The Paternity Test

Suzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood.

Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point?

Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date.

Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts into flames every time Matt walks in. The third is for billionaires, and made Matt sad to realize that rich people always win.

Todd's daughter will not under any circumstances allow her loose teeth to be pulled out of her head. Thus, we have another great story about suffering in a dentist's chair.

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Welcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show.

Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the states, Todd also discusses the "pay as you go" bathrooms.

Dave talks of a fake Darth Maul Netflix trailer that looked amazing, and then discusses the mean practical jokes he used to play on his parents. The new Star Wars (Rogue One) teaser looks amazing, but the diminishing returns of happiness are already being felt by all.

Dave's kids don't know how to act at parties. In hindsight, this is probably because their father doesn't either.

Matt's daughter's art abilities are de-escalating, reverting back to the talents of a toddler. Matt turns to the dads to help turn his shame into triumph.

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Welcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon.

Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife.

Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle how good Quaker Instant Oatmeal is. He has sworn off goose liver and caged lamb.

Todd used to play on roofs as a child. Now he only goes up there to install missing shingles. This leads to Todd's hardware store grading system, based on their artisanal grape sodas.

Matt's daughter has a new paddle at school that is used to tell children when you feel left out. It can also be used to appropriately beat the child who wields it.

Lastly, Matt took his daughter to an enormous Cos Play event in Chicago, allowing Matt to pretend that he was dressing up as Luke Skywalker for his kid.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person.

Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone.

Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave canceled his Netflix subscription so he didn't have to see the ads.

Elvis is really, really dead. So dead that no one knows he existed.

Matt's daughter wants to see his manhood. Matt said "no", but this raised larger questions of how to deal with anatomy lessons for Pre-K kids.

Moms everywhere: It's your job to take your daughter to the public restroom. Time to get in line.

Inside Out is dark. So, so dark.

Dave doesn't see his kids anymore. To make up for it, he took them to paint expensive, cheap clay pots. Dave didn't take pictures, because he never takes pictures of his kids. Next he describes a ridiculous conspiracy theory about Reagan's shooting.

The press sucks. So much that Trump is still running for president.

Todd's son needs to bring one of his grades up. Todd tosses around ideas on how to get him back on track.

  We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back!

Dave's ex-girlfriend taught him early that divorce is never the answer. Better to live in misery.

Matt can't handle boys. Also, his daughter wanders onto a merry-go-round of the future, where every child on it can be crushed at once.

Todd's going to Italy. Will the food there be safe?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back!

Literary figures are dropping like flies. Where are the new literary heroes?

It's youth baseball season, which means that it's time for Todd to buy shoe knives for his son. Hide your shins.

Todd discusses his latest daddy-daughter dance. Chaos reigns as a teenage dunce DJ does everything he can to ruin the evening. Todd saves humanity by fixing the photo line.

Matt's daughter refuses to listen to him. Ever. 

Dave's daughter refuses to wear underwear. Ever.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back!

George Gaynes died! Who will save us from our refrigerators?

Dave's house is cold.

Matt must destroy a handsome, younger dad at his school.

Todd goes to a daddy-daughter dance with his...daughter.

Join us, won't you?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back!

Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife.

Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two four-year-old daughters. It went exactly how you would expect an evening centered around forced sentimentality to go.

Todd broke his daughter's arm. And by that, we mean that Todd's family allowed his daughter to roller skate, wherein she broke her arm.

Matt took his daughter to Disney World. Everything he does for her from now on will seem somehow less caring and joyful.

Join us, won't you?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! The dads discuss the Zika virus, and what it means for filthy, filthy Rio. Also, the Olympics are ridiculous.

Dave and his wife have known each other for ten long, long years.  He has a hard time fathoming how he has gone from bartender/actor to respected educator and mini van owner.

Todd wears a bib now to shave his face. This allows him to collect the hair and throw it practically anywhere he wants. Todd then realizes that he didn't actually  have fun cutting his grandfather's toenails.

Matt and Professor Foster are taking their daughter to Disney World for a week. This will insure that no matter what happens, she'll have a happy childhood.

The Dads watch scenes from The Apaches, a violent public service film for Britains of the 70s so that they don't play on farms. It's heinous.

Todd allows his kids to watch filthy television like Family Feud, which apparently is chock-full of sexual innuendo and drug references. And Steve Harvey.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like?

Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough iPad apps.

The Dads listen to the new H. John Benjamin album. It's awful and wonderful.

Todd bought Google Cardboard, which is way cooler than it sounds (Especially if you don't know what Google Cardboard is). His wife is out of town, so Todd has Matt and Dave interview his kids.

Dave and his wife get a babysitter for the first time in four years.  He can't wait to do it again when his kids are eight.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!