The Codependummy Podcast

Codependent Couples + Currency: How Money Complicates Codependent Relationships with Jelisha Gatling, LMFT

-What are hallmark behaviors codependent couples tend to have with $$$?

-How do experiences involving money in our past impact our current relationships?

-How do we stop letting codependency taint our financial life and create a partnership when it comes to spending money as a couple?

In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Jelisha Gatling, LMFT, to talk all about codependency and currency in couples! Jelisha shares with us about the work she does as a couples therapist, including the hallmark codependent behaviors she often sees with her clients--even before they have their first session! Jelisha describes a pattern where one partner will be over-function via the couple’s spending while the other partner under-functions which creates distrust. Jelisha discusses ways we can create a healthy partnership when it comes to spending so we don’t have to feel all this anxiety when it comes to our finances. It’s a must-listen!

Thanks for listening!

www.codependummy.com www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for our premier product, The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts now just $20 through Nov. 30

www.codependummy.com/challenge for the f r e e 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!https://linktr.ee/codependummy

More about this episode’s guest: 

Jelisha Gatling is a couples therapist, money mindset mentor, & private practice strategist for therapists. When she’s not helping couples or mentoring therapists on their biz & money mindset, you can find her writing, watching the ID channel, or painting.

www.letsunpacktherapy.com (for couples)

www.savingthesaver.com (for therapists)

FB: Lets Unpack Therapy

IG: savingthesaver

Jelisha’s giveaway: 

3 Tips for Managing Financial Anxiety: https://mailchi.mp/2b0bf0e3e30f/74qkq6uihr

A beginners guide to unpacking their money baggage. For folks who have anxiety and fear when it comes to making, spending, and budgeting money.

More deets on this week’s episode:

Jelisha shares with us about her own definition of codependency:

Jelisha describes aspects of codependency in her own life, including a codependent trip she went on with a coworker WHO ALMOST NEVER PAID HER BACK FOR THE PLANE TICKET. And Jelisha, like most of us, didn’t say anything...until she finally did. 

Jelisha details the hallmark money behaviors she’s observed in her codependent couples--including the over-functioning and under-functioning she witnesses EVEN BEFORE THE COUPLE HAS THEIR FIRST SESSION. What an amazing observation, right?

We then discuss where these behaviors surrounding money and codependency come from and what the consequences are if we don’t put in the work to address them.Jelisha blesses us with some amazing techniques for us to implement in an effort to stop being such codependummies with money in our relationships, including: creating context, pausing, 72-hour rule before making a purchase, and focus on partnership. 

Questions for homework:

What experiences in your past involving money have impacted your current spending? On your own and, if you’re in a relationship, as a couple?

How do you over- or under-function in your relationship when it comes to money?

Do you hesitate to ask others who owe you money like Jelisha hesitated with her coworker? What can you do this week--figure out how much they owe you, send a text, have a conversation--to ask that you be reimbursed?

What, if any, of the strategies that Jelisha recommended would you like to try this week?

Thanks for listening! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing for our premier product, The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts now just $20 through Nov. 30!!!

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge 

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

Tools for Healing: Journal, ya dummy!

-What are Marissa’s top 3 reasons why you ought to be journaling?

-How, unlike other tools for healing, is journaling so powerful?

-What happened when Marissa used journaling to get out of a codependummy dilemma from her past? This week, Marissa sits down to discuss the all-powerful tool for healing: J O U R N A L I N G. Girl, are you journaling everyday? If not, why not? If so, how’s it working for you? You’ll hear Marissa describe the psycho-neuro-motor benefits of journaling, how it promotes self-alignment, self-honesty, and self-reliance, AND how journaling helped Marissa put her needs before her own during graduate school. We are also introducing The Codependummy Podcast’s premier product: The Confiding Codependummy. It’s a must-listen!Get yourself a copy of The Confiding Codependummy for just $20 (originally $30) from now through November 30: http://www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Want to be less-codependent and more-conscious in 30-days? Then hop to it and get yourself a copy of The Confiding Codependummy: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts stat! http://www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

More deets on this week’s episode:

We introduce a new segment: Tools for Healing with a discussion all about JOURNALING. 3 reasons to journal:

1. It promotes self-alignment via the psychoneuromotor aspect of writing. 
2. It encourages self-honesty since you can’t lie to your journal
3. It enables self-reliance. You write out and work through your own solutions rather than trying to ask everything and everyone else what you should do. 

Marissa then shares an anecdote where journaling helped her put her needs first. She was working, going to graduate school, and working on her masters thesis and started to feel overwhelmed. She almost stayed in a part-time on-campus job because she was being a codependummy who didn’t want to disappoint her boss. Thanks to journaling, she was able to get in touch with her feelings, work through them, and come to the obvious conclusion: quit. Marissa then lists some suggestions for journaling:1. A pro and con list (with a twist where you write the pros and cons to each outcome)

1. Forecast: “If I do this, then….” “If I do this other thing, then…” (it’s helpful to identify what you may be afraid of when it comes to prioritizing yourself)
2. A letter-to-never-send (helps get your feelings out towards someone or something)
3. A letter to send (to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy manner with someone else)We conclude with an announcement of the premier product from the podcast! THE CONFIDING CODEPENDUMMY: 30-Days of Journaling Prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious YOU! According to Google, confiding means: willing to tell someone about a secret or private matter and trust them not to repeat it to others. 

With this collection of journal prompts, in an effort to help you with getting into self-alignment, self-honesty, and self-reliance, you’ll be confiding in yourself.  

Why you need this: develop the awareness, insight, and consciousness you seek surrounding your codependency.The Confiding Codependummy will help you:

• See and understand the impact codependency has had on your life.
• Remove blame from yourself for why you are codependent.
• Acknowledge how your codependency serve you.
• Process your emotions surrounding the messages you got that your needs were less important than others.  
• Get real and honest about what codependency has cost you.
• Start to make sustainable change towards healing from your codependency.

Go to www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing to get a copy today. The original price is $1 a day or $30 but, now through November 30, to celebrate our thanks and appreciation this month of gratitude, you loyal listener, can get a copy for just $20. You’ll have access to the download and also hear from Marissa everyday for the 30 days to keep you on track. Yay! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-YA: Young Adult. What does codependency in Young Adults with their parents look like?

-How does social media compound codependency and “comparison-itis?”

-How can Young Adults stop caring so much about what others think to pursue their dreams?

In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Tess Brigham, LMFT. Tess works exclusively with Young Adults and shares with us the ways she often sees codependency in their lives. Tess describes the codependency young adults often have with their parents, particularly with one parent, and with social media. Tess touches on aspects of “control” and how codependents are often seeking to control others to feel in-control themselves. We conclude with ways that Tess works with her clients to get clear on what they want and how to build their self-awareness to pursue their life dreams.  It’s a must-listen!

Thanks for listening!

More about this episode’s guest: Tess Brigham (LMFT, BCC) is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Board-Certified Coach and specializes in helping young adults learn to "like their now, now" and discover their unique life path so they can go out into the world and make an impact.

www.tessbrigham.com

Twitter: @MFTTess

Instagram: tess_brigham Tess's handbook: https://3mg74tfz.pages.infusionsoft.net

Check out:

www.codependummy.com

www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!

@therapywithmarissa on IG https://linktr.ee/codependummy

More deets on this week’s episode:

We begin with hearing about what brought Tess to work with young adults. “I didn’t find them, they found me.” She describes the vulnerability and critical milestones that young adults pass in their 20s and 30s which motivated her to work specifically with them. Heck yes!

Tess shares with us her definition of codependency and how she witnessed that often when she worked with other battling addiction. Tess opens up about codependency in her own life, including with you son, where she unintentionally enabled his social anxiety in an unconscious effort to keep everything calm. 

Tess describes ways she has witnessed codependency in the young adults she works with, especially where one young adult is highly codependent with one parent. Marissa opens up about aspects of her codependency in young adulthood and how that relates to social media. 

Tess expands on how social media can lead to “comparison-itis” where we do things out of comparing or being compared to others. This can lead us to do things that are out of alignment with our true values so Tess helps her clients get in touch with what they want. 

“What do you want?”

Tess sympathizes with the young adults in her practice, as well as with our listeners, since they often do feel like they are “behind” if they aren’t measuring up to their peers. Tess shares ways to combat this type of thinking and reminds everyone “careers are long. Relationships are long. Lifetimes ARE LONG.”

We conclude with a discussion on boundaries and how, after setting them, it’s okay and normal to have to set them over and over and over again. 

Questions for homework:

How does social media compound your codependency?

Are you codependent with one parent in particular? How come you think that is?

Do you struggle with feeling “behind?” How do you then put yourself into restrictive/rigid jobs, relationships, housing situations due to feeling “behind?”

What do you want in this life? How are you working towards or against achieving that?

Thanks for listening! 

Tess's handbook: https://3mg74tfz.pages.infusionsoft.net

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What is “self-neglect?”

-How can self-care and self-love combat our neglect of self?

-What are ways that our families, culture, and society reinforce self-neglect and how can we put a stop to it?

In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Latasha Dixon, LMFT. Latasha opens up about aspects of codependency in her own life and how that led to self-neglect. Latasha describes what self-neglect is: not choosing ourselves over and over again. You’ll hear about what self-neglect looks like--and no, it’s not just someone whose overdrinking or living in poor conditions--it might just be you. We end with Latasha sharing how self-care and self-love are the cures to self-neglect plus ways you can start taking care of yourself ASAP. It’s a must-listen!

Thanks for listening!

More about this episode’s guest: Latasha Dixon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. She is the CEO/ Clinical Director of her private group practice Emerge Psychotherapy Services and Owner of Merg Match-making. 

www.emergepsychtherapy.com

@emergepsyhcotherapy for both Instagram and Facebook

Check out:

www.codependummy.com

www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!

@therapywithmarissa on IG https://linktr.ee/codependummy

More deets on this week’s episode:

We start with hearing about Tasha’s definition and experience of codependency. She opens up about being “Miss independent but then I didn’t have any expectations for anyone else and did it all myself.” 

Tasha shares with us what “self-neglect” is: not choosing ourselves. And we do it over, and over, and over again!

Marissa gathers how, despite what we may picture as “neglect,” what it actually looks and feels like. It’s not having tattered clothes or poor hygiene. Latasha describes how overworking, undereating, and putting everyone else before yourself are ways we can neglect ourselves. 

Latasha describes what self-care is: choosing ourselves. She gives great examples of how self-care isn’t always about “adding” to your life, like adding massages, adding vacations, adding spending money. She simplifies it for us and describes how self-care can be as easy as “kinder self-talk.” 

Latasha defines “self” and how we all need to ask ourselves “what is self?” She shares about her own sense of “self” and how that has changed over the years thanks to all her work in therapy. 

Questions for homework:

How are you currently neglecting your self?

How have you been reinforced to neglect your self?

How does neglecting yourself serve you? 

How are you currently practicing self-care? 

What can you add, keep, or takeaway from your life to practice self-care?

What is your definition of “self?”

Thanks for listening! 

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-What is ‘broken wing syndrome’ and how does it relate to codependency?

-If codependents take the role of “victim” or “rescuer” in their relationship, what happens if they attempt to change that dynamic?

-What is “shadow work” and how can that help someone stuck in a broken wing syndrome dynamic?

In this week’s episode, Marissa is joined by Leah Sefor, South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. Leah shares with us about Broken Wing Syndrome, a dynamic in an intimate relationship where one partner is the “victim” and the other is the “rescuer.” Leah provides examples and connects this dynamic with codependency where the victim and rescuer are codependent on maintaining these roles--even when they become toxic and damaging. We conclude with Leah’s advice on how to get out of this dynamic if you’re stuck in it via shadow work. It’s a must-listen!

Thanks for listening!

www.codependummy.com 

www.codependummy.com/challenge for the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge!https://linktr.ee/codependummy

More about this episode’s guest: 

Leah Sefor is South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert. She is well known for being a straight-talking, take-no-prisoners life coach, author, podcaster and speaker whose work is all about ‘what it means to be real’. Leah delivers dynamic coaching experiences, facilitating breakthroughs, and gives men and women the wake up calls they need to create a non-negotiable life. Your journey to a more authentic life starts with her. 

https://www.leahsefor.com/

https://web.facebook.com/leahsefor

https://twitter.com/leahsefor

https://www.instagram.com/leah.sefor/

Leah’s giveaways: https://www.leahsefor.com/freebies

More deets on this week’s episode:

Leah shares with us her own definition and conceptualization of codependency. “Mutual manipulation.”

Leah describes aspects of codependency in her own life, including an abusive and toxic relationship in her early 20s. “He was a serial cheater.” Lean opens up about how she repeatedly forgave him since he kept “choosing me” every time he cheated. 

Leah defines Broken Wing Syndrome: The dynamic of the rescuer and the victim, usually the man rescuing the woman from a horrible ex or a life of struggle. She needs to stay the victim for him to be attracted and he needs to constantly be the saviour for her to be attracted. The minute she wants to step into her power or him into his vulnerability, the relationship starts to crack.

We hear how Broken Wing Syndrome relates to codependency and what the consequences are of maintaining this dynamic long-term: RESENTMENT, CONTROL, TOXIC interactions. Yuck!

Leah describes how patriarchy and culture both contribute to the development of Broken Wing Syndrome. Marissa adds how families can add to the dynamic and what the messages/modeling can do to the children within that dynamic. 

Leah describes ways she works with clients to address their Broken Wing Syndrome via shadow work where they look at the various parts of themselves, their “shadow self,” to then become an integrated whole. 

Questions for homework:

If you relate to this dynamic, where do you sense you learned to be a “rescuer” or “victim?”

If you are in this dynamic right now, how is the dynamic serving you?

If you want to get help and get out of the broken wing dynamic, what outside support can you seek? (therapy, coaching, support group)

What aspects of your shadow self, the parts of you that are repressed and suppressed, do you need to start acknowledging? 

Thanks for listening! 

Marissa’s info:

[email protected]www.codependummy.com/challenge

@therapywithmarissa on IG

Wanna work with me? Go to www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

-How and why do codependents have difficulty setting boundaries--especially physical?

-What are the consequences of poor physical boundaries?

-When an we trust intuition in setting boundaries?

In this week’s episode, Marissa discusses the ever-elusive concept of B O U N D A R I E S, specifically physical ones. You’ll hear about where we learn boundaries, the different types (since there are SO many), and what makes it so hard for codependents to set healthy boundaries for themselves and their bodies. Marissa recalls a butt massage she received thanks to her poor physical boundaries in hopes that you won’t have to endure the same awkward and inappropriate experience. It’s a must-listen!

Thanks for supporting the podcast! Check out:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG https://linktr.ee/codependummy

Did you sign up for the 30-day Self Validation Challenge? If not, here’s my pitch: go to www.codependummy.com/challenge to join and set the ball in motion for a healthier, more conscious, and self-validating you in a month from now!

More deets on this week’s episode:

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES: invisible and symbolic force fields that have three purposes: first, to keep people from coming into your space and abusing you; second, to keep you from going into the space of others and abusing them; and third, to give you a way to embody your sense of self, of “who you are “ - Pia Mellody in Facing Codependency. 

There are many types of boundaries:

Physical

Sexual

Emotional

Time

Intellectual

Spiritual

Material 

Physical boundaries are: 

-culturally specific

-gender specific

-often modeled to us by our parents and other authority figures in our lives. 

“Codependents demonstrate the boundary systems that their parents had” - Pia Mellody 

Why BOUNDARIES ARE IMPORTANT:

You don’t get walked (or trampled on)

You’re able to thus be present

You’re able to thus focus on the task at hand

You’re thus more efficient, effective, and energized

You don’t have to deal with the effort it takes to move someone out of your boundary then repair or replace the damaged areas.

According to Pia Melody, intact boundaries enable you to have true intimacy in your life when you choose while also being protected from being abused physically, emotionally, spiritually, time-wise, etc. 

Where my poor physical boundary led me to with chiropractors: Mr. Chatty versus Mr. Creepy.

I couldn’t tell Mr. Chatty that he talked too much. 

I couldn’t tell Mr. Creepy that his behavior was inappropriate and causing me discomfort. It ultimately ended in my butt massage, making another appointment, calling my twin sister to tell her what happened, then FINALLY stopping my visits to him. This is what happens when we fail to honor our boundaries: butt massages from creepy chiropractors. I can point the finger at him all day but I also want to look at my part, my contribution, where I was responsible: I should have given myself permission to first sign up creepiness or mentioned it to my sister rather than wait several appointments and a butt massage later. 

Questions for homework:

Who, if anyone in your life, is violating your physical boundaries?

In what ways are you trying to avoid, hint at, or passively assert them?

What would you prefer their physical contact with you looked like?

How can you trust that this gut-reaction for a physical boundary is okay to set?

How can you go about setting it this week?

Thanks for listening! 

Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

Help keep the lights on here: https://linktr.ee/codependummy

Pardon me for cursing but--seriously--validate your own goddamn self sis. 

In this week’s episode, I’ll discuss:

-the concept of self-validation and why it’s so hard for us codependents to do

-times in my life that led me to self-INvalidate (does that trigger memories of your own?)

-a step-by-step process to start validating yourself (with a script!)

Thanks for listening! 

30-Day Self-Validation Challenge: www.codependummy.com/challenge

More deets on this episode:

Let’s start with definitions, shall we? 

What does validate mean? According to Google: the verb, to validate means: demonstrate or support the truth or value of. This is their example: "in a healthy family a child's feelings are validated.” 

What is self-validation? Marissa Esquibel’s working definition of self-validation: a PRACTICE of telling yourself the kind, loving, and compassionate words you need to hear. A way to see yourself, hear yourself, and remind yourself that you matter.

Why is it so hard for codependents to validate themselves?

Like most things in life, self-validation was often modeled to us by our parents and authority figures in our extended family, community, and society.

We codependents did not grow up in the healthiest families that involved validation of ourselves or other people: our feelings were not validated. Our needs were not validated. Our thoughts were not validated. And our value ultimately was not validated.. 

Like when you rev an engine and the RPM gauge. You may be at “0” when, suddenly, someone recognizes how pretty, responsible, or smart you are. You may not believe it, but at least for the moment, your RPM validate gauge may go to 50 or 90. We codependummies take that experience of another validating us and run with it: doing what we can to keep that RPM as high as we can. 

I had to sit with this for a bit in preparing the episode. Why did you need others to validate you so desperately Marissa? Ultimately, I did not sense that I had intrinsic and immense value. 

Times when I was validated or invalidated in my childhood: 

-My dad believing in me during cheer tryouts. “I knew you’d make it.”

-My maternal grandmother saying, “This girl, she’s going somewhere.” Then my dad saying my sister is going “somewhere too.” Why?

-Dad saying I won’t fit in my older sister’s dress. Ouch!

These are just 3 examples that I remember fairly vividly at 33. And I have so many MORE! What memories come up for you regarding times you were validated or invalidated by others? 

This led to me seeking validation from everyone and anyone, especially my first serious boyfriend. If we didn’t talk for our nightly call, my day literally didn’t matter. Who do you rely on the most for validation? Is it sustainable? 

In all honesty girl: no one will never, ever EVER fulfill your need for validation. We have to do it ourselves. That’s what being a codependiamond is all about: interdependence where others can acknowledge your worth while you simultaneously validate yourself and can meet that need largely on your own. 

Steps:

1. If you haven’t already: Listen to The Codependummy Dilemma episode that aired 6/21/21
2. Download the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge Guide at www.codependummy.com/challenge 

The Guide has EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO BEGIN. Including this script:

Today, I...describe your day

I’m proud of myself for…

I practiced patience by…

I was kind and compassionate to myself when…

Slowly but surely, I’m getting better at…

I asserted myself by…

I kicked ass at…

I was honest with…

I love myself because today…

I’m grateful to myself for…

Do you sense you could do that on a daily/nightly basis for the next 30 days to start the practice of validating your GD self? Then sign up at www.codependummy.com/challenge. 

That is your homework girl. 

We wrap up with Nathan’s 90-day update from his own Self-Validation Challenge! Thank you Nathan! 

Episode 42--check!

Quote to ponder this week: You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better - Anne Lamott

www.codependummy.com

www.codependummy.com/challenge

[email protected]

@therapywithmarissa on IG

In this week’s episode, I will discuss How to Honor Your Feelings in 4 steps! 

• I’ll answer why codependents often honor the feelings of others while dishonoring their own
• You’ll hear the four steps to honoring your own feelings: identify, invite, intentional action, and iterate
• We’ll end with two anecdotes: “A Tale of Two Feelings,” to help you apply the steps in your own life without expecting yourself to be perfect, ya dummy!

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.codependummy.com

Thanks for listening!

More deets on this week’s episode: 

What does “honoring your feelings” even mean?

To honor: According to Google, to honor means: to regard with great respect. Synonyms include salute, recognize, value, and cherish. 

Feelings: According to Google, feelings are: emotional states or reactions; the emotional side of one’s character; emotional responses or tendencies to respond.

To honor your feelings: Thus, to “honor your feelings,” I mean “to regard your emotional state, response, or reaction with value.” Your feelings matter. 

Unfortunately, a hallmark of codependency is honoring the feelings of others while dishonoring our own via:

Denial: failure to acknowledge an unacceptable emotion or to admit it into consciousness

Repression: the restraint, prevention, or inhibition of a feeling - unconscious 

Suppression: the conscious inhibition of unacceptable feelings - conscious 

I am not going to detail why it’s hard for you to honor your feelings but let’s just blame our parents, their parents, and their parents before them AND cultural influences: media, sexism, education system, etc. 

Blame them but now we, as young women, have to grow up, take responsibility and honor our feelings SINCE NO ONE ELSE HAS OR WILL unless we do. 

Today, this week, this month, this year--I want to challenge you to take contrary action and start to honor your feelings. 

Step 1: Identify your feelings

Ask yourself, how am I feeling? How am I feeling right now? In psychology literature, we suggest that there are 8 primary emotions. I’m going to list them out and see which one resonates most with you right now:

1. Angry
2. Sad
3. Afraid
4. Joyful!
5. Surprised
6. Disgusted
7. Ashamed
8. Love

These are the suggested 8 primary emotions and from there, we have secondary emotions which are emotional reactions to an emotion.

Step 2: Invite your feelings

“Pull out the welcome mat for your feelings.” It’s either from Geneen Roth or Anne Lamott. Just pull out the welcome mat and invite your feelings in. 

If you are feeling angry, be angry. If you are feeling sad, be sad. If you are excited, then be fucking excited! 

Allow your feelings to take up space in you. Acknowledge the feeling and accept the visceral response. 

According to the research, feelings when they are felt, last 90 seconds. I haven’t had an intense emotion and thought “Oh, let me time this!” But if you truly identify and invite the feeling in. Let it take up all the space that it needs--you may just be a minute and a half away from relief. 

Step 3: Intentional action 

This is where the honoring comes in. Intentional, meaning done on purpose, deliberate. Take conscious action, behave deliberately, based on your feelings. 

Your feelings are trying to communicate to you. Something is coming up that deserves attention. After acknowledging it, you may need to act on it. 

If you are feeling heartbroken because your partner is texting someone and you just saw it while looking at something on their phone--the intentional action may be to say “I just saw your texting that girl from work. That breaks my heart. I asked you not to. This is over.”

Step 4: Iterate to develop Courage

Iterate: repeat. It will get easier and easier every time. 

Remind yourself: identify, invite, intentional action, and iterate. Marissa said so. This whole dishonoring my feelings thing is getting old! 

Like the Tiger in The Wizard of Oz, I as a codependent, am working my ass off to develop COURAGE. It takes ovaries to do this girl. Internal strength in the face of others but it’s possible. 

To help with your application, I’m going to share two anecdotes. I call this piece “A tale of two feelings:” 

• Not going to my in-laws

• Inviting guests on that I knew were bad

YOUR HOMEWORK: Identify, invite, intentional action, and iterate. That is your homework. Feel free to send any questions, application of the process to [email protected]

Before I say bye, I want to share a quote: ...If we could realize that the work is to keep doing the work, we would be much more fierce and much more peaceful… By Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

That’s a wrap. We are celebrating 8 months. Thank you for listening! 

Marissa’s info:

www.codependummy.com

@therapywithmarissa on IG

www.therapywithmarissa.com

• How does codependency sabotage our ability to practice self-care?
• What are some common ways that codependents FAIL to practice self-care? 
• Where, oh where, can we start with self-care?

In this week’s episode, Marissa sits down with Lauren Camacho, LCSW, about the ever-elusive and mysterious practice of SELF-CARE. Lauren specializes in self-care, especially with new mother’s, and shares with us about her own codependency that came up after giving birth to her daughter. Marissa asks Lauren to share with us the ways she has seen codependency get in the way of our ability to care for ourselves and how we can put a stop to it. We end with simple, easy, and specific pointers on how to start practicing self-care ASAP. It’s a must-listen!

About this week’s guest: Lauren Camacho specializes with Emotional Regulation, Self Care, and Leadership skills. She has spent nearly decade in the field working with people who experience anxiety, burnout, and disconnection and helps them live more wholeheartedly by becoming more confident, purposefully driven, while feeling good.

She is a Psychotherapist and Certified coach who offers 1:1 sessions.

Lauren’s info:

https://www.momsleadingtheway.com

Free discovery call: https://www.momsleadingtheway.com/schedule-a-free-consultation

Instagram: @_Lauren_Camacho

DOWNLOAD LAUREN’S FREE SELF CARE E-BOOK! Click here for a copy: https://keap.app/contact-us/657495847113647.  Her e-book is a self care guide that goes beyond bubble baths and into effective self care practices to help you rewire the relationship that you have with yourself. It covers tools on how to take care of yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually. 

More details on this week’s episode:

1. “How do you define codependency?”

Lauren: “Codependency is taking or giving responsibility to someone or something else in order to meet our needs, whether that’s emotionally, psychologically. The key word is responsibility.” Lauren adds how, despite having moments that we need support, if we give responsibility to others, we lose a sense of ourselves in the process. 

Lauren talks about self-responsibility. If we are responsible for ourselves, then others are responsible for themselves. THEN, we have a responsibility to let others know what we need and so do they. “I’m not taking on anything that’s mine or anything that’s theirs.”

1. “What are some ways you've experienced that in your own life?”Lauren: “I would say I’m a recovering people-pleaser.” Lauren recalls codependency in young motherhood when she was taking on all the responsibilities and having a hard time asking for help from her family. 
2. “How does codependency sabotage our ability to self care?” 

Lauren: “Let’s look at the definition of self-care. Self-care is your ability to take care of yourself. It’s really about understanding your needs mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. It’s a deep inquiry of self.” Codependency is all about external so it is the opposite of self-care. The longer we practice codependency, we get further and further away from ourselves. Lauren discusses people-pleasing, care-giving, and other ways that codependency sabotages our ability to care for ourselves. If we don’t look at this, then we will have an identity crisis. 

1. What are some "hallmarks" of non-self-caring behaviors related to codependency?

Lauren: “Anxiety, depression, resentment is the big one. Irritability, burnout, exhaustion, fatigue.” Lauren describes how we can have behaviors, habits, moods, and so on that indicate ways that we cope with our codependency in non-self-caring ways. “When we start to detach from ourselves, we start to detach from everything.” Self-care can help us avoid the fight or flight mode to come back to ourselves. 

Lauren adds more on resentment and how it relates to expectations. If others are not meeting our expectations, our resentment starts to build. BUT we often fail to verbalize our needs--which is a non-self-caring act. If we never say anything, then we are not taking care of ourselves. 

1. You work a lot with new moms--what often happens when they are codependent before, during, and after pregnancy?

Lauren: “In times of transition and change, it could expose what has already been present to us and magnify it. When going into pregnancy, it can bring up stress then when we have stress happening, we can go into a place of fight or flight again.” The coping skills and ways we coped before, like codependency, used to work for us previously but it eventually stops. With new moms, they are already depleted due to putting out so much energy, so being a people-pleaser will only add to their exhaustion. Lauren reveals how she learned to be a “leader and not a people-pleaser” with her daughter. 

And if we don’t address the codependency as young mothers? “Take a table with four legs. If the legs are your “needs,” and one of the legs is floppy, it’s going to throw off the whole table.” That’s what it is like when we are living in this ineffective way. 

1. Where do you start when it comes to practicing self-care?

Lauren: “Sometimes, the concept of self-care can be daunting. Think of it like an infinite game--not that it’s never-ending--but taking it one step at a time.”

Start with journaling! Lauren describes the benefits of journaling and asking yourself questions for self-inquiry. We develop that reflection piece and are better able to understand what’s working, what’s not working, and ask ourselves deeper questions. “What am I tolerating? What are my dreams? Where am I lying in my life?” And remember, consistency is the golden part. 

Add rituals that bring delight! 

As always, thank you for listening!DOWNLOAD LAUREN’S FREE SELF CARE E-BOOK! Click here for a copy: https://keap.app/contact-us/657495847113647.  Her e-book is a self care guide that goes beyond bubble baths and into effective self care practices to help you rewire the relationship that you have with yourself. It covers tools on how to take care of yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually. 

www.codependummy.com

https://linktr.ee/codependummy

• What are some common ways that millennials are codependent?
• Where do our codependent patterns stem from?
• How can mindfulness and somatic (body awareness) practices help us combat our codependent ways???

In this week’s episode, Marissa sits down with Natalie Moore, LMFT to talk about codependency in millennials. Natalie shares about ways she’s observed codependency in her millennial clients and how she helps them start to address it. You’ll hear about codependent patterns in young adults, where these patterns come from, and how Natalie incorporates mindfulness and somatic therapy to help her clients become interdependent. It’s a must-listen! 

About this week’s guest: Natalie is a licensed therapist, content creator and expert speaker based in Pasadena. She helps ambitious, creative millennials increase their emotional resiliency and transform limiting patterns to create the life, love and career of their dreams. Natalie incorporates holistic modalities like mindfulness, somatic psychology and breathwork into her work to support the natural healing process. She offers online secure tele-therapy to California resident adults.

Natalie’s contact info:

https://www.awakentheself.com/ 

https://www.youtube.com/c/awakentheself

DOWNLOAD NATALIE’S Somatic Resourcing Guidebook: https://keap.app/contact-us/1474502682335998 

More details on this week’s episode:

1.     How do you define codependency? Natalie: “Codependency is a relationship dynamic where someone puts the needs of others ahead of their own at the expense of their own needs.”
2.   “Can you share some experiences of codependency from your own life?” 

Natalie: “I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s which, at the foundation of it, was a codependent relationship.” Natalie opens up about his need for control above her own safety, autonomy, and other needs that she had to “come out of and heal from.” 

Natalie describes how the relationship was “fueled by codependency.” She was putting his needs before her own, making him more important than her, and believed it when he gaslit her. She was able to end the relationship and heal from it thanks to therapy, her support network, and coping skills. 

1.     “What aspect of your own healing do you sense contributed the most to you overcoming your codependent patterns?”

Natalie admits “therapy!” (no bias here) Natalie shares how she was able to talk about her goal: “to know myself better.” This helped her develop insight skills of understanding herself, her needs, her personality, and what she needed out of life. She realized that, since she was lost, she was vulnerable to an abusive relationship. 

Natalie also talks about support from her family, pursuing new hobbies like hiking, and journaling in order to help her heal from her codependent relationship. 

1.     What are 2-3 common codependent patterns that limit the ambitious millennials you work with?

Natalie: “There are so many!” The #1 pattern: people saying “yes” all the time. Natalie describes perfection in young women and how they expect themselves to say “yes” to everything and have difficulty saying “no” to things they don’t have time, energy, or space for. Natalie really helps her clients connect with what they want. Natalie also adds how she helps clients with a “bridge” behavior where they say “let me think about it...how much notice do you need from me…” so they aren’t saying “no” but also aren’t saying “yes” as a knee-jerk reaction. #2 pattern: putting others needs above our own. Natalie describes what that looks like in the young adults she works with wanting to be everything to everyone. 

#3 pattern: trying to be “nice” all the time. Natalie talks about how, culturally, women have been raised to be nice and how that limits our ability to express our true selves. 

1.     “Where do you sense your clients’ codependent patterns come from?”

Natalie: “Definitely parental modeling.” She describes how there is an implicit and explicit learning process thanks to our parents where “like a fish is living in water,” we take on the norms of our environment. Natalie adds details about how our family and culture both influence us, especially women, to “put our needs last and others first.” She adds how, as adults, we can start to “decondition” ourselves thanks to thinking critically about what we’d like to keep and what we would like to “unlearn.”

1.     How do you help your millennial clients a) become aware of their codependency and b) start to foster interdependence?

Natalie: “It starts with understanding what codependency is and how it shows up in their life.” Natalie describes how she helps her clients understand codependency in a manner that makes sense to them. She then helps them envision their life without codependency...THEN WORK TOWARDS THAT. This helps them picture what they want and then use that in making decisions. 

Another piece is mindfulness: bringing a non-judgmental awareness to the present moment. What does my breathing feel like right now? How tense are my muscles? What am I hearing? Can I hear the sounds around me? See the colors around me?

In order to stop being codependent, you have to know your boundaries. If you have to know what your boundaries are, you have to pay attention to your body. 

Natalie provides an example of someone standing too close. If they are standing too close, we can take action and it’s okay. Natalie describes how, as a codependent, we tend not to stand up for ourselves BUT the new way of doing it is to: hear your thought, honor your thought, and stand back or ask for more space. “My need to feel safe is just as important as their needs are.” 

1.     What is one mindfulness, somatic, or breathwork exercise you would recommend to listeners to incorporate to support their healing from codependency?

Natalie: “There is a visualization I like to do with my clients where they imagine what their boundaries look like.” Natalie leads them through to help them picture a vortex, fog, veil, etc. around them and then identify how thick it is, how permeable, and other details for their “boundary.” Natalie shares how her own boundary is like a cell membrane that can allow things in or out but it’s up to her. 

As always, thank you for listening!

www.codependummy.com

DOWNLOAD NATALIE’S Somatic Resourcing Guidebook: https://keap.app/contact-us/1474502682335998 

https://linktr.ee/codependummy