The Paternity Test

Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today.

In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods.

Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies.

And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme?

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Happy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met!

New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA.

Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say,

“Hollyweed”?

Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled?

Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their nose? And who mops up afterwards?

And Viva starts learning about religion... and creating her own! In queso troubles – should we all pray to “Cheesus”?

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Thanks for listening!

The Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters.

In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then you get the vitamins, then you get fight the scurvy. Plus, a feverish Ellie gets in trouble, as does a pillow tossing Viva, and the Dads let guilt be their guide.

We hope you're using the Amazon portal! We know we are – even though it shows our family banner ads of what we got them.

Matt wants to talk stranger danger with Viva, but she doesn't want to hear about. Does the National Center for Don't Lose Your Kids really want your child to find an old Gypsy woman if they get lost in the store?

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Thought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide?

Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins.

Play-Doh – perfect snowman ingredient or winter nightmare fuel? Please don't forget to do your holiday shopping through our Amazon portal at paternitypodcast.com!

Lazy gift givers, it is time to panic – Yankee Candle Recall!

Michael from New York calls in and goes green with an advanced bird flipping technique.

… And in the moment we all knew would come, Ellie gets "the talk" at school, and it was time for Todd to ask her what she knows about sperm and ayyyygs.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Can you handle your Marijuana Gummies? Illinois teens sure can't. Let's hope they never touch the brown acid Gobstoppers.

Ellie's history of being neglected for her brother's sporting events culminates in a bleacher birthday party, and adult coloring book, and a Jersey Mike's sub.

Laser Tag in an empty dorm – awesome or a great way to get shot by security?

The Dads explore the phenomenon of Facebook sped-up recipe videos and their shambling wet bread horrors. Open a tube of crescent rolls, grab a pail of ranch, and enjoy!

...and Matt realizes his Sr. Pre-K daughter is having her own life experiences – and he doesn't like it.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

In this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons?

Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this?

Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants a Vespa to embarrass himself on.

And reality weighs heavily on Matt's house, as Viva starts to wonder what is real and what is showbiz. Cartoons? Mermaids? Shellfish? Is anything real at all?

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

It's out episode 50 Underwhelm-tacular!

We can't get the NES classic and we'd be happy to sit in a parking lot all night watching the Godfather trilogy and waiting for it.

Todd uncovers the cruel world of teenage Instagram curation and it is a harsh reality.

Hey, how many hipster and geek dad t-shirts are too many hipster and geek dad t-shirts?

Is there a Mad-Libs podcast? There is now.

And we talk about Matt's butt.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

We're guessing you could use a laugh right now…

Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?!

Finally – Southsiders Todd and Matt break their silence over their shame and grief regarding the Cubs win. So. Much. Grief.

Are you using our Amazon portal? This show is supported by viewers like you! (Thank you.) Matt is trying to buy new Barbies to replace the jank ones viva has – but is he slut-shaming inanimate objects?

And in the paternity test kitchen – Todd, Matt, and special guest Alex Jay taste test some frozen food aisle abominations from the hoary depths of Walmart… The donut cheeseburger and the deep fried Twinkie! Are these culinary Chimeras palatable?

Email us your thoughts to [email protected] or call the paternity test hotline at 657-BAD-DADS!

The Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”.

In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns.

In “School Days with a Z”, the Dads discuss the history of disaster drills at schools, and Todd wonders if he should Tiger down on his son, who is disappointing his Dad by merely getting straight As.

Matt's browsing Amazon for a respectable doorstop – Todd suggest Matt lean towards Todd's favorite weight: complex maritime knots.

And finally, in “Holidon'ts”, Matt shares his first (disastrous) corn maze experience with Todd, a famous hater of corn mazes, because mankind is not the master of water, nor space, nor corn.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

If the meat tower topples, everyone loses.

I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms.

Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and Starvation” diet!

Halloween means buying costume – buy yours on the Amazon portal and keep this show going!

Matt continues his adventures on campus by placing his mouth under the soft serve spigot for three weeks. This can't end well.

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!