The Devil's Advocates Show

Incest is more than just an excuse for V.C. Andrews to write a novel; incest is also a category on most porn sites. In both cases the success lies in the fact that it’s so taboo it interests people in their dark little core, because that never happens in real life. Except for when it does, like this week’s story about a mother who gave up her son for adoption when she was sixteen. Eighteen years and eight more kids later, she found her son on Facebook and reunited with him. And his wiener. It’s a story of love, sex, regret, sex, passion, and a lot of genetic destruction. You don’t have to like your family, but you have to love them.

Should these beacons of incest forget to use protection, the resulting creature will look and function a lot like a slightly evolved log of poo. Which is exactly what we discuss this week in Josh’s ongoing battles with his digestive tract. He recalls a story of someone he knew who suffered such constipation that they eventually vomited up their own feces. I can’t understand why my parents aren’t proud of this show.

Suicide Squad is the latest DC comics and Warner Brothers movie to get critically panned as a mess trying to accomplish way too much while accomplishing nothing. WB gets their hooks into the movie looking for immediate profit on a DC universe scale, altering David Ayers' original ideas, while DC has their say, and ultimately you end up with a bunch of bad ideas mushed together to make a super bad idea. Jared Leto as the Joker, a bunch of villains no one's ever heard of, an ensemble cast before any of their characters have been introduced... suicide squad should probably refer to the producers. The movie will make a ton of money because everyone loves Harley Quinn, and more so when it's mostly just Margot Robbie's ass in the center of the shot for half of the movie. It may not be a great movie, but a broken clock is right twice a day.

Suicide squad as a solution to criminals might not be a bad idea given the latest police shooting involving an unarmed black guy. In one of the most damning videos yet, cops are seen wildly shooting at the perp's car getting closer to killing each other than the criminal. Multiple camera angles are provided from body cameras, dash cams, and everyone is finally held accountable... except the guy who actually did the shooting. Apparently his body camera wasn't working at that moment when he shot the guy. What are the odds of that happening? About 100% if you're paying attention.

Hillary Clinton has been building toward the Democratic nomination for president ever since a chubby intern put Bill Clinton's presidential prick in her mouth back in the 90s. She is a smart and ambitious woman, and once Bill was caught shoving cigars in beret-wearing girls' twats, she seized the opportunity. The conversation probably went something like... hey Bill, I can stick by you and help save your presidency at the cost of my own dignity, and in return you'll help me for the next two decades ascending the political landscape until I get to be president. Or, I can leave you and help destroy your legacy. Hillary Clinton was probably angrier than that, but you get the idea. I think we all know what Bill chose. However, the first female president isn't nearly as exciting as the prospect of letting Bill Clinton run amok in the White House once more, chasing interns and having panty raids, but this time there's no threat of impeachment. The antics that could come of this are far better than breaking any glass ceiling. Donald Trump is a reality star running for president, but Bill Clinton is the reality star we all want to see running around as the spouse to the president.

The hosts of the Devil's Advocates may be white male cis scum, but one of them is still very oppressed. Ben discusses the group of people he belongs to that has been held down for far too long, at the mercy of all the normies who never take into consideration the logistics of the difficult lives led by America's red-headed stepchildren: left-handed people. Scissors, power tools, spiral notebooks... we live in a constant hell that no one cares to do anything about. Well, rise up, lefties, because today starts the southpaw revolution. No longer will we be relegated to awkward right-handed school desks that make note-taking impossible. We're here, we're weird, get used to it. We're smarter and die sooner. We're more creative but less agreeable. Respect us. We are legion. But we won't do much about all this, since weapons are hard to hold.

Crazy bitches are a part of life. Women are smart, caring, creative, and dedicated- every bit as much as men, if not more so. However, women are, on occasion, more based in emotional responses than men. This is a good thing- they feel empathy and react better than men… but sometimes this can be a minor problem when the emotion being felt is anger, which leads to hatred, which leads to action, which leads to suffering. Just like Yoda said, probably. When a woman is scorned, she won’t hurt you in ways you can anticipate, or that are legal after the Geneva Convention. She will get in your head, and the heads of those you love, and destroy your sense of self from the inside out, and you will be powerless to stop it, because attractive women are invincible. Like Seinfeld said, they’re like Godzilla. And, like George said, we’re hundreds of fleeing Japanese. We cover the story of an ex girlfriend who plots a delightful plan to get her ex boyfriend’s current wife raped by lots of strangers using the beacon power of craigslist to attract scum and villainy. She was arrested, got out on bail for $100,000 and then – went right back to her plan. She’s now locked up on $1 million bail. Personally, I don’t think that’s enough – if it can’t stop Godzilla, it can’t stop an attractive woman.

This week’s terrorist attack occurred in Munich, Germany. These officially occur on a weekly basis now. It’s almost not worth covering at this point, except that in this attack, it looks like it might not actually be related to radical Islamic ideals. The jury is still out, but it looks like this person was just obsessed with mass killings and planned this out for some time. The good thing is that this is happening outside of the USA now, so the rest of the world will slowly have to stop telling America how they’re doing everything wrong. Enjoy going it alone, Britain. You’re an inspiration to a global, harmonious society.

Enough about the problems of the real world. Let’s get back to crazy bitches. Jenny McCarthy is famous for having really good fake tits and being obnoxious. Tara Reid is famous for pushing the envelope on what still counts as “famous.” And for being drunk 24/7. Tara was on Jenny McCarthy’s radio show, which I had no clue existed, to promote Sharknado 4. Jenny asked her some questions about her life and career choices, and Tara was angry that Jenny didn’t stick to taking about the craft of acting for such a demanding project like Sharknado 4. The conversation eventually breaks down, and you can see what attractive women really think of people as they let the hate flow. Spoiler alert – crazy bitches hate everyone, most of all other crazy bitches.

Mike Pence is the man Donald Trump has thrust upon his selection rod for the spot of vice president. Mike Pence is defined by many characteristics; a hatred of gays, fundamentalist religious views, and looking like a reanimated corpse. The most important thing he’ll probably be known for now though is being penetrated by Trump in the new logo for the Trump Pence campaign. Everything about this presidential election seems to get more surreal with each development, and choosing Mike Pence as a running mate while emblazoning him with phallus-penetrating logo continues to push the envelope.

Normally, the news of Mike Pence as Donald Trump’s running mate with the absurd logo choice would get top billing in the Google search trends, but the world is spiraling out of control and nothing shocks us at this point. The latest terror attack in Nice, France has us witnessing a man mowing down pedestrians with a delivery truck. For once guns aren’t at the center of the controversy, so we can avoid that argument for a few news cycles, but a much tougher question becomes more apparent in its placed: how exactly can we stop terrorism? The French Prime Minister suggests that we probably can’t, and that we must just live with it. It sounds terrible, but unless you’ve got any bright ideas, he may be right. I haven’t bothered to look up what the terrorist’s religion was, but I’m sure it’s just as likely that he was Jewish or Buddhist or atheist as much as he was Muslim, so I wouldn’t expect that he’s- oh, I just looked it up. Never mind.

Most of us have a hard enough time getting laid in our active years, but old folks at nursing homes can’t seem to settle down and just enjoy some knitting. In an article from the NY Times, we learn that these frisky dementia patients are looking to be loved, and loved physically. Apparently nursing homes these days would make college dorms feel like amateurs as these 80 year old Caligula devotees are having multiple partners on top of grieving the frequent deaths of their bed chamber visitors. They say getting old sucks, but without your dentures in, sucking still has some life left in your final years.

Pokemon Go is the latest game in the Pokemon franchise, at least I think it is. It’s hard to tell because these games are constantly being created, and frankly I’m not sure if there’s anything different about any of them. As I understand it, you collect little monsters, train them to fight, and then actually let them fight. I’m not quite sure how you win, but I think it has something to do with realizing you’re an overgrown child, admitting you have a problem, and seeking help to stop playing games designed for Asian children. I wouldn’t count on that anytime soon however, because Pokemon Go is a massive hit so far. It’s the first mobile app game for Pokemon and Nintendo, and apparently this planet is so full of nostalgic millennials trying to recapture the youth they haven’t even lost yet that Nintendo’s stock price went up 10% because of this one game. So what’s so great about this game? Well, you collect little monsters, but in the real world. They could be anywhere- outside your local library, in a dewy meadow, under John Wayne Gacy’s crawlspace – and you must find and collect them! Then, you bring them to a virtual gym also located in the real world. It may or may not be near an actual gym. Then, you let your collected monsters fight other people’s collected monsters, and the victor receives the spoils of knowing they’ve wasted a perfectly good day doing this. Pokemon Go appears to be a dirty trick to get kids out of the house for a while, which I’m sure parents will love. It’s probably just a coincidence that there’s a lot more windowless vans driving around the neighborhood than there were last week.

Pokemon Go isn’t the only technologically impressive thing to happen this week. In more lighthearted news, the race war has started after some more black people were killed by cops during seemingly nonviolent traffic stops, which led to an impressive retaliation of snipers gunning for cops. The technological accomplishment I’m referring to is the robot sent to neutralize the sniper with a bomb. Points to the cops for creativity and thinking on their feet, or I guess their treads. It almost makes you wonder if maybe we could send a robot to the vehicle once it’s pulled over to avoid any life-threatening violence, since apparently we have robots that can be sent to do things. Eh, that’s enough thinking for one day. Next thing you know we’ll be discussing the citizenship of Johnny 5, or in this case Johnny 5-0. Perhaps if the police victims had asked nicely to “no disassemble!” this could’ve all been avoided.

One of our favorite shows from last year, Dating Naked, has returned, and it’s full of all the deep, thought-provoking existential conversation you’ve come to expect. This week we review a clip from the show where one contestant is given a snorkel and a fin to be a mermaid in the water on her date. As it so happens, being a mermaid was always on this girl’s bucket list, so dreams really do come true when you’re a hot naked chick brimming with ambition and idiocy. We should all be so lucky.

Miss Teen USA is one of America’s finest creations. Realizing that ogling women while making them perform is a delightful activity, we as Americans do not rest on our laurels. How can we improve upon the Miss USA pageant? At some point a group of registered sex offenders got together and decided that girls really hit their prime at about 17 years old, but “society” deems it illegal to view porn with girls of that age. Unless of course it can get decent ratings on NBC, in which case it’s fine so long as the areolas are covered. However, outrage has been growing of late regarding the exploitation of women, so the Miss Teen USA pageant has decided to get rid of the swimsuit competition and instead will have athletic wear. Nice try, Miss Teen USA, but I assure you that a good HD picture source and some decent contrast photo filters will make athletic wear every bit as effective as the swimsuit competition when it comes to perverts getting their jollies. Or so I’ve been told.

Miss Teen USA isn’t the only thing trending towards being youthful and titillating. A new study shows that women who clean up their pubic hair are now in the majority. Even better, the largest part of that group is the subset that has opted to have completely shaven vaginas. This is wonderful news; I’d say in terms of historic days for America this ranks just below marriage equality, but probably higher than the right for women to vote. Finally we as a society can acknowledge, “I can’t be 12 years old again- but I can pretend.” Everyone’s better off with a shorn crotch; giving oral for both men and women is pleasing and enjoyable for all parties when you’re not worried about spending 3 hours trying to remove a hair from the Bermuda triangle part of your tongue.

Traveling abroad is always full of complications and unexpected problems, but in no way should your opinions be formed by your experience. If there’s a group of 10 Saudi Arabians in front of you at the bag check, with some of the bags making ticking sounds, it’s wrong of you to assume there’s a problem and you might be stuck behind them in line for a while. If it does end up happening, that’s merely a happenstance. You didn’t miss your flight because of the random security screening; you missed it because god is punishing you for your bigotry. Ben tells a tale from his recent travels that exemplifies everything that’s wrong with humankind. You’ll be wishing for your next flight to get hijacked into a building by the end of this story. Hopefully with this podcast’s hosts aboard.

Brexit is the hashtag-friendly term that the Internet ran with when a complicated subject like Britain leaving the European Union needed a simple word to be referenced by social media power users, such as your 13 year-old nephew. Brexit has been talked about for months, resulting in a voter referendum to determine whether the United Kingdom should leave the European Union. No one expected it to pass; it was mostly a political move to get the conservative party to go along with staying as a meet in the middle tactic. However, give the people the power to choose things without knowing anything, and you’ll live to regret it. The United Kingdom will now be leaving the EU, and most intelligent people agree that it’s a bad idea that will result in financial instability and a more divided country and world. Sound familiar, US citizens? Let’s make America great again.

There’s plenty more horrible things going on in the world besides Brexit, so let’s not put all our pounds in one country. American is unleashing two very bad sequels to famous movies. First on the list is Independence Day: Resurgence, which finds our heroes from the original Independence Day defending against a much larger, scarier, more ridiculous invasion. By most tomato-loving reviewers it’s an unworthy sequel, filled with ridiculous explosions and technology and cheesy lines and multiple sub-plots that try to cater to a lot of different movie-goers. In other words, it’s been engineered to be successful. Perhaps a few notes could be taken by the creators of the new Ghostbusters movie, which looks to be engineered for failure. Weird-looking special effects, trailers without anything funny, and a new theme song that ramps up the douche chills to 11. Good luck recovering from this Fall Out Boy; at least Missy Elliot has street cred and black people will never see this movie so they’ll never know she participated in this failed experiment.

Do you want to lose weight and be skinny, but continue eating delicious treats like the new Burger King Mac and Cheetos? Well, you’re in luck! America, the country that brought you the stomach stapler, has upped the game once more. The FDA just approved a new weight loss device that lets you eat whatever you want, and a valve in your stomach can be opened to drain it out so you don’t digest any of the food. Next time you order Dominos, get an extra cheesy bread in celebration of modern science. Narcissism never tasted so good, and cost so much.

Orlando is having a bad month. Firstly, there’s been a spotlight on a rape that happened, which was particularly distasteful, by a young man with the appropriate porn-sounding name of Brock Turner. His parents wrote some particularly stupid and questionable letters to the judge trying to get leniency. His mother seemed quite out of touch with reality in hers, but you know what they say: no one loves you like your mother. Or your rapist. Orlando continued its nightmare month with a record-breaking mass shooting in a gay nightclub by a very angry, very stupid, and probably gay young man who couldn’t resolve his own sexuality with his loving peaceful religion, Islam. The gun argument is back in the mainstream, and this week we take a stab at it. Because we’re sure not gonna take a shot at it. Perhaps most perplexing of all in Orlando lately though is the little boy who got eaten by a crocodile at the Grand Floridian in Disney World. Lots of questions are being asked, such as why he was playing in the water at all, or where were his parents, or why the hell are there murderous dinosaurs roaming around Disney World, but a third tragedy in Orlando in the same month seems like enough. When it comes to Orlando, generally speaking, if you didn’t have to buy a ticket or pass a height test to get into an area, don’t go in it.

Breasts are always a popular topic, but on this episode they are the star. First there’s a video of some loser shaming a woman for breastfeeding her child in public at a Target. The gentleman in question is clearly a lonely, angry loser who hasn’t seen enough breasts in his life and can’t keep himself together when confronted with them. Yet another person who can’t handle breasts is a faculty member in a Montana school who sent home a girl for not wearing a bra. Underage girls responded by creating a no brad day. It’s a loss for that guy, but a win for the rest of us. Sit down Chris Hansen. And if that’s not enough breasts for you, we learn of yet another repressed childhood memory that, while very sad for the person telling the story, is hilarious for everyone else. We simply call this story “Jigglers.” Enjoy laughing at someone’s pain.

Blair Williams is a contestant on Sex Factor, the reality show about young people rebelling against their parents by competing in a competition for a million dollar porn contract. We are three episodes in, and several contestants have either eliminated been eliminated or arrested on unrelated sexual assault charges, probably. One contestant was even offered a contract from another company, so this is clearly a reality show that finally delivers for the talented. Say what you will about porn, but it’s an industry that rewards talent and hard work… and the ability to swallow cum. I guess that’s a talent. Blair Williams, one of the contestants still in the competition, is the Devil’s Advocates favorite. She’s 21 years old, a Catholic school teacher, curvaceous in the best of ways, has an attitude that shines like her cum-covered smile, and has shown through her actions that she is willing to go the distance. Jerry- she blows with love. As we watch the competition heat up, we see that many of the men are unable to get hard, while some of the women don’t know how to fake the act. The percentage of men who couldn’t get hard for their scenes was oddly reassuring; even attractive men who get hot women aren’t capable of performing the way they lead you to think. If anything, ugly men might be more capable for some reason, as evidenced by The Colonel, who is ugly as sin and also the dark horse who might just win the damn thing, as he has performed consistently. However, there is no question that the lovely, charming Blair Williams is the hero Gotham deserves. If cum could cure disease, Blair Williams would be immortal.

When ladies give birth to their young babies, they also give birth to a bunch of gross garbage afterwards called the afterbirth. If you thought a crowning baby head was gross, you should see what giving birth to your own innards looks like. Part of this gooey mess is the placenta, and women shopping at Whole Foods started thinking it would be a good idea to eat it. I mean, it’s full of nutrients! It’s how the animal kingdom does things, so why not humans? Well, The animal kingdom also eats their sickly young, so unless we start considering Down’s Syndrome a delicacy, I think the placenta is something we can skip as an item in the buffet line. However, being able to do whatever you want with your own placenta does seem reasonable; it’s yours, you grew it yourself. If you want a placenta smoothie, I say have at it! Maybe keep some Tic Tacs handy.

Ariana Grande has found massive amounts of success by packing a powerhouse singing voice into the body of a tiny little girl who is crazy attractive and 21 years old, but looks 12. It’s a powerful combo when you can entice children and pedophiles alike. I’m not sure if that’s irony. She has a new album out, and it’s already churning out catchy hits, the latest being Into You. It’s about cheating on your boyfriend with a more fun and attractive man and not giving a hoot about the consequences. Some people might think it’s sending a bad message, but what would you expect from a 12 year old? Oh right, she’s 21. Suddenly this music video is less fun to watch.