The Darkest Timeline Podcast

Our first episode of Season 3, and our return to a normal Timeline, is a Nick Cage movie that we've never seen before, 2014's action-crime-thriller: Rage, which isn't really that surprising since he seems to go for quantity over quality most of the time. Although we did almost watch it once, it's just that the wi-fi got knocked out so we only got to see the first ten minutes or so. Well, that's all going to change.

This week we don't watch a movie, or at least not one that we talk about in this podcast. And it probably won't be a bad movie at that. Anyway, the boys reminisce about this past season and rate all the movies from the best to the worst, then wax sympathetic of the humble beginnings of the podcast, and move on and talk about the future and how the third season will have a few more bells and whistles than previous seasons.

For the eighteenth and final film in the comic book season, we will be watching the second and final Nick Cage Ghost Rider; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Sure, the first one isn't a great movie either, but at least this one isn't as boring and features a much Nick Cageier Nick Cage, and that's usually the best part of his films anyway. I am not ashamed in any way to tell you that I personally like the second film much better than the first.

For the seventeenth film this season we've drawn up Barb Wire (1996) starring Pamela Anderson, well known for being a great actress. I'm kidding. That's not why she's known. And here I thought we would get through this season without seeing this movie. No such luck, and here I'd gone my entire life without seeing even a single scene from this absolute crime against cinema. I guess that turned out well for me.  Life is over.

For the sixteenth film of the comic book season that asked the question; Why not? Not finding a good enough answer, they went on to create the Cowboys & Aliens movie. I would like to take this moment to say that this film did what few films can do. It aligned it's rottentomatoes.com scores. The Top Critics, All Critics, and Audience Score all lie at 43%, which is a damned impressive thing to pull off. Bravo Jon Favreau, you've done it again. Back when I first saw this film, in 2011, I thought it was okay, nothing spectacular, but not all that bad. Let's see what a second viewing brings.

For our fifteenth movie this season we watch the film that very nearly killed Wolverine as a character and certainly left a bad taste in many mouths. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was certainly not the best of the X-Men franchise. Mercifully, this film is also the final film starring Ryan Reynolds that we're watching this season. Technically this movie made the Deadpool movie a possibility, so at least there's that.

I have to write a paragraph about Howard the Duck. I don't even know who to say it's starring. I know nothing about this movie, other than it's supposed to be bad. I honestly don't think any of us have seen it. Well, it stars Howard, who is a duck and not from this universe. I also hear that the Howard the Duck scene in the end of Guardians of the Galaxy is better than this entire movie. Alright, that's a lie, you caught me. I'm just assuming that's true.

For our baker's dozenth movie this season we're violently switching gears from a supernatural western to a supernatural dystopian future. Oh wait, never mind, That's not really that big a change. From the past to the future I guess is all it is. In any case, Paul Bettany is a vampire hunter and has a cross tattooed on his face, so that really says all you need to know about this film. Those of us who haven't seen it are looking forward to it for some reason, those of us who have seen it are keeping our damn mouths shut.

For our dozenth movie this, the Comic book season, we're picking up that western vibe from R.I.P.D. and going full force with Jonah Hex! That exclamation point by no means implies excitement, at least not for all of us. Hex has superpowers for God's sake. What's that about? Where did they even get that idea? I may have gone off-topic a bit, but the thing tanked for a reason. If you're so into westerns that you'll watch any movie at all that features even a single cowboy hat, buy it somewhere I guess.

For the eleventh comic movie, we have-- God Damn It! Another bad Ryan Reynolds comic movie? Come one, we just did R.I.P.D.! When will our torture end? (I suppose it will end with X-Men Origins: Wolverine... great.) But Blade Trinity? Really? Seriously, Ryan, we're glad Deadpool came out and all, but that's a seriously weathered road you had to travel.