Link to book a curiosity call - https://calendly.com/paincoachdeb
Transcript:
[00:00:00] Welcome to move with Deb. I am Deb, your friendly neuroplastician, and this is a podcast that explores the relationship between the body and the mind. From a health at every size, judgment-free perspective, I teach you how developing a new internal conversation based on curiosity, self friendship, and simple neuroplasticity techniques can rewire your body mind out of pain and emotional overwhelm to help you build the rich full life that you want to live. Disclaimer, this is not a replacement for medical care.
[00:00:55] Hello and welcome to move with Deb, the podcast soon, or eventually being renamed as a Curiosity Cure. But I'm Deb, your mind body hypno coach, pain reprocessing, emotional processing, and general cheerleader cheering you on ,and helping you understand the connections between the mind and the body, neuroplasticity, bioplasticity, and all of the processes that help us feel more, better, more of the time. That is me.
[00:01:32] I am happy to be here and chat with you today. Today's conversation is about This idea that I have been working on, which is being your own beloved. I don't know if I like those words, but those were the words that just popped into my mind right now.
[00:01:53] I was at the pool the other day and I, one of the things that I enjoy about my community pool is that it is a Amazing resource for this incredible neighborhood and beyond. Anybody can go to it and there's so many families and there's so many, just like different people all gathered together having fun.
[00:02:17] This kind of controlled chaos. It's definitely not a place to go if I just wanted a quiet lap swim experience. And I've really worked on my own, kind of my own mind, body work, my own processing to be like, yes, and I can get my needs met going to this pool, even though it's a little loud, even though it's a little chaotic, even though there are no swim lanes.
[00:02:45] Even though, even though, even though I am choosing to be here. And all of my MINDBODY skills really come in handy when I'm in this space. And I really love being able to practice creating incredible experiences for myself inside of containers that I can't control everything. Because here's the paradox.
[00:03:06] In MINDBODY work, what we often discover is pain behaviors Are often born out of this desire to control because of course, of course we wanna control things that we are not liking. Of course, we want to change things or get away from things that we believe are triggers for our pain or discomfort or uncomfortable experiences.
[00:03:30] And what sometimes that leads to is this habituated practice of the first response is, I'm going to control. I'm gonna control the environment around me, so then I don't have the trigger, so then I don't experience the symptoms. One of the ways out of it is to create that locus of control within ourselves and intentionally put ourselves in situations in which there are things that are happening that we can't control.
[00:04:00] And usually it's really good to do this paired with a desire. So I really wanted to swim and there are not that many options for where I live currently to like go create that happening. But there happens to be this amazing pool right down the street from where I live that's open during the summer. And I was noticing I wasn't going because you know, I was like, oh, they don't have any lap swim times.
[00:04:30] They used to have lap swim times, right? So now I'm all like, they took something away from me or there's something that I expected and desired and needed and wanted to be there, and now it's not there, so now I can't go. Right. That's all an internal dialogue, so I don't know if any of that internal dialogue is familiar to you.
[00:04:51] But I kept noticing like that desire, wanting to be there, and I was like, well, what if I also really get to practice this incredible experience of taking exquisite care of myself, creating this version of meeting that desire within this container that I don't control everything in it is not going to be the perfect swimming experience.
[00:05:19] And I know that going in, but how can I make this swimming experience perfect for me? And that's really the beauty of this work because in the end result is I get to go swimming. And I also get to learn how to really have my own back inside of experiences where I am not in charge of everything.
[00:05:41] I am not in control of everything. And I also have to deal with other people who are having their own experiences and sometimes we are not matching up. So. I have been going to the pool and it's been lovely. And of course the first thing I noticed was my brain was catastrophizing all the ways it was going to be awful or difficult or a struggle or like not what I want.
[00:06:10] Then, and I got there and I like, you know, made sure I had my lock and I, you know, followed the rules and I showed up and I was like, I am showing up for me. No matter what happens. I am happy to be here. That was my like, First swim time where I was like, I am at least showing up for the me that wants to be here and wants to do this, and wants to try, even though I don't know how it's gonna go, and I don't know if my needs are going to be met.
[00:06:47] Now there are a few things I wanna say. I have been there before, so I had a memory of having been there, having successfully gone swimming, and so that kind of implicit knowledge I could rely on and that sometimes is very helpful. So I'm not going in completely blind, like I don't know anything. I knew a lot, so I was like, okay getting into that embodied sense of like, oh, I can really trust some things that I know about this situation. I. I also don't have a, specific access need. So like, I actually, this pool has a ramp and so, and I've been having some foot pain, so I also knew like, oh, I wasn't gonna have to like, climb in and out of a ladder. And some people's bodies that's accessible and some people's bodies, that's not accessible. So I knew that there was a ramp. A gentle sloping ramp that went into the pool. And I was like, I knew that. So I knew I would be able to get in and out of the pool. So those things are also important depending on who you are, what your body is like, what you feel capable of.
[00:07:57] Sometimes we're capable of things and we don't think we are. And so there's like a mismatch over there and there's some emotional intensity or content that can be worked with. And sometimes it's just like being willing to show up and see what happens, planning ahead for how you are going to take care of yourself.
[00:08:19] Maybe it's asking for help. Maybe it's bringing a friend. Maybe it's just psyching yourself up into like, Hey, you know what? Like even if this doesn't work, I'm gonna give myself a big hug and a pat on the back and, I'm really gonna be proud of myself that I tried. So, but for me, I knew these things about this pool and sometimes it is scouting something out ahead of time that can also be a part of a process, right?
[00:08:46] So sometimes it's not just like, rip the bandaid off, go see what happens. And like, If you're in a dissociated state, sometimes that's, that's like a part of this experience. So we wanna find ways for our nervous system to be gentle in a process where we can be a good ally with ourself. So I did a bunch of that kind of stuff beforehand. And I went to the pool and of course, as it often is, it wasn't as, crowded as I thought it was gonna be. It wasn't as hard to find space for just my body to move around in the way that I wanted it to be. Of course there are lots of diverse bodies in the pool wearing all kinds of bathing suits, so that is just really fun.
[00:09:39] I, you know, knew that intellectually, but it was fun, as I am in the pool as a person in a larger body, and I'm wearing my two piece bathing suit, I am also looking around at the diversity of bodies and noticing who's around me. I. Oh my God, they're having fun. Isn't that delightful? And really filling myself up with this feeling of belonging.
[00:10:08] I belong here. I. This is my pool and it is their pool. And it is our pool. So feeling connected to this larger community by sharing this space together and recognizing like I am able to, to hold the duality that there are some things that I might want and not get. And there's a lot of things that I'm getting, and I'm only getting this experience because I am here putting myself in the pool.
[00:10:46] I can't sit at home and read about going to pools. I can't just look up pools and think about going to a pool. If I want the experience of floating swimming, being immersed in water, I need to go actually do it. And for me, that final piece of action is sometimes, it's such a powerful, full acknowledgement of desire where I can meet my own desires.
[00:11:18] When I do it over and over again, I feel incredibly powerful because nobody else can go swim for me. I have to be the one to go, and I figured out a way that was gonna be amazing. And so while I was there, part of my mind body work is like, okay, I have this beautiful attention system. What is it that my eyeballs are seeing? What is it my senses are feeling? How can I use these experiences for my highest benefit?
[00:11:52] So I was looking around and I was watching all of these parents or caregivers with these little babies or small children and really watching this incredible care and delight and sweetness. And like the holding a baby, floating in the water and just the looks from the children to the adults and from the adults to the children. That quality on their faces of love, of caring. I, oh, I'm getting emotional of feeling held. And I just let that flow through me and I started imagining the experience of being held, and I just started noticing what the water felt like as it's holding me.
[00:12:51] And then I started to think about you. My listeners and about my clients and about myself, who is also my client, and I was thinking about the experience of being held, and I noticed that my brain wanted to go to the past and think about relationships that I'm no longer in. And I could tell that my, like rumination brain wanted to really pick up that thread and start its ruminating and thinking about the past and thinking about different relationships and breakups and endings.
[00:13:29] And I was like, okay, brain, I see you. And yes, all of that is true. Actually, what I want is to evoke and revivify that experience of being held, and then my brain wanted to launch into the future, thinking about will I ever be held again? Will I have these kinds of relationships? What will it be like when I do X, Y, and Z when I date, when I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:14:00] Again, leaving the present moment and thinking about, and let's be real, when we're thinking about the future, are we just worrying or are we thinking about the future and being like, yeah, in the future, when I am held, it will feel like this. That wasn't really what I was thinking, so I'm gonna tell on myself, right?
[00:14:28] Noticing my brain wants to solve this problem of being held or not being held, and what does it mean about me and my desirability and oh my God. You know, all of a sudden I'm not even in the pool. Like I don't even have a body, like I'm not even present in my experience, this experience that I actually intentionally cultivated for my self.
[00:14:58] So I noticed that was happening and you know, I talk about noticing what is happening in our mind and body all the time. So I noticed that was happening and I took that as an invitation to come back to the present moment. And I said, what would it feel like if I were to invite just this open, spacious experience of being held right now in the pool?
[00:15:23] Just letting my imagination kind of run with it. And I knew I should have recorded this right after that experience because now I can't remember exactly what happened. But that is also the beauty because it's a, it's a liminal experience. It is not about the actual narrative story. It is about the feelings that are evoked when I went on a mind journey, when I went on an imagination journey.
[00:15:58] And maybe that's something we can do together right now, which is just wherever you are, as long as you're not driving or doing heavy machinery or you know, in a place where you can let your imagination wander, allow yourself to just relax and maybe your eyes are feeling heavy and they wanna close, or maybe they're staying open. There's no wrong way to do this, and just noticing your body feeling settled and placing your attention on your breath, and just inviting in a big breath and then exhaling twice as long. And then just imagining. Whatever it is for you, that feeling of being held. So for me, I was in the water and I had just looked at all of these babies being held i. By loving arms and loving eyes and smiling faces.
[00:16:59] And so I had that warm love feeling inside of me and I just emanated that feeling around me. And now I'm revivifying it, but it's different and it's just what it is now. So I'm imagining this love bubble kind of growing to hold me, hold my whole body as we're floating in this beautiful warm pool surrounded by loving people.
[00:17:28] And now this warm love bubble is just holding me. It's almost like this bubble is made of helium and I am just floating and bouncing and being held by this warm and loving container. And I can feel the coolness of the pool and the water around me, and every time I would float and feel that, and feel the kind of difference between the coolness of the water and the warmness of the air and the bubble, and just letting that penetrate my skin and my being.
[00:18:09] And I sometimes open my eyes and I would see the clouds. And if you're a long time listener of this podcast, you'll know that clouds are really, I consider clouds my friend. And so clouds are this kind of space where I get to go and be free and float and feel love. And so I am connecting in love with the clouds and feeling my heart, that love and that warmth really just penetrating my skin and flowing through my body. I. Just like my heart is pumping, warm life-giving blood, and moving oxygen around inside of me, just feeling, th flowing through inside of me, flowing from my heart all the way to the tiniest capillaries, and coming back in and being this cycle of love and feeling held both by the water, by my heart, by my intention of creating this held, loving experience for myself to rest in.
[00:19:30] I remember having kind of a wave of grief flowing through and just being like, yes, that's right. Sometimes we feel things and just inviting that me into this bubble to be held. Alongside of the me that was already being held, and now I'm imagining actually me embracing me inside this bubble me embracing the me who is feeling grief, that is feeling these tears rolling off my cheeks.
[00:20:03] And just letting it be okay to feel held while having an emotion. And just as I keep breathing and sensing into this space around me, feeling held, feeling loved, knowing that I am growing my capacity and my sense of strength in this experience. Growing the love, but also being the love, being the holder of love, being the transmitter of love, and being the receiver and all of this happening in my imagination as I am floating, in this water that I have created this experience for myself.
[00:20:55] And now of course you can create this as you're laying in bed in the morning. Sometimes it's really beautiful to start your day already feeling held. So maybe you can ask yourself, how would I like to feel at the end of the day? And then start your day just spending a little time evoking that feeling for yourself.
[00:21:20] And just feeling into it. What is it gonna feel like? What does it feel like now when I feel accomplished or grounded or connected in myself? You can just play and let your imagination go where it wants to go and help you connect with these feelings.
[00:21:44] That feeling of being held, I think is so powerful because in mind body work, we often talk about self-compassion and or maybe like self-compassion as a resting place. And we're also talking about invoking positive affect, right? Which is just a way of saying feeling good. And so we have a lot of narratives in this capitalist culture and in Christian theology, I believe, right?
[00:22:14] Of having to earn love, having to earn our place, having to earn God's favor and a lot of that gets transmuted into like, well, we're not allowed to feel certain things until we've done certain things. And I think that mythology creates some harm. And certainly there's value in doing in creating, but we shouldn't make ourselves have to earn love or just the things that we need. And I would love for the world to be organized in that way and at least here in this country, it is not necessarily currently, but we can start reclaiming some of that not needing to earn for ourselves. So right in the morning, we can start by really sensing into our incredible and immutable worth and value as a human being just for existing.
[00:23:14] How amazing would that be when you wake up and that's the reminder that you're giving yourself, not, I'm behind, I am late, I'm a fuck up. I can't tell you how many years I unknowingly, subconsciously reinforce this belief that I had already failed before the day even started. If I do one thing in my life unwinding that story and I, I actually, actually, now that I think about it, I think I have unwound that story.
[00:23:46] Like that doesn't happen anymore. And it, it's this thing where I have a podcast called The Despair of Disbelief. It's sometimes it's the, you know, we can understand something cognitively, but somatically, we're still in that old belief, and that can be an incredibly painful place to be because we're like, I understand it, I understand it.
[00:24:09] I have the insight and the knowledge in my mind, but the rest of me is not on board. The rest of me is not agreeing. Sometimes we wanna do what I call going to debate club and we wanna go duke it out. But really the answer is, I've said before to go to drama club, which is we want to go to the feeling, we want to match the feeling with the belief that we are trying to have.
[00:24:40] So if we believe, we deserve love and we have immutable worth and value as humans, as all people do just for existing. And we need to practice that feeling and we're going to, our body will be the one that is finishing that creative process and. This is I guess, a form of fake it till you make it, but like it's the neuroplasticity version of fake it till you make it.
[00:25:10] So we're not faking it, we're evoking it to believe it. We're practicing the smallest version of it. We don't know how it's gonna actually show up for ourselves six months from now, but if we practice a version of it now, and if we even unleash our beautiful imagination to just make it up and let it just be something creative.
[00:25:41] We get to just really feel, so you wake up in the morning and you're like, and then just take a moment and be like, oh no. Right now, this is the time where I'm practicing feeling held and loved and just be like, okay, yeah. What does that feel like today? I'm gonna lay in bed. I'm gonna imagine a bubble or a cloud or a big hand holding me, or I am myself and a baby, or you know, I don't know, some a Muppet or a character from a favorite movie or your own child, or, you know, right. This is where imagination is so helpful because it doesn't have to be real, as long as the feeling is real and then we just play and feel. And then it's like, okay, and we just practice it in the smallest moments, in the tiniest bits, in these moments where we're feeling triggered and we're like, ah, what do I do?
[00:26:50] And I'm like, okay. We go into this feeling just for a moment to meet ourselves where we are and evoke the feeling of how we want to be feeling. And that's, Neuroplasticity, that's Bioplasticity. We are attending and tuning our nervous system through the power of our imagination and evoking a different state, and it is powerful work and it is not hard.
[00:27:22] So that's my invitation to you to just start to practice. How can you do that? Are there things that are already existing in your life that really give you that good feeling? Okay where do you feel that good feeling? How can you spread it around? Where else would you like that good feeling to be? Can you imagine it as something that you apply to yourself? Maybe you're in a work meeting and you have some lotion and you're like putting the lotion on your hand, but really in the lotion, you've infused this like good, calm, confident feeling, and every time you put the lotion on, you're like, yeah.
[00:28:08] This feels really good, this confidence, this belief that yeah, I know what I'm doing, right? So there's so many different ways to play with it and honestly you can't get it wrong. So, and if that is something that you would love to do, With a guide, with a coach. Uh, some people love to like super d i y stuff on their own and I am here for it 'cause I am that person who did not like to go to the shoe store and have people pick out shoes for me and put them on my feet.
[00:28:41] I. I love to go like to the big box stores or pay less, which I think was the first one. And like, go find the shoe and put it on my own feet. And you know, maybe that's, some of that is a trauma response and maybe some of that is just like, I like to be in my own time, in my own space doing my own thing.
[00:29:01] But I will say we are meant to be connected. Our nervous systems are designed that way, so in whatever way, I wanna encourage you to, even in your imagination, reach out and connect with other people in whatever way feels safe for you right now. So if you are like, Hey, I might wanna do this with a coach. I might want to be held in a container where I can really feel free to explore and to evoke and to create this MINDBODY experience that I would rather be having over the one that I'm currently having, then I wanna encourage you to book a curiosity call with me and you just like pop on the link, make an appointment, and we have a conversation and see if working together is something that you think would feel good and help you. I would love to meet you.
[00:30:03] As you know, as I say, I can go on and on, so I'm getting to practice being succinct. Today's practice is about imagination and evoking pleasant sensory states. And I hope you have fun. If you do and you're like, this is so cool, lemme know. I would love to know how you are using this beautiful, beautiful brain of yours and all of your senses to help create an experience for yourself.
[00:30:34] I always love to hear about it. All right, take care.
