The Darkest Timeline Podcast

Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett as they continue with child-like eyes into Season 5 by watching 2009's CG animated Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson vehicle that he didn't actually want anything to do with at first and should have stuck to his guns about. That's right, we reviewed Planet 51! At least the animators worked hard during production, and Dwayne tried his best, but I can't really say anything about anyone else. If you do happen to watch this movie, best to watch it on mute and just enjoy how good it looks, cause everything else is just a waste of your valuable time. It stars Dwayne Johnson, Jessica Biel, Justin Long, Gary Oldman, Seann William Scott, and John Cleese.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they jump headlong into season 5 of the Darkest Timeline through our season starting mainstay Nick Cage! This week we watched that thriller about an iffy magician that can see two minutes into the future, unless caveats happen, Next (2007)! Can't say we didn't enjoy this one on some level. In any case it stars Nicholas Cage, Julianne Moore, Jessica Biel, Thomas Kretschmann, Tory Kittles, and Peter Falk.

For the second six-month-delay Patreon Podcast (Patreon.com/DTLPodcast to listen when they happen), we watched 2009's incredibly moronic take on a classic anime from our childhoods. That's right, we watched Dragonball Evolution! Somehow somewhere, some executive totally bought the pitch for "Dragonball, but a little more realistic," which really just made it so much harder to watch. I swear, the Super Mario Bros. movie is a better adaptation of its source material than this pile of garbage. It "stars" Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, James Marsters, Jamie Chung, Chow Yun-fat, Joon Park, and Eriko Tamura.

For the nineteenth and actually final episode of season 4, we reviewed all the movies we watched this season from most to least tolerable. So Join David, Ian, and Dylan as they look back on the last eighteen weeks..., I was going to say "fondly", but that honestly feels like a bit of a stretch. In any case, they look back.

For the eighteenth and final episode of season 4, we watched 1994's statistically improbable film variation of one of the most recognizable video game franchises of all time. That's right, we watched Street Fighter! Never before has a movie elicited such conflicting emotions one after the other in such quick succession. Mostly joy and dread. Would I recommend you watch it? That's not my job here. I just type these little anecdotes. In any case, it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raúl Juliá, along with supporting performances by Byron Mann, Damian Chapa, Kylie Minogue, Ming-Na Wen, and Wes Studi.

For the seventeenth episode of season 4, we watched 1997's worst-possible idea for a first-ever video game movie sequel in the history of cinema (and the only one, by proxy). That's right, we watched Mortal Kombat: Annihilation! To call this movie a confusing mess would be an insult to the second Transformers film (an airplane graveyard is right out back from The Smithsonian? Really? I still just can't deal with that). In any case, it stars Robin Shou, Talisa Soto, Brian Thompson, Sandra Hess, Irina Pantaeva and James Remar.

For the sixteenth episode of season 4, we watched the 2015 second attempt at a franchise-level hit based on a game about hatchet-murdering people whilst dressed like a clown (Or am I doing it wrong). That's right, we watched Hitman: Agent 47! Well, at least it's better than the first attempt. Starring Rupert Friend, Hannah Ware, Zachary Quinto, Ciarán Hinds, Thomas Kretschmann and Angelababy. Angelababy's only in that list cause she has a silly name. She really only has a bit part in the movie.

For the fifteenth episode of season 4, we watched 1995's helluva unique first commercially successful video game adaptation. That's right, we watched Mortal Kombat! Who knew, the one based on the game where you rip out spines was successful at the box office. I suppose you could also blame it for making studios think it was viable to keep making these things. Anyway, it stars Robin Shou, Linden Ashby, Bridgette Wilson, and Christopher Lambert.

For the fourteenth episode of season 4, we watched 2003's critically-reviewed-better-than-the-original-but-bombed-like-super-hard sequel to that last Tomb Raider movie. That's right, we watched "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life", cause why not add a third title to the movie? I know that's what everyone was really missing. It stars Angelina Jolie as the titular "Tomb Raider" for the second time and features Gerard Butler, Ciarán Hinds, Chris Barrie, Noah Taylor, Til Schweiger, Djimon Hounsou, and Simon Yam in supporting roles.

For the thirteenth episode of season 4, we watched the 2001 old-college-try at the Tomb Raider franchise. That's right, we watched "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider", cause just "Tomb Raider" would have been too confusing for people. "Who is this so-called tomb raider?" they would ask. Dodged a bullet there. In any case, it stars Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Daniel Craig, Iain Glen, Noah Taylor, and Chris Barrie.