At the twilight of Macauley Culkin’s first act, he released a trio of flops that included the movie The Pagemaster, a combination live action and animated film where he plays an awful little nerd who learns confidence by going into books. Because it was 1994, they made a ton of very bad and loose platformers based on this stinker of a property. We talk a little bit about those before digressing onto “Knights and Warriors”, a syndicated television show whose premise was “American Gladiators, but evil.”

The kids today don’t know the cautionary tale of Spore, Will Wright’s big gamble on a universal god sim that absolutely didn’t pay off. And even fewer kids know about the avalanche of Spore shovelware that followed EA taking a bath on the main game. It’s so fitting for a game about evolutionary viability to drown in its own ooze.

We thought there would be meat on something called “Action Man”, but then we found out that it’s just a re-badging of what we in America know as G.I. Joe. Which is disappointing. While we wait to talk about these exciting “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles” next week, we also discuss the Free Willy animated series, and try to decode why kids everywhere are saying “6-7”.

Franko: The Crazy Revenge is a very bad shooter that, because of regrettable economic and political conditions, became the Polish gaming industry’s crown jewel for a little bit. And though the game is bad, it does have a very funny and sleazy energy about it. We end the episode by taking a moment to talk about the horrors of Granny’s Daycare.

I don’t believe we’ve covered a game from Lithuania on the network… until now. Extreme Sprint 3010 is a literal Running Man game, if running man was about dumpy little guys ambling lazily toward the camera. We also talk about War-Torn Portland, and Gary’s fascination with the show and phrase “Farmer Wants a Wife”.

Blue Stinger has the call to take you to Dinosaur Island and not have you fight any actual dinosaurs, and this is the least of its sins. From the same developer as Illbleed, it’s one of the many Resident Evil clones that history forgot, slightly bolstered by the fact that it was exclusive to the Dreamcast, which is a wounded baby bird that must be protected at all costs.

We also talk about hiring private investigators to arrange love matches for GameFAQs contributors, and examine the anatomy of a Goro.

Bigfoot is, unfortunately, not about big hairy cryptids. Instead, it’s about monster trucks, which we are very bored of… until we make one of the most profound 180s in podcasting history.

Yo Noid! 2 is a comedy game that expands on the adventures of the Noid as he hops and bops to fight for his continuing relevance. It’s a fine platformer, but boy is the story and humor dated at this point! We also talk about Hatsune Miku, whether or not Tablet is bread, and expression vs. performance.

Finally a very old piece of media that Gary and Kaye can agree on: Gumby. He’s a psychedelic little shapeshifter who hasn’t been relevant since the sixties, and he has but one single video game about him.

Quarantine ends up being a very bad Doom clone, but instead of DoomGuy, you’re DoomCar, and you can only see five feet in front of you. And its snarl of lore is just too boring to pick apart. So instead we ask… what was the deal with the Three Tenors, and do you think you could take them in a fight?