When your interactions with others become challenging, how does your nervous system respond? Are you able to stay grounded with your connection circuits turned on? Or do your protection circuits take over and turn you into a people-pleasing or protecting machine?

[3.14] Michelle recaps episode 9 with Sue Marriott, starting with the definition of secure attachment.

[5.38] Michelles shares Sue's insights on how 'secure relating' is available to everybody regardless of our childhood experiences.

[6.05] Michelle recaps how our nervous systems move between connection and protection along what Sue termed as 'zones'.

[7.24] Evie shares Ah-Ha #1: When in the Green Zone of secure relating, we embody trust and love.

[7.57] Michelle shares more on the Green Zone connection circuit and explains how our neurobiology is integrated when in this 'just right' zone. She takes us through how being in this zone allows us to feel the safety of exploring, bonding and belonging with one another.

[11.07] Evie shares our 'uniquely you' tool: The Brain Safety Dial. Evie and Michelle share their own lived experiences with using this tool to help them regulate to a more neutral zone of relating.[15.48] Michelle shares Ah-Ha #2: When we become afraid that our relationships are slipping away from us, it turns on our protection circuit which intensifies our attention, emotions, and actions and causes us to abandon our own needs in favor of pleasing or pleading with others. Sue described this as having shifted to the right along the spectrum into the Red Zone.

[21.17] Evie shares our 'uniquely you' tool: The Cool Pause. Evie and Michelle share their own lived experience of how this tool helps to reconnect to self and to calm the protection circuit so that connection can be restored. 

[24.23] Evie shares Ah-Ha #3: When we turn down our attachment system, we go to the Blue Zone and withdraw from others so we don’t have to feel emotionally or socially vulnerable.

[24.43] Michelle shares more on the Blue Zone connection circuits and how this zone causes us to silence and avoid our feelings, and create more emotional distance from ourselves and others.

[29.35] Evie shares our 'uniquely you' tool: Building A Bridge. Evie and Michelle share their own lived experience with asking for help and apologising to help them come out of the Blue Zone.

[31.35] Michelle provides a wrap up of the ah-ha's and tools.

[34.41] Podcast Wrap Up [35.33] Post-show behind the scenes.

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When it comes to your relationships, do you bend over backwards to please others in the hope they’ll love you in return? Do you play it cool and silence your needs in the hope they’ll admire and respect you? Or, are you able to interact in ways that embody trust and love for yourself and others?

[4.20] Sue explains secure attachment and how it impacts our relationships.

[7.14] Sue shares how 'secure relating' is available to everybody regardless of our childhood experiences.

[10.57] Sue outlines how our nervous systems move between connection and protection and how this shapes our relationships.

[16.26] Sue explains the impact of the 'good girl' scripts we tell ourselves and how that impacts our ability to securely relate to ourselves and others.

[22.10] Sue shares what it means to be in Green Zone where our relationships feel just right.

[26.00] Sue introduces the Red Zone and how our nervous systems heat up when we feel our relationships are being threatened.

[34.38] Sue introduces the Blue Zone and how our nervous system cools down when we feel too vulnerable with others.

[45.17] Michelle and Evie post-show ah-ha's.

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When you feel envy or anger, how do you respond? Do you put on your kindest face for everyone to admire, while viciously criticizing yourself for being petty and mean on the inside? Or do try to rid yourself of these emotions by shaming and blaming the people who made you feel this way?

[2.20] - Chelle & Evie unpack the recent podcast with Elise Leohnen and how she helped us to unpack how our good girl mindsets get shaped by the world around us. [4.57] - Aha #1: We unpack Elise's statement: “Even though we don’t want to subscribe or comply with society’s good girl beliefs they are in us and we have to be able to recognize when they are driving our behavior and pull them out. That we have to clear out our own gardens.”[9.21] - Tool #1: Free Yourself Questions of: On whose terms? For whose benefit? 

[11.08] - Aha #2: How can we weed through all that cultural programming to get to what you actually want.

[14.07] - Tool #2: Self-compassion - Best Friend Test

[15.30] - Aha #3: We unpack Elise's statement: “While many of us are familiar with frustration, impatience, and resentment – the socially acceptable forms of anger – women rarely give full vent to our anger.”

[18.12] - Tool #3: ‘Flipping Our Anger’

[23.07] - Aha & Tool recap

[25.39] - Post-show confession

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Growing up, were you encouraged to be a ‘good girl’? Do you find yourself, even as an adult, still struggling to meet this impossible set of expectations? Where do these beliefs come from, and why are they so hard to free ourselves of?

[1.36] Elise shares a 'good girl' belief she has been working on recently.

[4.05] Elise explains why so many women believe they need to be 'good girls' and where these ideas come from.

[7.51] Elise explores how society grooms us to be 'good girls' and the costs.

[12.12] Elise shares how, as adults, we can use self-compassion practices to help us unsubscribe from 'good girl' expectations that don't serve us well.

[17.57] Elise outlines how we can use our resentment and anger about the 'good girl' bind to redefine our self-worth.

[28.22] Elie offers some final tips to help us spot where the world's 'good girl' expectations are keeping us stuck.

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When someone offers you feedback or criticism, how does your body respond? Do you brace yourself for the sharp pain of hearing you’re not good enough? Or does your heart open up with appreciation, and your mind fire up with curiosity for the opportunity to learn? How might a growth mindset help you listen to feedback with self-compassion?

[2.34] - Chelle & Evie unpack Dr. Carol Dweck's definition of a growth mindset.

[6.54] - Aha #1: Why do we often feel afraid to take on challenges and persist, and how does this drive our obsession with perfectionism?

[12.14] - Tool #1: The power of being a 'Yettie'

[14.26] - Aha #2: How a growth mindset has been found to help women thrive in threatening environments.

[18.59] - Tool #2: The opportunity to 'Run A Learning Loop'

[21.45] - Aha #3: When you're given feedback or criticism what do you hear?

[26.21] - Tool #3: How to "Set Learning Goals

[29.23] - Aha & Tool recap

[31.54] - Post-show confession

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com

Do you hustle through your days chasing perfection? Does the prospect of failing fill you with fear? Is feedback and criticism painful to hear? Then, practicing a growth mindset could help free you from your 'good girl' hustle for perfection.

[2.33] Carol defines the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset.

[3.38] Carol shares how fixed and growth mindsets impact our confidence.

[5.12] Carol explains how gender beliefs can impact our fixed and growth mindsets.

[7.36] Carol outlines how our fixed and growth mindsets get shaped in our lives.

[10.00] Carol explains how we can shift our mindsets when they don't serve us well.

[15.37] Carol shares the power of embracing struggle to help us achieve the outcomes we want.

[18.07] Carol outlines how we can practice growth mindsets when the people around us are not supportive.

[22.30] Carole explains how growth mindsets impact our wellbeing.

[26.19] The post-podcast confession.

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When you’re struggling what do you say to yourself? Studies suggest many of us say horrible things to ourselves in these moments like: “You're so stupid!”, “You’re such a loser!”, “No wonder no one loves you!" or worse. But what's the best question to ask ourselves in these moments?

[2.40] The most common tool women report using to break free of their 'good girl' beliefs and embody their unique selves.

[3.33] A-ha #1: Why do women tend to be more self-critical than men?

[6.40] Tool #1: How we can Shuffle The Script to help extend more self-compassion.

[8.37] A-ha #2: The benefit of avoiding beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up

[12.50] Tool #2: How to Take An Oxytocin Shot when you need to reach for self-compassion.

[14.40] A-ha #3: The best question to ask when we're struggling to feel safe, calm, and supported.[19.30] Tool #3: How to set and honor healthy boundaries with others.

[25.46] The after-show confession

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Do you find it difficult to say “no”? Are you scared of setting boundaries? Can you confidently and calmly stand up for yourself? If mastering these skills feels like it might stretch you well outside your comfort zone, then the skills of fierce self-compassion may help.

[1.31] Kristin explains why studies suggest women struggle more with self-compassion more than men.

[5.24] Kristin outlines how the three elements of self-criticism are designed to keep us safe but tend to backfire.[8.31] Kristin explains how self-criticism can undermine our wellbeing.

[11.40] Kristin explains how self-compassion provides a helpful alternative to self-criticism.

[15.55] Kristin shares how fierce self-compassion can help us set boundaries, stand up for ourselves, and motivate ourselves when most needed.

[22.21] Kristin shares her favorite self-compassion practice.

[31.08] The after show confession

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What's the positive alternative to being a 'good girl'? In this workshop replay we share insights from our latest research with women around the world on:[6.28] Why we sometimes believe we need to earn love by performing perfectly, pleasing everyone, and protecting others.

[7.53] The positive 'good girl' alternative that helps us believe love is given to ourselves and others by showing self-compassion, securely attaching, and strengthening self-leadership.

[11.42] How can we find the balance between our good girl and positive alternative beliefs.

[31.43] The practices and tools to help us build self-compassion.

[39.14] The practices and tools to help us securely attach.

[46.24] The practices and tools to help us strengthen self-leadership.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com

We’ve been asking woman all over the world what being a ‘good girl’ means to them. Most of them shared early childhood memories between the ages of 6 – 11 where usually a family member or a teacher had encouraged them to be a ‘good girl’ if they wanted to be safe, successful, and loved. We've found for many women this early childhood experience has become a deeply held belief – a mindset – that continues to shape the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of these women decades later often leading to exhaustion, loss of identify, and deep resentment. How can we break free of these beliefs if they no longer serve us?

[02:35] Evie and Michelle explore what it means to be a 'good girl' and share their own stories insights from women around the world.

[07:41] Michelle and Evie unpack where our 'good girl' beliefs serve us and well and where do they keep us stuck?

[19:42] Evie and Michelle share their favorite tools - and the two questions that make all the difference for them - to break free of their 'good girl' mindsets when they don't serve them well.

[27:26] Michelle summarizes what we are learning from the research and the practical game changing actions we can all experiment with.

[30.52] The post-show reflection.

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com