The Pitch

In this episode we discuss a game where you play as a magical transforming ball and his Hamburger Helper companion. Your mission is to collect musical notes using the least intuitive control scheme possible, defeat the Dorito Wizard who threw you into acid, and uncover the secret to why this era of platformers fell short of its goals.

Buckle up, kids, because we're about to go on the oiliest, most musclebound, most smoke-machine laden ride of your lives. That's right: the American Gladiators are here to Eliminate your expectations of what an episode of Exquisite Suffering should be. One part coverage of the NES American Gladiators game, one part "Let's Watch" of an infamous special episode of the American Gladiators television program, and one part nostalgia-fueled trip down American Gladiator lane. This is the episode to beat.

Somehow we ended up playing a pretty good game! The most interesting thing about Whomp'em is its botched localization... because western audiences weren't ready for Dragon Ball yet. So, stick around for that, and two midwesterners trying to talk about their history with Native American culture without offending anyone.

Another entry in our "Classics of Bad Games" chronicles, we look at the infamous Night Trap. But it turns out that it actually has a lot of good ideas hindered by a laughable execution. Listen in for Night Trap's goofiness, and stick around for Nick at Night remembrances.

Proving that Ursula K. LeGuin's Lathe of Heaven is nonfiction, Gary's sheer desire for skeleton warriors to be real has birthed *Skeleton Warriors* into existence. This episode is mostly about the television series of the same name, and Kole is having NONE of it.

The second premium episode of Abject Suffering features a game whose very existence is more interesting than the game itself. Discussion of a misguided FPS quickly turns into grim contemplation about what fame and renown will do to someone who isn't ready for it.

Our first episode of the premium show "Exquisite Suffering" covers various versions of the video game adaptation of "The Last Action Hero", a crazily metatextual action movie from the early nineties. Also covered: How weird masturbation has become.

It was supposed to be a massive achievement in filmmaking. The premier video game studio had set its sights on making a CGI movie that would trick you into thinking you were looking at actual people. But that wasn't the right thing to chase.

Despite its star studded cast, we found very little to love in this movie that's both a bad story and a bad adaptation. Come listen to how this fell apart, and almost took Square with it.

This is the big one... 1993's Super Mario Bros. was the first video game movie, and it certainly set a... tone... for the quality of things to come. It's almost universally reviled, and it's been talked to death by people a lot smarter than us.

However, revisiting this movie directed by monsters has revealed something surprising: While it's a horrible adaptation, it's really fun to watch. The casting is ridiculous, the set and costume design is completely wrong, and it plays fast and loose with the source material in ways that make it a fascinating watch.

Recorded to coincide with our coverage of the original Tomb Raider game on Watch Out for Fireballs!, this episode covers perhaps the best adaptation we've seen yet. That's right, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, the Angelina Jolie movie from 2001, is worth watching.

Of course it's brainless. The action is dumb, and the way it's choreographed and shot reeks of "The Matrix just came out". The accents are all over the place. But it's fun, breezy, and faithful to the source material in a way that has proven to be rare in the film medium. Listen in for the scoop, and maybe give this one a rental.