The Dunce Caps

In Part I of Chapter 8, Rob and Chris learn about Taoism and the chaotic mess that is China. Though we don’t know much about the origins of Taoism, we do know that they eventually turned into wizards that almost certainly hate Halloween. Archaeologists are still digging for nothing, but they’re now joined by one of the most famous archaeologists of all time. When a Taoist reaches the age of 60, their family must do everything they say and give them the utmost respect. Modern Taoist wizards only care about extending their lives for as long as possible by snorting rhino dust and rubbing balls on their face.

TLDR: We love you Pop Pop! (200 years of chaos).

Rob and Chris learn about Sikhism and just how little they care about anything. Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, is unable to hold even the simplest of jobs and decides to leave his family behind to become the ultimate slacker. In his final prank, Nanak covers himself with a sheet, dies and disappears to a far away island to live out the rest of his days eating appetizer samplers on the beach. After Nanak’s “death” his followers create the Adi Granth, which is a best of compilation of all the Sikhist hymns. As the Sikhs grew in number, they started listening to heavy metal, pumping iron, and eating large amounts of meat in order to fight back against their enemies.

TLDR: Free Ranch?!

In Part II of Chapter 6, Rob and Chris learn about Mahayana Buddhism and the various sects that splinter off from it. Bodhidharma (aka crazy eyes), a local monk legend, retires to a cave and spends ten years meditating in front of a wall until his legs fall off. Zen Buddhism is all about patience and giant tires on your BMW. The leader of the Nichiren sect introduces the idea of Buddha hell as well as a version of hell that is rarely discussed, sexy hell.

TLDR: Hail Buddha, now with 50% more Buddha!

In Part I of Chapter 6, Rob and Chris learn about Buddhism and that “karma thing”. A soothsayer sexily tells Raja the 4 sights responsible for turning his son, Siddhartha, into the founder of Buddhism. After witnessing the 4 sights, Siddhartha rolls with a crew of ascetics for 6 years before becoming the Buddha. When explaining the proper conduct for a Buddhist to the Sangha, Buddha has some trouble getting them to agree on all 5 rules. After the Buddha’s death, his teachings get reinterpreted and two major factions of Buddhism emerge.

TLDR: Hail Buddha!

Rob and Chris learn about Jainism and how crazy hardXcore they are. Mahavira is not fulfilled by his R/C speed boat and firecrackers and becomes enamored with the ascetic lifestyle. Fire ants, lice and crabs all thrive in the Jainist pubic economy. Some Jains make their way to Hollywood and have short, but successful careers as stunt men. Less hardXcore Jains only fast for a day or two, unless they sneak in some crackers.

TLDR: Rot it out.

In Part II of Chapter 4, Rob and Chris learn about post-classical Hinduism and what is now modern Hinduism. The three major Hindu gods are a lot like the Soprano family from the critically acclaimed HBO television series “The Sopranos”. The Hindu female goddesses seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to defining characteristics, but that’s all about to change. Eventually the British show up to India and bring their gross puddings with them, which lead to some of the deadliest outbreaks of religious violence. British missionary William Carey exposes India to the delicious Fig Newton, but it came with a price.

TLDR: AND FOR WHAT!?!?

In Part I of Chapter 4, Rob and Chris learn about classical Hinduism and all their kooky gods. When studying Hinduism, Aryans are not the well-read propaganda hate mongers you might think they are. Once again archaeologists prove that they have no purpose in the modern world. Horse murder was so rampant amongst the Aryans that they had a horse sacrifice lifetime challenge. Things get confusingly vague when discussing Brahman, but you should get it if you’ve ever seen The Matrix.

TLDR: Sick Cows.

Rob and Chris learn about African religions and definitely don’t do Jamaican accents. The Mozambique legend of Nyambi and Kamonu explains why god left Earth and how much man loved killing animals. The Nuer of the Sudan believed the Higher God wasn’t interested in us boring humans because he’s too busy trying to cum. Some Africans would sacrifice women to appease certain gods, but they had to have a certain body type. No one knows why, but some Africans wait until a boy is 13 years old before cutting their dicks.

TLDR: Hakuna Matata!

Rob and Chris learn about the religions of Native Americans and their customs. Most Native Americans respected nature and some even became friends with rocks. In some Native American cultures women on their periods were considered to be all powerful, and thus they had to stay away from everyone else (especially their husbands). The most important items for a vision quest according to Moon Bear “the shotgun king” are an Xbox and corn products with cheese.

TLDR: Dorito Nachos.

Rob and Chris learn about the religions and customs of the most basic of basic bitches. We only know less than one half percent of human history, or at least that’s what Bush and those guys want you to believe. With no more holes to dig, archeologists look to the stars and reminisce about better times. The earliest hominids were either Neanderthals, Cavemen, Vikings, Asian hunters, Guidos, or a combination of all five. Primitive societies looked up to their Magicians, but not the cool kind.

TLDR: Basic Bitches!