The Devil's Advocates Show

Madonna likes to do shocking things. Sadly, when you do enough things that you think are shocking, they stop being shocking are start being pathetic. Madonna is just about 60 years old, and was at an Amy Schumer show. She offered blowjobs to anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton, thinking this would be an exciting offer. No one has ever had the heart to tell Madonna that nothing about her has been attractive for 15 years. Ignorance is bliss. She may as well be Sugar Granny offering blowjobs. Hmm, I wonder if Sugar Granny will show up on this episode...

Did you see the final presidential debate? Of course you did, or at least you surmised the basics from SNL skits. Well, we're just the latest crappy source of coverage, but hopefully we'll have a few jokes you haven't heard yet. Stranger things have happened.

Clowns are strange creatures in their current iteration in history. While meant to illicit laughter and merriment, they took a turn for the scary somewhere around the time the great clown Pagliacci got mad at his wife. It was touch and go after that, but after Stephen King’s IT was published and the movie was released, the clown ceased to be a source of comedy and now they just fill our nightmares. Until very recently, clowns were more of a head trip scare than a real one, but there’s an epidemic of clowns roaming the streets and terrorizing people. You might ask yourself why, but in a world where an orange walrus wearing a toupee could be our next president, clowns don’t seem that absurd.

Speaking of clowns, there was a story recently where a man was accused of rape, but his defense was pretty clever. It only cost him every last shred of his dignity. You see, the gentleman in question claims that he is far too fat and his penis is far too small for him to be able to rape anyone. According to his defense attorney’s expert, he could have at best penetrated about 2 inches. Seems to me that it’s still rape, but if it’s only 2 inches I guess it’s like, rape junior? No wait that’s something else, never mind.

Have you ever needed to get a tow truck for your car when it breaks down? Did it seem like a pretty shady industry with a lot of potential problems and dangers? Did you enjoy sitting up front with the tow truck driver, who is always a treat to be around? We have a new story this week involving a tow truck situation gone wrong, and a glimpse into the real America can be seen. I think I can guess who some of these clowns are.

Trump finally hit a level low enough to wake people up. The infamous recording from Access Hollywood has probably ended his career, and a strange chapter in our lives is hopefully coming to and end.

Speaking of which, you might notice that the length of this episode is much shorter than usual. Something else is changing, another chapter is ending. Is it the end of the novel? Or are things about to get good? Take a listen and see for yourself.

CO2 might be something you forgot about since high school science, but it stands for carbon dioxide. The more of it in our air, the worse it is for humans. While we all enjoy debates and Trump and Kardashians, CO2 levels have stopped existing in a normal range. What does this mean? That the oceans will rise, temperatures will go up, and we'll all die in 100 years or less. Probably. Allegedly. I don't know, but I don't feel like working anymore so I'm going with it.

Speaking of Trump, he is absolutely dominating the news cycle, and the stories are getting weirder and crazier. We run through the headlines and see just how crazy it can get, including one where Donald Trump supposedly admits to finding 12 year old Paris Hilton attractive. Is it true? Listen to find out, you clickbait-feeding jerkfaces.

Debate time during the presidential election cycle is basically the Superbowl for those of us who don't like sports. It also gets treated like the Superbowl, in that people talk about offense, defense, tactics, and a whole lot of uninformed opinions, because stupid America can only understand things through sports analogies and some blissful ignorance of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. By the time you read this or listen to this week's podcast episode, the debate will have already happened. So, you know more than we do right now. Was the debate fun? was it a "slobberknocker" as JR from WWE would say? Did Hillary pass out? Did Trump say a lot of words without ever meandering near an answer to a question? Good times.

Since the debate hasn't happened yet as of this writing, let's talk about what did happen. Anthony Weiner sexted with a 15 year old girl. He's being investigated. He could face prison time. This is not a man feeding his ego at the cost of his formal life; this is now a man who has an addiction or some weird core-level acceptance issues going on and wants to be liked by everyone... but mostly women. And girls, apparently.Anthony dude we've all been there, but looking at underage cleavage is like looking at the sun. You get a... oh just watch the damn clip, you know where I'm going.

We had a few quiet weeks where police did their jobs, black people stayed out of trouble, and we lived in a... well maybe not a utopia, but maybe at least a Fruitopia. Sadly, cops are up to their old tricks again and two more black people were killed by cops. Probably a lot of other races too, but you know, with the news cycle and the ratings, I don't know, it's all very complicated. So, were these warranted? It's looking iffy, but the fun fact this week is that none of the killer cops were white men this time around. That didn't stop a lot of protesters from saying that all white people are the devil, which is very hurtful to us white folks because we worked really hard to keep that on the DL.

Snowden is the new film out from Oliver Stone. It tells the story of Edward Snowden, the CIA employee and high level clearance contractor who saw what the government was up to with the NSA and decided he couldn't ignore it. The film brings back to the news cycle the discussion of Edward Snowden's future in the USA. A social media movement has been gaining some traction focusing on the hashtag Pardon Snowden. Some people view Edward Snowden as a hero whistleblower who risked his life to inform the world of evil NSA spying on pretty much everyone. Others view him as a traitor who stole government information and endangered the nation by releasing it and making us vulnerable. We have some opinions on the subject, so listen to the show and let us tell you what to think.

While Hillary recovers from pneumonia, Trump is trying to improve his behavior. Although he is failing, one mature thing he sort of did but not really was admit he was wrong about whether Obama is a rightful citizen born in the USA. He has admitted that he is, reversing his longstanding claim of the opposite. So, in case anyone gets any ideas about Trump being a capable, mature leader, we play an interview he did a few months ago with Alex Jones. You've never seen this much ass kissing by elderly men, except maybe by googling lemon party. It's insane, cringe, pathetic, and thus perfect for this show.

Have you heard of the Norwegian dark folk pop singer AURORA? Of course you haven't, but she is Ben's latest obsession, so now we all have to hear about it and pretend we care. If the hosts have to, so do you, listeners. She's like some sort of norse fairy who flew out of the woods and started singing. Like Bjork, but intelligible.

iPhone releases are kind of like birthdays - they happen every year, the people who show up for it have nothing better going on in their lives, and they inevitably leave you feeling disappointed. Last week Apple released the iPhone 7, which by all accounts is a controversial somewhat idiotic device. They've made it kind of water resistant, taken away the headphone jack, and everything else is mostly the same. Anyone who didn't realize that Apple breakthrough products like the iphone died with Steve Jobs is either an idiot, or holding a lot of Apple stock. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Has anyone ever told you marriage is like a prison? If you are married, you already know this, but did you know things can get so bad that you actually prefer real prison? We review a story of one guy who preferred to live out his days in prison rather than spend one more minute with his spouse. I guess no one told him you get spouses in prison, too... and they're equally unpleasant. A different manner of unpleasant, maybe, but... still worth noting.

Do you know who Demi Lovato is? If so, you're either a teen girl, gay, or Ben. She became co-owner of a treatment facility for mental health issues. It's a for-profit business, so it's not terribly altruistic, but Demi thinks it is. She has some very special thoughts on the subject. Let's just say the big guy upstairs has clearly made a pact with the adorable young idiot. The amazing thing about youth and beauty is that you'll never know just how stupid you are, which is sort of beautiful in its own way. But in another very real and actual way, it's despicable. Kind of like this show. Judging by this picture on the left, she's getting fashion advice from Ben2. He's in the bloodstream now.

Lyft is a company that has a very interesting business model. Their plan seems to be to do everything exactly the same as Uber, but to not be Uber. It’s not the worst plan, and for all I know Lyft was the first one to market, but that doesn’t matter once the competition wins the brand recognition battle. Anyway, Lyft is at the center of this week’s viral story about a social justice warrior who was offended by a Hawaiian hula dance bobble head on the Lyft driver’s dashboard. Her argument is really well thought out and not at all ridiculous. Listen for yourself and be glad this idiot is fighting for all of us against oppressors.

Pamela Anderson is famous for being in Playboy 15 times and blowing Tommy Lee on camera, so it’s only natural that she would write an article for the Wall Street Journal. Along with the help of Rabbi Shmuley, she wonderfully articulates how porn is for losers and is the most dangerous thimg plaguing our society today. Perhaps someone should introduce her to ISIS. I think theyd get along really well.

Burkini babes are something you won’t find anywhere except France, and even there it looks like those wearing a burkini are in trouble. The burkini, for those who are unaware, is an invention for stupid women who enjoy being oppressed by an ancient irrelevant religion so that they can still go to the beach and retain their modesty. They do have to give up their dignity though. While avoiding the beach entirely seems like an easier option, no French government is going to tell Muslim women what they can wear. Nor should they… but the attitudes of a country can skew a little left of sane after a terrorist attack. Until everything settles down, let’s all enjoy the latest issue of Muslim Sports illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I hear you can see some forearm.

Hillary Clinton is going to be our next president. The problem is, the alt right doesn’t think she’s going to make it because her health is in question. The alt right is convinced she has dementia, fatigue, cancer, brain damage, and a multitude of other ailments that seem largely absent in all her public appearances. The alt right is the group of republicans that have a penchant for conspiracy theory, and their leader is Alex Jones. Mr. Jones is out of hid goddamned mind but makes a tidy living off his lunacy doing his radio show, so more power to him. But not too much more power, the alt right seems to matter all of a sudden and that’s not good for anyone.

Some anchor on Good Morning America used the term “colored people” during a conversation, and people did not like it. It’s an antiquated term from the 50s that is considered rude and racist. This can be confusing, however, because the current term people are using that is considered in good taste is “people of color.” Seemingly the exact same phrase, how can they have such different connotations? We discuss it, and despite all odds actually come up with a cogent reason why that is. Hey, every once in a while we accidentally have an intelligent conversation. A broken clock is right twice a day.

Katy Perry is out of your league. It doesn't matter who you are, because she's a pop star who looks like a porn star but hasn't shown her tits or kitty publicly yet, which makes her a hot commodity. Only someone incredibly deranged would think Katy Perry would keep them as a secret online lover for six years. Well, deranged is the perfect word for this young man in an episode of Catfish this week. He believes absolutely and completely that he's been talking to Katy Perry online for six years and that she is in love with him. Spoiler alert: it isn't her. When he meets the person whom he was actually talking to, he still doesn't believe it. he thinks Katy Perry is punking him. So, when you walk down the street and wonder who lives in all these houses and apartments and what their lives are like, just remember that it's people like this. They should really never the house, lest they learn that reality is a harsh mistress.

Speaking of creeps and assholes that should stay home, some of the USA swimmers in the Rio Olympics should've stayed home as well. After claiming they were robbed at gunpoint, surveillance footage came out that shows that it's a bit more complex. There were guns, and money was exchanged, but there was also vandalism on their part and some tomfoolery. What really happened? Who knows, but more importantly who cares. People revere Olympic athletes, but let's not forget how athletes are born: being jock assholes in high school and beating up nerds. This should surprise no one. Is it that obvious I spent a lot of time in lockers during high school?