The Darkest Timeline Podcast

Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for the Patron's Choice review from July 2017 where they watch a film that abjectly refused to be taken seriously. A film that would not allow us to smile again for at least a month. A film that brought entire nations to cry tears of grief, for comedy had finally died. A film that would bring me to extreme exaggeration, even six months after the fact. Yes, we watched that 2007 Larry the Cable Guy fueled mess that was "Delta Farce" starring Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls, Danny Trejo, and Keith David.The last time I thought about this movie was six months ago, and that was enough for the rest of my life. But now I have to once again, so at the very least I should put in a fun fact we didn't know at the time: During this podcast we compare this movie (unfavorably) to "The Three Amigos" (which you should go see if you never have), and it just so happens that the Wikipedia page says this film is a remake of The Three Amigos. Don't get too excited, cause it doesn't look like that information exists anywhere else online other than that Wikipedia page, so it's probably bunk. Still a fun fact though.

Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for the sixteenth episode of Season 5; their review of a comic adaptation that they didn't get around to back in season 2, which is probably for the best... Yes, that amazing comic written by the magician himself (yes I said "magician", look it up, it's true), Alan Moore, 2003's "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" starring Sean Connery, Naseeruddin Shah, Peta Wilson, Tony Curran, Stuart Townsend, Shane West, Jason Flemyng, and Richard Roxburgh.An amazing and expertly crafted comic series that is a completely mesmerizing read. Sadly the movie cannot have nearly so great a review. I won't spoil exactly what we thought of the movie (even though I just kind of did) cause I want you to listen to the podcast. But, suffice to say, if you take any point within the first Volume of the comic that shines and compare it to whatever drivel Hollywood spat onto the screen, I think you should find it lacking a great deal. I may have gotten a bit pretentious there...In any case, I can't really recommend this movie to you, but you might find it passable if you've never read the comic.

Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for the fifteenth episode of this season; their review of a 1998 Action/Horror film that should have had a sequel that would have been much better, but they never bothered making it to our universal chagrin. That's right, we watched "Kinda Like the Movie Aliens, But on a Boat", otherwise known as "Deep Rising", starring Treat Williams, Famke Janssen, Anthony Heald, Kevin J. O'Connor, Wes Studi, Derrick O'Connor, Jason Flemyng, and Djimon Hounsou.This movie was written and directed by Stephen Sommers, a name you just might recognize. He's the one who wrote and directed the first two Brendan Frasier "Mummy" movies, that Hugh Jackman "Van Hellsing" movie, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra", and that "Odd Thomas" movie starring the late great Anton Yelchin (which I personally loved and recommend). I'm not sure what he's doing right now, but if he's not busy, how about a sequel to Deep Rising? We would thank you.

Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for their review of a film that could have been a better movie, in fact, there was a better movie, this just happens to be the sequel to it, which is really unfortunate. For us at least. We all really wished we were watching the first one. But yes, we watched 1991's "F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion" starring Bryan Brown and Brian Dennehy.Here's a gap for you: the original F/X from 1986 has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 86% while F/X 2, released just 5 years later, has a rating of 31%. A rating rightfully earned if you ask us. But apparently, 5 years was just enough time to forget how to make a decent film. Successful low-key burn marked down for me. Self-five *slap*. And that's not sad at all.Here's another sad thing, F/X2 debuted at No. 1 in the box office on its first weekend, but only grossed $21.1 million during the entire run. That's so bad that, to this day, they have never released how much this movie cost to make.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan from July 2017 for a review of a film that really turned expectation on its head, at least where we were concerned. Yes, we watched that strange little Adam Sandler flick that didn't have a theatrical showing in the States, and did manage to do quite poorly overseas, "The Cobbler" starring Adam Sandler, Dan Stevens, Dustin Hoffman and Steve Buscemi.Truly, there has never been an Adam Sandler movie that featured such a completely understated Adam Sandler. It was weird. Or at least I think I remember it being weird; it was six months ago for me, after all. But let's not hold that against me, or that fact that I couldn't be bothered to take an hour out of my day and listen to the podcast so I could actually write an informed description. Let's instead focus on the fact that this is a film that is called "The Cobbler" and features a cobbler as the main character. The balls on whomever wrote up this script must be mythologically immense.

Join David, Ian, Dylan, and Adam for a very special episode of The Darkest Timeline; our second anniversary and 100th episode! For this special occasion, we decided to fix a horrible horrible mistake from our past. In case you didn't know, back in season 4 we recorded an episode that never released, and that podcast was on 2005's "Doom" starring Karl Urban, Dwayne Johnson, and Rosamund Pike. Of course, it was 2005, so Dwayne Johnson was only billed as "The Rock".You may not have heard the first podcast we did on that movie, and for that you should count yourself as blessed. There were too many people, one was totally wasted, and we briefly go through that story at the end of this podcast, so just listen to it there.But back to the movie at hand. Fun fact; if this movie had broken all the laws of the universe and been profitable, one of the executive producers confirmed that they would have made another one. All for the best.

Join Ian, Dylan, and David for the 13th episode of Season 5 where they review a film that really really tried to be one of those fun movies that are built wholly on misunderstandings. The only problem is that those are hard to come by, and this isn't one of them. Yes, we watched 1992's "Blame it on the Bellboy" starring Dudley Moore, Bryan Brown, Patsy Kensit, Richard Griffiths, Andreas Katsulas, and featuring Bronson Pinchot as the titular bellboy.This movie fails in a great many areas, but the one thing this movie does not fail at is being an intricately crafted comedy of errors predicated on a mass misunderstanding, it merely fails at being as good or entertaining comedy of errors predicated on a mass misunderstanding. Call me crazy, but I think that it's just a smidge important that the movie ends up either good or entertaining. It doesn't even have to be both. I still wish it was both.

Join Ian Dylan, and David as they review a film that, how to put it delicately, was not received well during its original theatrical run. Or any subsequent run for that matter. In fact, it currently sports a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's Right, we watched 1989's "Second Sight" starring John Larroquette, Bronson Pinchot, Stuart Pankin and Bess Armstrong.Try as I might, I just couldn't find anywhere that listed how much this movie cost to make, but I'm willing to bet that it cost more than $5.3 million, which is how much it made in theaters. A little less than half of that was during opening weekend, so it didn't even start out well, or even okay. Even during its initial run, the film still received mostly negative reviews, with one saying that it "is utterly lacking in either charm or wit". To see if we agree, why don't you go ahead a listen to the episode?

Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for their Patron's Choice review from June 2017 of a movie that definitely should never have been made. A movie that brought us to tears of anger and gnashing of teeth. I'm saying we didn't like it. It was 2015's Jem and the Holograms, "starring" Aubrey Peeples, Stefanie Scott, Hayley Kiyoko, Aurora Perrineau, Ryan Guzman, Molly Ringwald, and Juliette Lewis. It is nearly impossible to say how completely insanely off-base this movie is compared to its alleged source material. I say "alleged" because just about everyone who ever had to do with Jem before this movie came out has denounced it entirely. But I guess that Hasbro couldn't resist going after another one of their properties after Transformers and G.I. Joe did so well. Box office if not ratings. This movie did neither.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for their review of a film that probably should never have been made in the first place, at the very least just to save the production company from the loss it cost them. Yes, we watched 2016's Bad Santa 2, which stars Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Kathy Bates, and Christina Hendricks. However, unlike the last movie we watched, I can pretty confidently say that the word "stars" is not a misnomer. If you strip away the crude humor and general lack of morality and really look at the film, I think you'll find that there's some very fine acting going on underneath all of that filth. Especially on Kathy Bates' part. That woman is a treasure for the ages, and no one can take that away from her.