The Greatest Generation

When the Enterprise has to transport Ginger Jesus to a peace negotiation between some ersatz Klingons, his sexual super-magnetism is a distraction for some of the crew. Their 5-star Uber rating is seemingly in the bag until his cadre of helpers is killed on an away mission, forcing the diplomat to talk only with his hands. Are these the worst alien effects we've seen? What's a job interview like for a bathroom attendant? Do they still have Pier 1 in the future? It's the episode where we return to Anybody Canyon!

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When the world's shittiest Han Solo breaks down within hailing range of the Enterprise, the women of the ship are extremely hospitable to him. Meanwhile, Data is desperately trying to learn the secrets of comedy by playing the holodeck on fast forward. Then a bunch of squabbling aliens with extremely retrograde beliefs surrounding procreation and marriage beam aboard and somehow make Data's storyline seem fun by comparison. Is Worf in charge of keeping Riker's harem safe? Is Terri Hatcher playing her character from Desperate Housewives? Is a cigar just a cigar? It's the episode that dissects the frog, and we might not be equal to the challenge.

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When Data and Geordi get some down-time, they use it like no one else would: playing Sherlock Holmes on the Holodeck. But when Geordi sets the computer's difficulty settings to "All-Madden," Moriarty begins dropping bangers all over the ship, and has become an adversary more powerful than either of them expected. What is a warrior's hat? Is Dr. Pulaski a functional syntheholic? What does it sound like when Data takes a dump? It's the episode recorded in karate stance!

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When the Enterprise finds a hole in space, nobody is more excited to explore it than Commander Riker, but after it envelops the ship, he (and everyone else) learns a powerful lesson about consent. Once inside, they're faced with an adversary acting like a six-year-old holding a magnifying glass over an ant colony. Will Captain Picard finally get his opportunity to go down with the ship? Will Ensign Haskell get another line of dialogue? Is Worf's holodeck routine even raunchier than the First Officer's? It's the episode where almost half of the jokes die (which is within acceptable limits)!

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When Counselor Troi becomes unexpectedly pregnant, the Enterprise crew has a ton of questions: "When did this happen? "Who's the father?" and "How quickly can we abort it?" Troi makes it clear she's keeping it, but there's no time for a baby shower because this baby grows so fast that it's born in only a few days. After another few days, it's tall enough to go on the rides at Disneyland! How big will this kid get? Where is Riker's "leaning wall" when he needs it? Why does Ben have a restraining order from the Olson twins? It's our season 2 premiere!

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When Data and Worf beam some popsicles aboard the Enterprise, the doctor thaws them out, which treats the whole ship to an unfrozen caveman legal drama. And that's not to mention all the starbases and outposts that are being disappeared, presumably by Romulans, along the edge of the Neutral Zone. Picard quickly gets to the end of his rope when one of his primeval passengers tries to get involved in galactic politics. Will Data and his new friend pick up any "pit woofies"? Will Troi manage her day well enough to be on the bridge for contact with hostile aliens? Will Worf ever learn to live in a world with locked doors? It's the last episode of the worst season of our favorite show, and we send it off in style!

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When Captain Picard's old friend sends him a "U up?" message in the middle of the night, it's enough to send the Enterprise back to Earth to investigate evidence of a Federation conspiracy. There, the crew is reunited with some familiar faces: Inspector General Dexter Remmick and Admiral Gregory "Roundhouse" Quinn. Does Dytallix B cause hair loss? Is Picard impervious to being "Picosby-ed"? Who keeps putting all these glass coffee tables on board starships? It's a super-sized podcast where we make the case for writing future Star Trek episodes!

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When Captain Picard's fencing match gets cut short by a bad case of deja vu, the Enterprise crew is forced to grapple with his romantic regrets, not to mention a temporal catastrophe that threatens the entire quadrant. Their investigation leads to a fringey German scientist, who married Picard's ex-girlfriend. Will Beverly's deep jealousy impact her obligation to keep the scientist alive? Is Data already old enough to need a reacher-grabber? Will the captain finally have a sexual encounter with a consenting adult? It's the episode where we discover that we'd be great future accordion players!

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When Counselor Troi's driver puts their shuttlecraft into a ditch on planet Vagra II, it's up to the Enterprise to play the part of AAA. It's just too bad that Armus is there, blocking their way and being a real jerk about it. Did Worf hedge his bet on Tasha Yar? Why are business trip conferences still a thing in the future? Did Leland T. Lynch "Argyle" himself off the show? It's the episode where we turn tragedy into comedy!

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When NPR turns us down for a Sunday slot, we turn our attention to the most egregious episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation that Nancy Reagan ever wrote. The Enterprise once again is playing host to squabbling aliens, but this time the shifty rednecks come with a twist: they're hooked on drugs. Bad drugs. Will the glittery Aryans get high on their own supply? Can Tasha Yar persuade Wesley (The Boy?) to keep on the straight and narrow? What would the Prime Directive have to say about the CIA supplying crack to the inner cities? It's the episode with one of the most abstract Drunk Shimodas yet!

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