The Darkest Timeline Podcast

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for their review of a movie that has touched so many people over the years, just not in the form that we bothered watching it. No riffs for us when we watched  1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians! Which stars John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora, Leila Martin, and Charles Renn. Of course "stars" is a misnomer because there are absolutely no stand-outs in this cast. I guess that closest you could get to a standout is Dropo, played by Bill McCutcheon, but "loud and annoying" rarely crosses over with "good".

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for their review of a movie that dared to wonder, "What if we did the Nutcracker. But, and hear me out here, this is a no-bad-idea space, how about we ruin it. Like, big time. No half measures." That's right, we watched 2009's "The Nutcracker in 3D" otherwise known as "The Nutcracker: The Untold Story" to people who read the title as it appears on the screen. It stars Elle Fanning, Nathan Lane, Frances de la Tour, John Turturro, Richard E. Grant, Julia Vysotskaya, and Aaron Michael Drozin.I'm serious, though, the title of the movie on most posters reads: "The Nutcracker in 3D", but in the movie itself it's only ever called "The Nutcracker: The Untold Story". Mercifully we did not watch the movie in 3D, just good old fashion 2D for us. Although I totally would have forced us to watch it in 3D if we had a 3D ready projector.

Join Ian, Dylan, and Josh from May 2017 in their Patron's Choice review of a film that dared to be all show and no substance. Yes, that mysterious science film sex-romp that somehow only received a PG rating despite feature a rather high amount of nudity, 1968's "Barbarella" starring Jane Fonda, Ugo Tognazzi, Anita Pallenberg, Milo O'Shea, Marcel Marceau, Claude Dauphin, David Hemmings, and John Phillip Law.This was Josh's last podcast with us before he moved away for personal reasons. We remember him well and wish him the best. That said, it's weird for three guys to watch this alone together. It's just not the kind of movie for that kind of situation, so I've always wished that we could have had a less awkward movie watching experience for his final podcast, but I guess that ship has sailed.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review the film that put He-Man on the map... well, a map at least. Specifically a map of glorified toy commercials that were adapted for the big screen and were subsequent box office bombs. Yes, we watched 1987's "Masters of the Universe" starring Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, James Tolkan, Christina Pickles, Meg Foster, and Robert Duncan McNeill.Of course, like many films that do for crap when they come out, Masters of the Universe is now regarded as something of a cult film. I get how it happened, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who was adamant to the point of insanity that I see and enjoy Masters of the Universe. Maybe I just don't get out as much as I should.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review the film that many critics simply brushed off as a clone of Terminator 2, but really offers much much more. Yes, we watched 1992's "Universal Soldier", starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolf Lundgren, Ally Walker, Ed O'Ross, and Jerry Orbach.It really didn't help that the trailer reused music from Terminator 2, but plot-wise it was much more similar to Robocop, which had come out in 1987. Although it makes sense that critics would more readily compare it to Terminator 2, since that came out in 1991, just one year before this film. Wow, they really had some great timing.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they review a strangely comedy-esque take on a serious hero of a 1930's radio serial, that was previously successfully adapted into a television show in the 60's. Yes, we watched 2011's "The Green Hornet", starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Edward James Olmos, David Harbour, Tom Wilkinson and Cameron Diaz. I really like The Green Hornet, not this movie, which I still like, just not like-like. But at the very least I like the idea of The Green Hornet; a hero who everyone thinks is a villain. Definitely a stroke of genius on the part of his creators, George W. Trendle and Fran Striker. No mean feat for something to work well enough to be around for more than eighty years after it's inception. Yeah, he's been around since 1936.

Join Ian, Dylan, and John (from six months ago) for a Patron's Choice review of the only completely stand-alone Godzilla film ever made. A Godzilla film so bad that franchising it was impossible and the sequel was immediately scrapped. Yes, we watched Godzilla (1998), starring Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria, Kevin Dunn, Arabella Field, Michael Lerner, and Harry Shearer. Here's a random fact that won't spoil anything from this podcast for you: I actually like the animated series sequel better than this movie. It has better action, and honestly, it doesn't really need much else than that. Give me a situation where Godzilla fights other large monsters and it just feels right. Sure, the acting's not the best, but that's not all that different from the movie anyway, so what are you complaining about?

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for their final Horror Sequel in Space! This week we reviewed a movie that wore its heart on its sleeve. By that I mean that the subtitle of the movie is "In Space", and it happens in space. Yes, we watched "Alien-Monster-Bast**d IV: In Space." Sorry, slip of the finger, I meant "Leprechaun 4: In Space." Starring Warwick Davis, Brent Jasmer, Jessica Collins, Guy Siner, and Rebekah Carlton. But seriously, they never actually say the word "leprechaun" in this movie, so he's only ever referred to as alien, monster, bast**d, or a combination of the three. Is it just so far in the future that people have forgotten what a leprechaun is? Does this also mean that Lucky Charms went under at some point and no one gets to taste that magically delicious flavor ever again?

Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for the third Horror Sequel in Space (in no particular order)! This week we reviewed the final Hellraiser that rated being released in a theater; Hellraiser Bloodline, otherwise known as Hellraiser IV to those of us who can never remember the arbitrary subtitles given to almost every single Hellraiser film. Of which there are nine (ten if you're reading this after Hellraiser Judgment comes out). But enough about the Hellraiser films we didn't watch, Bloodline stars  Doug Bradley, Bruce Ramsay, Valentina Vargas, and Kim Myers. Honestly, there are other people in it, I just usually copy whatever short list I can find. In fact, Adam Scott's in the movie. We weren't sure at first, but yeah, it was him. Neat.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for our second Horror Sequel in space! And guess what? It's Friday the 13th Y'all! In October, no less, so we reviewed the only thing we possibly could on a day like today; Jason X. Yeah, one of the two Friday the 13th movies that weren't called "Friday the 13th" in some way. In space, there are no Friday's. Maybe there was another reason, but we'll never know and I don't even want to. For informational sake, it stars Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Lisa Ryder, Chuck Campbell, and Peter Mensah. Truth be told, this movie was only made as a stop-gap while Freddy vs. Jason was still in development hell, so they could keep interest in the character alive. I'm not sure if "interest" is what they generated.