The Paternity Test

Context alert!! This episode was originally recorded back in mid-June, during the height of the BLM protests. It's been held up in the works for various reasons, but we think it's pretty good and worth a listen. It involves diarrhea, so what's not to like!

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Episode 64 Part 2: Artesianal Quarantine Caramel

The Dads continue to discuss their quarantine survival tactics, from moving woodpiles to Todd’s craft caramel and mask making. 80’s corporal punishment comes up - remember the paddle? Dave goes to the dump - perhaps to dig up some ET cartridges. Delicious Southern Restoration rat wrap recipes are shared, and tv gets so great that good isn’t worth watching anymore!

Tune in now to the podcast where everyone generally knows some portion of your name!

We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Episode 64 Part 1: People or No People

All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do!

Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they’re trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time purgatory that is social distancing.

Matt and Viva have a new game fit for the apocalypse, Joel antagonizes the other dads with good weather reports and bad death tolls, Dave tries not screw up in front of his wife when he’s ALWAYS in front of his wife, and Todd contemplates tuckering Ellie out by forcing her to dig an in-ground trampoline. You know, family stuff.

We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

The Dads are back? The Dads are back!

And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers!

Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods).

They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a tired Dr. Strange) but they're here.

Todd has a teenage girl at home who is a sulking rage machine, and Matt has little kid who is very concerned about the health and welfare of former Beatles.

And Mover Scott shares details on the making of "10-4", the Movers tenth album, his recent health scare, and the Movers concert March 30th in Chicago!

Get the Movers new album on iTunes or wherever great music is sold, or through their web site,

Where you can also get tickets to the concert tickets!

Tickets also available at VittumTheatre.org. It's only a 300 seat house, with a nearly sold out performance at 1pm and a 4pm show going fast!

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected].

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat

They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action.

Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline?

And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she’s gonna hate.

The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking demonstrations that get upstaged by a dinosaur and his hammy kid.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Why do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS!

In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”.

Are frying pans supposed to suck?

And in “Holidont’s”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/

Thanks for listening!

“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention?

In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop?

Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he probably doesn’t need, but it does taste like watermelon Slurpee.

And in “Scarred for Life”, Matt brings Viva to perform at Windy City LIVE! and has to balance between ruining showbiz for her forever and ruining her for real life forever.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/

Thanks for listening!

The Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging!

In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is???

Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff!

And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy TV by himself – because they can stay away longer than him. Paging Dr. Kevorkian!

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

The Dads great up for Paczki Day 2017 (this was recorded last week) – but will Todd put his weight loss over his heritage?! I mean, he already drinks tea instead of having dessert.

“Planes to Catch and Bills to Pay” is a big one today – as Todd goes to his LAST Daddy Daughter Dance. (sniff) And... it has a theme?

On Amazon, Todd buys his OWN video game controller his kid can't touch. Smart move or monstrously selfish parenting?

And in Health Beat – Matt tries self-tanner... what could possibly go wrong?

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Todd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl?

Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos” as the Dads learn with horror that Viva has a secret imaginary friend that's a whole circle of hell down from her ghost friends Caleb! (CAAALEBB!!!)

Are you doing your Amazon shopping through our support page at paternitypodcast.com? Matt is, as he integrates his favorite action figures into his daughter's games of “Princesses in Lava Land”.

And finally, in the “Boop Bop Beat”, Todd succumbs to the siren's call of Twitter masochism, and “Trump Syndrome” turns him into a short tempered monster of a father, who conditions his kids to lie and hide things!!!

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.