The Squeeze Baseball Show

This is a special episode BI*CHES! For Numero 75 of this amazing podcast, which is a completely unbiased opinion, Tyler and Michael embark on a quest to try and make each other feel both dumb and smart at the same time--with a twist ending. While the rent may be too d*mn high, the IQ levels are not, which isn’t a diss, it’s just a fact, which therefore means it legally can not be a diss: my lawyer says so, and his lawyer is Rudy Guiliani, so you know he’s smart s/. Enjoy this episode, and then tell your mother about it, and when she gets confused by you telling her to listen to it, reply with ‘cheeseburgers are just spicy hamburgers’ then chug an undetermined amount of oatmeal to assert your dominance. Then read a book about World War II, because there was baseball going on while a war was happening. Wow, look at that: symmetry.

Hello mortals, I am broadcasting from the intergalactic podcast center, where we have just watched all of Ken Burns “Baseball” and we would just like to say that the Studs Terkel dude is weird but his name completely suits his personality and voice. Tyler has recently discovered that Plutonium does not actually consist of something from Pluto the dog nor Pluto the planet, and Michael recently read a book and he’s a bit too proud of it. I mean, it was Goodnight Moon, it’s not that hard to read. YES IT IS! SHUT UP MICHAEL, NO ONE CARES! Literally all of the baseball players that you are probably like “oh yeah that guy” are heading west to the land of the far east, which geographically makes a lot of sense but grammatically is a nightmare. Those not heading to Asia to play baseball are going to San Diego, except for Lindor and Cookie they’re going to New York FUHGEDDABOUDIT. Turns out I am heading to San Diego as well, but sadly it’s for Comic Con, where I will be distributing deodorant, which sounds pleasant but smells not pleasant because no one will be wearing it. 2020 was the worst thing to happen to baseball since Willson Contreras was born. Jon Heyman takes L’s like I take candy from babies: easily.

(We totally didn’t forget to make this Christmas themed stfu). Listen, alright, this year has been super stressful on all of us, but we just wanna say that we love you guys, and that we hope you found joy in this podcast. Seriously, we have so much fun doing this for you bois we hope that you have fun listening to it as well. Shoutout to Conner O’Quinn, he’s a helluva dude. Omar Vizquel literally became one of the worst people alive, which is 1000% not okay. The Negro Leagues are now recognized as major league: this is okay, better than that, even! Congrats to Trey Mancini on kicking cancer’s ass! Trevor Bauer is trying really hard to win at Twitter polls, which isn’t in the Christmas spirit at all, and, to top it all off, Michael and Tyler together are trying to figure out the contract situations of JT Realmuto, DJ LeMahieu, and TJ Oshie, who actually doesn’t play baseball (Dylan wtf how’d you get in here?). Gape Kapler is either smart or a f*cking idiot. The Mets have too much money; someone should Robin Hood them. Also David Eckstein.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, and the magical wizard Gandalf the Grey, Michael straight up ate an elephant. Like he did that, and Tyler cheered him on. Dylan was there, too, and honestly we’re not sure if we should call the zoo or the police. Anyway, everyone in baseball is signing one year contracts, except for Kyle Schwarber and Archie Bradley: they didn’t get invited to the party and that’s kinda sad, but not like the sad where you cry, more like the sad where you feel guilty, kinda like a criminal or something idk. Bryce Harper makes a surprise appearance but not for good reasons. Andy Martino is such a dumb person we’re not even sure if he knows how to walk and breathe air at the same time (this also applies for Aubrey Huff). Don’t solicit prostitutes or you’ll end up like Brian O’Nora. Remember Bryan LaHair? Yeah, we neither, which is why we don’t say his name during this episode.

A wise old man once told me to write the description for Episode 71 of The Squeeze Baseball Podcast, and I told him to go to hell and then had him institutionalized, because ain’t no man telling me what to do! *z-snaps* Vanessa Hudgens and Cole Tucker confuse Tyler, who is working on the dev team for Minecraft 2, and Michael, who is trying for the never-before done second Eagle Scout award. Meanwhile Theo Epstein decides to take a break from baseball of his own accord, while Robinson Canó takes a break because he got caught cheating (again). Many baseball people are doing naughty things in countries that are not the United States, and people are actually being signed by baseball teams, which actually gives us baseball content to talk about thank God. Michael is a Hufflepuff, Tyler is Slytherin. Louie LL Cool J (this makes sense in context trust us). Steve Cohen is nice and shiny and full of money.

This episode of The Squeeze is gonna be a little different, but not like too different: it’s gonna be just different enough that you’re gonna be like “wait, was that different? No, it couldn’t have been, unless…?” Michael is eating a ton of tacos (like an ungodly amount someone please stop him) while Tyler is wearing a magical tutu that teleports him to various alternate dimensions. History has been made in baseball, with Miami hiring the first ever female and first ever Asian American general manager, and the Mets are slowly but surely trying to be discount Tyrion Lannisters by taking over the world (gonna be honest, we’ve never seen Star Trek so we’re not sure if that reference was right or not). Also, ton of COVID stuff, weird Sonny Gray Twitter stuff, awards being handed out stuff, Tony LaRussa stuff, and stuff stuff. Only go on Club Penguin with your parents’ permission. This episode was made possible by PBS viewers like you, thank you.

In the nicest episode of the Squeeze Baseball Podcast,Tyler and Michael cannot contain their giggles because this episode is literally the sex number Like we don’t even have to write any jokes in this description, just look at the fact that it’s episode 69 and laugh like we do. The World Series happened and a team from a state and a city won, so congratulations to them. The bois break down everything they saw from the series, and they congratulate the World Series winners as we end this crazy 2020 season of baseball and head into the offseason, which will have its own drama with a CBA on the horizon. No one has any money anymore and that sucks for multiple reasons. Crab People have invaded Chicago. Who ate my meatball? I’m gonna severely injure whoever did, that was MY MEATBALL!

The boys sat down with John Jakiemiec, the co-owner and manager for the DuPage Pistol Shrimp of the Prospect League. John teaches MIchael & Tyler what the Pistol Shrimp are really about, AND we get to know a bit more about the exciting world of Prospect League baseball!

We are two episodes away from the greatest number to ever exist ever, so fittingly both Tyler and Michael will do what they normally do: play and lose at basketball against a golden retriever for a Disney Channel Original Movie. How do these things relate to number 67? Don’t ask questions that we don’t know the answer to. We’ve received breaking news from the world of baseball: the Astros are still absolute trash. Umpires make us angry, many home run records have been broken, a Will Smith not from a town called Bel-Air mashed some baseballs, and a bunch of other baseball things that you may or may not enjoy depending on your fandom or your star alignment or something. Y’all remember when Chevy Chase wasn’t racist? Good times.

For episode 66 of this deliciously amazing podcast surrounding the game of base where people play ball, Tyler’s had it with the terrible, horrible, no goodery of Bonnie and Clyde, so he’s becoming a federal marshall to hunt those outlaws down. Meanwhile, Michael has taken all the naps and will be returning for more slumper after the recording of this episode. In the world of baseball, yeah the playoffs are going on but holy shit there was so much other shit from September the guys had to cover that they made it into a whole separate episode: this one. Yuli Gurriel is a racist pineapple headed man. What the hell is wrong with Joe West? That’s not a joke, we’re genuinely curious. I need a beer.