The Devil's Advocates Show

Harambe was, for those who don’t know, a gorilla who was shot and killed at the zoo because a kid managed to get into the gorilla exhibit and was in danger of being harmed by him. The debate that sparked from this incident has turned into a surprisingly angry and continuous one. Weeks later, people are still taking sides over whether Harambe should have been killed or not. Some say it was the right thing, others say tranquilizer darts should have been used, some think nothing should have been done at all because it’s the parent’s fault for losing sight of the kid in the first place... whatever side you’re on, one thing is certain: I have no idea how to pronounce Harambe. The hashtag Justice For Harambe was trending at one point. It shouldn’t be too long now before someone starts the hashtag Gorilla Lives Matter.

One of our favorite TV shows is coming back, My Big Fat Fabulous Life. In it, we follow the adventures of Whitney Way Thore, a 400 pound girl who just can’t seem to find luck in love, or yoga pants that fit. She also aspires to be some sort of dancer, but in the preview for the new season, it shows Whitney completely passing out and being put on a stretcher after she attempts to dance. Perhaps it’s low blood sugar, or some sort of deficiency, or part of the process of clearing out her toxins. I certainly hope it’s not her body discriminating against her big and beautiful size.

Rose McGowan is, or was, a famous actress who starred in a CW show and played a stripper with a machine gun leg in Planet Terror. Once the acting gigs start drying up, much like the vaginas of girls I ask out, you gotta do something to stay relevant. Some people do Playboy, others have complete mental breakdowns, and others turn in a surprise acting performance that reinvigorates their career… Rose McGowan has chosen to bitch about SJW things on Twitter a lot while shaving her head. It’s not the most orthodox method, but it seems to be working.

No matter how many times it happens, when a sexy young female teacher engages in naughty activities with her students, we all have a good time discussing it. Men wonder why they never had these things happen in their youth, women are disgusted that it occurs, and we all enjoy deciding just how little punishment they’ll receive based on how attractive they are. Judging by this latest story, I’d say a light slap on the wrist with a feather is sufficient.

Casey Anthony is a white trash girl who liked partying and didn’t so much like parenting. She was the center of a trial that enraptured a nation of simpletons, as she allegedly murdered her daughter because it was getting in the way of her rave schedule. She was acquitted of murder, but found guilty of lying to the court. It’s like splitting the difference, but with no regard for human life. Casey Anthony suffered from an affliction common to white trash girls, a disease called empty-bank-account-full-libido. It’s not a terribly clever name, but you know how doctors are. New court documents are alleging that in order to pay her lawyer, an escrow account located in her vagina had to be used. Now lots of people will tell you that paying for things by offering sex is morally bankrupt and shameful. Lots of people are right. Which is precisely why this rules- it is super-hot to think of a girl out of resources because of her stupidity turning to dirty behavior to save herself. Plus, unlike most girls who will flirt but not actually deliver on implied promises, Casey Anthony allegedly came through and served up a warm, wet receptacle for penile placement. Casey Anthony may or may not be guilty, but we can all agree that she’s crazy… and you know how crazy girls are when it comes to sex. Her lawyer probably still can’t walk right.

Sex Factor is a reality show that debuted on the porn supersite xhamster. It’s like The Real World, but with anal. Well, more of it at least. It’s a brilliant concept, and week two of the competition improves upon the first week with some new drama, new challenges, and a lot of really weird moments. Maybe I’m just not used to seeing so many flaccid penises outside of a concentration camp. Luckily they don’t stay flaccid for long as the show delivers lesbians and a surprisingly critical judgment of the girls’ modeling attempts. Red pills have never been as happy as when watching this scene. Week 3’s preview looks like the sex acts finally start to ramp up, so we’ll continue covering the show. It’s an easy 20 minutes down in each podcast. Everyone wins.

President Obama is the first sitting President in history to visit Hiroshima. Some Japanese citizens demanded an apology, while other American citizens demanded he not even go because it implied an apology. Both opinions are wrong and stupid, as is tradition with vocal opinions about politics. To the Japanese: what did you expect, you turned heel for no reason like a badly scripted wrestling match. And to Americans, maybe since it was the most devastating attack in the history of Earth, slaughtering thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians, maybe it’s not the worst thing if we visit the memorial and act slightly sad about what happened. These are my opinions, and based on what I said earlier, I will assume they are wrong.

Johnny Depp can have any vagina he wants. Dashing good looks, bankable A-List status and undeniable acting talent, any girl that ends up as his wife should probably be pretty pleased about it. Amber Heard, a breathtakingly beautiful actress who’s also quite talented, having been in many commercially and critically successful films, is getting divorced from Johnny Depp after 15 months of marriage. She’s also asking for alimony. What is the purpose of asking for money from your ex-husband if you don’t have any kids? Why would you need that if you’re rich and famous? Why, indeed.

Sex Factor seemed like kind of an obvious parody to make, based on the popular show X Factor. However, making an actual reality show based on the idea of contestants competing to be the next great porn star is the kind of thing that takes lots of time, resources, money, talented people, and media professionals. Or apparently some horny people and a GoPro, because famous porn site xHamster has done just that. An actual reality show, with episodes and editing and other things we thought only Mark Burnett could do, Sex Factor has released their inaugural episode, and it’s hosted by porn superstar Asa Akira. Now I know what you’re thinking: why would people compete to be a porn star? Well, they’re giving the winner a million dollars. Just remember that next time people say there’s no money in porn anymore. So long as we’re able to find new ways to infuse tits into our lives, there will be money to be made. Think about it- haven’t you watched reality shows and though, “this would be so much better if the contestants were naked”? Well, maybe not so much for Biggest Loser, but most other ones. Sex Factor answers this question, and as it turns out, reality shows are way the hell better with blowjobs and anal.

Does the healthcare industry confuse you? Does it seem unfair and unethical, like no matter what you do there’s more costs and debt piling up? You could go on Sex Factor and try to win a million dollars, but if you’re old, you’re running out the clock at this point. So when your spouse’s medication costs keep increasing, what can you do? Well, a creative gentleman thought murdering his wife was a pretty good solution. You might think it’s not that great an idea, but not only has he stopped the need for the medication, he’ll also be saving on rent and utilities for the rest of his life. Plus he’ll probably have more sex in prison than he’s had for the last 20 years combined. Who’s stupid now?

We here on The Devil’s Advocates are not exactly known for being very happy, but occasionally even we find things that cheer us up. Puppies, girls in sundresses, alcohol, Ariana Grande music videos, and this lady’s viral video of her wearing a Chewbacca mask. You’ve never loved anything as much as this woman loves her Chewie mask. Let that wash over you, because once the laughter dies down, it’s actually pretty depressing that most of us are that jaded. Luckily, there’s 153 episodes of our miserable personalities to remind you of this fact. Happy listening. Rawr.