The Paternity Test

Welcome to our seventh episode! We begin with Star Wars, and everyone's jealous that Todd's son is old enough to see Episode VII.

Todd has a problem with breastfeeding; or, to be more specific, Todd has a problem with women who breastfeed other people's children. He then references The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, a movie that only Todd saw.

Next, Todd buys an apple core peeler. It's an appliance that looks like you'd buy it at Cracker Barrel.

Dave has mouse problems, but if you listen to the show, you'll hear about the best mouse trap ever.

Finally, Matt embarks on a journey to turn his daughter into a human ATM machine by introducing her to the world of commercial acting. But with no tattoos or a body full of HGH, can he live up to his role as a Chicago stage father?

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

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and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to what the Internet was invented for.

An Iowa Rep thinks gay marriage is like marrying lawn mowers – the Dads thinks he is protesting just a LITTLE TOO MUCH about marrying lawn mowers.

Then the Dads discuss the mysterious new fangled appeal of really, really depressing horror films that are more Requiem for a Dream than Nightmare on Elm Street.

Todd talks Matt into buying “Hi Ho Cherry O”, which immediately turns his daughter into a tyrant and a cheater.

Speaking of Todd – no longer content with just bilking Columbia House Record Club out of Blind Melon cds, he is now trying to win a most dangerous game of credit card rewards points shuffle.

The Dads get an e-mail about finger avulsions and talk about fingertip amputation stories of their youths.

And finally, Dave gets ready for surgery on both his throat cancer voice AND his twin-producing genitals. Both surgeries are expected to be botched horribly.

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back to the king daddy of dad shows. Season two of "Serial" is apparently in the can, but Matt doesn't believe it. He tends to think Sarah Koenig is sweating it out with a waste basket full of crumpled up empty notebook pages.

Dave is sweating his daughters' third year on Earth, and hates the big lie: That the "terrible twos" are terrible at all. Dave and Matt also share their stories of the first night at home with their newborns. It didn't go well.

Amazon Prime Day stunk. Thanks, Amazon.

The dads then discuss the piercings that say, "I hate you, dad."

Todd then gets closer to meeting his Maker by eating Taco Bell's Captain Crunch Ball on the air. It's mouth abuse, pure and simple.

Lastly, Matt reads his daughter a Sesame Street book that hates Italians. 

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome to Episode 4! The dads discover the new Dr. Seuss book that's gonna make someone other than Dr. Seuss a boat load of cash.

Matt takes his daughter to a Chicago Park District Camp (read: Toddler Jail). She pays him back by burying her face in stagnant water fountain chum.

Todd's son can't hit a golf ball, but he can break a driver like a pro.

Dave's been seeing lots of cars in New York lately with kids out of their car seats. He's terrified, but recognizes that he finds the very same thing charming in Europe.

Did you know kids can be in car seats until they're twelve? Neither did we.

Next, Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future might have been the TV show that we all missed out on. It had everything: CGI, interactive Laser Tag, and adult themes.

Lastly, Todd discovers how people in Georgia teach their four year olds to talk in aquariums. It isn't pretty.

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back! A Lion prowls the streets of Milwaukee. Quick, someone call a Minnesotan denstist!

In “So Now You're Old”, Dave and his brother learn that the big apple is much tamer on the wrong side of 35 – there's far fewer chili dog dust-ups.

And speaking of safaris, Dave's wife just bought an elephant head on Amazon.

More Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos, as a creepy clown invades a Chicago cemetary.

In “Animal Crack-Ups”, Matt struts on a stray cat.

Listeners write in to talk e-mail urban legends and Grape Nuts.

And Todd muffs his Tooth Fairy duty yet again!

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome back! Matt used to be a dead ringer for Jimmy Fallon until the late night host nearly ripped his finger off. The dads Google Image Fallon’s medical condition, which was a mistake.

Matt buys his daughter a sandbox for their deck...which is just above the deck of their neighbor. Guess what happens next.

Dave tells a story of a family friend’s kid who asked his mother the toughest question ever about STDs. Ever.

Todd’s kids won’t commune with him over his childhood cereal: Cookie Crisp. They seem to love Honey Bunches of Oats and shredded wheat, which is still listed as poison by the FDA.

Harper Lee doesn’t know what day it is, but we’re supposed to believe she wanted to publish a book. A listener schools the dads on SpongeBob. The dads then lament the dark, dark 80s. Along with this Matt receives a Carol Channing ventriloquist dummy.

Dave’s twin daughters keep pulling their dresses over their heads, which leads to a discussion on inappropriately short and skinny clothing for young girls.

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

On the first episode of The Paternity Test: The Dads discuss the dissolution of Bennifer and what it means to have a middle aged Caped Crusader who just want to throw the ol' batarang around with his estranged kids.

Matt and Professor Foster give up on marriage and buy two coffee pots.

In “How the Better Half Lives”, Todd decides his ghost will discourage his wife from moving on after his (imminent) death.

In “Talking Your Kids”, DM talks to his kids about death when Fonzie the poodle massacres some chipmunks in front of the wins.

And in “Awkward Moments”, Matt is so Italian he sweats through OTHER PEOPLE's shirts!

We want to hear from you!!!

Call us at (657) BAD DADS

or send us an e-mail at [email protected].

And follow us on Facebook,

on Twitter at @thedadtest,

and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.

Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review and tell your friends... this podcast is all we have!

Welcome to our new podcast, The Paternity Test. Learn what we're about in this special Episode Zero. Then subscribe so you don't miss our first episode, coming soon! Visit us at paternitypodcast.com, follow us on twitter @thedadtest and like our Facebook page. You can email us at [email protected] or leave a voice mail at 657-BAD-DADS.