Abject Suffering

Portal didn’t invent the story about the banal cruelty of corporate super science, but it sure did it better than Whiplash. You play a weasel who has a rabbit chained to you, hopping and bopping to try to escape from a laboratory. And while it promises sweet grappling hook action, all it delivers is disappointment. We also talk about Gary’s evolving battle with, and respect for, the Tree of Heaven.

We understand why you all voted for Flix and Chill 2: Millennials in our episode poll. Look at that title. Little did you know that it’s also a viciously uninteresting adventure game in the guise of a dating sim. Millennials are strange birds, we are led to believe. Also, Kaye invents a fun new game to play with your friends.

The Powerpuff Girls was a fine cartoon. It hit a lot of people at the right age, and its groovy 90s aesthetic was instantly iconic. So it probably deserved a better game than this, a very sloppy brawler and asset hunt. We also talk about the differing legacies of Nicktoons and Cartoon Network classics, how sometimes a cat is a cartoon in real life, and ways to integrate a Venture Bros.-ass TV phone into your daily life.

Riddick Bowe Boxing, known as “Chavez” in some regions, is actually a very good boxing game for the Super Nintendo. So we return to the old topics of boxing in general, how quick and brutal real fights can be, Kaye’s dwindling number of pockets for pocket sand, and the bizarreness of “free use” pornography.

Everyone knows the Rugrats, the hideous Nickelodeon babies who taught us about Passover. Well, they also traveled through time, at least on the GameBoy. And it didn’t turn out very good for anybody. Maybe they should have stopped David Crosby from writing a very creepy song.

Everybody get up, it’s time to talk about the Space Jam video game now. And it’s just a weak NBA Jam byproduct, with zero cartoony wackiness to be found. We also talk about the Space Jam sequel and how it was the height of cynical corporate IP management.

Phix is a furby who got magnet powers, and this entire game is an exploration of how to execute on that premise as sorely as possible. But one of the bosses is a big titty Medusa monster, so we discuss whether or not we could find love if one of our arms was a snake.

Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball is a game that is so infamous that we’re shocked we haven’t covered it yet. It’s a terrible basketball game about a terrible man, and there’s always fun to be had when talking about hoops. But a conversation about a lying Lyft driver leads us to the incredible discovery of Dark Vibes Mobwave Become a Mob Boss Rainy Night Mood Narration.

Hell Pie is a spiritual successor to Conker’s Bad Fur day, and a successful one! It’s also not very funny because it’s trying too hard to be transgressive. However, the platforming is kind of on point, which pains us greatly to say.

Streamer Life Simulator is, believe it or not, streamer slop. An incredibly janky asset flip that tries to skate by on utter charmlessness. It’s also one of many simulator games that doesn’t really bother to make a game out of what it’s simulating. It just slaps a bathroom meter on it. In addition to complaining about this bad game, we talk about various instances of reality breaking down around Gary.