The Terrible Friends Podcast

You know how we like to keep all you folks on your toes.  It’s like we’re all playing the game “The Floor is Lava” and we keep changing where the lava is.  I bet you haven’t thought about THAT game in a long time have you. This is the first of our bite-sized podcasts that we’ll be releasing a couple times a week, instead of one big juicy steak of a podcast once a week.  It’s our way of making sure that none of you get eyes bigger than your stomachs and pass out on the floor with blood squirting out of your nose.  That’s how much we care. In this episode Jake talks about his trip to the Underground Salt Museum, how to tell a pregnant woman you don’t care about her pregnancy, and a nightmare that Jeff had.

The Terrible Friends break ground with our first ever guest!  We also change the format around a bit and talk about our movie first this time around.  The movie for this week is the MST3K movie The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? Being an MST3K movie, this was of course Jeff’s pick, and our guest Tad promptly did his best to shit all over it.  Jake and Tad get teased for playing Dungeons & Dragons, and the gang looks at a website that shows you how to combine sex and baking.  And let me tell you, it looks delicious. We also talk about how Jeff was sheltered growing up, and missed all the 80s movies that the rest of us have come to love.  Thus begins the Terrible Friends 80s Movie Marathon.  From here until October, we’ll be watching a bunch of the 80s movies that we think Jeff has to see.  So if you have any suggestions, post them on Facebook, send us a Tweet, or email us at [email protected].

My Dearest Friends, I write you this introduction to our latest podcast, being Episode 27 – A Ban on Common Sense, with nothing but the most heartfelt outpouring of goodwill. For in this podcast, we three humble hosts delve deeply into our topics of discussion, being jocular and humorous, examine such issues as men who have a intense physical love for piñatas, and men who drive enormous pickup trucks to make up for their lack of manhood.  We, being the three authors of this novel of aural deliciousness, also pontificate on how Jeff seduces women, on Jake’s primal and unrelenting fear of Juggalos, or those who enjoy the music of the group the Insane Clown Posse, and last but not least, how Jeff used to write letters in high Victorian fashion to a prior girlfriend who, surprisingly enough, turned out to be bat-shit crazy. The movie this week was the 1979 horror “classic” Phantasm, which is about a tall undertaker called “The Tall Man” (oh yeah the writing was that good), a whiny kid who likes to watch people have sex in graveyards, and one silver ball that kills a poor janitor.

Haha. Now whenever I think of Rich this is what I’m going to think of. I’m probably going to catch some hell from this. For a guy who looks like Jesus, he does tend to get a little touchy about his appearance. The Terrible Friends are at it again! In this episode we discuss Jeff and Rich’s LOVE for donuts, how Jake texts like a preteen, Jeff’s compulsion of poking hot dog buns, how Jeff was mentally abused as a child by his science teacher’s goat fetus, and Jake’s rainbow pants. The flick for this week’s MovieNite is the zombie movie classic (bullshit) Zombie Strippers.  It stars Robert Englund, from Nightmare on Elm St. fame, and Jenna Jameson, from lots of penises in her vagina fame. The plot goes something like this: Army dude get bitten by zombie, and then goes to a strip club (?), where he watches Jenna Jameson shake her jiggly bits until he zombies out and bites her. Then Jenna Jameson turns into a zombie, which makes her become a super stripper who shoots billiard balls out of her vagina at lethal speed. She inevitably turns everyone else into a zombie, and Robert Englund, playing the germaphobe douchebag proprietor of the club, gets suffocated by gooey zombie snatch. Enjoy!

Hey, guess what? It’s a new podcast! You know what that means… Time to get our your honey mustard sauce and electrical tape! This week we talk about Jeff skinning moles, a drilling company who’s slogan is “Your Hole is our Goal”, and how much Rich’s Pontiac Vibe looks like a minivan. Jake tells the group about a guy who he doesn’t know who’s friends call him The Master of Suspense because his name’s Stephen King, even though the guy who’s known as the Master of Suspense is Alfred Hitchcock, not Stephen King (this is a great example of some of the dumb shit that Jake comes up with). Also, apparently when Jake was in High School he also went out to a creepy abandoned bridge to trick girls into making out with him too. For our MovieNite, it was Jeff’s pick + zombie movie, so of course we had to take breaks periodically while watching the movie to throw up. Redneck Zombies is about rednecks who drink zombie juice moonshine and then really gross and weird shit ensues.

Last week the entirety of the Terrible Friends staff donned our super-scientist goggles and traveled down to the Gulf of Mexico to diffuse a giant methane deposit that was destined to bubble to the surface of the ocean and wipe out all life on earth. We can’t really tell you HOW we did it (HINT: it involved a lot of passive-aggressive sighing and a pretty lengthy guilt trip) but you can rest easy knowing that tomorrow will be bright, shiny, happy, new day. That is – unless you still live near the Gulf of Mexico, where your life becomes more poisoned and desperate with each passing hour. Thanks BP! Unfortunately, due to our heroic actions, we didn’t have a chance to upload/release last week’s episode. Sorry! We figured you would choose “not having your life instantly snuffed out by a gigantic fireball that smelled like a fart” to a “new episode of the Terrible Friends Podcast” (although admittedly, it IS a tough choice). So here’s a new episode! We talk about lots of stuff including, Jake being “all like Woah…” because “that was a pretty insane movie trailer,” some fun stories from HS, ways to make your co-workers leave you alone at work, some neat film noir improv, wearing eyeliner, Zambie Santa, Zambie Clowns, the move Zambieland… wait, I’m pronouncing that wrong? Oh – you should tell Jake. Because he want’s you to know what Zombieland is ‘spout… “It’s ‘spout America being eaten by Zambies.” – Jakey-bobs Enjoy!

BRRRIGGUHMUNUNYAH!!! This week’s Terrible Friends Podcast is a literal feast for your ears! It’s an aural cornucopia! It’s an orgy of audio awesomeness! We talk about the “Fat or Pregnant” game, cottage cheese (gross), how good Jeff is at being passive aggressive, and our butterfly god BRRRIGGUHMUNUNYAH! The MovieNite podcast for this week is the 1986 comedy the Three Amigos, starring Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin short. It received 3 recommendations from the Terrible Friends so go watch it!

I fucking hate peanut brittle. I just needed to have written that sentence on the Internet so it lives on forever. That’s how strongly I feel about it. This week we talk about old people and Werther’s Originals, Jeff’s desire to poop while running at full speed, Jake’s pathetic attempt and making puns, Rich’s dissertation on Ghost Rape, and we make fun of Jeff’s speech impediment (he says “both” with an “L”). For the MovieNite this week Jeff chose the haunting drama, action, black comedy, romantic, shit movie The Room, which Tommy Wiseau produced, directed, starred in, and pooped all over. It’s about a weird Scandinavian American guy and his troubles with his fiancé, his best friend, his (sort of) adopted son, his mother-in-law with breast cancer (nobody cares in the movie), the cruel world, and the (SPOILER ALERT) bullet that goes through his brain at the end.  Don’t worry, I didn’t ruin it for you. If you’re the kind of person who can make it through this movie (like Jake and Jeff, NOT Rich) it doesn’t ruin anything. Cheers!

Whooooaaaaaa Nelly. Seriously. Slow your ass down. You’re scaring the kids, for Pete’s sake. It’s a semi-special episode this week as 2/3 of the Terrible Friends record the podcast in the same room. Rich was still in Colorado though, that sonofabitch. We bless your ears with stories about ear candling, the gross kids from your childhood, making fun of kids with speech impediments, and our arch-nemeses. Aaaaaannnd the flick for this week’s MovieNite is the Sci-Fi hit District 9, which is a great movie if you like seeing Nigerians eating aliens, or if you like seeing guys heads getting blown off and being liquified by a lighting bolt gun.  So we all loved the movie. Check it out!

Have you ever made a teacher cry? Well we sure have, and in our latest episode we share the horrors that we all made our music teachers go through when we were in grade school. We also talk about some of our experiences at Walmart, including Jeff almost buying tanning lotion and then screaming at a checkout lady, white trash people buying jumbo-sized nativity scene figures, and where to buy a Menorah. This week’s MovieNite was Rich’s pick, and he selected the David Byrne (of the Talking Heads) mockumentary-type-thing True Stories, which stars David Byrne and John Goodman. The movie is about a fictitious Texas town where a bunch of bewildering stuff happens. I’d give you more of an introduction to the film, but I think if I try I’m going to have an aneurism, blood will squirt out of my nose and I’ll die. Cheers!