The Devil's Advocates Show

Planned Parenthood provides a number of services to people, often lower income individuals in need of basic health care or guidance to help keep from making their lives worse than they already are. Services such as cancer screenings, STD testing, guidance and advice on options regarding reproduction and parenthood are most of what Planned Parenthood provides. Also, around 10% of the time, they provide abortions. Government funding for planned parenthood only covers the non-abortion services, so tax dollars do not go towards abortion. However, that's not enough for religious zealots and general simpletons. Paul Ryan and many of his conservative like-minded imbeciles want all funding to go away for Planned Parenthood, because babies. I think that's fair, so long as they personally have to financially supplement all food and clothing necessary for a child that the parents can't afford. Fair?

Some dude went to the Fort Lauderdale, FL airport and started shooting people. We don't know why yet. We'll probably never know why, because by the time they figure it out the news cycles will have moved on to the next mass shooting. My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty...

Blind people need service dogs. No question. However, other people have decided they need therapy pets for emotional support. They want these pets to be able to go on planes with them in the cabin. Actual therapy dogs are trained to behave as such, but people figured out that if you buy a $40 dog vest you can pass them off as service animals. Airlines are confused and afraid to turn anyone down because the imminent lawsuit would paint them as heartless corporate masters. Sometimes that's exactly what we need. Only heartless corporations have the power to stop nonsense like this. "They'll hate you for it, but that's the point. Corporations can make the choices other people can't. Corporations aren't the hero we deserve, but they're the one we need right now."

Virtual reality is one of those ideas that's been around for decades and thought to be the future of humanity, like self-driving cars or equality. With the commercial production of VR hardware like Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, Samsung Gear, and Google Cardboard, we've been given hope that virtual reality might actually be a thing we get to experience in this lifetime. In the early 90s virtual reality was portrayed as a goofy experience with a cumbersome headset and odd hand motions, at least in that one Aerosmith video. Interestingly enough, that's exactly how it ended up being now that we have working versions of it. Nothing makes you look dumber than trying to grab a virtual boob with complete concentration, but with the way things have been going, living in virtual reality probably beats waiting to see what 2017 has in store.

One of the largest draws of virtual reality is VR porn. In an effort to help mankind, we have acquired an Oculus Rift and tweaked a PC to meet the ridiculous requirements to run it. Over the next few months, or forever if our girlfriends leave us, we'll be trying out some VR Porn to see how good it is, what can be improved upon, and how difficult it is to catch your gism in a paper towel when you can't see. I wonder if subscriptions to Badoink and VRporn count as tax write offs for the show's parent company...

One pornographic source that never fails to disappoint is Ariana Grande. She dresses in extremely provocative outfits, sings about wanting to bang hot guys, and has an eternal look of being a teenager. You might think someone like this wouldn't be surprised when someone refers to them as being "sexy as hell" and being jealous when someone is "hitting that." You might even think she might be flattered, since that's mostly what she's putting out there for humanity to judge her on. You'd be WRONG- ARIANA GRANDE IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT TO BE OBJECTIFIED. Now, watch this music video of her humping an exercise bike and think wholesome thoughts.

Happy new year is a strange thing to wish someone. It's kind of an obligation- now they have to try and have a happy new year, unless you mean it simply as that you wish they would have a happy new year. Either way, it's not entirely in their control, and speaking honestly, the odds of most of us having a happy new year are pretty low unless your name is on a lot of gaudy hotels and you're about to take an oath. So, assuming 2017 has misery in store for most of us, gather 'round and spend your final days of 2016 in misery with us. It's our default state of mind anyway.

Merry Christmas, you little jerks. It's that time of the year where Christians celebrate the birth of their role model for good behavior while screaming at each other over mall parking spaces. On that note, we present a very Merry Christmas episode of The Devil's Advocates where we hate Christmas things and share our favorite miserable holiday memories. Grab the eggnog and the booze, and get ready to smell Santa's whiskey breath. It's the holiday season with the Devil's Advocates.

If you've seen the movie Idiocracy, you know that eventually we're doomed to be a planet full of morons drinking gatorade as Earth's last breath quietly whimpers its way out. Unfortunately, it looks like we may have warp-zoned past about 500 years of decline to arrive at that point now. The Cabinet positions under president Trump are being filled with wrestling and fast food icons, which seemed to also be what happened in the movie Idiocracy. It won't be long now: "Welcome to Costco. I love you."

You know what sucks? Getting old and living in a nursing home. We bring down the holiday cheer a notch this week by telling one of the saddest stories ever. I know, you want to laugh at our podcast, not cry. Well, we do an episode a week without fail and we don't get paid. They can't all be winners now, can they?

Can't stop the feeling by Justin Timberlake is my go-to happy song. I turn into a complete fairy when it comes on the radio and I will immediate dance and sing. Watch us turn this into a celebration of one angry Trump supporter's rant at a craft store about being treated poorly. Spoiler alert - this woman is an absolute, uh, it rhymes with hunt. You will hear that word a lot in this episode, so gather the kids around the radio.

Hatchimal is a word you probably know by now if you're a parent of small children. It's the toy you have to buy this holiday season to prove your love to your kids, and it can't be found anywhere because once parents get a clue that they might be able to buy their kids' love, nothing can stop them. No parent wants to see a look of disappointment on their kids' faces come Christmas morning, so if a hatchimal can fix that, it must be done! Personally I think a little disappointment at Christmastime can be a great developmental tool for young kids, but what do I know, I'm not allowed near school zones anymore. But with this hatchimal shipment coming in, I won't have to.

Many young students entering college gain the freshman 15. Some people like to make fun of this; I openly welcome it because it puts girls 15 pounds closer to my league. However, there's now a freshman 15 for adults, and it's called the Trump 10. People who are so stressed out and tired from the election cycle and Trump's election in particular are eating their way into a food coma to ease the stress level. I say eat on; no one wants to live the years past 70 anyway.

Nothing's better than when a newscaster has a meltdown on the air. In this day and age, with trigger words gaining more power to rattle the already off-kilter emotions of the type of people who want to be in front of a camera, we should get to see more of this. This week there was a great meltdown on CNN caused by none other than the "n-word." Maybe if the newscasters makes it hers and owns the word, like black people did, it won't bother her anymore. It might bother a few other people though.

Starbucks is a very progressive company. They take coffee and make it into delicious treats, and charge you double for the privilege. They also ram their progressively thoughtful opinion down your throat harder than a dick in Aurora Snow's mouth, so that you feel like a good person just buying something there. None of this is really relevant to what happened at a Starbucks this past week when an angry white Trump voter got into an altercation with a barista, other than perhaps the Trump voter assumed his kind (angry white men) were hated by the tastefully diverse staff of Starbucks. How the fight started, we don't exactly know, but if this man represents a typical Trump voter, judging by his position on the day in question, we're in for a very humble and thoughtful 4 years.

As this shitshow soldiers on with mini episodes in between the main ones, Ben is toying with the idea of a new guest host. You can imagine how difficult it can be to find someone who will tolerate him on a weekly basis, so the host that he comes up with is definitely uniquely qualified to put up with his crap. Who is this person, you might ask? Listen and find out, you lazy jerk. Pretend like you care for Ben's sake, he loves you so much in the way that an insecure and broken individual needs to be able to please people to feel wanted. Listen and make his heart sing, like an April breeze. Wait, what? I'm drunk, I'm going home.

Do I really need to type out a description for this episode? Is there even anything else worth talking about? Donald Trump, the reality TV, sexual aggressor, blowhard, fake tan connoisseur and occasional evil villain and business person, is going to be the next president of the United States of America. There's no point in me explaining this episode. Just listen.

Louis CK is much funnier than anyone on this show, so rather than pontificate about the election and the likely results you know by now, let's listen to what Louis CK has to say. It'll be the most laughter you've had from this show in a while.

Whether Trump wins or loses the election, you can expect to see porn parodies about him. You can expect this because it already exists, and we have some fun listening to the godlike Evan Stone make fart noises in the ass of someone pretending to Malia Obama. If you're looking for the rock bottom of podcasts, welcome home.