The Codependummy Podcast

-How and why have I been everyone else's secretary by prioritizing their time above my own?

-What happens when you have a pattern of being responsible not only for your time but everyone else's?

-How can you stop being everyone else's secretary, separate their time tasks from yours, and take back your time?

Welcome to episode 98! This week, we are discussing my codependummy calendar. What is a codependummy calendar, you ask? Well, it’s when you take on the role of being everyone else’s secretary. You’ll hear the 10 ways that we create a codependummy calendar, some examples from my own life to help with your understanding, and the consequences of putting everyone else’s time above our own. I conclude with the 10 steps you can take to quit being everyone else’s secretary, separate the tasks of your time versus others’ time, and take back your time! 

Helpful links:

Work with me by emailing: [email protected]

https://linktr.ee/codependummy 

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Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on this episode: 

We begin with our beloved checkin. 

Next, we refresh our memories on the work of Alfred Adler and his encouragement for us to separate our tasks from others. Refer to the episode Separation of Tasks that aired on 11/22/21 for more context!

Then, we hear about the ways that a codependummy creates a codependummy calendar: 

1. She makes plans with others in mind
2. She doesn’t make plans with others in mind
3. She cancels or reschedules or rearranges her plans with others in mind
4. She lies to others about cancelling/rescheduling to avoid conflict
5. When plans are made and she’s arrived, she waits patiently without complaint 
6. When plans are made and she’s arrived, she rationalizes her feelings away
7. When the other party is fairly late, she texts, calls, emails, or contacts the other party to see where they are (while waiting and rationalizing)
8. She reasons something must have happened if they continue to run late and admonishes herself for being so impatient 
9. She reaches out again to reschedule and does not mention her disappointment/anger/frustration OR she continues to wait
   1. If she does’t reach out to them she still blames herself 
   2. She waits, they finally arrive, and she acts as if nothing has happened 
10. She blames herself for not being clear.
11. She usually copes with the feelings that her time is not being taken seriously in a manner that harms herself

As I read this list, I’m curious how you relate? 

I share how I realized I was being codependent with my calendar. And how I officially quit as everyone else’s secretary. This is made clearer through 3 examples from my own life. 

To help you relinquish the task of being everyone else’s secretary, here are ten practices:

1. Make plans with another human being that balance your time and theirs.
2. Arrive at said place or space at the confirmed meeting time. 
3. Wait 5 minutes if the other party is late.
4. If they have not contacted you, you can discern whether you want to contact them OR leave.
5. Engage in a coping activity to deal with the feelings that come up if you leave.
6. Carry on with another activity you had on your to do list that day.
7. Discern whether or not you want to reach out to the person to reschedule.
8. Give said human a second chance if you want.
9. Repeat steps 1-7 as needed. 
10. Give yourself all the tenderness you need while you work at taking back your time. 

Thanks for listening! 

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–Despite being their own bosses/in charge at work, what does codependency look like in female leaders and entrepreneurs?

-How is it that our codependency can manifest with our roles at work?

-If we are codependent with our businesses/work/accomplishments, what are the initial steps we can take to break that pattern?

Welcome to episode 97! This week, we dive into the world of codependency in female leaders and entrepreneurs. “But Marissa, how can the CEO of her company or leader at her firm be codependent?” Say hello to Ms. Alisa Taylor who will explain it all: what codependency looks like in female entrepreneurs, why their codependency manifests at work, and what underlying needs they are trying to get met at work. You’ll also hear about what happens to us codependent leaders when we achieve our goals (and it ain’t pretty). We conclude with initial steps you can take to break the pattern of codependency at work. It’s a must-listen!

More on this episode’s guest:

Alisa Taylor is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Master Level Coach to high-achieving female leaders and entrepreneurs. She helps them move out of self-doubt and into assertion to create the life they know they’re meant for. Alisa is a mom to 2 girls and loves her husband a lot. Alisa is known for authenticity and ability to communicate with generous honesty.

www.alisa-taylor.com

https://www.instagram.com/authenticallyalisataylor/

Helpful links for the podcast:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things Codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

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Support! Donate Money/Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Alisa’s definition of codependency and an experience of it from her own life. Can you relate?

We then dive into our discussion on codependency in female leaders and entrepreneurs. Alisa describes how female entrepreneurs become codependent with their role at work which leads to them overworking, not knowing the line between life and work, and sensing that whatever they do is never enough. 

Alisa describes what contributes to a woman becoming codependent at work and the needs she likely is trying to get met there. Maybe she’s trying to avoid painful emotions, maybe she’s trying to maintain relationships since failure put them at risk, maybe she’s trying to be seen in this realm, etc. Which one stands out most to you?

You’ll hear Alisa describe how codependency with work typically develops in women who were either neglected or over-parented at work. Either way, there’s an underlying attempt to maintain relationships through their achievements. 

We end with Alisa sharing the sad truth that “it’s a tragic love story” for those who seek fulfillment through their codependency at work. She prescribes what we can do in order to avoid this sad ending: becoming aware/giving language to our dissatisfaction, attending therapy, journaling, seeking support (CODA, a workbook, etc.), and creating boundaries to make sense of our lives! 

Thanks for coming on Alisa!

Questions for you:

1. What came up for you as you heard Alisa’s definition of codependency? 
2. How do you relate to Alisa’s experience of codependency involving shame and self-blame?
3. Do you relate to the codependent traits of female leaders at work?
4. What underlying needs might you be getting med in your accomplishments and pursuit of your goals?
5. Have you experienced the disappointment and tragic love-story-ending when you reached a professional goal? What happened in the aftermath?
6. What steps from those that Alisa recommended can you implement this week?

Thanks for listening! 

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

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See you next week!

-Burnout: we’ve all heard it but what does it mean and how does it relate to codependency?

-How does moral injury contribute to our burnout at work and in our relationships?

-What can we do to stop burning ourselves out NOW and MOVING FORWARD?

Welcome to Episode 96! In this episode, we celebrate the FIRST time having an amazing guest for a SECOND interview! Ms. Ofra Obejas is here to talk about BURNOUT and it’s interconnection to codependency. You’ll hear Ofra define burnout and how we codependents inadvertently contribute to our own burnout. We also discuss the concept of moral injury (usually used when describing trauma in military members) and how codependents are often setup to do things against our values. We conclude with ways you can avoid burnout at work and in your relationships. It’s a must-listen! 

More on this episode’s guest:

Ofra Obejas is s child and trauma therapist and supervisor in the Los Angeles area. She presents courses to therapists on various topics on SimplePractice learning and other platforms.

https://redondovillagecounseling.com/ 

BURNOUT Handout: https://keap.app/contact-us/5161901516684475

On-demand course: https://learning.simplepractice.com/courses/social-anxiety-assessment-and-treatment

Helpful links for the podcast:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things Codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Support! Donate Money/Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with a refresher on how Ofra defines codependency and ways she has experienced it in her own life. She describes an incident at work where she put the needs of others–including a convicted perpetrator of incest–above her own. 

We then pivot to this episode’s focus: B U R N O U T.

What is burnout? Ofra defines the term and emphasizes how it is a special kind of stress that leads to emotional and physical exhaustion. It may be in a relationship, at work, pursuing a passion where we eventually lose our sense of accomplishment. 

Ofra shares with us what causes burnout and ways codependents contribute to our own burnout. She introduces the term “moral injury” where codependents have to do things against their values, keep secrets, repress our emotions, etc. to maintain our relationships with others. Over time, being subjected to moral injury can cause…burnout. 

We explore ways that codependents contribute to our burnout which Ofra suggests is “half them and half us.” 

We conclude with ways you can avoid burnout now and moving forward. It’s important to practice self-care (with flexibility and compassion), question what we are being asked to do and why, identify and express our needs, set priorities, and ask ourselves “What have I got to lose?” in asserting our needs. 

Thank you for coming on Ofra!

Questions for you:

1. What came up for you as you heard Ofra’s definition of codependency? 
2. How do you relate to her description of ‘moral injury?’
3. When have you experienced burnout? In your relationships, at work, or pursuing a passion?
4. How do you sense you contributed to your own burnout? If half of the responsibility is ours–how might we be contributing to our burnout now?
5. What can you do to integrate the practices that Ofra recommends to avoid burnout now and moving forward?

Thank you, dear listener, for listening! 

BURNOUT Handout: https://keap.app/contact-us/5161901516684475

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-What is ‘self-ignoring,’ where does it come from, and how does it relate to codependency?

-In addition to self-ignoring, what does codependency look like in medical providers? (hint, Patient Satisfaction Comes First!)

-How can we slow down, focus on, and pay attention to our feelings in order to stop ignoring ourselves and start honoring our intuition?

Welcome to Episode 95! This week, we are graced with the presences of Djuna Osbourne, LCSW, to talk about her work with codependent medical providers. Djuna shares with us about the concept of self-ignoring and how integral it is to the development of our codependency since, early on, we learn to “ignore our alert system” while focusing on the needs of others. We discuss what codependency looks like in medical providers, both at work and home, and how the culture encourages such behavior. We conclude with ways Djuna addresses codependency in her clients using ISTDP: Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy. It’s a must-listen!

More on this episode’s guest:

Djuna Osborne is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Roanoke, VA. She loves working with medical providers, other therapists, and entrepreneurs to support their own healing so they can in turn support others in the work that they do. She specializes in helping clients connect to the most important relationship of all - that which they have with themselves, so that they can feel confident, secure, and happy.

www.djunaosbornecounseling.com 

Helpful links for the podcast:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things Codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Support! Donate Money/Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Djuna’s definition of codependency and experiences of it from her own life (“...not just one but two abusive relationships.”). She takes time to help us understand the concept of ‘self-ignoring,’ and how that starts in childhood, is reinforced throughout our lives, and the long-term consequences of ignoring our “internal alert system.”

We then hear about Djuna’s work with medical providers and ways she has observed codependent behaviors in their personal and professional lives. She describes how they often prioritize patient satisfaction in exchange for speaking up or pushing back. I ask about how our culture, medical institutions, and the hierarchy in the field encourage and enable codependent behaviors in medical providers. Djuna expands on how, through incentives, procedures, reputation, and status, they often stay stuck in codependent patterns at work. 

Djuna provides an overview of ISTDP, Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, and the steps she takes with her patients to help them address the misery and lack of fulfillment in their lives. “The first thing I ask is ‘What is the problem you’d like my help with?” From there, she makes a very focused and precise effort to help her clients investigate their experiences to get in touch with their defenses, patterns, mechanisms, and feelings. 

We end with Djuna answering how and why our relationship with ourselves is THE most important relationship. 

Questions for you:

1. What came up for you as you heard Djuna’s definition of codependency? 
2. How do you relate to her description of ‘self-ignoring?’
3. Whether or not you are a medical provider, how do you relate to the codependent behaviors in doctors that Djuna describes?
4. How can you take more time to slow down, focus in on, and explore a “small” experience or interaction that is taking up a “big” amount of space in your body and mind?
5. What can you do to prioritize your relationship with yourself as THE most important relationship?

Thank you for coming on Djuna!

Thank you, dear listener, for listening! 

PLEASE:

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-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

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-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected]

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

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See you next week!

-What is ‘religious trauma’ and how does it relate to codependency?

-How do abusive dynamics, patterns, and behaviors in certain religious create and compound codependent behaviors in their followers?

-What are ways you can heal from codependency caused by religious trauma?

Welcome to episode 94! This week, I sat down with Susanna Guarino, LMHC, to discuss how and why religious trauma can contribute to the development of codependency. Susanna shares with us what religious trauma is and how religions, institutions, and individuals can lead their followers to lose their identity in caring and catering to the group. We differentiate between healthy versus unhealthy service to help you distinguish the two in your own life. We conclude with Susanna sharing ways to heal from codependency caused by religious trauma, including checking in with yourself, giving yourself space, and creating safety to have your feelings. It’s a must-listen!

More on this episode’s guest:

Susanna Guarino is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice seeing clients in NY, RI, AZ and FL. She specializes in helping couples reconnect and heal their relationships, and helping individuals who have experienced religious trauma.

http://www.goodearthcounseling.com 

Get Susanna’s freebie: How to Give a Kick-Ass Apology at https://goodearthcounseling.com/ (scroll to the bottom of her home page)

Helpful links for the podcast:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things Codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Support! Donate Money/Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Susanna’s definition of codependency and ways she has observed it in her clinical practice working with couples. She provides a brief overview of The Gottman Method and how codependency connects with the Four Horseman of conflict: critIcism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. 

We then turn our focus to Susanna’s specialty with religious trauma. She describes what relIgious trauma is and it’s interconnection to codependency. Susanna describes how religions often use fear and shame, discourage speaking up, encourage a loss of individual identity in exchange for identity with the group, and “spiritual bypassing.” 

We explore what healthy versus unhealthy service, worship, adherence, and participation in religions looks like. Susanna encourages us to investigate whether a group is truly egalitarian and whether they treat women and children with dignity. Also, being mindful that there is not use of strategies like the “thought-terminating cliche” that Susanna mentioned from the work of Bridget McNulty.

We conclude with ways to heal from codependency created by religious trauma. Susanna describes how we need to start to check in with ourselves, find a therapist who treats religious trauma, work through the feelings from our religious abuse, and give ourselves a lot of space to find out who we are. 

I’ll be sure to have an episode about codependency with God which is definitely part of my experience!

Questions for you:

1. What came up for you as you heard Susanna’s definition of codependency? 
2. How do you see yourself engaging in those Four Horseman? Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness in your relationships?
3. Do you have experiences of religious trauma and abuse in your upbringing? What memories came to mind as you heard Susanna describe what religious trauma looks like. 
4. How do you sense negative experiences with religions/institutions/leaders/peers are impacting you in your current life as it relates to your codependency?
5. From the steps that Susanna described on how to heal from codependency caused by religious abuse, what can you integrate into your life to support your own healing?

Thank you for coming on Susanna!

And thank you, dear listener, for listening! 

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-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected]

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

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See you next week!

-How can loving baby girls turn into codependent daughters with their mothers?

-What messages do we get from our mothers that lead us to be passive, subservient, and conflict-avoidant?

-What are the initial steps we can take to heal our relationship with our mothers?

Welcome to Episode 93! This week, we are graced with the presences of Dr. Judith Rabinor, psychologist and author of the book, The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother. Dr. Rabinor talks with me about what codependency between a mother and a daughter looks like, how it starts, and what we can do to start to break the patterns of codependency we have with our moms. You’ll hear me share quotes from Dr. Rabinor’s book and have her expand on how we go from a healthy dependency in our childhood to an unhealthy codependency with our mothers as young women. We conclude with ways for you to start knowing and expressing your own thoughts and needs. It’s a must-listen!

More on this episode’s guest:

Judy is a clinical psychologist, an author and a writing coach who teaches on line. She is the author of The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother, a unique book integrating memoir, self help for mothers and daughters and a basic introduction to the psychology and psychotherapy of eating disorders.

Judithruskayrabinorphd.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/girlinredboots/

Facebook Author Page: drjudyrabinor https://www.facebook.com/DrJudyRabinor

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drjudyrabinor/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/DrJudyRabinor

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drjudyrabinor/

Get Judy’s mini book here: https://judithruskayrabinorphd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Rabinor-Mothers-Daughters.pdf 

Helpful links for the podcast:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things Codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Support! Donate Money/Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Dr. Rabinor’s definition of codependency: an imbalance of power where one individual is “in charge” and the other is “obedient.” She expands on how the obedient one tends to also be intensively anxious about keeping the other individual happy. This can be with a partner, a parent, a boss, a friend, etc. 

We then dive into Dr. Rabinor’s book, The Girl in the Red Boots: Healing My Relationship With My Mother. I read the following quotes and then have Dr. Rabninor expand on related questions:

1. Page 27: My early programming…is what I learned as a small child who yearned for my mother’s love and approval. Driven to please her, I absorbed and internalized her essence. Unconsciously, a part of me was still devoted to the voice in my head whispering, “Mother knows best.”
2. 1. What does it look like to absorb and interlize our mother’s essence?
   1. How do we lose our voices with our mothers when it comes to asserting our needs, disappointments, frustrations?
3. Page 66: …she had betrayed me, her daughter. She had pulled me in to the middle of her drama by asking me to keep a secret [from my husband and brother]. I should have said all of this to her, and I should have asked her why she had to tell me. I should have reminded her that I had just lost my father and was in mourning. I wish I had told her that her happiness about her affair, her comfort…brought me neither happiness or comfort…But I said none of those things. I don’t really know why I didn’t have a voice…” 
   1. Do experiences like this teach us daughters to prioritize the needs of our mothers (stop crying, listen to my heartbreak story) over ourselves (grieve a friendship, process the rejection)? What does that do for our other relationships?
4. Page 104: …the pain of seventh grade wasn’t only about being rejected by the mean girls. It was also about feeling isolated by and disconnected from my mother…”This really isn’t a big deal!” she said. “No more crying, Judy. And if you think losing your best friend hurts, just wait until you lose a boyfriend.” A detailed narrative followed as my mother described her heartbreak when her first boyfriend dumped her….”Was there something wrong with me that I was suffering so much and making a big deal about something unimportant?”
   1. How do we avoid mother blaming while working through our codependency?
5. Page 138: Marcy had been working with me in therapy for six months when I began to worry she might get suck in a cycle of mother blaming. 
   1. Where do we start with developing this skill?
6. Page 160: Many women have been trained to serve others and have trouble knowing and expressing their own wants and needs. Articulating one’s “wants” is a still that takes practice and a willingness to risk challenging the givens and facting the unknown?

We conclude with Dr. Rabninor sharing with us about ways we can heal our relationship with our mothers (providing her with context, practicing self-compassion and mother-compassion, and working through the anger/grief/depression). She also describes how we can break the patterns of codependency in our current relationships: become aware if we are being codependent, ask ourselves “What am I afraid to say?,” and then start to have conversations to tolerate dissension/conflict/disagreement.

Questions for you:

1. What came up for you as you heard Dr. Rabinor’s definition of codependency? 
2. How have you internalized and absorbed your mother’s opinions/beliefs/attitudes? And how may that no longer be serving you?
3. Do you have a voice when it comes to asserting your feelings/wants/needs with your mother? What do you imagine would happen if you spoke up for yourself?
4. What experiences from your past can you recal where you put the needs and comfort of your mother above your own? How does that impact you in your current relationships?
5. Do you mother-blame? Is there anger/grief/sadness towards your relationship with your mother that you need to work through?
6. How have you been trained to serve others? And what can you do to start developing the skill of being aware and sharing your needs with others?

Thank you for coming on Dr. Rabinor! 

Get Judy’s mini book here: https://judithruskayrabinorphd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Rabinor-Mothers-Daughters.pdf

Thanks for listening! 

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

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-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected]

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC - 

See you next week!

-We use the term all the time but what is “gaslighting” and how does it relate to codependency?

-How and why may codependents be more vulnerable to gaslighting (from partners, parents, pals, and peers alike)?

-What are the steps we can take to combat gaslighting in our relationships?

Welcome to episode 92! This week, we are taking a deep dive into the world of G A S L I G H T I N G with Dr. Deborah Vinall, Phd, LMFT. From Debroah, we learn what “gaslighting” means (as it is an over-used and under-understood term) and how it shows up in our codependent relationships. I ask Deborah for helpful examples of what gaslighting is and what it isn’t in order to help you see how it may be showing up in your life. To conclude, Deborah provides us with 4 key steps to end the insanity of gaslighting and embrace healthy boundaries. It’s a must-listen! 

Thank you for supporting the show! 

More on this episode’s guest:

Deborah Vinall is a Doctor of Psychology, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a certified EMDR and Brainspotting practitioner. 

www.drdeborahvinall.com

FB: https://www.facebook.com/TamarCounselingServices

Insta and TikTok: @traumatherapydoc

Helpful links for the podcast:

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More deets on the episode: 

We begin with our “typical two” and hear Deborah’s definition of codependency and experiences (related to) codependency from her own life. What are your thoughts on her distinction between having a more passive or rebellious pattern as a child?

We then shift to our main focus: gaslighting. 

Deborah answers what gaslighting is (an insidious pattern of behavior/emotional abuse used to undermind someone’s confidence, self-trust, and intuition) and what gaslighting is not. This is super helpful as this is an over-used but under-understood word. 

We then discuss what gaslighting looks like in codependent relationships. I share aloud how I wonder if I gaslit my exes in the past, however, Deborah highlights how it really is a “pattern of emotional abuse.” We may gaslight others at times, however, it is important to focus on identifying the pattern. 

We conclude with the 4 steps Deborah suggests to combat gaslighting in your relationships: 

1. Awareness: identify, acknowledge, and admit
2. Grieve
3. Institute self-care, grace, and compassion
4. Set and reinforce boundaries

Yes, boundaries are scary but Deborah emphasizes how it’s important to discern which type of fear it is: newness scary, safety-threatened scary, wanting-to-please-others scary, etc. 

Thanks for coming on Deborah! 

Questions for you:

1. How did you feel when hearing Deborah’s definition of codependency? How did it resonate or differ from your experience?
2. Do you sense you took a more passive or rebellious road in childhood? How come? How has that served and debilitated you?
3. What was your reaction to the definition of gaslighting?
4. Where do you see gaslighting in your relationships (past and present)?
5. Are there any steps that Deborah discussed (awareness, grieving, etc.) that you need to implement this week to rid gaslighting from your life?

Thanks for listening! 

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See you next week!

-What is trauma and how does it impact our codependency?

-What’s the difference between Big-T trauma, little-t trauma, and t-t-t-trauma (also known as complex trauma)?

-How can past emotional wounds lead us to lose ourselves in our relationships? And how can we reverse that pattern?

Welcome to episode 91! This week, we are taking a lesson in Trauma 101. You’ll hear the definitions and examples of trauma, including the varying types of trauma: Big-T trauma, little-t trauma, and complex trauma (which I describe as t-t-t-trauma). I discuss the interconnection between traumatic experiences and the beliefs that contributed to our codependency. We conclude with an anecdote to help with your understanding of trauma for this first Trauma 101 lesson. You’ll leave the episode with a good understanding about the different types of trauma and thoughtful questions to reflect on the impact of trauma in your own life. 

Links:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Listen and watch No Doubt’s song, I’m Just a Girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHzOOQfhPFg 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with a check in then shift to our Trauma 101 lesson. Here are the terms we define and provide thorough examples of:

Trauma

Big-T trauma

little-t trauma

T-t-t-t-trauma (also known as c-trauma for complex or chronic trauma)

I then discuss why is it important for you to reflect on your past trauma and be curious about how it has impacted you in the past, present, and future? 

We conclude with a little-t trauma story to help bolster your understanding.

I’m curious what experiences, big T, little t or ttttrauma, which you have had that you sense contribute to your codependency?

We will discuss how to work through past trauma in another episode. 

For now, take time to reflect on trauma and it’s impact on your past and present. 

Meditate, journal, or do a voice memo contemplating:

• Big T
• Little t
• And t-t–t-trauma
• What core beliefs or core conclusions about yourself, others, and the world did you come to as a consequence?
• And how are they unconsciously driving your actions and inactions today?

Thanks for listening! 

PLEASE:

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We need more ratings on Spotify! Appreciate it!

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected]

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-What is mansplaining and how does may it contribute to our codependency?

-How does perceiving ourselves through a male’s perspective cause us to lose self-compassion and self-tenderness when we need that the most?

-Why is it more difficult for women in a patriarchal society to cultivate personal authority? And easier to develop into codependents?

Welcome to episode 90! In this episode, we discuss how, throughout my life, men mansplained to me and why that has contributed to my codependency. You’ll learn some new terms terms to add to a discussion on how a male’s perspective on our behavior as codependents is not always accurate, true, or helpful. With the help of a 15th-century poem and the work of two psychotherapists, we unpack what it is that women want and why sexism, objectification and other aspects of our patriarchal society inhibit that. It’s a thought-provoking episode on how our role as women in society relate to our codependency in our daily lives. 

Links:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Listen and watch No Doubt’s song, I’m Just a Girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHzOOQfhPFg 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with our check in then shift to defining some key terms with the help of Polly Young-Eisendrath and Florence Wiedemann and their book Female Authority: Empowering Women Through Psychotherapy.

Mansplain: (of a man) explain (something) to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.

Patriarchy: a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it. 

Androcentricism: focused or centered on men; dominated by or emphasizing masculine interests or a masculine point of view; seeing the world from the male perspective. 

Personal authority: the ability to validate one’s own thoughts and actions as good and true. It develops gradually as others recognize and communicate the value of one’s ideas and contributions, both for the family and for the larger social group (synonyms include sovereignty). 

I then read to you the story of Sir Gawain and the Lady Ragnell from the 15th century.

I’m curious what came up for you while I read this tale? 

Two challenges for you: 

1. How can you be your own Sir Gawain?

1. How can you find one Sir Gawain in your life? 

We conclude with an anecdote from my life when I asked my dad what to do with my discomfort towards an older male. He mansplained to me and I was left powerless. 

This connection between codependency and our role as women is something I plan to talk about more and more. 

Your homework:

-be more thoughtful/conscious about how androcentrism impacts how you perceive yourself

-try to cultivate personal authority by being Sir Gawain to yourself and finding one Sir Gawain in your life (it could be a woman–doesn’t have to be a man)

-try to play with a Gynocentric view of the world

Thanks for listening! 

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We need more ratings on Spotify! Appreciate it! If you’re wanting more hand-holding from me (gynocentric hand-holding), you can: 

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See you next week! 

-Why is discernment such a foreign concept to codependents?

-How can practicing proper discernment save your life?

-What are the 10 steps to develop discernment?

Thank you for your support and welcome to episode 89! This week, we are taking a deep-dive into the practice of discernment: the ability to judge well. I will share with you what discernment means and why it’s such a foreign concepts to codependents like us. You’ll hear me argue for why you need to develop discernment in your own life, including how, without it, we end up unhappy and unsafe. We finish with a detailed guide to the 10 steps to developing discernment that was shared with me from a mentor. Your understanding of proper and improper discernment will be bolstered thanks to my handy sharing of two anecdotes from my own life. You’ll leave the episode with clarity on how to practice discernment and integrate it in your own life stat! 

Links:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing - 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC - 

More deets on the episode: 

We start with the definition of discernment: (noun) the ability to judge well. Synonyms include: sensitivity, awareness, wisdom, and sagacity. For example, “Her lack of discernment led to her disastrous choice of dating partners.”

We are using a list of ways to develop discernment that was created by Dr. Jim Clarke.

4 reasons why codependummies need to develop discernment:

-We don’t have it

-We do what others want (or what we think they want) and end up unhappy

-Third reason we need discernment

-We need to develop our ability to trust ourselves

I then share an anecdote where I participated in a series of duathons (biathalons?) all because someone else told me I should do it! Overall it was no good! Don’t follow what I did–save yourselves!

10 ways to practice developing discernment when presented with a choice (it could be big or small since something small to others can be big to you):

1. Spend time in silent prayer or listening heart. 
2. Spend time journaling/writing. What are the pros and cons? Advantages and disadvantages? 
3. Engage with music, art, poetry, and other content (what comes up for you?).
4. Reflect in nature - get some fresh air and intentionally use that time to explore your options. 
5. Seek guidance through your dreams.
6. Talk to trusted others, especially those who have had a similar experience. 
7. Notice coincidences.
8. Meditate with imagination.
9. Lean into your intuition - what does your inner sense say?
10. Take all the time you need to trust your gut

That my friends, if practiced regularly, will deliver you the ability to discern what is best for you. 

We conclude with a short anecdote on a decision where I practiced these 10 steps and arrived at a conclusion that was best for me–not the best-looking but best for me. 

Like Father Jim said to me: proper discernment can save your life. 

Thanks for listening! 

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

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We need more ratings on Spotify! Appreciate it!

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected]

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week!