Today's topic is for parents of kids of teens out there who are frustrated. They feel like they're not sure if they're doing a great job. There's a lot of conflict with their teens or even with their kids. We're going to talk today about the failing power tools of parenting. This comes from Paul David Tripp's book called Parenting, 14 Gospel Principles that can radically change your family.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

Last week we talked about how reconciliation is possible if both spouses are willing to work hard and fight for a healthy marriage. We also said that both spouses have different roles to play. 

Today we’re addressing the spouse who has discovered their spouse has cheated. Even though you may feel hopeless right now, there is a way forward. You can have a future where you trust your spouse again. Today we will talk about some key steps you need to take to be open to that hopeful future.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

If you've had an affair, it's not too late to change course and save your marriage. Incorporate these five steps to help you think clearly about the direction you should go.

• Marriage Basics (series)
• 10 Sinful Responses to Sin

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

If you found out that your spouse is having an affair, it may feel like all hope is lost but that doesn’t have to be true. Your marriage can be saved, and even strengthened, if you’re both willing to work hard and forgive.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

We all have that friend who wants to dominate our time or the friend who never initiates plans. It’s frustrating if you don’t have the right expectations and boundaries in place. Today we’re going to describe 4 common dynamics that happen in friendships and how a lack of proper boundaries can lead to hurt and frustration.

Compliant - compliant “Whatever you want”

We’ve discussed the compliant personality in other episodes. Two compliant friends likely leads to inauthentic friendship. Here’s why. Neither person is honest about their true feelings for fear of hurting the other person. So both say “yes” to plans they don’t want to do. Both end up feeling resentful of the other because they’re doing things they don’t want to do.

How do you draw a boundary in this dynamic? Speak up. Be honest when you said yes but meant no. Invite your friend to be honest, too. Make a commitment to not commit to a request for 24 hrs and make sure you really want to do something. If you decide you don’t, say no.

Compliant - Controlling (Aggressive) “My way or the highway”

This dynamic is the most obvious. You have the compliant just trying to keep the peace and the aggressive dominating and controlling. Even though the compliant is allowing the dynamic, they internally resent it. 

How do you draw a boundary? Compliant likely needs to be the one to say “enough”. The aggressive is probably clueless because they’ve grown accustomed to getting their way in every relationship. Be clear about how you feel and why it frustrates and say you won’t give into aggressives every wish moving forward. It’s a new negotiation for a different kind of friendship. The compliant needs to take responsibility for their resentment and draw the boundary. The aggressive needs to respect the boundary. 

Compliant - Controlling (Manipulative) “Help! I need you”

The manipulative controller is less obvious than the aggressive but the result is the same-it’s always their way. In this dynamic, the compliant is always rescuing or on call for the manipulative friend. The manipulator doesn’t plan ahead so they often find themselves in a bind due to their lack of planning. The compliant grows tired of being used so they create distance. 

How do you draw the boundary? Compliant needs to address it. Clearly stating how they feel used by the manipulator and that they aren’t going to be the rescuer every time. Express a desire for a give and take relationship where both serve and help the other. 

Compliant - non-responsive “I always initiate”

Compliant feels like they do all the work in the friendship. They reach out to make plans or to check in. The non-responsive never does that. Compliant feels unimportant. Non-responsive may feel overwhelmed by the compliants need for attention.

How do you draw a boundary? Both speak up. Compliant can be honest that they feel undervalued when the other never reaches out or initiates. Non-responsive may need to be honest about their ability to be the kind of friend the other needs. If expectations can’t match, stop forcing the friendship and maybe move on.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

We’re tackling a subject today that our granddads never really dealt with, our dads most likely didn’t deal with it, but it seems to be in our face and in the faces of our children on a daily basis - and that is the issue of gender. Are there two genders? Is gender just a social construct? Can I change my gender if I feel like I’m not really the gender that I was born as? These are questions that no one was even asking just a few decades ago.

The PursueGOD Men's podcast helps guys apply God's Word to their lives to become full circle followers of Jesus. Join us for a new men's episode every other Thursday.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/men.

Learn more about "full circle" Christianity through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources with men and boys at church.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at [email protected].

We look to God and his Word in all that we do. So what does God’s Word have to say about gender? 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. - His Word is useful. It corrects us when we’re wrong, and there are a lot of people who are wrong on this issue of gender.

In the beginning, God created them male and female. This was before the fall and God said it was very good. The differences between male and female should be celebrated, not diminished.

Genesis 1:27-28 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

God’s design, his perfect design, was two genders; male and female. This was his original, perfect plan. Both are created in the image of God. Both have immeasurable worth and value. They are of equal worth and dignity, but they are not the same. They complement one another. Eve is described as Adam’s help mate. The differences between male and female are good. They are for our benefit. They should be celebrated, not diminished.

God’s command to be fruitful and multiply could only be carried out because of the two distinct genders and their roles in procreation.

Genesis 1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

When God looked over the creation earlier in the creation story, it was good at the end of each day. It wasn’t until God created humankind that it was very good! The differences between male and female are part of what made it very good!

I’m so thankful women aren’t exactly like men. I can guarantee you my kids are thankful. Their mom brings strengths to our family as a result of her femininity that I don’t have. And my wife is kind of a tomboy. That’s probably a politically incorrect term nowadays. She rides motorcycles. She’d rather wear pants than a dress. She likes shooting guns. But she still brings a nurturing, a compassion, and an empathy that I lack. I know some of that is more personality related than gender, but not all of it. Studies show that, on average, women are more nurturing than men. Women are more compassionate than men. They typically have more empathy.

Genesis 6:17-21 Look! I am about to cover the earth with a flood that will destroy every living thing that breathes. Everything on earth will die. 18 But I will confirm my covenant with you. So enter the boat—you and your wife and your sons and their wives. 19 Bring a pair of every kind of animal—a male and a female—into the boat with you to keep them alive during the flood. 20 Pairs of every kind of bird, and every kind of animal, and every kind of small animal that scurries along the ground, will come to you to be kept alive.

The flood was sort of the great reset and once again, we see the importance of male and female - Noah and his sons and their wives, male and female from each kind of animal.

The reality is if you put 50 biological men or 50 biological women on an island, regardless of what they identify as, that whole population will die out in one generation. There is no way to create offspring without the two, distinct genders being present.

Our gender is determined at conception. God has a plan and purpose for our life before we take our first breath. When we trust our feelings over what God has declared to be true, we are essentially declaring that we know better than the perfect, holy God who created us.

Psalm 139:13-16 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.15You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

This is one of the most powerful passages in scripture to me. God has made me wonderfully complex. His workmanship is marvelous. If you’re struggling with gender identity, you need to know that God has created you wonderfully complex. He saw you before you were born. He has a purpose and a plan for your life.

Any attempt to alter how God created you is rebelling against his plan and usurping his authority. It is saying, “I know better than God does. He got it wrong!” That has to be one of the most arrogant, prideful stances we can take. Think of what that would look like if we did that in other areas of our life. God, I know you said don’t steal, but I’m pretty sure I feel like I deserve this thing and I can’t afford to buy it. God I know you said marriage was a lifelong commitment, but I don’t feel like my spouse loves me and I know you want me to be happy so I’m going to bail on my marriage.

Jeremiah 17:9 The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked, who really knows how bad it is?

We live in a culture that says, “Follow your heart. Do what makes you happy.” The Bible says our heart is the last thing we should be following. It is desperately wicked. It leads us astray all of the time. Your heart says you don’t feel warm and fuzzy for your spouse any more so it’s time to move on. Your heart wants to sleep with your boyfriend or girlfriend before you’re married. Your heart wants instant gratification. We have to trust in the truth of God’s Word over our own thoughts, feelings, and opinions - very definition of sin.

God not only has plans and purposes for us individually, he has distinctive roles for men and women in the church and in the home. We see different roles listed in both the OT and NT. Priests were men only. If a person would have identified as a male, would they have been qualified to be a priest? In the NT, there are different instructions to men and women.

Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman must not put on men’s clothing, and a man must not wear women’s clothing. Anyone who does this is detestable in the sight of the LORD your God.

This prohibition of altering gender is not limited to surgery or hormone blockers. Men are not to dress as women, women are not to dress as men. That doesn’t mean women can’t wear pants - It’s common in our culture for women to wear pants. Pants aren’t considered “men’s clothing” in our culture. Wouldn’t forbid a man to wear a kilt in a culture where men commonly wear kilts. It’s not women’s clothing in that culture.

Romans 1:24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. 25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. 26 That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. 27 And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. 30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy.

Love rejoices in the truth. Truth matters, and this is a topic that calls us to speak truth. We need to speak it gracefully and with compassion, but we also need to speak it unashamedly. God calls us to protect the weak and vulnerable.

1 Corinthians 13:6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

This comes from the famous “love” passage you’ve probably heard recited at a wedding ceremony. The “it” in verse 6 is love. Love rejoices in the truth. When we truly love someone, we want them to know truth. We want to speak truth.

James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Why is this so important? In that culture, orphans and widows were the most vulnerable. We have a calling to protect the weak and vulnerable. Our children are being attacked by an agenda that is trying to destroy Biblical teaching. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say this is an organized attack straight from the pit of hell. Our battles aren’t against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces, principalities, and evils of this dark world.

What’s the harm? First, the harm is it’s rebellion against God. That never ends well. There are always consequences for sin. The Bible tells us the wages of sin are death. There is also physical harm. Children who are making decisions about their bodies that are often irreversible at an age when they can’t legally drive, they can’t vote, they can’t smoke or drink alcohol and yet we’re allowing them to make these decisions.

Don’t be apathetic. Don’t be slothful like we talked about on the last episode of the podcast. Engage with your children on this issue. They’re hearing about it non-stop from culture, social media, their peers. Speak truth into their lives. Resources at pursueGod to help you.

Close

Point

Text

Comment

Every parent wants their kids to grow up to be healthy, independent adults. That doesn’t just magically happen! The work you put in during the parenting years will directly impact the health of your kids.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.

• Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your identity or that being one means you have no sense of self. You do! You should! 
• Conflict in marriage often comes when one infringes on the other’s boundaries and tries to control the spouse. Or when we make our spouse responsible for our feelings or meeting our unspoken desires.

Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)

• You can express how your spouse’s actions affect you but your angry outburst or silent punishment is your choice.
• Steady Eddie vs Roller Coaster
• You don’t need to run cover for your spouse’s moodiness or angry outbursts. They are responsible for their own actions. And, we need to loving confront our spouse when they are manipulative or toxic.
• The doormat (compliant) vs. The bulldozer (controller)

The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise. 

• The vault vs. the over-sharer
• You can’t punish your spouse for unwritten rules. 

You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.

• Go-getter vs. Video-gamer
• The people pleaser

You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.

• It’s good to have personal hobbies apart from your spouse.. It’s okay to enjoy time apart. Being one doesn’t mean you lose all sense of self.
• Introvert vs. Extrovert

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

https://www.pursuegod.org/boundaries-in-marriage/

Today we’re talking about setting boundaries with the in-laws. Most of us love our families and feel most comfortable with our own. When we visit our spouse’s family, we realize how different our upbringings were and just the way things were done. It can cause conflict in the marriage if we don’t have the right boundaries in place. 

Talk about it at https://www.pursuegod.org/boundaries/.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are well-known authors and psychologists who have written extensively about boundaries and personal growth. They have outlined ten laws of boundaries to help individuals establish and maintain healthy relationships. Here is a summary of those laws (Chapter 5 in their book):

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The Law of Sowing and Reaping states that you reap what you sow. In other words, the choices you make today will have consequences in the future. If you sow healthy boundaries today, you'll reap the benefits of those boundaries in the future. Don’t be codependent and protect people from the consequences of their choices.

• Galatians 6:7 Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. 8 Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

The Law of Responsibility states that you're responsible for your own life and well-being. This means that you're responsible for setting and maintaining your own boundaries. “Love one another, don’t be on another.” We can’t make someone else change.

Law #3: The Law of Power

The Law of Power states that you have the power to control your own life and set your own boundaries. You don't have to let others control you or dictate your choices.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

The Law of Respect states that you should respect the boundaries of others, just as you want them to respect your boundaries. This means that you should be mindful of other people's needs and feelings when setting your own boundaries.

• Matt 7:12 Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

The Law of Motivation states that your boundaries should be motivated by love, not fear or anger. When you set boundaries out of fear or anger, they're less likely to be effective in the long run. Can’t be motivated by fear of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings with your boundaries. “Freedom first. Service second”. Some people give and give trying to stay in the good graces of others. It just doesn’t work over time. You grow resentful.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

The Law of Evaluation states that you should regularly evaluate your boundaries to make sure they're still serving you. Boundaries should be flexible and adaptable, not rigid and unchanging.

• Eph 4:15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

The Law of Proactivity states that you should be proactive in setting your own boundaries, rather than waiting for others to set them for you. This means taking ownership of your life and being assertive when necessary.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The Law of Envy states that you shouldn't compare yourself to others or envy their boundaries. Everyone's situation is unique, and what works for someone else may not work for you. Rather than wasting energy on wishing you had what someone else has, be proactive and make the changes necessary to have those things. 

Law #9: The Law of Activity

The Law of Activity states that you should be actively working to establish and maintain your boundaries. Boundaries require effort and attention to be effective.

• 2 Tim 1:17 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

The Law of Exposure states that you should be open and honest about your boundaries with others. This means communicating your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.

Mentioned in this episode:

Donate Now