The Paternity Test

Welcome to Episode 17! Todd's garage is haunted by a toy that no one has played with for a decade. And it's angry.

Todd's son is wearing a morph suit for Halloween this year with an orange wig. He's too young to date anyone or drive. He's too old to be cute and eat candy. So he decided to embody the awkwardness of junior high by covering his entire body in Spandex.

Matt goes to too many parties for four-year-olds. He's purchased a stack of the same gift and created a rubric to meet the challenge. Dave regales the fathers with a tale of the worst pre-K birthday party ever.

PSA's about forest fires used to be jacked up.

Dave's kids now have their mattresses on the floor of his room. There is no worse failure.

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Thank God we can finally stop talking about Back to the Future II!!

Matt found something to occupy Viva while he assembled furniture and she manages to destroy the house and her health at the same time.

Dave is all In when it comes to the new Star Wars movie. It's time to strap on your blaster and buy your tickets!!

Todd's son has turned thirteen and Todd doesn't think he gets in enough trouble. Careful what you wish for, old man!

Matt and Viva enter a chili cook off and Matt loads it up with fatty meat, insanity peppers, and rare beer. Naturally, it wins.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

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Stop crying, did you really think a crummy 80's sequel could predict a baseball outcome?

Speaking of the 80's, look, disturbing PSAs are back:

Check it out!

Good news, teens... armpit wipes are here!

Todd hates all holidays, but Halloween has scarred him the worst, probably because of his youthful attempts at thrifty creativity.

Matt want those pesky kids to get off his lawn with their 3D movies and their somber space opera and bad wigs.

And in a cross-cultural feat of public humiliation and preschool Italian, Dave's daughters destroy social etiquette and a bystander's humanity. The sit-down afterwards must have looked like the Peanuts gang at Yalta.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back to the show!

All day breakfast at McDonald's means never having to say you're sorry.

Dave watched Boogie Nights again, and it really holds up.

Matt hates apple festivals and pumpkin spice. He also hates people who complain about pumpkin spice. Which sort of means he hates himself. He also wants to pick apples at a grocery store so that it's cheaper.

Todd blows his dad off to go to a haunted house. Not recently. Decades ago, the day his grandfather died.

Hungry Hungry Hippos is a cheap, crappy version of its 1980s self.

Toddler potties are awesome, and 2015 public bathrooms are inexplicably clean.

Dave is living a slow groundhog's day, and he doesn't want to buy two of everything even though he has twins.

80s tv was the best.

Todd's kids won't hug him.

Matt reveals the absolute worst (WORST!!!!) selfie ever taken by someone on life support.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome to lucky Episode 13! This week, the Olive Garden Pasta Pass is back, and ready to take down your entire family.

Todd's hearing is headed downhill a tad prematurely, and his doctor insists that he get a hearing aid before dementia sets in. Dave still has tinnitus, but only until he dies.

Shopkins are worthless, but not as worthless as you'll feel if you don't buy them for your children.

Dave's kids are very comfortable with the idea of death. A Shark Tale doesn't help the situation.

Matt and Dave make fun of Todd's pronunciation of "eggs".  Then the dads lament the world-wide existence of the costumed panhandler.

Lastly, Matt's daughter's Pre-K is full of hipster and hippie parents, and for once Matt is surrounded by the artistic parents he's always desired to know. Unfortunately, he's an egotistical narcissist and can't handle not being the standout father. 

We want to hear from you!!!Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest,and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back! Matt starts us off by explaining the benefits of "hot desking".  This leads to "hot neglecting" your kids, which sounds worse than it actually would be.

Matt then paints a terrifying picture of children and ice cream and troughs. Disgusting.

Dave wants alone time with his wife so that they can talk about how much better they are than everyone else.

Shark attacks are down and death by selfie is up, so Todd watches terrifying PSAs  about texting and driving, sending his daughter into her own personal Viet Nam flashback.

The Happy Birthday Song now belongs to the people!

Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa! 

We want to hear from you!!!Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest,and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to the show! This week, Todd offers up the idea of the bedtime pass for the other dads' kids. It's backed up by hard core stats, so there's no way Matt and Dave can refute its effectiveness.

 Todd has a sinus infection, which is gross, and he should be ashamed of himself. Speaking of shame, his son just dropped an iPhone in the toilet, and all three dads have different ideas on the type of punishment that must commence.

Matt takes us back into the Paternity Test Kitchen, and offers up a Frankenberry Crunch Shortcake, which incidentally is the ugliest of the Strawberry Shortcake friends.

Dave seeks quiet, quality time without his children, and feels guilty for wanting fifteen minutes of freedom. 

We want to hear from you!!!Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest,and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to the show! Dave is resting his voice, and he'll be back next week. In the meantime, Matt and Todd discuss the announcement that The Weather Channel is going to finally go back to focusing on weather rather than vague, insulting half-references to unimportant events.

Matt regales Todd with a story of how he almost became a big reality TV star.

Matt reads Viva a book where animals punch each other, which may have backfired. Matt's daughter then sings about hitting other people. The problem is, she's doing it when she's alone in her room and doesn't think anyone is listening.

Matt buys his daughter a storage locker full of ballet clothes on Amazon. She'll take her first class any day now, and Matt is terrified because all of his hopes and dreams depend on Viva loving ballet with her entire soul.

Matt hates figure skating. Todd loves cargo shorts, and has no memory of ever buying a different style of shorts in his life.

Todd lives for concession stand food, and his heart is broken when his daughter's corn dogs come to the table inedible. Matt creates the baked Italian corn dog for all to behold.

Ted Nugent is apparently the only musician willing to share his music with the Republican party.

Todd's son is going through puberty, and he seems to be getting jolts of estrogen rather than testosterone.

We want to hear from you!!!Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest,and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to the podcast that would gladly go to jail for the right to love its listeners.

Hell opens up and tries to cover the earth in snakes and meat druids. The Dads are there.

David is back, neutered and muted. Seriously, he can barely talk and might die. You'll get, like, 15% Dave on this episode.

Todd gets into the Drone Wars, and will soon be stopping wildfire fighters from responding to calamity.

Speaking of Todd, his daughter wants to punch his face. Ah, filial love.

Callers tell horror stories of botched vasectomies! (At this point it seems like more are botched than not.)

And Matt's daughter wants an impossible birthday filled with celebrities and cartoons sprung to life. This is Matt's fault.

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to that same old place you used to laugh about.

David got his vocal chords sand blasted and he's still off – but we take a moment to play tape of him wheezing and make fun of his misfortune.

Then we talk about our favorite discontinued pastries.

Todd's obsession with credit card points has led him, sooner than we thought, into unessecary capital expenditures.

Moustrap sucks.

The world is coming to pieces, with poisonous snakes in Todd's neighborhood and druids dropping meat on children in the Carolinas.

We get great listener mail and voice mail – and keep that stuff coming, wouldja?

And Viva has a birthday coming, but Matt and Melissa can't decide where. Can a black Italian toddler have an ABBA themed party?

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!