The Struggles Podcast

Why don't holidays feel as exciting once you are an adult?

James and Sean discuss this question from one listener (thanks for asking!). They chat about some possible reasons and provide tips on bringing back the holiday feels that made it special as a child.

P.S. from Sean and James

This is our 50th episode, a big milestone for us! Thank you to our team that made each episode happen and to you, our dear listener, for tuning in, lending us an ear. You have kept us accountable and we appreciate you. Happy Holidays!

• You create your own traditions. If you don't find the holidays as exciting anymore and traditions have been lost from your childhood, you have the ability to recreate them. It can be with your community or just family.
• Traditions are yours to make and can begin in one moment. It doesn’t have to be a grand event. It can start small.

Sean on why holidays are memorable

I think that's the key word there—memorable. What's memorable isn't the gifts. It's the time spent with other people. It's creating memories with people, right? 

James on accountability - hitting the 50th episode

I think it's easier to hit this number because it's once a week, but more importantly, there's accountability. We rely on each other to be here week after week. And yeah, sometimes one of us will be busy, or we can't do it, or we forget, or something comes up. But in the end, it is much easier to build a habit to continue persevering when there's someone else that's doing that with you.

How can you find excitement and a sense of purpose with routines?

Sean and James talk about how routines may seem mundane but are useful and needed in our daily lives. They discus how it's important to differentiate between maintenance and growth-oriented routines and why you can't always rely on external factors to push you to do your daily tasks. 

• Life can be a double edged sword. Everything can have two different views.
• You can build and develop that hit of serotonin in doing routines.
• Excitement is just one motivator for routines. Resilience and grit are other tools to harness.
• Rely on internal factors, not external.

James on the danger of looking for excitement or something new in our day-to-day

It's not about making your ordinary extraordinary or making mundane fun. I think it’s a matter of being somewhat okay with the mundane. Everyone thinks you have to make something exciting to do something, right? It's like we need that serotonin hit to get excited, get motivated to do something. But if you're always searching for that feeling of it being exciting, I feel that's where we always fight our routines. If we always want something new, and that's what we're searching for, we're never going to be okay with routine. 

Sean on not relying on external factors to do routines

If you heavily rely on external things to incentivize you or push you to do your routines or habits, it will work but not for long. It has to be internally driven and internally motivated.

In this episode, Sean and James discuss adulting struggles—the loss of friendships and social connections, and how to find ways to build a core community. 

• The digital world is a double edged sword; it’s made it easy and difficult to stay connected.
• Having a tribe to socialize with can make a positive impact to your mental health.
• Finding community requires action.

James on the impact of false projections onto your friends

I think a lot of our insecurities, we project onto what other people think about us. That's like what imposter syndrome is. It’s not exactly related, but there is something there where you're insecure about what you're doing, you're insecure about how you’re acting and maybe a choice that you make or an opinion that you have is going to create some concerns. Maybe some people are going to judge you differently. And so, you're projecting those judgments onto what other people might think of you. And with a close group of friends, that judgment or that concern, at some point, once you come to an understanding of each other, it kind of goes away. And so, it doesn't matter when you last call or if you call for no reason.

Sean on the effect of socializing less

Going back to talking about the pandemic, about gaming or the hobbies that we have, the whole point of all these things and what we were doing in our twenties was socializing. And I feel like as we get older, we potentially tend to socialize less. How does that affect our wellbeing and mental health and whatnots? I'm starting to realize, at least for me, there's a toll. 

Let's talk about fear.

Fear of being a parent, friend, not being enough.

Sean has been going through these this week, and he and James talk about what drives them and why we shouldn’t let it get the best of us.

They discuss an exercise of writing down fears and anxieties to see them in a light of love, which is what Sean has been doing to overcome them.

• The fear of loss can come with ownership.
• The fear of failure drives us to act out of fear.
• Do not project your fears onto your children.
• Fear can cause us to be impatient. Be kind and patient with yourself. You're fine the way you are.

Sean on acting out of love as a parent

You put yourself in the shoes of your children and really pay attention to their needs, and respect them. Respect that they're intelligent enough to let you know versus living in fear that you know better than them.

James on responding to fear

You can be afraid of something, so you run away from it, or you can be afraid of something, so you fight.

Sean's tip on how to deal with fear and anxiety

If you find yourself living in anxiety or just, you know, in a state of suffering, take a look at your fears and think about how you can act out of love for the people around you and for yourself. Find ways to find compassion. A lot of our fears will come to pass. 

This episode is all about money.

Sean thinks that having too much is just going to make your life worse. James, on the other hand, thinks it can improve your life for the better, especially if you are smart about having it. 

Listen as the two debate what huge money can do to someone's life and discuss how much money is too much.

Finally, they talk about how money drives our fears and tie that into how we can start living out of love.

• We create a lot of the struggles that happen to us.
• A lot of our struggles are regretting the past or anxiety about the future.
• Our deep desire to want more has a lot to do with comparing ourselves to somebody else.

Sean on having too much money

"Money doesn't make us any happier. You can have money and all the security in the world, and you can still be f****** miserable."

James on how to figure out what's enough for you

"What is your purpose in life? Maybe if you have a very clear focus, you'll end up finding out what is enough for you."

In this episode, Sean and James dig into imposter syndrome and how it shows up in their lives. It's something we all have to deal with no matter what stage you're in.

They talk about sports stars and businessmen who went through imposter syndrome and what they did to get out of it.

Listen to this episode to learn how you can deal with imposter syndrome and stop it from hindering your own success.

• If you have only known success without the struggles and failures, will you enjoy it? Will you truly know what it feels like?
• Stop comparing yourself with others because circumstances are different.
• A big part of failure is how you can get out of it. It's a mental challenge to go through failure, to recover and continue doing the work.

James on imposter syndrome

"Everyone goes through this. No matter where you are in your career, there comes a point where you kind of wonder, ‘Am I even doing this right? Am I even successful? Am I good at this job? Am I good at this hobby?’ It can sneak up on you in any way. Whether you're a founder, or even just an employee somewhere working on your own thing. There's always that moment in time where you begin to have self-doubt."

Sean on why imposter syndrome is not a bad thing

“It's not necessarily a bad thing to feel imposter syndrome. You have to be comparing yourself to somebody. The comparison in the beginning is helpful because then it helps you create a benchmark or a goal or whatnot, to say, ‘Oh, this is where I would like to be.’ But I think where it becomes destructive is when we become obsessed about comparing ourselves to that person versus comparing to ourselves like, ‘How am I benchmarking myself towards my personal path, my personal growth?’ And I think maybe the reason it's harder now, when I think about it, is it's much easier to look at somebody else and benchmark, than to benchmark yourself. It's really hard to see yourself and see change.”

In this week's episode, Sean and James talk about how James' routine has changed and how Sean has been going through struggles as a parent. 

James has taken a break from writing, and falls into an old habit of watching tons of sports, which he thinks comes from his addiction to easy access to entertainment. They talk about the concept of unwinding and what it means for both of them.

On the other hand, Sean is learning new things from Miles who is going through the “terrible twos” stage. Why does it have to be called “terrible” when it is a normal stage of development for kids? Sean thinks it sets the wrong mindset, and does his best to navigate it.

Plus, listen to a few snippets of Sean and James trying to record while playing golf. It was fun playing together but recording at the same time was a bad idea!

• Some things may be relatively free, but the actual cost is our attention.
• Focus on creating new memories.
• There’s a time and place to build routines and discipline with children.

James on addiction to anything

“We do have the ability, the mental capacity to stop. We want to stop, we can stop. We have the will.”

Sean on unwinding

“When we have a big change in our life, we're not very intentional about how we unwind within the new routine.”

In this episode, Sean and James talk about child tantrums and how they relate to them as adults. 

They get deeper into why kids, and even adults, throw tantrums, how they deal with them, and the reality that everything in life comes and goes.

• The biggest challenge as parents isn't dealing with kids' tantrums but rather how to handle them properly.
• Showing compassion doesn't mean you try to end the other person's suffering. You don't have a right to end their suffering.
• Never hold on too tight to anything, especially feelings. Everything comes and goes. 

James on the realities of life

"Some weeks, the waves are gentle and awesome and sunny and bright and perfect. Some they're just storms. And then, every once in a while, there's a rogue wave or hurricane."

Sean and James talk about feeling life has little meaning. Everything can feel seemingly against us. Is there a point to any of this? Let's find out what Sean and James have to say based on their own experiences.

• Building relationships and having a community is essential 
• Purpose is never given or found. You have to create it. 
• Bonds are created through experiences and time. It doesn't happen just because you're related by blood.
• You can't expect a relationship to bud on its own. You have to put the effort into it.
• Be intentional in whatever you do.

Sean and James think so! This week, they talked a lot about guilt and how to potentially live a more guilt-free life.

• It is not a natural instinct to feel guilty.
• Guilt is all internal. Nobody can make you feel guilty.
• A lot of guilt is also learning to be self-forgiving.

James on going through life's ups and downs

"You'll have good weeks. You'll have bad weeks. But it's not what you do on the good weeks, but it's more what you do on the bad weeks. How you stick with your process, stick with the same kind of good habits that you're setting, and trying to set yourself up for success. And it's not always gonna look like a straight growing linear line. It's always gonna be curvy with the ups and downs, and you just gotta get through the downs just as much you gotta get through the ups."

Sean on how priorities create a lot of unnecessary guilt

"We've turned everything into a priority. I think that also creates a lot of unnecessary guilt because, you know, I'd feel like, “I should have done this. I should have done that. I need to do this. I need to do that.” It's like, no, you don't. What do you actually need to do? Priority should be a singular word, right? It's like, what is your priority? What are you actually responsible for? And are you getting that done versus feeling you are responsible for every stupid thing? And that's where I'm saying like 99% of the guilt that I feel are the responsibilities I feel like I have. What are my real responsibilities?"