The Paternity Test

If the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode!

Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”?

Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so deeply depressed he decides to start a third political party. Perhaps you'd like to join?

E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

Thanks for listening!

The Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need.

It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations.

Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross? A TPT investigation – plus: brunch flavored candy corn? What fresh hell is this?

Professor Foster is buying potpourri, and the supersmellers in the house are none too happy.

And – Apple watches, do they make you even jerkier than phones?

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Is Yelp going to date itself by listing Pokestops and places which accept corrupt fake electronic currency?

Todd’s cloister bell has gone off signaling he has surpassed his maximum acceptable level of obesity. Kelly has suggested he start taking her wildly expensive shakes full of pretend medicine.

Clowns are luring children into the woods in the south. Well, clowns or persons dressed as clowns. One of the two.

And Matt and Professor Foster have met their superior doppelgangers at Viva's new non-hippie, mostly-nerd fancy preschool, which crushes their massive and fragile egos.

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Thanks for listening!

It's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you!

The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor soil himself on television. Watch our for that hurled sponge!

Consumer alert: Whilst shopping for an iPad case, Matt discovers that scanning Happy Meal toys is a giant scam.

Todd realizes that, with his kids growing older, this academic year will be naught but a gauntlet of sad goodbyes and ugly cries. It's enough to make Todd and Kelly ready for assisted living.

The Fast Food Industrial complex has created some grotesque new golems to destroy us – including Burger King's pre-chewed Whopper wrap and Taco Bells' ground beef chicken pouch. Todd is decidedly pro “meat container”, though, and the Dads conceive new meat platforms.

Speaking of greasy meat, Matt's naughty bits react poorly to his new shorty swimsuit, so the Dads do some Googling and learn that swimsuit lining is a clear and present danger to our nation's manhood.

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Welcome back! It’s been a while, but here we are, in all our middle-aged glory.

Pokemon Go is sweeping the world. Except for Syracuse. And the Western Suburbs. And…

Matt may have murdered a bird by climbing a tree. At 41. In climbing gear. He used climbing gear to climb a tree. Then all of the women at the house wept at the possibility of the bird’s demise, right before ingesting bird.

Dave’s kitchen is in its second year of renovation. Enough said.

Todd’s wife is spending a small fortune on a new diet and exercise regimen. Can his family sustain the monetary crunch, or will Todd have to pick his favorite child to send to college?

Join us, won’t you?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

This week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between two tiny superheros!

Welcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward.

Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin.

America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but that didn't stop the Brookfield Zoo from naming a camel after the musical.

Matt found a bunny hutch (nest?) in the garden of his daughter's pre-school. It was adorable, until God filled their home with water and drowned the bunnies.

After sixteen years of use, Matt decided to throw out his swimsuit and buy a new pair on Amazon. Next he deals with angry comments about a recent blog post.

Summer has begun, and Todd is beginning to lament how busy his children are.

Michael Rice calls in and shares the saddest Howard Johnson's dining story ever. Michael also contracted coxsackie from his kid, which is disgusting.

Join us, won't you?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Matt and Todd record live at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago while their daughters preview Brooklyn Boulders Summer Camps and the Dads contemplate what they'll break first. Will it be their harness, the wall or their legs?

They also explore other types of summer camp offerings, including one that will teach your children how to kill you in your sleep!

Finally the dads get on the walls and recap their experience for you and try and figure out how their going to drive home now that they can't move their fingers.

Join us, won't you?

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We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected]. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

​

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back!

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Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger?

Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl.

Dave defends the existence of margaritas.

Todd's vertebrae is decomposing in real time, which has led him to purchase countless traction devices that he demonstrates for Matt.

Dave wants Car Talk to stop. Now. He can't stand the idea of listening to a dead host tell jokes.

People keep hitting Dave's new car and it's slowly breaking his heart.

Todd and his wife both fell asleep while sitting up in the middle of the day. The stroke center has been called....

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Join us, won't you?

​

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected]. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

​

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever.

Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs.

Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever.

Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that attach to your shoes. Between this and the Strike Spike, Todd's commute through suburbia will finally be safe.

Dave is on Facebook again, but only to create pseudo-posts to troll for the lulz.

A fan from London writes in and tells Matt to stop crying about Pre-K, as UK child care and Pre-K makes Chicago's look like its free.

Todd's moving! Down the street. Next year. The best part is, he's only moving to be closer to his kids' schools.

Join us, won't you?

We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail [email protected]. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!