You probably don’t say no to people enough, especially if it’s to your boss. Like most of us, you are conditioned to cooperate with others, which means we usually say yes to most requests to avoid conflict. However, learning to say no in the right way, might also avoid conflict while simultaneously giving you back control over your life. 

We host author Vanessa Patrick, Associate Dean for Research, Professor of Marketing, and researcher in the Consumer Behavior Marketing field, to talk about this right way to say no based on her book, "The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No to take Charge of Your Life." Patrick addresses this critical skill in her book, as well as its relationship to saying no to ourselves through self-regulation or self-control.  

Patrick’s past research often depicts self-control as an upbeat version of self-discipline. Self-control serves as a reflection of your values, rather than self-imposed constraints. Patrick believes defining and defending these boundaries to others enables you to make decisions that create more fun and happiness in your life, particularly regarding the things you already said yes to. 

In this episode, we explore the idea of personal policies, or the rules we set that should guide our decisions. Calling it compassionate self-control, Patrick says this approach facilitates having your needs driving your decisions. It also means that instead of looking out for cues from other about how to respond to these requests, we look within ourselves.  

Here are some other key moments in the discussion:

• 01:29 Ryan introduces our guest and who then talks about her past research and explains how that led to the premise behind her new book.
• 06:16 Patrick explains the three competencies she identified that are essential to the “Art of Empowered Refusal.”
• 16:01. We discuss the significance of personal policies to guide your decisions and the two forms they can take to aid in that effort.
• 25:06  Patrick explains the importance of using empowering language, especially when talking to ourselves. 
• 32:05  We discuss the practical applications of this concept in your life and how you can leverage Empowered Refusal in your life and work. 

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