdown Adler’s concept of how to separate tasks and hear what happened in her marriage when she failed to separate tasks with her husband--not good! 

Thanks for listening! A share, rating, and review is much appreciated!

Be sure to get your copy of The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious YOU at www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing. Now through midnight on November 30, you can get a discounted copy for just $20. Hop to it since the price increases to $30 on December 1! 

Helpful links:

The Courage to Be Happy by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Alfred Adler’s Wikipedia

www.codependummy.com for The Self-Validation Challenge, Newsletter sign-up, and Tools for Healing!

More deets on this week’s episode: 

Alfred Adler is an Austrian-born medical doctor and psychotherapist who contributed to the mental health field from about 1900-1930. He collaborated with other OG’s like Freud and Jung, however, broke off on his own to develop Individual Psychology. You may recognize terms like the inferiority complex, style of life (or lifestyle), and birth order from Adler. 

Adler said things like “All problems are interpersonal problems.” 

With such an emphasis on interpersonal problems, Adler was really into separating tasks (or what we would call “setting boundaries”) since he sensed they were the root to all problems. 

How do we go about separating tasks? By asking "Whose task is this? Who will ultimately pay the consequences if this task is not completed?” If the answer isn’t “me,” then that task is technically not yours. 

Adler discouraged us to not intrude on other people's tasks. He even suggested that, in general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people's tasks, or having one's own tasks intruded on. 

I share an anecdote of taking on my husband’s self-care as my own task. It did not turn out well. In short, I was hyperfocused on my huband’s tasks while neglecting my own. 

In Adler’s writings, when someone like me is confronted with a need to separate tasks between themselves and their partner, he wrote that the act of believing is also the separation of tasks. You believe in your partner; that is your task. 

Note: we are not talking about non-interference. Sometimes, I will make requests since noninterference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what another person is doing. If there is an issue with an undone task, you can tell the other person that that is their task, and then let them know that you are ready to assist them whenever they have the urge to address the task.

Homework:

1. How to apply the Separation of Tasks to your life. 
2. 1. Pay attention
   2. When you are about to do something, ask yourself “Whose task is this? Who will ultimately pay the consequence if this task goes undone?”
   3. If it’s your task, complete your task.
   4. If it’s another’s task, you can decide whether you want to a) relinquish that to them or b) offer assistance.
   5. Muster all the might and will it will take you to not intrude or meddle in another’s task. 
   6. While you are letting others deal with their own tasks, look down at your body, look inward at your mind, tune into your heart and soul and identify any of your own tasks that you are neglecting. 
   7. If you can identify an undone task, I encourage you to start addressing it this week. 

Questions: 

Whose tasks, if any, are you taking on right now that you need to separate?

What are you afraid will happen if you let their tasks go?

Is the non-separation of tasks working for you and the other person? 

What do you get out of taking on their tasks (distraction, self-esteem, a purpose, etc.)?

How are your attempts to be helpful actually hurting others by not separating your and their tasks? 

Thank you! 

www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for our premier product, The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts now just $20 through Nov. 30!!!

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge 

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy