The Paternity Test

Welcome back!

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Finally they'll be able to explore the adult themes that PBS was so vehemently against.  The dads then discuss how, no matter the channel, Sesame Street's segments are unwatchable.

Dave's kids won't wipe themselves. Todd does some research to find that child deaths by toilet have been greatly exaggerated.

Dave bought an electric toothbrush on Amazon, and has no gums left.

Matt wants to expose his child to disturbing images in order to toughen her up like Gen-X'er.

Todd gets a huge mole cut off of his back. Now there's a red scar instead of a brown one. 

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Welcome back to our humble show. The dads stumble upon a baby-making light switch that's supposed to be surgically inserted into your body. It's hilarious at parties. 

Matt's daughter is being taught to share her feelings by tattling on her peers. So now, Matt is being humiliated at parties as his daughter narks out other kids for hurting her feelings. 

Todd bought a new bat for his son. It's made from space-age technology, just like the bat he got last year, and the year before that. Bat technology is changing so fast, there's no way to use a bat more than three times. Just ask his daughter. All she wants is a cat, and it's never going to happen.

Dave upgraded to an iPhone 5. Not a 5C. Not a 5S. A 5. He's in love with Instagram, which is good news for no one but him.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back. Oculus Rift is on its way, and if we put our money on anything, it's that life will become a compilation of headaches from constantly standing one inch from the television. Too bad for Oculus Rift that Google found a way to do it for free...

It's winter in Chicago, and that means long commutes through barren gray wastelands. Todd heads to a hotel spa with strawberry water and Matt plans a trip to Florida for February. This is great, but it still leaves five months of winter misery.

Matt is planning on taking his daughter to a low-rent Chuck-E-Cheese, complete with tattooed ticket vendors and animatronic mice with broken off appendages. Dave just takes his kids to look at animals in Pet Smart instead.

Dave loves his new iPhone 5. It has 32 gigs of storage space, so he plans on using it to orbit an Apollo mission next month.

Todd buys a new bat for his son that costs $150 more than you think the bat would cost.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

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Welcome back! 

Dave has never, in forty years, found a good time to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life. Who has two hours to kill on Christmas afternoon, really?

Matt and Professor Foster decided that their daughter wanted a doll house for Christmas, and so they bought five of them. 

Dave got his family out of Baltimore alive, but not before a six hour trip home, in which Josephine asked 9,359 questions and Cecilia barfed into a blanket. 

Todd denied his daughter a kitten for Christmas, and has been waiting for four years to break the news to her that Santa is a myth.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

The dads are taking the week off to enjoy the unseasonably warm...wait. Oh, it's snowing now. Never mind. Well, we didn't record, so here's a New Year's message just for you!

Matt brings back action figures from the 80s that no one wanted. Micronauts. ROM Space Night. No idea? Then you get the idea.

Dave's turning forty, which means he'll finally have to start spelling forty without a "u".  He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, but how he feels is miserable.

Matt looks like Jesus. Meanwhile, he interviews Dylan Lauren about her new candy shop in Chicago, and Viva got so much swag she developed Type-2 diabetes instantly. Also, Viva can't get enough of toilet talk, and it's driving Matt insane.

Todd's daughter wants a cat, and she won't stop talking about it. It turns out she checkmated Todd by asking Santa for a cat and refusing to request anything else. No matter what, Christmas will be ruined for one of them.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Holy crap this is a good episode.

Matt can't handle the White Castle Turkey Dinner Slider. Mainly because White Castle's are a time portal to planet filth. Butterball meat smothered in Bijou Sauce...what could make your mouth water more..for a glass of water.

Todd can't figure out how to use Facebook in a way that isn't inherently Facebooky. He just wants to post a picture of his kid winning an award, but no matter how he posts it, he looks like a braggart jerk. Thanks Obama.

Matt buys some lucky kid a Star Wars pancake mold. Or a waffle iron. Or a pancake mold. Or a waffle iron. Or...

Matt killed it on Windy City Live. Todd came through in the clutch with glass-carrying skillz. Matt betrayed his own cool with a thousand-yard-stare into his beer glass on live television.

Dave doesn't know what to do with his children now that it's December and there's no snow. Running on dry grass just doesn't seem like an option.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

This week, Todd and the dads remember Todd's father, Bob.

Welcome to Episode 19, and not a moment too soon. The dads discuss collectible mac and cheese boxes, and the idea that now there are dead Star Wars characters on the box.

Dave regales the dads with a cautionary tale on not getting your '99 Honda tuned up. Matt figures out how the mom from Signs could have lived a long, happy life.

Dave doesn't know why cops drive SUVs.

The dads find the missing link between cavemen and the Commodores. It's a sculpture made by a blind girl in an 80s music video.

Todd can't use gel deodorant. He hates the slime. Matt can't get enough of it, but he quickly moves on to the failure of his Italian IKEA bench.

Welcome back! Taco Bell now offers you their croissant taco. Good Lord.

Daylight Savings Time is horrible, and Matt wastes that precious hour every year. He did catch an infomercial in the middle of the night for Butterball's indoor turkey frier. It's like fireworks, but for inside your house.

Todd buys a ladder. For his house. A house he's owned for a decade. His first ladder. 

Matt rearranges the federal holidays so that Americans get some breathing room between Thanksgiving and New Years.

Finally, Todd redeems himself as a father by leading his family out of an intermediate corn maze. The problem is, his kids are too old to care.

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

 

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

 

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!