The Darkest Timeline Podcast

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the first of our Horror Sequels in Space! series, where they review 1992's last word in the evil tribbles horror franchise "Critters". Yes, Critters 4, the one that takes place in space. You'll find that being the theme for the next few weeks. The film stars Don Keith Opper, Terrence Mann, Angela Bassett and Brad Dourif in situations where being able to convincingly act like you're terrified is a tremendous boon to your work. I'm not going to lie to you and say that everyone in this movie actively partook in this boon. There's probably a better way to say all of that. This description is getting a little out of hand. That said, so is the censoring in this podcast.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the fifth Patrons' Choice podcast from March 2017, where they review the red-headed step-child of the Christopher Reeves Superman franchise. No, not Superman III. No not Superman IV (we already did that). It is none other than 1984's "Supergirl" starring Helen Slater as Supergirl, along with Faye Dunaway, Mia Farrow and Peter O'Toole.I'm not going to lie, this movie doesn't make much sense in the established Superman film canon of the time, and to be perfectly honest, it doesn't really make much sense judged by the logic of the film itself. Look at me, insinuating this film has logic.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the eighth episode of season 5, where they review a western that could have done without a framing device of any kind, or most of the weird magic stuff that may or may not have even happened (they're really nonspecific about that kind of thing). That's right, we watched "The Lone Ranger" (2015), which stars Armie Hammer and Johnny Depp, with William Fichtner, Barry Pepper, Ruth Wilson, James Badge Dale, Tom Wilkinson and Helena Bonham Carter in supporting roles. Now there's a cast list that Tim Burton wouldn't mind.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the seventh episode of season 5, where they review a film that none of them actually understood the deeper character plots of because they'd only ever seen one or two episodes of the show it was based on. That's right, they watched "Entourage" (2015), which stars Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon, Jerry Ferrara and Jeremy Piven. Also, there are a ton of celebrity cameos. I'm not going to say that this movie shouldn't have been made, all the critics already said that, so it's a bit of a moot point.

Join Ian, Dylan, and Brett for the fourth episode of season 5 that should have aired nearly a month ago, but we had to put  it on hold to wait for Brett to get back from Chicago since he had dibs on it, yes, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), which stars Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu as the titular Ecks and Sever. It usually takes a lot to get critics to agree, but this film sports a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I guess it really only takes about 91 minutes, assuming they stayed for the credits. But yeah, this film just shouldn't have been a thing.

Join Ian, Dylan, and John for the fourth Patron's Choice podcast that originally aired on Patreon 6 months ago, a film that dared to ask, "Can we make people wish arcades never existed?" Pixels! Yeah, the Adam Sandler vehicle that you barely even remember coming out. How we felt about this movie may surprise you. But it wasn't just Adam Sandler in this mess of 3D cubic pixel art! It also stars Kevin James, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage, Michelle Monaghan, Brian Cox, Ashley Benson, and Jane Krakowski. I feel like I can't even say anything here since we recorded this six months ago, so I don't even remember what we covered. Don't want to go and repeat myself without knowing it, do I?

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the sixth episode of season 5, where they review a film that was pulled straight out of the 1980's and shoved down our throats with much violence: The Expendables 3! And here's a list for you: the ensemble cast features Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford and Arnold Schwarzenegger. For real; wow.I won't say it's a perfect movie, but I am going to say that it probably didn't deserve the rating that it got. There were some really good performances in this film, but I won't say anything more since that would just ruin the podcast for everyone.

Join David, Ian, and Dylan for the fifth episode of season 3, where they reviewed the film that asked the question; Can action movies be boring too? And found the answer was "Yes". 1995's Assassins! It stars Sylvester Stalone, Antonio Banderas, and Julianne Moore. And let me tell you, two out of the three of them were passable in the film. You'll have to listen to the podcast to figure out who. Or you could watch the movie, but I don't recommend that course of action. It's not a thing for the faint of heart. Wait, I had that wrong. This is the perfect movie for the faint of heart. That's just how boring it is. Have fun.Meanwhile, what happened to episode four? Well, it's coming out in a few weeks. Our recording schedule was a touch atypical.

Join Ian, Dylan, and John for the third Patreon Choice podcast that aired on Patreon in January 2017, for this episode they reviewed that most tubular of ass-kicking slug-fests... Surf Ninjas (1993). I may have played that up a little bit much for what it actually is. But yes, Surf Ninjas, which was... well I can't actually remember how it was since we watched it six months ago, but I'm sure it was great. That's why we pick these right? Cause they're great? No? Too bad. Anyway, it stars Ernie Reyes, Jr., Rob Schneider, Nicolas Cowan and Leslie Nielsen. Yeah. I know.Fun fact (depends on the definition of "fun"); some of the movies plot elements were co-opted from a Disney show from the late 80's called "Sidekicks". For instance, the fictionalized island nation of Patusan, that the main character is the last in line of something or other and left Patusan as a child, the MC lives in Los Angeles now, and the MC is Ernie Reyes Jr.Not really sure how something like that isn't actually mentioned in the Wikipedia pages for either of them. Although it is mentioned in Patusans' page. Whatever, I don't even care anymore.

Join Ian, Dylan, and special guest (their Dad) John as they look into the eyes of 2013 far more faithful adaptation of the G.I. Joe Franchise than its 2009 predecessor and refuse to blink. That's right, we reviewed G.I. Joe: Retaliation! I like to call this kind of movie an "apology sequel". It's the movie that happens when the previous film isn't good but still somehow makes enough to warrant a sequel, but they try to make it better because Hell froze over and executive actually paid attention to critiques of the original. Thus: no super suits. You know, the treatment the second Michael Bay Ninja Turtles movie should have had, but didn't. In any case, Retaliation stars Dwayne Johnson, D. J. Cotrona, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Stevenson, and Bruce Willis, Byung-hun Lee, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo, and Channing Tatum. That's a lot of people.