The Darkest Timeline Podcast

For the eleventh episode of Season 3, I wish we were watching Striptease like David nearly went with, three-hour runtime be damned. Instead, we watched a 2008 right-wing comedy take on Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol", but during the 4th of July. I'm sure Dickens would appreciate that. Now, I'm all for modern re-tellings of the classics, but Scrooged was much better, even if 68% on Rottentomatoes.com doesn't seem like much, but this thing got 11%.

For the tenth episode of Season 3, we watch that 1994 failure of a stake-out film, "Cops and Robbersons". Now, I know that Chevy Chase hasn't always had the best luck with films, sure he's had some good one's, those are the only one's people remember, but for every Caddyshack, there's a Caddyshack 2, as they say. Or maybe not. Does anyone say that? I know I will now. Anyway, it's not really a good movie, or so I've heard, I've never seen it. Whatever.

For the ninth episode of Season 3, we go straight to Hell, which ironically has much better films than last week's travesty. Yes, we are watching 1997's special effects extravaganza; Spawn! I am well aware that by every available metric this is not a great movie, nor was it a particularly successful one, but there is no way I will ever admit to it being nearly on the same plane of badness as last week's fare. Don't get me wrong, though, there's still plenty to dislike.

For the eighth episode of Season 3, we go to a dark time in American history, back when the Blue Collar Comedy Tour gave Larry the Cable Guy more fame than he could ever possibly deserve. I would like to pose an open question to any executive who gave this movie the thumbs up: Why? I suppose it was just for the star-power money, which is fair cause it didn't make any in the end. Jokes on them and I hope they were fired.

For the seventh episode of Season 3, we go back to our Season 1 roots and throw in a PG movie featuring talking animals doing spy things. How it this a genre? Last time we did G-Force, but that made too much sense on its own, so this time we're going with a sequel to a movie that we haven't seen, probably. Honestly, the first one came out in 2001 and none of us remember. Four of the five previous movies we watched were hard-R's, but this is PG. We should be heroes to you.

For the sixth episode of Season 3, we behold the 2007 video game adapted thing that is Uwe Boll's Postal. Which is neat, cause we picked the movie before he announced that he would no longer be making bad movies. Okay, he just said movies, but they were all bad. That said, from an adaptation point of view, this is definitely the closest he ever came to capturing the spirit of the property he paid for the film rights of.

For the fifth episode of Season 3, we watch another damn vampire film. At least this one comes out on Halloween weekend, so it makes a little more sense. Suck is a low-budget horror-musical in the vein of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or so I've read online. Turns out it's not the worst thing ever, and it does feature quite a few people from the music scene, like Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Dimitri Coats, and Moby (in his best role ever).

For the fourth episode of Season 3, we continue our unintentional two-year time jumps and watch the 2012 horror-comedy-drama Vamps starring Alicia Silverstone and Krysten Ritter. All any of us know about his movie comes from David's short explanation in the last episode: It stars the previously mentioned actresses as vampires and it might have a Van Helsing in it. By the time we recorded the episode it was much too late to be wishing to only know that little about the film once again.

For the third episode of Season 3, we watch the 2014 mess known as Search Party. From what I can tell, it came out in a few places in 2014, then in the United States in 2016, and that's just about all I know about this movie, which is pretty rare. I also know that, for whatever reason, this movie has a lot of named actors in it. which seems to be the case with a lot of bad movies. They try to fix them by throwing sheer numbers of actors that people may want to see into it.

For the second episode of Season 3 we watched the 2016 road trip comedy that tries really hard to elicit any kind of laugh from the audience, yet fails every time: Dirty Grandpa with Robert De Niro and Zac Efron. We had all forgotten how perilous the regular seasons were, without a theme and list of movies, we might end up watching any old crap. It's legitimately frightening. This movie proves that the fear is well placed. At least we still had Pam, and for that we will always be grateful.