The Innovative Therapist

Vulnerability is courage in you, and weakness in me

Do you ever read what others write online and think, "Wow that's brave, but I could never do that."

If so, I have been where you are.

Back in 2009, I was deep in my binge eating disorder shame spiral. No one knew how much I was struggling. And I wanted to keep it that way.

I was going to solve this dang problem myself if it was the last thing I did.

And then, once I solved it, then maybe I'd share my story.

Ready to Break the Binge Eating Cycle for Good?

Ready to stop avoiding and break the binge eating cycle for good?

The first step is to disrupt the cycle.

My free practical guide has 23 positive ideas for things to do instead of eating. Don't worry, you wont find the standard diet culture BS advice (take a walk, have some water!)

Take the first step to finally stop binge eating and grab my free practical guide today!

Grab my free guide to disrupt the cycle of emotional and binge eating today!

The Power of One Woman's Story

I started listening to podcasts in 2008 when I was living in Philadelphia going to grad school.

I would walk to and from campus every day, often with one of my beloved podcasts playing in my headphones.

Podcast listening wasn't as convenient as it is today. I had to download the podcasts from my desktop computer to iTunes, and then plug in my iPod and transfer the episodes to it.

It was not a fast process.

But I had a sense there was something for me to gain from this one woman's story and I just knew I had to keep listening.

I Had All the Tools, or So I Thought

I had access to all the tools and resources related to evidence-based approaches to eating disorders and weight management.

Literally, that's what I came to Drexel to study.

I led groups for NIH funded weight management trials comparing standard behavioral treatments to more innovative treatments. I read and researched the psychology and biology of eating behavior every day.

I worked with some of the very top leaders in the eating disorder and weight management fields.

"Maybe I'm Not Broken..."

With access to all these resources, want to know what helped me the most during this time?

Listening to Renee Stephens' podcast where she shared her story of having binge eating disorder, eating food out of the trash, and eventually achieving peace and freedom in her relationship with food.

Her struggle made me feel a tiny bit less like a total hypocrite and a fraud.

It took away a tiny bit of my shame. And gave me hope.

Are We Really Helping People?

This was also the time when I really started to question things.

I wasn't seeing any clients or group members make incredible transformations and achieving long-term peace in their relationship with food.

Maybe it wasn't me, or the clients, or the research participants that were the ones who were broken at all.

Maybe the system was.

"It will always be a struggle for you."

One of the things you often hear about in the eating disorder and weight management worlds is that if you have and eating disorder, or struggle with your weight, you will probably always struggle.

But don't worry... you can "learn to manage it."

How inspiring .

It is even possible to not struggle for the rest of your life?

I remember hearing Renee say things I had never heard before, like:

There's a positive intention behind every behavior, meaning you are trying to get something good for yourself when you are eating (e.g., freedom from pain, boredom, comfort, etc.)Ask yourself "how will eating this make me feel over time?" It is possible to feel relaxed around food and at peace with your bodyHow do you want to feel in your body?

Glimmers of Hope and Empowerment

Although at this point in my journey when I was listening to Renee's story, I was still in diet mentality in many ways. However, I found it really helpful to ask myself some of the above questions.

For the first time, I started to really make a conscious choice to eat or not from a place of self-respect and care.

I found myself passing up the extra donuts left in the lab not due to concern about calories, but instead due to knowing I'd feel really sluggish and unproductive over the next several hours.

For once, I actually felt a little empowered. And a little hope. Maybe I could heal myself fully (not just "manage").

Something Was Still Keeping Me Stuck

Despite making some improvements with my eating, I was still pretty stuck. Still binge eating with some regularity. And still incredibly ashamed.

Without realizing it, I was still in diet mentality and a restrictive mindset, even though if you'd asked me at that time, I'd tell you:

"I definitely don't diet. Diets don't work. I'm just trying to eat to feel good in my body.""I do not restrict myself from any food." (I didn't limit any foods, but I was still in a restrictive mindset)"I never skip meals." (I literally never did)

These Things Were Still Keeping Me Stuck in the Binge Cycle

1. I was still focused on weight loss.

Without realizing it, I was still really hoping that eating in this way would help me lose weight.

In hindsight, there were a few things about The Inside Out Weight Loss podcast that were unhelpful for me.

First, the name of the podcast itself, which indicated that weight loss was the most important goal ( and was still in our control).

Second, Renee would often use the term "naturally slender" to describe people we would want to aspire to be like. (Example: "You know, those people we love to hate who seem to be able to eat anything they want and are always slim." was often said).

The Podcast Wasn't Immune from the "Thinner is Better" Mantra

This podcast like most things was influenced by diet culture and the idea that thin is the "best" body type. It made several inaccurate assumptions, like:

"We should all strive to be naturally slender." "If you do the work to take great care of yourself, you will naturally become thin!"

It completely ignores the reality that many people, when they eat intuitively and remain in tune with their bodies, their bodies remain a shape other than "slender".

Without realizing it, this podcast reinforced the idea that we are all taught.

Thinner is better. It's the way to be. "Healthier."

Although the podcast had many great messages about listening to your body, trusting it, loving yourself, those messages were somewhat drowned out.

And since I wasn't automatically becoming "naturally slender" based on following the strategies, I still felt I wasn't "fixed" yet.

2. I was still alone in this journey.

The second thing that kept me stuck is my deep shame about my struggle, which caused me to keep to myself and continue to try to "solve it myself."

Unfortunately, I waited way too long to seek therapy, with the exception of a few sporadic counseling center visits.

I simply never got to the root of the tree.

Disordered eating, chronic dieting, other symptoms are the branches, but it isn't about the food, the drugs, the excessive worry, nor the toxic relationship patterns. It's about going to the root of the tree, the thing you are trying to avoid.

Enter Intuitive Eating

I am incredibly grateful I found Intuitive Eating a few years later, which with some additional time and work, I finally ditched the diet mentality (aka restrictive mindset) and stopped binge eating for good.

The diet mentality as an invisible string that was holding me down. I couldn't see it, but just when I would make progress, I would get pulled back into the binge restrict pattern.

And looking back, this was 100% caused by secretive and sneaky restrictive mindsets that I truly had zero idea were there.

These subtle judgments I had about eating something "unhealthy" would lead me to binge on the food because my brain interpreted the judgment as restriction and future starvation.

Things That Were Actually Helpful In Breaking Free of Binge Eating

I haven't had a binge episode since 2014.

The peace around food and my body is beyond what I could have hoped for.

This is direct evidence against the statement that "once you have an eating disorder, you will always struggle with it."

As I reflect on my journey and what was most helpful, it boils down to four main things:

Hearing stories of others who shared my struggle, and achieved what I wanted. Hearing that Renee Stephens, a high achieving executive, felt completely out of control and hopeless with food and that she came out on the other side a happy, vibrant, energetic soul who had peace with food and the courage to share her story openly. Many others have shared their stories of achieving peace and freedom with food, and building courageous and connected lives on the blog. Listen to their stories here. See yourself in them. And remember: You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. And you can break free of the cycle too.Learning about Intuitive Eating, the impact of Diet Culture, and my hidden restrictive mindset. This was pivotal for me and the final difference that actually cut the diet mentality cord. Without realizing it, I still was focused on weight loss and what I thought was "being healthy" and judging myself for my choices, which was causing my binge eating. Listening to Intuitive Eating helped me finally give this up for good, and I've never felt better physically or emotionally. More importantly, I've never felt more connected with the people in my life, or better able to handle the actual difficult emotions underlying all the diet cycle BS.Realizing it was never about the food. For years, I was convinced I was semi-addicted to sugary foods like cereal and cake. Now, I know that my brain was just restricted and I had no idea. I still like food. It's tasty and I love having ice cream or cake or pizza

Episode 26. Comparative suffering is the act of ranking our pain against others' pain. For example, someone who is going through a tough breakup might see their pain as worse than someone who is stressed about getting a bad grade in a class, but less bad compared to someone experiencing poverty and homelessness. I'll say it right away: comparative suffering does not benefit anyone. In this episode we are going to delve into why that is and what to do instead. This also relates to our topic for next week which is all about why and how sharing our stories is so powerful. Comparative suffering is often a major barrier to doing so. Let's dive in!

Want to get some background on what this podcast is ALL about? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

What is Comparative Suffering?

Comparative suffering is all about evaluating our current pain against others and deciding which one ranks higher and therefore is more "deserving" of being felt.

Have you ever said:

"But so many people have it worse than me, I feel bad for even mentioning it."

"I feel like I'm just whining and complaining."

"I have it so good in the grand scheme of things, I should just be grateful."

I get it. I did this all the time in the past. A LOT. I STILL do it, and frankly, I'm actively working on this. Just this past week I realized how much shame I had about my frustration with my core muscles after childbirth. But my immense shame came from the fact that I know some women cannot have children even when they desperately want to.

Even as I write this, I feel the need to justify to you all, my listeners, how incredibly grateful I am for my children and how I'd take a lifetime of a non-functional core for them. I still feel guilty and bad, like I'm "complaining" about it.

But here's the thing. No one benefits from my unaddressed shame. Literally no one. Not the women who have what I view as potentially worse pain to cope with. In fact, if my pain and guilt is unaddressed, I might be less emotionally available and present when I have the opportunity to listen and support them.

Understanding Your Struggle by Understanding Your Past

Many times in therapy, I hear people say, "gosh, I feel bad even saying this, but it might be easier if I had a more objectively difficult past". Like, if I had significant trauma in my past, then maybe I'd be able to give myself empathy more readily because I'd feel like my pain was more valid.

Not only is this quite unlikely to be true, as most therapists who have worked with people across the spectrum of various "amounts" of trauma can tell you; But even if it were true, from a deep down practical level, is NOT acknowledging or validating your pain helping you?

No One Wins from You Not Acknowledging Your Pain

The more I continue in this field and interact with people inside and outside of therapy, and reflect on my own experiences, the more I realize that not only does one benefit from you acknowledging and validating your pain, but the world NEEDS you to do so.

The world needs you to show up as your full authentic self in courageous ways.

This might be to fight for just causes, or to show up vulnerably and authentically in the relationships that matter most to you.

The truth is, not validating and acknowledging your pain might feel slightly less uncomfortable in the moment than acknowledging it and moving through it, but truly no one is benefitting.

Typically, our unacknowledged pain comes out as anger, depression, and anxiety, and it negatively affects us and the ones around us. It keeps us living small, not fully seen, and not fully known. It's a tough way to live, and it typically does no good for anyone.

How We Understand Our Personal Story

Next week's episode is going to focus more on reasons you should share your story (in big or small ways) and how this can make all the difference for you.

Remember, your story is your own. It is unique and important, no matter what the details are.

I have struggled with this. Some of my hesitancy to share my personal details online were related to my profession. I didn't want to be seen as unprofessional or make my clients uncomfortable.

But also, I was worried, and to some extent still worry that people will judge based on the lack of difficulty I have had.

Brene Brown is doing a podcast series with her sisters on The Gifts of Imperfection (which is an amazing book, by the way) and she said that many people assume her life was really perfect growing up. However, it wasn't and really no ones' is.

"I Have Had a Good Life."

This is another phrase that would make me super rich if I had a dollar for each time I heard it. And frankly, I've said it many times myself.

It's important to remember that you can be incredibly grateful for the good in your life AND still acknowledge the pain. That isn't complaining or being ungrateful, it isn't blaming anyone else or not taking responsibility, it's just describing the reality of the situation. In fact, acknowledging the past in an accurate and self-compassionate way is one of the most effective ways to take personal responsibility for living a value-aligned life. - Shawn Hondorp, PhD, ABPP

I have had a really good life. I freaking love my life. I've had some tough stuff happen in the past, and recently, some trauma, some loss. AND it often feels like NOTHING compared to the pain others experience in this world.

A great example of this is my conversation back in Episode 6 where I talked with my friend Quinn Menier about the book The Body is Not an Apology. We discussed body shame and some of her experiences as a Black Women.

I have experienced body shame at various points, but many people whose bodies do not fit what we are told is "good" (typically white, thin, etc) have a WHOLE other layer of BS to deal with that I have not had to.

What is Comparative Suffering Costing You?

But if I stayed in comparative suffering, who benefits? Storytelling and examples are powerful, and they bring these concepts to real life. If I stayed in comparative suffering mode, this blog and podcast wouldn't be a thing. And one of the unique benefits of this podcast and blog is that I've actually grown closer to some people in my personal life because we are having more real, authentic and honest conversations about these topics. Cool, huh?

So when you fall into comparative suffering, I'd ask you to consider this: What is it costing you? What are you holding back from the world that perhaps the world needs? What would you do if you were brave?

Steps to Stop Allowing Comparative Suffering to Hold You Back

Notice it. Of course, as with anything you must first notice when you are doing it. When are you saying "stop complaining" to yourself, when really you aren't complaining at all, you are just acknowledging the reality of the situation. You can acknowledge the pain and suffering of others accurately ("gosh, I never had to deal with teasing about my weight in childhood, that must have been so incredibly hard for you") while still also acknowledging your own pain ("I have internalized the idea that smaller bodies are better and when I look in the mirror, I criticize the heck out of my body and it makes me really angry and sad.").Remember that doing so is common. Part of self-compassion is developing the notion of common humanity. That you are not alone in your struggle, that many people have similar internal struggles, though the external symptom or presentation may look different. Comparative suffering is something we talk about because it's incredibly common. But remember a few weeks ago when we talked about toxic positivity. The idea that you should "only think positive" because you don't have to have "negative vibes" and "no one wants to hear your problems". Just remember, those things aren't true. Vulnerability and authenticity is how we connect, but comparative suffering is common and people, including you, will continue to do it. Don't beat yourself up. Just notice, know it's normal, and move to what you can control.Name the pain for what it is. When you notice yourself jumping into invalidation and self-criticism, say something to yourself like, "Wow, you are really beating yourself up about this and there's a lot of shame here. That's allowed." or take a deep breath, and name the shame, such as "when my friend made that comment about her body and wanting to lose weight, it brought up a really uncomfortable feeling in me, I don't need to blame her, or myself for this emotion, I can just name it and breathe".Cultivate self-compassion. This is a harder one, but don't skip it! I will tell you, I am actively working on this. In fact, I realized after recording a recent interview with Dr. Adia Gooden (who is amazing, you are going to love this interview coming out in two more weeks), that I still have work to do in actively cultivating self-compassion. This might look like self-talk such as, "I'm so sorry you are feeling that pain, it's okay, I'm here for you". Self-compassion is being there for yourself, picking yourself up when you falter or struggle, and being your own biggest supporter. In the upcoming interview, we talk about this more in depth, but if this type of self-talk feels like a stretch, try to think about how you'd talk to a child if they were in pain, or even a small puppy dog that was scared, lonely, or sad. It's POWERFUL, and fairly counter intuitive for many of us, but I can't wait to hear how it goes for you!

Let's Focus on Something We Actually Can Control

...

Episode 25. This week I talk to Dr. Mary Dagen. Dr. Dagen is a board-certified family medicine physician and has been practicing as a medical Bariatrician for the past two years. Dr. Dagen became a certified culinary medicine specialist in 2018 and is currently serving a 3-year term as a board member for Ottawa Food, whose mission is to ensure affordable access to nutritious food. Away from the office, she enjoys running, gardening, and wildlife photography. Her favorite time is spent with her husband, two kitties, and their bunny.

Want to get some background on what this podcast is ALL about? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

What to Expect from this Interview:

Discussion of the pros and cons of considering obesity a diseaseSome of the barriers physicians face with regards to measurement of weight and health markersWays to understand your health beyond just the number on the scaleThe importance of working with a health care professional who seeks additional training in something like lifestyle medicine and not believing everything you learn on the internetWhy you should never worry about eating fruit again!The importance of taking a wholistic view of health, all from the physician's perspectiveA physician's take on her introduction to the Health at Every Size movement

Beyond Body Mass Index (BMI)

There are many ways to measure your health besides the body mass index. Dr. Dagen and I discuss why the BMI is problematic and some of the other ways she tries to measure health. She states:

"I'm pretty honest with patients. I put it [BMI] on the chart because I have to put it on the chart, but it really doesn't define anything so we're working to improve other health conditions that they are coming to see me for."Dr. Mary Dagen, MD

Culinary Medicine: Using Food to Prevent or Reverse Disease

Dr. Dagen talks about her certification in Culinary Medicine and how she learned in that program about using food to prevent or reverse disease.

The culinary medicine classes typically involve a chef, a physician, and a dietitian. As someone who has taken these classes, we reflect on how these classes are typically the opposite of diet mentality, and instead teach people to enjoy cooking, build mastery, while also creating a sense of community.

The hope and the plan is to build in this type of education on a larger scale over time, given how effective this would be over counting your calories for the millionth time in a row.

The culinary medicine specialty falls under a bigger umbrella of Lifestyle Medicine.

What is Lifestyle Medicine?

We talked about the field of Lifestyle Medicine and how it incorporates many aspects of health beyond just what we eat. This field talks about the importance of:

SleepStressEmotional well-beingMovement

Dr. Dagen talks about how even though she already had specialty training in obesity medicine and culinary medicine she has learned an immense amount within the process of studying for Lifestyle Medicine board certification.

We discuss the fact that most physicians don't get any of this training unless they specifically seek it out, and even when they do there is a LOT to learn in this field, given how complex it is. Dr. Dagen talks about the fact that even though she is board certified in family medicine, she did not get any of this training at all. Though the training in medicine in this area is shifting, it's a very slow and gradual process.

That said, if you are seeking out a different way to look at weight loss and dieting, you are very likely to come across physicians who have views that are uninformed and/or unhelpful, and you may need to be an advocate for yourself.

Consume Information Online With Extreme Caution

We talked about the fact that although it's good that more professionals are sharing evidence-based information online, it's incredibly hard for people even with training to decipher what's real and what isn't.

Therefore it's always important to consult with a professional who knows your history.

Thoughts from a physician regarding the Health at Every Size movement

Dr. Dagen admitted that she does not know a lot about the Health at Every Size movement, and that she did some learning about it by listening to the Health at Every Size podcast interview I did with Annyck Besso, MS, RD, and doing some reading online since she and I talked a few weeks ago.

She stated that she really appreciates that she really likes the emphasis on de-stigmatizing weight and reducing judgment on individuals.

She stated that her main concern as a physician was making sure that we aren't normalizing poor health and not taking disease risk factors seriously until it's much harder to reverse.

She talked about some of her experiences as a primary care physician and seeing families with kids with very high weights whose parents didn't seem concerned about it due to it being socially normative.

"I Don't Want Things To Be Missed"

Dr. Dagen talked about the fact that we know that the food industry is contributing in a very negative way to our health and the importance of not missing this point or glossing over it.

She stated that she hopes we can continue to have conversations about reducing weight bias and stigma AND improving food quality and nutrition knowledge.

I find that this view is really common among medical professionals and Dr. Dagen and I talked about how we don't really know exactly if and how this movement contributes at all to this lack of concern, or if other factors are at play here.

The main take home message (at least for me) is that most professionals agree with the idea of de-centering weight as the sole measure of health and continuing to look at health and all the things that go into it as a larger picture than just weight or what we put in our bodies (e.g., not forgetting about sleep, stress, social relationships, social determinants of health, etc).

Don't Stress About Fruit

Dr. Dagen answers one of the most common question she gets regarding plant-based diets and managing blood sugar, particularly in people with diabetes.

She states:

"I find that somebody at some point, whether it's their PCP or endocrinologist or someone managing their diabetes has told them that fruit will make their sugar be high and make their A1c worse and will make them gain weight and the reality is that none of that is true. There is zero evidence to support that."- Dr. Mary Dagen, MD

She goes on to talk to us about how plant-based diets get confused with a more whole foods plant-based diet, and like anything we can get distracted from true healthful eating when we rely too heavily on processed foods like the Impossible Burger and things like Triscuits that promote the "plant-based" label on the side to boost sales.

She talks about the importance of eating foods as close to their natural form as possible and reminds us that:

"Carbs are not our enemy."

And of course, Impossible Burgers, or any food for that matter are not "bad" they just aren't the epitome of health just because they don't have animal product in them.

Body Intuition Rules All

Dr. Dagen shares how she was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and how she was told not to run, but she did so anyways and she believes that this is something that her body needed. To her doctor's surprise, she ended up going into remission from the disease and remains in remission today, suggesting that her intuition to follow what she felt was best for her body, was very much the correct one.

She talked about her decision to stop running competitively in college due to no longer enjoying it, and returning to running for herself and how important that was in maintaining intrinsic motivation to do so.

She stated that as soon as she pulled out of that final competition, even though she had to have a tough conversation with her parents who had driven 10 hours to see her race, it was the right move. She started doing it for herself again, and started enjoying it again. To this day, running when she is able and not limited by health concerns, remains something that makes her feel empowered and in control, and incredibly grateful.

Moving from Should to Choose To

We talked about things that feel like a should for her, and how she has moved them to more of a "choose to."

Strength Training and Walking. She stated that she does not naturally love strength training or walking, but stated that "I need to love it for my overall health." She talks about gradually learning to embrace walking when she isn't able to run (as she is not currently able to due to recovering from a health condition) and trying to really enjoy this. She also talks about trying yoga and strength training and how taking time and space for herself can be challenging, but is consistent with her values of self-care.

Sleep. She states, "I know I should get enough sleep." Dr. Dagen talks about setting some boundaries with when she should sleep and the impact that this has on her physically and emotionally.

Taking Self Care Time. She talked about the struggle she has had in the past with taking time for herself. She has been actively working on this in the last few years and tried to fiercely protect her self-care time and how this is intimately related to her overall health.

Main Takeaways

Your health is way more than your weight. It's incredibly important to realize that there is no perfect BMI or weight for every person and that it's essential to work with a health professional who will get this and sup

Episode 24. In this episode we talk about the concept of psychological flexibility. Do you ever feel like you are playing whack-a-mole with your negative thoughts? Like ok I'm supposed to feel worthy, and energized, and have internal motivation, and never have diet mentality thoughts. Then having negative thoughts or self-doubt becomes another way to feel like you have failed? Do you ever think, "Why can't I just be confident?" or "Why do I care so much what other people think?"

Today's episode is all about the concept of psychological flexibility. This has overlap with the concept of acceptance. It does NOT mean accepting all as it is and becoming complacent and it also does not mean accepting things won't change. It means being willing to have uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations in service of your most important values, your WHY, your reasons and purpose for living.

This conversation builds on our previous ones about support and accountability. Accountability can be incredibly useful as we work through discomfort.

We are going to talk about:

Why "just think positive" is a major problem and rarely moves us in a positive directionThe concept of toxic positivity and how it keeps us from emotional agilityHow to use the concepts of psychological flexibility and willingness from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to get you unstuck and moving forward regardless of how "motivated" you feel

Want to start from the beginning? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

Clarify Your Values

Want a step by step guide to help you reflect on your most important values so you can remind yourself WHY you are getting comfortable with being uncomfortable? My free values and goals guide does just that. Check it out for free here!

What if I Can't Change My Thoughts?

Have you heard of cognitive-behavioral therapy? It's an evidence-based and incredibly effective therapy that works for a wide-variety of conditions.

The idea goes like this. If you have an event happen to you, like someone walks by you on the street and makes a frowning face, your interpretation of the situation will impact how you feel, and perhaps how you behave.

If you assume they frowned because they think you are fat or unattractive, then you may feel angry, or sad, or ashamed of your body. You might feel depressed, and you might stop walking as a result.

Alternatively, if you assume that they probably were thinking about something unrelated to you and just randomly frowned while they happened to be looking at you, you might feel neutral, not feel down, and go on with your day and continue walking in that area in the future.

Change How You Think to Change How You Feel

So the idea in CBT is, we identify unhelpful thoughts like "he thinks I'm fat and unattractive" and examine whether that is likely true or not, and even if true, whether it's helpful. We change the thought and practice thinking differently, then ideally we feel better.

But what about when thoughts are really hard to change? We argue with them, but it doesn't really make us feel better. What about when they just won't go away? When we are really down or really anxious, it can feel impossible to change our thoughts or beliefs. Particularly when they are entrenched in feelings of shame, as most of our really difficult stuff often is. Then what do we do?

The energy required to challenge each and every thought we have might feel daunting, or darn near impossible. We might be so tired of fighting our thoughts, we have no energy left for actual things we need to do in our life, that might be equally hard if not harder (like exercising outside when we feel bad about our body, or winded, for example).

"Drop the Rope" - Tug of War with the Monster

A common metaphor used to illustrate the idea of psychological flexibility is the "Tug of War with the Monster" metaphor.

In this metaphor, the monster represents all the uncomfortable internal stuff we try to avoid. Like uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations.

The tug of war and the rope represents a normal seemingly helpful response. I feel uncomfortable with these thoughts, so I will do what I can to avoid them. Examples of avoidance include:

Playing a game on your phone to try to distract yourself from anxious or sad thoughts and emotionsTurning off your alarm clock and not working out because you are too tiredEating when you aren't hungry to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings like sadness or anxietyNot exercising due to not enjoying feeling winded or sweatyNot exercising because you don't want to see yourself in the mirror at the gymNot asking someone out because you are fearful of rejection

The Costs of Avoidance

Unfortunately, avoidance can become pretty problematic. As we often talk about it, it isn't "bad" to eat when you aren't hungry at times, and sometimes it's the most adaptive way to cope with the tools you have or had at the time (think of a kid who can't go anywhere and is experiencing emotional abuse in their home).

However, continued avoidance via emotional eating rarely solves the underlying problem, and especially if there is shame and guilt there, just exacerbates your stress and shame and the cycle repeats itself.

Learning to "Drop the Rope" can be incredibly freeing. It means you don't have to feel perfectly motivated, free of anxiety or zero shame or self-doubt before you can start moving towards what you value.

How to Know What to Move Towards With Supportive Accountability?

It's important to talk about where and how to use these skills. It's interesting, because in the past I led a lot of weight loss groups where we talked about how to apply these skills to weight loss behaviors (e.g., recording calories - which pretty much no one on earth likes to do) and exercise.

I think these skills are essential for living in a world where pain, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and self-doubt are inevitable. Avoidance of those feelings often leads us to live small, disconnected, less meaningful lives.

What Thoughts & Emotions Should I Accept?

However, our culture is weight loss obsessed and what I would not recommend is using these skills in a very diet-y type way. The way we approach weight loss, dieting, and health almost always moves us away from our goal of improved health, not towards it, over the long-term. That is, thinking things like "avoiding foods I crave will just always be hard," or "I'm hungry, but I'm going to wait to eat until later to hopefully lose some weight tomorrow" or "I just have to accept I will always have super strong cravings because I'm out of control with food, there's something wrong with me."

Instead I'd recommend using them to de-fuse from feelings that are inevitable, like "I am anxious about this party because there's a lot of food I really like there and in the past I would binge eat." Dropping the rope in that example means de-fusing from the thought and realizing you don't actually have to get rid of the thought to go to the party and have a good time.

Coping with Uncertainty and Lack of Self-Trust

Very often, people I work with have a lack of trust in themselves that they can "handle" a situation with food. Therefore, they avoid the food, and then eventually just eat all the food in the package so they don't have to deal with the uncertainty of "am I going to finish it" or "am I going to binge eat?"

Typically, if you are still binge eating, you are likely either under-eating or restricting certain foods and that is why you feel compelled to binge. That is, giving yourself true unconditional permission to eat and regularly fueling your body with quality foods, you will likely have reduced desire to binge over time.

But you very likely will still crave certain foods. When I say have psychological flexibility, it might mean being able to identify the difference between a thought like, "I'm really craving this this cookie," and "I feel anxious about having this craving because I don't trust myself around this food."

If you realize you are truly not hungry and decide you don't want to have the food, you can say to yourself, "I can have the thought I HAVE to eat that cookie" and still actively choose not to eat it. Not because it's BAD to eat it, but because you are practicing a skill of psychological flexibility. You are practicing the skill of giving yourself choice.

How Does Intuitive Eating Fit with All of This

I have talked about how Intuitive Eating is helpful to me. I will say that I don't typically have to accept a lot of cravings anymore. That's the magic of Intuitive Eating, when you don't restrict, it isn't as big of a deal to have something or not. When it's allowed, strong cravings decrease substantially over time.

When I talk about support and accountability here, I am mostly talking about using it to apply to other behaviors, like exercising to feel good, and pursuing other things in your life that matter to you. That might be doing more yoga, walking, or connecting with a group of friends who have a similar hobby. It could also be meal prepping so you don't eat out and spend as much money.

The cool thing? You get to decide. And if you are very used to being in a diet focused world, giving yourself the choice and autonomy might just be the freedom that you are actually craving - to focus on living the life that truly matters to you.

Coping with "I Don't Want To" Thoughts

Goal setting is a skill. We set out to do things in our life and we either follow through or not....

Episode 23. In this episode, we are talking ALL about accountability. When you read the title "You Need More Accountability," what did you think? Were you like, "heck yes, I know I do!" or did it make you cringe and sort of resent me? If the latter is true, nice work for hitting play on this episode anyways! That shows willingness to experience discomfort and not to avoid a feeling we don't like. Whether or not accountability sounds like something you can't wait to get more of or truly makes you angry, this episode is for you.

I cover:

Why the right kind of compassionate accountability is key to moving us towards any goalHow our ideas about rugged individualism harm our ability to make progressHow to increase accountability in an effective way, so you don't waste any more time or money on ineffective tools

Want to start from the beginning? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

Meeting Our Big Important Goals

Think about the things you've accomplished in your life. Maybe it's your education or related to parenting. Maybe related to your career. What are some of the things that helped you excel and meet those goals?

Sometimes when I talk to people about developing intrinsic motivation, they get this idea that intrinsic motivation is ideal so they should always want to do the behavior and always feel great about it.

Like, if we work hard enough on your mindset, you will naturally wake up each day wanting to exercise, wanting to eat nourishing foods, and while we are at it, wanting to do all the other tasks you need to do in your day (work, caring for the kids, cleaning, laundry, dishes). You will do them all effortlessly, feel great, and hey, look! We have achieved the optimally motivated intrinsic motivation life.

Autonomous Motivation is More than Just Intrinsic

Autonomous motivation is the type associated with long-term change. Within autonomous motivation are technically three types: identified, integrated, and intrinsic. Identified and integrated are similar, and they are about doing the behavior because it's consistent with your identity and how you want to show up in the world. Intrinsic is the one where you get inherent satisfaction out of the behavior.

So I want you to think about the things in your life that you do that are hard and/or uncomfortable to do. That you maybe do not like or even hate doing. How do you get yourself to do it?

You may not be fully aware of this, but let's take the example of grocery shopping.

Anna is a mother of 3 young boys, and she also works full-time. She is separated from her husband and she has full-time custody. Her mother lives with her and helps out, but isn't very mobile, so Anna is responsible for all the grocery shopping for the family. Anna really hates grocery shopping. She is tired at the end of her workday, and shopping 1-2 times per week and cooking each night is frankly the last thing she wants to do.

But she does it on a regular basis. Whether she's aware of this or not, Anna's strong value is cooking at home for her family. This is how her mother raised her, and it's highly congruent with her identity to do so.

If We Were Truly Intrinsically Motivated for All Behaviors Consistent With Our Values, We Would Not Need Accountability

But the reality is, if you value growth and pursuing meaning in your life, you are not going to be intrinsically motivated to do everything you do on a daily basis. That just does not make sense.

If you buy into the BS messages we are fed by the media: "Just follow our plan and lose weight effortlessly! Never feel hungry again!" then you might believe that getting to a truly intrinsic place for eating and exercise is possible.

I believe getting to a much more intrinsic motivation place with eating and exercise is VERY possible. Getting out of the diet mentality and shame and shoulds is essential, and you know what helps with that? Support and accountability.

Support and accountability helps to uncover things we are ashamed about, remind us consistently we are not alone in this struggle, that it's a common struggle, and a new way of relating to our bodies is possible.

Support and accountability also can help us show up to the discomfort that we may be avoiding when we eat when we aren't hungry or diet to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Why Am I Not More Motivated to Take Care of Myself?

I hear this all the time. People like Anna gets frustrated with herself that she isn't "more motivated" to care for herself. When most outsiders can see that she has a heck of a lot going on. While Anna might think she "should" do cardio and strength training, she has a hard time finding the time and has a hard time getting started because exercise causes a lot of pain for her.

Supportive, non-judgmental accountability can be incredibly helpful for behaviors we want to do but are currently very uncomfortable to do. For Anna, she knows walking and strength training will eventually lead her to goals of better health, reduced joint pain, and improved overall well-being.

However, walking means dealing with the discomfort of having the thoughts "I don't want to," and "Why aren't you more motivated" (shame-based thoughts) and also the discomfort of doing it even though she is tired and even though it causes some pain and she feels winded (which trigger more shame-based thoughts about her body).

Enter Supportive Accountability

Moving towards regular participation in behaviors we value that aren't enjoyable requires external accountability. But when you choose accountability that is compassionate, non-judging, and non-shaming, it moves Anna towards gradually doing more, feeling proud of herself, gradually having less pain and windedness.

Perhaps eventually, she even learns to enjoy the activity, i.e., the prized internal motivation. Either way, her support structure helped her get there, and now regular walking is part of her identity.

Accountability Can Mean Looking at Your Beliefs Differently, Too

Frankly, sometimes accountability means looking at everything on her plate and looking at ways to work smarter, not harder. We have rigid ideas about what we all "should" do in our lives and need help with. Maybe Anna can ask for help from a friend or family member, do grocery delivery, or maybe just allow the older boy to watch the younger two boys and order them takeout while she goes on a walk.

Examples of Supportive Accountability

There are many different ways to do this. You can find or create a community online, like a free Facebook group, where all members agree to post their goals and check-in with one another. Or you could create a smaller 1-to-1 check in each week via a Zoom call with 3-4 people where everyone states their goals for the week, maybe writes them in a shared google doc, and checks in the following week on how things are going.

I have done this for almost all behaviors I really want to increase. Here are my examples:

I wanted to run regularly after college, and I ran with a running partner.When I moved, I found a running group.When I wanted to do at home exercise, I had an online accountability group, where I would post at 8:00 pm the night before, "I am getting up at 5:30 am, having coffee and doing a 30-minute workout at 6:00 am, I will post a sweaty selfie right when I'm done." Prior to this group, I strongly believed that "there is no way I can exercise at home or in the morning, I just won't do it." Don't underestimate the power of real-time accountability, my friends.Currently, I have business accountability groups. I check in regularly with others who are creating online programs and working to make their businesses more efficient and have a greater impact. These groups push me beyond my comfort zone. They believe in me, and I tell them what I plan to do, then I make darn well sure I do it.I wanted to do yoga for 21 days in a row recently, so I told the members of the Body Respect Program I was doing that. I knew that was a big goal for me, and I wanted to be accountable to more than just myself.

Wanna Take a Walk with Me?

Have you taken a walk with me yet? Maybe you listen to this podcast on a walk, but how about listening to a guided audio all about shifting your motivation from an external diet mentality to internal empowered changes and respecting your body. Download my free 10-minute audio, pop your earbuds in, and take a walk with yours truly today!

Top Ways to Get Effective Non-Shaming Accountability

Join or create an online community. I'm sure one exists, but if you want to make sure it isn't filled with diet mentality hustle push encouragements, then create your own. Or join The Body Respect Program when it opens enrollment again in the fall!Recruit your family members or friends. You only need one person to show up consistently with you. If they aren't in your home, make a standing Zoom call, create a shared google doc, and start setting your goals and checking in on your progress.Find a health professional to check in with regularly. If you haven't established a primary care physician, do that. Look online for reviews for providers who aren't weight centric and who are willing to work with you to achieve health from the inside out.Look for a fitness-related or other community where you feel seen, heard, and valued. There are many fitness communities online or general communities looking to support individuals with diverse bodies. Find one. I've heard good things about Joyn.com and if you like another one, let me know so I can share it!

...

Episode 22. In this episode I dive into the topic of support. We will cover why you more than likely need more support, what type of support you need, and how to go about getting that support. We will talk about how having people around versus truly utilizing your support system effectively is very different, and how to make shifts in this area that truly move you forward in a positive direction.

Want to start from the beginning? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

Do You Have Enough Support?

At my previous job, I did pre-surgical psychological evaluations for people looking to have bariatric surgery, or weight loss surgery. I would ask every person about their support system, including asking about people they have for emotional support (e.g., someone they can talk to openly if they are sad, scared, ashamed, etc) as well as logistical support (e.g., who do you have that can help you out as you recover).

I would ask them the simple question, "Do you feel you have enough support?"

Most people would tell me that yes, in fact, they did. Or they might say, "I rely on myself only" or "I don't need that much support."

Other times, they would say they had enough support, but perhaps later if I saw them for another visit, they might admit: "Well, I have people who care about me, but I rarely tell them how I'm truly doing." Or on the flip side, they would share that in fact while they had people in their life that expressed caring for them, these people would also make very food policing and weight biased comments that would ultimately lead the person down a trajectory of body shame.

Shame and Fear of Rejection

Fears of not belonging, fears of failure, and being rejected by others, is a universal struggle. If you have this struggle, it has nothing to do with something being "wrong" with you, and everything to do with you being a human being.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "They wont get it," or "I don't want to bother anyone," or "I don't want to be a burden" or "be too negative", I'd be a rich woman.

Here's the thing. When people come to you with pressure that you need to fix their shame, yes it can be a burden. OR, when you endlessly complain about surface level things, or tell someone over and over that you are stressed about hating your body, or various surface level worries or anxieties that actually aren't what's truly bothering you, it can be ineffective and over time can become draining.

But that isn't really what you need support for, and it isn't really what it's about. Underneath all the diet and calorie obsession, or the random worry about minute details, or your unhealthy relationship patterns or other symptom level stuff, is your underlying stuff. Your human being core stuff that we ALL HAVE. Fears of failure. Fears of discomfort and your "negative emotions," fears of not belonging, and your self-doubt.

That's what you need support for. And that's where you relate to other humans. When you share that stuff with the right people who are emotionally mature enough to realize that they don't need to fix it, and that just empathy and understanding is all you need, that's where the magic happens, where you feel supported, and when you can truly start to move through your stuff and thrive.

Wanna Take a Walk with Me?

Have you taken a walk with me yet? Maybe you listen to this podcast on a walk but how about listening to a guided audio all about shifting your motivation from external diet mentality to internal empowered changes and respecting your body. Download my free 10 minute audio, pop your ear buds in, and take a walk with yours truly today!

Why Does Support Matter So Darn Much?

Let's go back to our motivation types, shall we? Remember how we ideally want to shift and move towards internal motivation, towards the types called identified, integrated and intrinsic. These types mean that you are doing the behavior (lets use exercise as the example) because you personally value it, it's congruent with your identity, and/or you enjoy it or get satisfaction from it (e.g., it's fun, exciting, challenging, interesting, etc).

Unfortunately, it isn't usually as simple as just saying to yourself "Ok, I'm going to start exercising to take great care of myself now instead of using it as a punishment and a way to burn calories." It usually takes time to remove the layers of guilt and shame that are so often tied up with eating and exercise behaviors in particularly, so that we can learn to enjoy them or at least learn to feel competent we can do them consistently.

It takes time to identify how you actually want to feel, see that it's possible by surrounding yourself with people who are taking a similar approach, and gradually shifting that way yourself with time and practice.

In community support you can celebrate small wins, express frustrations and emotions that are coming up and achieve a sense of belonging as you work towards your goals, whether that is relationship with food, or otherwise.

So How Do We Make Healthy Habits More Internally Motivated?

There are three key psychological needs that facilitate long-term habit change, and essential thriving human beings. Those needs are:

Autonomy: Freedom from excessive pressure to behavior in a certain way, "I have choice."Competence: Feeling that you can accomplish what you set out to do, feeling effective, "I got this."Relatedness: The need to feel that one belongs and is connected with others, "I belong here"

When we feel seen and valued for who we truly are, that's when the magic "motivation" happens. We start to realize, yeah we have stuff we are ashamed of, and we have fears and self-doubts and fears of rejection and failure, because that's part of the human experience.

There isn't anything wrong with us, we can accept and appreciate ourselves for who we are. From there, we can pursue any and all goals and dreams in a way more effective place, because we realize we are enough just as we are, AND we can continue to strive towards what matters to us.

Example: How to Learn Intuitive Eating

Intuitive eating and mindful eating as I've talked about again and again, can be an excellent way to move away from shoulds and towards figuring out a way of eating that is non-restrictive and feels good for you and your body.

It is a process and there isn't a step by step guide that fits for every human. That's why have a group of people working towards the similar goal is so helpful. In my Body Respect Program, or any other other community, you can work towards learning new ways of relating to yourself, unlearning things, seeing others succeed and seeing their struggle. The constant reminder that you are not alone, helps you continue along the path to more feelings of effectiveness and empowerment.

How To Guide to Get More of the Right Support

There are many different types of support, and in many ways, it's never been easier to curate a support system thanks to the internet. So lets dive into some practical steps you can take now to move towards garnering a more robust support network and moving more quickly towards your most important goals.

Improve Connection with Existing Supports. All of us have people in our lives that care for us but we aren't feeling fully supported by. Often, this is because we have not clearly communicated our needs in a calm, assertive manner. Assertive communication is a skill that can be learned and improved. It is not confrontation or aggression. It is communicating our needs clearly, respecting ourselves AND respecting the other person. It can be as simple as, "I really would like help with cleaning the house," to "When you make comments about what I eat, I feel even worse about myself. It would be most helpful if you could not say anything." It may also be related to emotional support, such as "when I'm sad, I really need you to just give me a hug or listen, please don't try to fix it." It's useful to give the person the benefit of the doubt here by saying something like, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me," or "I never told you this was unhelpful until now, so you wouldn't have known. Now you do." It is NOT blaming them, just stating facts and telling them clearly what they can do to help you out.Set Clear Boundaries with Support that Drains You. If you have clearly communicated your needs and the person is not willing and/or capable of change, it's time to set some boundaries. Sometimes, that means ending a relationship or spending less time with someone. Other times, it means saying "when you make comments like that, I'm going to leave the room or hang up the phone." Then you must follow through. Try to do so calmly, but it's also important that if you choose to remain in a relationship with someone who hurts you, you need a plan to cope effectively with your emotions after the hurtful experience. If you have a mom who continues to talk about your weight, you might choose to call her on a schedule, and calmly tell you you are hanging up if she makes those types of comments. Then after the call, make sure you journal, talk a walk, or call a friend to move through the emotions that the call brought up for you (e.g., anger, sadness, loss) so that you are not victim to the continued stress.Build New Connections. It's never been easier to find people you connect with. The internet and social media is a very unhelpful place in many ways, and yet, there's a lot of good there. Between Facebook and Facebook groups, Instagram, Tik Tok (I don't do this one yet), and many more,...

Episode 21. This week I talk to Marie-Pier Pitre-D'Iorio, RD, B.SC. Marie-Pier is an anti-diet Registered Dietitian with a B.Sc. in Psychology and the founder of The Balanced Dietitian. She is passionate about helping folx discover how to nourish their bodies without guilt, shame or restrictions. She strives to provide evidence-based nutrition interventions to all her clients and support them in their recovery journeys. She is the host of The Balanced Dietitian Podcast where she provides listeners a different approach to nutrition. She also has an amazing group program that can be found here!

Marie's Journey

Marie-Pier talks about her experience with developing an eating disorder and process of her recovery. She talks about her experience with more standard eating disorder treatment, and how there was little connection or discussion around how her thoughts and beliefs about food and her body impacted her emotions, self-worth and overall feelings about herself.

This prompted her to pursue a career in dietetics where she eventually learned about anti-diet approaches, diet culture and started to apply that to the work she did with clients as well as her own personal journey and experience of herself.

She's got some great takeaways so make sure you stay to the end to hear those!

Wanna Take a Walk with Me?

Have you taken a walk with me yet? Maybe you listen to this podcast on a walk but how about listening to a guided audio all about shifting your motivation from external diet mentality to internal empowered changes and respecting your body. Download my free 10 minute audio, pop your ear buds in, and take a walk with yours truly today!

Nutrition Training Within Diet Culture

Marie talks about her experience going through nutrition education within diet culture and our more standard weight centric model. She talks about how she had the thoughts "I can't be a fat dietitian" and the fact that restoring her weight to a "healthy weight" was good, but how feelings of control creeped in in thinking, "I can't gain too much weight."

She graduated from school and still wasn't fully on board with the anti-diet movement and looking back, she believes at times she was causing more harm that good in helping people move towards weight loss.

She reflects on the incoherence between the messages of what we tell people in larger bodies (you should lose weight) versus those in smaller bodies (you must gain weight) and how she also started to realize that if she holds these standards for others that your body must fit into a certain mold of what is "good" then she will never be set free.

Becoming a Bright Light

Marie stated that the way she shows up in the world today is as such a bright light, and reflecting back on how different that is from the way she used to be. I didn't know her then, but I completely agree her energy comes through the screen in talking to her. She is so passionate about what she does and that is why I highly recommend you all follow her on Instagram to see for yourself.

Building Internal Cues with Helpful Boundaries

Marie discusses a period of time when she was in recovery from her eating disorder where she would go to family parties and have her husband put his hand on her arm to remind her to tune in to her body. We talked about the difference between autonomy of behavior, versus being controlled and how only the person truly knows.

We talked about the fact that you don't go from a lifetime of dieting to the next day tuning in to your intuition, and how it's okay and normal to stumble, but how it's also ok and normal to notice and ask for boundaries and supports along the way.

This might mean asking a support person to help you tune in to your body when you are out of sync, or to keep certain foods out of the home for a particularly period of time. This is going to be incredibly individual for different people and it's hard because it requires continued trust in yourself, working on things, learning what works and what doesn't, and making adjustments.

Marie says, "There's no wrong way to tune in to your intuition."

Reflecting on the Healing Process

Marie shares the timeline for her healing and how it was a gradual process that too time and work. She shares that "the healing process is not an easy process. BUT, it's very worth it."

She talks about how many people go about life living with a dim light, and how different the way she shows up now is from her former self.

Helpful Tips & Takeaways

Marie talked about some of the things that were most helpful to her in her recovery journey. These included:

No longer weighing herself. Marie shares that she does not weigh herself at all and has not done so in 4 years, and low and behold, she's doing just fine and happier than ever! Stop calorie counting. She had to be honest with herself that she wasn't just curious about calories and delete the calorie apps from her phone.Doing her own emotional work. As she learned to no longer hyper focus on her body and avoid the other emotions in her life, she had to face what the true concerns were for her in her life. She talked about the experience of viewing her eating disorder as a symptom, not the cause and how this freed her up to make the necessary shifts in how she relates to her emotions, and to herself.Unpacking diet culture. She talked about how over time, truly understanding what diet culture is, how it is impacting her and the women in her life was really powerful. She stated that she realized over time and learning that she can choose to drop out and no longer believe the things she used to believe, and that this was empowering. All bodies are good. Another theme that came out in our discussion is the idea that she believes that all people and bodies are good and therefore, this should apply to hers too. This brings up an interesting a relevant point that is crucial to examine. Body shame and weight bias and diet culture and narrow views of what "healthy" means negatively impacts all of us, even if we fall into the image of what health is "supposed to be." As Marie said above, if she holds these standards for others, she will never be truly set free.

Connect with Marie-Pier

I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did! I truly appreciate Marie's contributions to the world and I'm so glad she's showing up as the bright light that she is.

Marie has an excellent podcast called The Balanced Dietitian Podcast and is super fun to follow on Instagram. Connect with her today and let her know you appreciated this conversation!

Don’t Forget Your Freebie!

Grab my free 10 minute fun evidence-based guided audio now to get a boost of support from me talking over music!

Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.

Episode 18. Today I sit down with Brianna Wilkerson to discuss her health journey and her relationship with food.

Brianna Wilkerson is a Holistic Health and Life Coach, wife and momma, chai tea lover and at-home crossfitter. She helps women find peace with food, feel confident in their bodies again, and develop a healthy lifestyle that’s more than just about their weight. You’ll leave sessions with her feeling supported and empowered to make simple, sustainable changes that work and fit into your life. 

She is also an Essential Oils Advocate for doTERRA Essential Oils and loves helping women to use essential oils in simple, fun and effective ways for their health, home and family. You’ll leave her essential oils classes and consultations feeling excited and empowered to use essential oils in your daily life.You can find Brianna hanging out in the More Than Your Weight Women’s Community, on her Facebook Page or Instagram!

Did you grab your freebie??

Grab my free fun 10 minute audio that helps you reclaim exercise from a "should" to a "want to?"

Brianna's Background - A Way to Feel in Control

She talked about losing weight without necessarily trying to in high school due to playing 3 sports and eating differently, and then getting comments about how good she looked.

She talked about how she noticed that when she looks a certain way, she belonged, and is valued and was seen

Starting 3 sports in high school and started losing weight. She described feeling "I belong, I'm valued, and I'm seen." She stated that she is from the Cayman islands and they experienced a hurricane and experienced a lot of change, and focused on what she can control: eating, exercise, and performance in school.

She stated that she lived in the Cayman Islands and they were hit by a major hurricane which caused a lot of change and transition. She described feeling out of control at that time, and focusing on her eating, exercise, and her school performance in school.

Food as Comfort

She stated that a few years later food became something she went to for comfort. And regained all of the weight she had lost as well as a lot of shame and guilt. She noticed starting the dieting cycle for many years in attempts to fix feelings of shame.

She stated that an important shift was to re-connect with her faith and find her worth and her value in things that were not food or body related.

Finding Peace with Food and her Body

She stated that she did eventually lost weight and maintained that weight loss for 7 years prior to having her daughter recently. However, she noted that she was not trying to lose weight, but was really taking a wholistic approach to how she approaches her body and self-care, versus focusing on the number on the scale.

Anchoring in an Immovable Truth

Brianna talks about the importance of anchoring herself in an immovable truth. For Brianna, she stated that this was related to her faith and realizing that "I created by this God" and "there was no mistake in me." She describes reflecting on this fact and this truth and the fact that others in her life believe this, and questioning why she did not. And eventually moving towards believing that truth that does not change based on what you achieve or don't achieve.

We related to this the idea of unconditional self-worth.

Broadening Health Beyond Just Physical Health

She talked about how important it was for her to take a broader view of health, beyond just physical health. She talked about paying attention to personal development, career development, her spiritual growth, and reminding her of her value beyond her physical body.

Books Brianna is Reading

She is currently reading Intuitive Eating and finding it really helpful to remind her of some core concepts and refocus on connecting with her true hunger skills.

She is also reading When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies which talks about how women often displace feelings and emotions they need to process just on their bodies. When it really isn't about their bodies at all.

The Concept of Primary Food

Brianna studied health coaching at Institute for Integrative Nutrition and stated that they talk about a concept called Primary Food was is related to the idea that "what primarily feeds us isn't always on our plate."

There is a lot to be gained when we broaden the view of health to include much more than our weight, and even our habits, including career, relationships, life purpose, hobbies, and self improvement.

Again, broadening the view of health beyond weight is key.

The Role of Shame and Guilt

She talked about her experiences with shame and guilt and feeling not enough and how they were primarily driven by internalized societal pressures, along with some comments about weight gain. She also noted that she found herself comparing her body to other women and to herself, and how unhelpful this was at the time.

Looking to the West for the Ideal Beauty Standard

She talked about the pressures to be smaller, with curves, and having straight hair.

She stated that growing up in the Cayman Islands, they were often looking at the Western European standard.

She talked about how the BMI category was unhelpful and how accepting body diversity and her own unique genetic blueprint was useful to her.

Really Becoming Aware of her Thoughts and Beliefs

She talked about the importance of being really open and honest with her true thoughts about herself and how key that is so that these thoughts come into awareness.

"I'm so tired of disliking my body despite the miraculous thing it just did." (having a baby recently)

"I'm going to choose to love my body no matter what size, shape, and scale number it's at."

She talked about how she uses affirmations to improve self-talk.

If we are believing we don't belong, we will find proof of that, all over.

Autonomous Love of Learning

Brianna talked about her love of reading and learning and her inherent drive to continue to learn and grow. She described feeling more like herself when she is continuing to learn and grow.

Connect with Brianna

You can find Brianna's Free Food Freedom Journal here, and her main website here.

Takeaway Messages

Themes from this discussion, in terms of things that were most helpful for Brianna include:

Overcontrolling food and our bodies often backfires. Whether it's controlling eating and losing weight or emotional eating, dieting and unhealthy weight loss can and often is a way to defend against feeling out of control (e.g., in response to a hurricane or other major life change) and against guilt or shame.Body shame and unhelpful media messages about what is good or healthy is unhelpful for all of us, and noticing an uncoupling from those messages is really essential.Anchoring in an immovable truth about her worth, regardless of her weight and what she accomplishes, was key. For Brianna, this is related to her faith in God, but she stated that regardless of what that is, finding a way to notice when you don't believe that, and shift towards unconditional self-worth is key for moving towards wholistic health.We must broaden our view of health to include not only physical health and what we eat and how we move, but also other areas of our well-being including spiritual health, relationships, career, and personal development. That is, "what primarily feeds us isn't just on our plates."Let's help our bodies thrive, and know that physical health can fuel other areas of our lives and vice versa, it's all connected.Stop the shaming on all sides. We talk about the polarization in the health space and how unhelpful it is in moving towards productive change for individuals and productive conversations among health professionals.

Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.

Episode 19. In this 3rd post of the Intuitive Eating series, we bring it all together. We ask and answer the most frequently asked questions I get about Intuitive Eating.

We Will Cover:

Why isn't Intuitive Eating talked about more if it's so helpful?Can Intuitive Eating ever lead to weight loss? How it's essential to avoid "towing the line" like I did for yearsHow to move towards autonomy and choice

But first, did you grab my free guide yet? In the moments when you have a strong desire to eat to cope with emotions, it can feel almost impossible to do something else. I created this guide for those moments. It lists several different options for things to do instead of eating. It's all about choice, increasing confidence, and therefore feelings of empowerment. Grab it for free here for quick and simple options right at your fingertips (with links, most 100% free) for those difficult moments.

Why isn't Intuitive Eating talked about more widely if it's so helpful?

Intuitive Eating has been around for over 20 years and does have good evidence to support it in terms of improving health, yet is not widely adopted or discussed as an option, particularly in the medical community. Why is this?

Intuitive Eating suggests we need to give up all efforts for intentional weight loss in order to truly get in touch with internal hunger/fullness signals and make peace with food. The reality is, there is a lot of pressure from almost everywhere we look that we need to "get weight off quickly", and this approach does not and will not promise that.

Additionally, many health professionals still believe that weight loss is the best way to improve health (aka, based on the weight-centric model) and therefore want to offer an approach (like portion control, calorie counting, reducing intake) that is more likely to result in "results" (typically, weight loss).

Do I have to give up on weight loss completely if I pursue an Intuitive Eating approach? Or can I benefit from Intuitive Eating principles while still wanting to lose weight?

This is the million dollar question, and an incredibly tricky one to answer.

In general, while actively pursuing an Intuitive Eating approach and focusing on healing a very strained relationship with food (this is common among longstanding chronic dieters or someone with an eating disorder history) it is very often (if not always) incompatible with actively trying to lose weight.

That is, if you are frequently checking your weight and/or actively restricting what you are eating (eating less intentionally, avoiding foods intentionally) this will almost always undermine the process of re-learning to trust your body again.

That said, I think there are still benefits to many of the principles on their own, but focusing on part and not the whole picture could leave you feeling like you are spinning your wheels a bit.

It's essential to be honest with yourself about WHY you are making the choices you are making, and that can help you uncover whether desire for weight loss is undermining your ability to make a given choice.

Can Intuitive Eating ever lead to weight loss?

I think a lot of people are hesitant to answer this question, rightfully so. They don't want to trigger people towards more disorder and/or undermine people's ability to achieve an improved relationship with food because they are still secretly (or not so secretly) hoping for weight loss.

However, I believe in informed choice which means explaining what I've seen occur in the research and then with individuals.

I have seen people lose weight after they've developed a more intuitive relationship with food and/or followed the Intuitive Eating model. This isn't guaranteed, and I personally haven't seen it occur quickly.

The thing I see people do most often (and I myself did for many years) is try to get more in touch with internal signals while also trying to lose weight. I don't believe this is impossible to do, but I believe it's very tricky.

I like many, found that I only truly felt free of binge eating when I truly stopped trying to control my weight. I did gradually lose weight years later and I feel healthier than ever, but it was definitely not effortful at all. It's hard to capture how much the role of stress played in my transformation, but I imagine that not stressing about calories or weight (which is the most freeing feeling in the world, btw) has a significant impact on my health over time.

Be Careful of Towing the Line

If you are going to take an Intuitive Eating approach, it's important to be honest with yourself about your intentions and goals. As I said, I towed the line for years of trying to become more in tune with my hunger and fullness while also making "lifestyle changes" but really, I was still dieting. That is, I was still turning to external guides to tell me what my body needed, and I was still aiming for a calorie amount (like 1200-1800 calories per day) which was setting me up for binge eating.

Only once I read Intuitive Eating and finally was like ok, I'm going for it, and I'm going to stop worrying about my darn weight, did I achieve peace with food and control over my eating.

You Are In It for the Long Game

I know this isn't the most exciting thing to hear (who doesn't like the promise of quick results!?), but I'm here to be honest with you, not sugar coat things.

Improving our relationship with food and our bodies often takes work and time. But not ineffective work like diet-culture tells us. Not the "no pain no gain" approach.

It takes working smarter, and consistently, towards listening to our bodies, respecting them and learning to trust and take great care of them again.

I've been referencing this graph often lately. This is from James Clear's book Atomic Habits on the Power of Latent Potential.

When we put in consistent action over time, we of course want to see "results." Often we look to weight loss, but any type of results are good to see.

I think one thing that is helpful is to re-define what we think of as results. Like, with an Intuitive Eating approach, if you are fueling your body regularly, you will likely see a reduction in binge eating and/or emotional eating. That's a nice result. Or you may notice you are more focused and engaged in other aspects of your life when you aren't so obsessed with foods an your body.

These results are less measurable, but so incredibly important.

The Most Important Things to Know

Whether you follow the Intuitive Eating approach or not, here are the main takeaways that I've seen be most useful in myself and others:

1. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Consistent active and continual improvement over time is what gets us to our goals. Overnight success is a myth, and usually preceded by a lot of consistent work and action. Look at areas of your life where you have seen success... did it happen overnight? Diet-culture tells us weight loss should be instant, and we are desperate for that feeling of relief that weight loss programs promise us. That's 100% normal, and yet, so many people I've worked with find that either the programs don't work long-term and/or they actually aren't that much happier when they are at a lower weight.

2. You are so much more than your weight.

I know this is hard to wrap your head around. Our culture is incredibly cruel and judgmental about weight and body size. And yet, you deserve love, acceptance, and good things now, regardless of what your weight does. You deserve to live your life now, and not wait until... you are worth it and engaging in the world from a place of worthiness is a great idea for you and everyone around you.

3. Move towards autonomy regardless.

Autonomy means freedom of choice without excessive pressure. We can give ourselves this by saying "Ok self, you have a choice, you can keep focusing on weight loss or you can try a new approach, what option do you want." And you want to work to truly not pressure yourself either way. Finding health professionals who support your autonomy as well is also key. They should give you informed choice and all pros and cons, but you are in the driver's seat to determine the course of action that works best for you.

4. This is personal and nuanced.

Like anything related to health, eating and weight, this is personal and nuanced. I think Intuitive Eating and mindful eating are great, AND, they may not be the perfect fit for you and your body right now. You are the expect on you, even if it does not feel like it. Even if you have lost trust in yourself. You can regain that trust. Intuitive Eating may help, but regardless of the approach you choose, try to view each step as a learning experience. And please make sure you ask for support along the way.

More Examples of Autonomous Motivation

Want more examples of what I mean by autonomous motivation. See examples below.

The first is types of motivation for the behavior of eating a salad for lunch. The motivation types in the red circle are external, the types in the green circle are internal.

And just in case you think I'm saying you should have a salad for lunch, I promise I'm not. Pressuring people to do anything is unhelpful. So just as one more example, let's look at one more example with another behavior of "choosing not to plan your meals on a given week" and potential reasons for this.

Autonomy is Key

Again, Intuitive Eating and Mindful Eating are great, and certainly offer an option to move many people towards autonomy. Either way, I know you can move away from shoulds and towards autonomy for your health and I'm excited for you because the freedom and joy there is really incredible and you deserve that.

Did you grab your freebie yet?

To increase feelings of competence that we can handle our emotions without food, we often need options....

Episode 18. Have you heard of Intuitive Eating? I gave an overview in my first post and episode in this series.

But first, did you grab my free guide yet? In the moments when you have a strong desire to eat to cope with emotions, it can feel almost impossible to do something else. I created this guide for those moments. It lists several different options for things to do instead of eating. It's all about choice, increasing confidence, and therefore feelings of empowerment. Grab it for free here for quick and simple options right at your fingertips (with links, most 100% free) for those difficult moments.

Intuitive Eating Review

Intuitive eaters do not restrict themselves for the purpose of weight loss. They honor their hunger and fullness signals and they are most certainly not on a diet.

Sounds nice, right? Or maybe for some, initial thoughts may be that it sounds impossible, irresponsible, or even scary.

Research suggests that Intuitive Eating is helpful for many people. This is particularly true if you have struggled with chronic dieting, weight cycling, and/or an eating disorder. This approach can be incredibly empowering after a lifetime of tracking everything that goes in your mouth, or feeling guilty when you are not.

That said, we are all individual and unique. For that reason alone, the Intuitive Eating approach may not right for everyone. In this post and episode we will cover:

Some objections or concerns people have about Intuitive EatingSome reasons Intuitive Eating might not be more widely promoted, including objections from the medical community7 ways you can utilize wisdom from Intuitive Eating regardless of the approach you take

Questions and Concerns about Intuitive Eating

Some of the questions and concerns I often hear about Intuitive Eating include:

Can everyone get to a place of true intuitive eating in our food environment? Or could this paradigm set some people in some environments up for significant weight gain, since hyperpalatable foods are so readily available?How do eating preferences play into this? If you hate vegetables, will this approach really allow you to reclaim an eating pattern that optimizes your health?Are there other times when an Intuitive Eating approach wouldn't be the best option, like times when someone is incredibly stressed, for example?What populations has Intuitive Eating been studied in?

Today we will dive into some of these questions, but I'll warn you right now I don't have all the answers. I, like you, am growing learning and changing all of the time. The important thing to consider as you listen or read is that you get to decide which approach makes you feel empowered and feels useful to you right now. You can get guidance, but you are the deciding factor. You know what's best for you.

Individual Objections to Intuitive Eating

I often discuss Intuitive Eating with people I work with 1-on-1 or in groups. There are a number of concerns and objections that come up, including:

"I need to start losing weight now."

The Intuitive Eating approach is very clear: quick weight loss is not the goal.

I will talk in my next post (Part 3 of 3) about the fact that over the long-term (over years, not weeks), an Intuitive Eating approach can lead to weight loss at least for some. Additionally, I have heard of and worked with folks who describe feeling autonomous in their motivation and experiencing some weight loss, who are arguably doing several of the principles with Intuitive Eating. The tricky thing is, as Intuitive Eating talks about, if you are doing it just hoping that it will lead to weight loss, it can and does very often undermine the process of returning to Intuitive Eating.

Bottom line: Most of the research would suggest that if quick weight loss is your most important goal, the Intuitive Eating approach is probably not the best option. The good news is, Intuitive Eating will always be around and can be considered down the road. Again, you get to choose.

"I need more structure."

Intuitive Eating by design is relatively unstructured. At times, for people who have been dieting their whole life, this can be exciting. For others, it can be quite scary.

Depending on the person, there are some rules or limits that can feel helpful, not restrictive. For example, some people find it simpler to stay away from sweets, or like the accountability and awareness that comes with keeping a journal (maybe tracking hunger and habits versus nutrition information, for example). If it provides a sense of confidence and usefulness, versus deprivation, then there is nothing inherently bad about that.

Others with eating patterns that are so irregular and all over the place, may also struggle with the idea of "unconditional permission to eat". Establishing a plan for the day or the week, perhaps including portion sizes, can provide a sense of structure that can help people get back on a path towards a healthy relationship with food.

Having a plan for your eating or putting boundaries around it is not necessarily incompatible with Intuitive Eating, but some people want more structure than the Intuitive Eating approach or just reading the book can provide, and that is perfectly okay.

"I am too scared to give myself unconditional permission to eat. I will just eat a ton of junk."

Lack of trust in your body and its signals is often a product of following a lifetime of rules about what one "should" eat. This lack of trust may also be related to a history of eating the food that makes up the standard American diet (lots of processed foods with excess fat, sugar and salt added).

This belief (i.e., "I cannot control myself without a diet plan") can gradually be un-learned with an Intuitive Eating approach, but it takes time and patience. However, as I will discuss below, there is some concern about using an Intuitive Eating approach if you are constantly surrounded by tempting foods and have limited access to healthy foods. As discussed below, I think we frankly need to study and understand this more thoroughly to really know how this approach works in a wide variety of people.

If this is the case, it does not mean that Intuitive Eating won't be useful to you, but some other changes to your environment might also be helpful for long-term success.

Some Objections to Intuitive Eating

Intuitive Eating has been around since the book was written in 1995, yet you are not very likely to hear about this approach at your doctor's office.

Common Concerns or Objections Have Included:

1. Intuitive Eating does not typically produce fast, visible results.

The Western medical model is typically focused on immediate measurable outcomes. They are much more impressed if you can show a 20 lb weight loss, versus an increased score on a questionnaire that says you feel more at peace with food.

This is not to discount the health benefits that can occur down the road, but again, our medical community typically loves quick results, not months or years in the future.

2. The objection that not focusing on weight loss may not be in the best interest of all.

This one is incredibly controversial.

Although most researchers agree that there is benefit to reducing weight stigma and widening our idea of what a healthy body can look like, concerns have been raised that abandoning weight loss efforts may be harmful for some (Penny & Kirk, 2015; Sainsbury & Hay, 2014).

Concerns include the benefits of modest weight losses (e.g., 5-10% of initial weight) that are maintained, that could be missed if weight loss is no longer a goal. Additionally, skeptics have noted that many of the studies conducted about Intuitive Eating have had limited sample sizes, and are primarily done with women with disordered eating, and/or individuals in the overweight or Class I obesity range (BMI 30-35 kg/m2). Therefore, results may or may not apply to individuals of higher weights or more diverse groups (Penny & Kirk, 2015).

Other concerns include the fact that our weight "set point" (the weight our body naturally tries to maintain) can gradually go up, and may become harder to lower the longer we maintain a higher weight (Sainsbury & Hay, 2014). That is, if we ignore significant amounts of weight gain, we may be making it much harder for our bodies to achieve optimal health in the future.

3. There are too many things in our environment besides hunger than encourage us to eat. Therefore, Intuitive Eating could potentially set us up for weight gain.

Based on the existing research, this does not seem to be the case. In that the non-diet interventions tended to result in weight maintenance and improve health outcomes (Bacon, Stern, Van Loan, Keim, 2005). But as mentioned above, sample sizes have been limited and so we cannot rule this out. Additionally, I have heard anecdotal stories of this occurring, but not in people I've worked with directly (most people I work with who take an Intuitive Eating approach tend to on average maintain a similar weight, give or take a handful of pounds).

There are obviously many other things that make us eat even when we aren't hungry.

Food companies know what they are doing when they design our foods. They certainly aren't adding the perfect combination of fat, salt, and sugar by accident.

Changing our food environment is not necessarily incompatible with an Intuitive Eating approach, but the idea that our bodies can regulate our food intake naturally in any food environment is certainly something that should be questioned and has not been thoroughly studied.

Even if we work to be aware of our hunger and fullness, many of us will want to take additional steps to improve our food environments, like removing or limiting tempting foods in the home. This isn't inconsistent with an Intuitive Eating model per se, but not something suggested in an outright manner. Likely,...