When have you led with curiosity, compassion, clarity and calm? How have you shown up to challenging situations with courage, creativity, confidence, and connection? When your Self - with a capital S as identified in Internal Family Systems (IFS) practices - is present, what makes this wiser and kinder state possible?

[2.27] Chelle recaps episode #19 with Dr. Tori Olds where she introduced us to Internal Family Systems (IFS) and a set of tools to help us strengthen our self-leadership.

[4.51] Chelle shares Ah-ha #1 from Tori which is we all have a Self, which is our wisest and kindest version of ourself. Chelle recaps the 8C's from the IFS model.

[7.40] Chelle coaches Evie through a guided process to help Evie to connect to Self.

[14.48] Evie and Chelle discuss what came up during the guided process and offer insights on how to find your Self.

[24.00] Chelle shares her second Ah-ha insight, explaining that we all have different Parts that make up our Self.

[28.53] Chelle shares the final Ah-ha from Tori's podcast which is: we all have no bad Parts.

[38.52] Chelle summarises this podcasts' ah-ha moments and tools.

[41.37] Post show behind the scenes.

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How does it feel when you’re the wisest and kindest version of yourself? What impact does it have on you and others? What might life be like if you could more consistently show up as the person you are capable of being?

[0.57] Chelle introduces Dr. Tori Olds psychologist and co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy.

[1.48] Tori shares a 'Uniquely You' moment she remembers from her childhood.

[3.57] Tori explains how Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps us understand our capacity for self-leadership.

[10.24] Tori explains what 'Parts' mean in IFS when we talk about the Self.

[15.29] Tori talks us through the 8C's of the Self.

[16.22] Chelle and Tori discuss how Parts are connected to our protection circuits.

[23.10] Chelle explains to Tori about the link she discovered between Dr. Dan Siegal's 4S's Tool of Seen, Safe, Soothed & Secure and how that connects to our Parts.

[26.30] Tori shares how we can take a relational stance to our Parts and how this can connect us to Self.

[29.14] Tori explains what 'unblending' means when it comes to the Self.

[32.00] Tori shares questions that may be helpful to ask our Parts.

[36.22] Tori encourages us to take this work slowly to keep our brains in our 'green zone'.

[38.05] Tori shares her final Ah-ha.

[39.52] Chelle & Evie post show behind-the-scenes.

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When it comes to the relationships you prioritize in your life - family, friends, colleagues, and community - do you really belong, or are you just fitting in?

[0.46] Chelle introduces Dr. Dan Siegel, founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA and the executive director of the Mindsight Institute. [1.42] Dan shares his tool on how understanding our brain is in the 'palm of our hands' which provides insights into how we can better comprehend the workings of our brain.

[3.58] Dan teaches us about the 5 F's - fight, flee, freeze, faint/flop and fawn reaction states and how these impact our protection and connection systems in our brain.

[8.35] Dan shares how his 4S model of safe, seen, soothed and secure relates to his new work on intra-connection, insecure and secure attachment.

[12.15] Chelle shares her lived experience around people pleasing and how she used Dan's tools to reparent herself to feel safe, seen, soothed and secure.

[18.22] Dan offers a fresh perspective on the modern concept of 'the Self,' suggesting that this definition may contribute to a sense of disconnection from the Whole. As an alternative, he introduces his idea of 'MWe.'

[22.38] Dan explains what 'MWe' means and how this word helps us to embrace the Me and We as an intraconnected whole.

[26.35] Dan challenges us on the meaning of the words 'belonging' and 'self-identity'.

[37.22] Post show behind-the-scenes.

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When you’re struggling, how do you show up for yourself? Do you stoically push through whatever challenge you’re facing? Do you distract yourself by running around and helping others? Or do you make the space to sit down and listen to what your body and brain need you to know?[1.46] Chelle introduces Dr. Dan Siegel and explains why we're unpacking some of the comments and ideas in this ah-ha podcast before the release of the full conversation with Dan.

[3.25] Evie helps us to unpack Ah-ha #1 which was Dr. Dan Siegal's 4S model - safe, seen, soothed and secure.

[5.45] Chelle shares Ah-ha #2 on Dan's perspective around the word belonging and how our words create our worlds.

[8.18] Evie shares how our Uniquely You tool of 'On whose terms? For whose benefits?' can be applied to the language we use.

[12.13] Chelle introduces Ah-ha #3 where Dan cautioned us on the modern definition of the 'Self' and his concerns on how that lens keeps us seperate.

[16.05] Evie shares our Uniquely You tool of the power of "AND".

[21.20] Chelle summarises the Ah-ha moments and Uniquely You tools of today's podcast.

[24.06] Post-show behind the scenes.

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When it comes to setting and honoring the healthy boundaries you need in your life, are you scared of how other people will respond? Will your family be mad? Will your friends be hurt? Will your colleagues be upset?

[1.49] Michelle recaps episode #15 with Juliane Taylor Shore on the six steps to boundary setting and shares this as her first Ah-ha.

[5.59] Michelle and Evie walk through the six steps together to help Evie navigate setting a boundary in her personal life.

[20.27] Evie shares Ah-ha #2 where not only could we use these six steps to set the boundaries we needed in our relationships, but that we could use them to set boundaries for ourselves.

[20.45] Michelle walks us through how she has been using the six steps to set a boundary with herself when her behaviour hasn't been serving her well.

[27.10] Michelle shares Ah-ha #3 on how setting boundaries is likely to come with grief.

[27.58] Evie walks us through our Uniquely You tool of "Chopping Wood" which allows us to sit with the grief and move it through our bodies.

[32.15] Michelle recaps this episode with our 3 Ah-ha moments and tools.

[34.14] Post-show behind the scenes.

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When it comes to setting boundaries, do you send others mixed signals instead of clear messages? Are your efforts to communicate what you need packed with awkward moments or kind connections? Do you come away second-guessing yourself or full of self-respect?

1.33 Chelle & Juliane review the four different types of boundaries we need for our brains to feel safe.

2.20 Step 1: Find your big why

10.27 Step 2: Define your boundary

16.10 Step 3: Anticipate potential responses

26.08 Step 4: Anticipate your reactions

27.34 Step 5: Create a self-soothing plan

28.16 Step 6: Say it and follow through

34.45 Why grief is at the bottom of every boundary we set

39.20 Why we need a soft front, strong back, wild heart for boundary setting40.11 How to use the six steps to set boundaries for yourself

42.05 The post-show check-in

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When it comes to setting better boundaries, it helps to start by figuring out exactly what kind of boundary you most need. Is it an external boundary (between you and someone else), an internal boundary (the work you do to support yourself), or both? And how do you figure this out?

[2.24] Michelle recaps Episode 13 with Juliane Taylor Shore on setting healthy boundaries.

[4.13] Michelle shares Ah-Ha moment #1 on the difference between a boundary, a request, a demand and a complaint.

[7.28] Evie shares our Uniquely You tool of The 3H's of Setting Healthy Boundaries. Evie and Michelle share their experience with setting boundaries.

[16.37] Evie shares Ah-Ha moment #2 on psychological boundaries and how these can help us to protect our minds from one another where it's needed.

[19.33] Evie recaps a tool Juliane shared with us on how to listen with discernment.

[25.07] Michelle shares Ah-Ha moment #3 on containing boundaries and how we can implement pauses before we say or do.

[28.24] Evie recaps a tool Juliane shared with us on how to find your personal integrity word and action to help you to pause, feel and respond.

[34.04] Michelle summaries the Ah-Ha moments and tools shared in the podcast.

[36.41] Post-show behind the scenes.

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When it comes to feeling respected and valued in your relationships, do you know when to make requests and when to set boundaries? Or do you spin your wheels making complaints or issuing demands instead?

[0.57] Michelle introduces Juliane Taylor Shore.

[1.52] Juliane shares her Uniquely You moment with us.

[4.51] Juliane explains why boundaries are a way for people to be more connected to one another. She helps us to understand what happens to our brain when we set boundaries.

[15.09] Juliane helps us understand the difference between a boundary, a request, a demand and a complaint.

[20.51] Juliane describes boundaries along a spectrum of porous and rigid and what that means when it comes to flexing boundaries whilst doing right by ourselves and others.

[25.37] Juliane explains an external boundary which is our ability to let others know what is and is not okay with us and to match our actions to that communication.

[30.02] Juliane describes a psychological boundary and how it allows us to choose what to take in to keep other people safe when interacting with us.

[38.55] Juliane helps us understand what a container boundary is and how it allows us to pause, feel, think, and consciously choose a response.

[46.42] Behind the scenes post-show moment between Michelle and Evie.

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When it comes to connecting with others, does your nervous system tend to run “too hot” or “too cold”? Or are you able to live in the secure relating sweet spot of “just right”, even when your relationships become challenging?

[1.52] Michelle recaps Episode 11 - Part 2 of the podcast with Sue Marriott on Secure Relating. [2.54] Evie reintroduces the "zones of relating", in particular The Red Zone which causes our protection circuits to up-regulate and intensify our attention, emotions, and actions.

[3.47] Michelle shares her ah-ha moments about The Red Zone and shares our Uniquely You Tool of Taking A Cool Pause and how this can "cool" your nervous system down.

[5.06] Evie shares our Uniquely You Tool of Spotting The ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) and how this can help when we find ourselves in The Red Zone.

[6.56] Michelle shares our Uniquely You Tool of Bulleting Your Ah-Ha's which can help us to skip to the end of what we most need to say, instead of being verbose.

[9.26] Michelle reintroduces The Blue Zone and how this causes our protection circuit to down-regulate and avoid emotional connections. [9.55] Evie shares her ah-ha's about the Blue Zone and shares our Uniquely You Tool of Finding a Bridge which helps us to ask for support and find our way back to people.

[10.59] Michelle shares our Uniquely You Tool of Repairing Your Relationships which helps us to take accountability, apologize and genuinely mend relationships.

[13.47] Evie shares our Uniquely You Tool of Walking Towards Love whichs helps us reconnect to ourself and walk towards the people we love.

[16.18] Evie reintroduces The Green Zone (our just right zone) which is where we can embody trust and love.

[16.48] Michelle shares the 3's of Secure Relating as shared by Sue Marriott: Recognizing, Reflecting, Rewiring.

[27.20] Show wrap up

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Do you find it hard to trust others? Do you long to have closer relationships but find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety and fear when people want you to open up? Do you find being emotionally close with others confusing and exhausting?

[1.18] Michelle and Sue summarise part 1 of the conversation around secure relating and the "zones" of relating.

[4.40] Sue helps us understand more about the "blue zone" and it's link to childhood and emotionally unavailable caregivers and how that causes insecure attachment.

[7.04] Sue explains what you could try if you find yourself in the "blue zone" and how you can guide yourself back towards softness and vulnerability when relating through expressing delight.

[11.04] Sue helps us understand more about the "red zone" and how we can move back into our thinking brain and bring our focus back inward.

[16.43] Sue shares how recognizing, reflecting and rewiring helps us to hang out more in our "green zone".

[23.47] Sue explains one of her tools called the "Tie-Dye Puddle" and when and why we may find ourselves in this biological puddle.

[27.54] Sue explains why "safe-enough" should be our goal rather than striving for perfection when it comes to safety in relating.

[29.55] Sue shares final advice on how might we use these tools to help us stay in our "green zones" more often than not. [34.57] Michelle and Evie share post-show behind the scenes.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com