The Terrible Friends Podcast

Ahoy there and welcome aboard our podcast boat of love! Snacks will be served at 11, but make sure to wait 30 minutes after eating if you’re planning on jumping overboard. Also as an aside, it’s only taken 90 episodes for me to run out of ways to start a blog. Avast! This week we’re joined by our friend Brett Jensen from The Last Mayor of Brooklyn with the intention of talking about normal, human things… Then Jake starts out the podcast wanting to talk about babies. HIS babies. It just goes downhill from there. So lock the hobo in the dumpster, jump in your hot air balloon and remind Bob Vila to watch out for Batman! It’s time for a PODCAST.

Our friend Nolan from Shiftlesshobocoldwar.com is back again this week with some more hilarious shenanigans.  We look at a truly atrociously cheerleading uniform site and Nolan recounts some art projects in high school where his teacher told him to scavenge roadkill for art supplies. Enjoy!

It’s a very special episode this week because we have our good friend Nolan from ShiftlessHoboColdWar on to talk about Harrison Ford, beautifulagony.com, which is a site full of videos of people’s faces as they masturbate and orgasm, really shitty parents injecting their five-year-olds with botox, and a toddler at the Hutchinson, KS mall stared Jake down and emasculates him.   Enjoy!

Despite all evidence to the contrary, the Rapture didn’t happen on May 21st after all, so we probably don’t have to worry about the world ending in an awful fiery doom in a few months.  You know what that means! More awesome Terrible Friends Podcasts FOREVER. This week we were joined by one of our dear friends from the Flist Podcast, Seth Macy.  Promptly I tried to convince Seth that he should give his kids shots of whiskey to put them to sleep, and Jeff suggested that he just smother them like veal. Seth told us about some of the shenanigans you can get into on an island off the coast of Maine, such as scaring the shit out of the rich folk by shooting a rifle in front of them, or ramming a motor boat into a rowboat on the ocean in the middle of the night.  Jeff also pulls his guitar out and makes up songs about the saddest parts of Jake’s life. Enjoy!

Hey. You. Yes you. Stop what you’re doing right now and listen to this thing because it’s great. I know that I tell you this every week, but this week I’m not kidding. This is literally 33 minutes and 32 seconds of a really REALLY great podcast. Literally. “But Terrible Friends!” you may begin to ask, “They’re ALL great podcasts! How is this one any different?” First of all. Thank you. You’re the best. Now to answer your question, this one is extra-super-duper-awesome-great NOT ONLY because its description has a whole bunch of hyphens, but because it features awesome guest Mike Higgins. Just in case you aren’t already familiar with the legend that is Mike Higgins, here are some special Mike Higgins facts: *Mike Higgins is the only person I’ve ever met who pooped his pants TWICE in elementary school and then went on to get a PHD from one of our contry’s most hallowed institutions of learning. A PHD in something that wasn’t bullshit even! *Mike Higgins once wrote a song called “The Penis/Vagina Song” which was the best song I ever heard until he wrote a song called “I Want To Have Sex With You”. Both of these songs can be found here. *During the podcast recording, Mike Higgins told a “yo momma” joke that was TOO FILTHLY FOR THE TERRIBLE FRIENDS PODCAST and had to be cut out. *Mike Higgins REGULARLY tells jokes like this. Mike Higgins is a evil-genius-madman-wonderful-man-person. He is our friend, and the reason that you need to ask yourself  “Why am I still reading this stupid blog instead of listening to this amazing podcast?!?! The podcast sounds so great, and this blog is like something a blind person wrote in 4 minutes on a toilet”. I’ll answer that question in two parts. PART 1: I HAVE NO IDEA. Part 2: Fuck you, buddy. I’d like to see YOUR blog. Oh wait, it’s a Xanga page? That’s what I thought. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? WHY AM I STILL WRITING THIS? GO LISTEN TO THE NEW PODCAST NOW!!!! Also, visit us on facebook. GO! NOW!

The original cut for this week’s podcast was 39 minutes long. As it were, 40 of those 39 minutes turned out to be us talking about NOTHING BUT BONERS.  I know you’re asking yourself in an intensely puzzled manner, ISN’T THAT TOO MUCH TALK ABOUT BONERS? ALSO – HOW DID YOU FIT 40 MINUTES WORTH OF BONERS INTO 39 MINUTES WORTH OF PODCAST? Well, as it happens, you can have too much of a good thing and we had to leave about 15 minutes worth of boners on the cutting room floor (which converts to about 8 feet worth of boners, which just got real gross now that you’re imagining them all just sitting there on the floor). Now if you’re the type of person that finds this news upsetting, I need you to do three things: 1) Put your pants back on. 2) Re-evaluate your life. 3) Cheer up because we still have a whole mess* o’ great podcast for you this week! We talk about strippers, nudists, clowns, comets, dips, eatin’ sushi off a lady, Jake being ugly, and a bunch of other great stuff! Check it out! Oh, and one more thing: *whole mess = 25 feet of boners

Have you ever been to anti-joke.com?  Here’s an example of an anti-joke: Violets are red, Roses are blue. I have a gun, Get in the van. Yeah it definitely seems right up our alley.  In this podcast Jake freaks out Jeff and Rich by  saying “She’s a real cutie pie” in a super creepy voice, the Cat in the Hat comes back to read some anti-jokes and the gang revisits Jeff’s inability to drive across town without screaming out of the window and swerving his car at other motorists. Enjoy!

Step 1: Become inebriated. Step 2: Go to a silent auction. Step 3: Bid on things. Step 4: Sober up and regret your decisions. Topics also covered this week: Passive agressive auctions (a different, more intense and rage-filled kind of silent auction), Jake’s childhood bedroom, screaming at people from a car, screaming at people while they’re asleep, and how the Cat In The Hat is a total creepo. CARWASH!

So we’ve started uploading our podcasts on Wednesdays every week.  You might notice that it’s Thursday.  You might also notice that yesterday was April 20th, or 4/20, as it’s more commonly known as.  (Insert marijuana related joke here) This week we talk about Jeff getting a package delivered to his house from Raiden (from Mortal Kombat), Prince Albert piercings, stupid high school kids and their shitty car stereos (hint, one of them was Jake), and what really happened in the Garden of Eden.  Oh, and Jake watching Jeff have sex.  Trust me, it’s waaaay creepier the other way around. Enjoy!

We’ve been away for a while, but don’t worry. We’re back, Jack… Frost. Hey. It almost worked. Up to our old hijinks again – we share stories from school, talk about the ungrateful homeless, stupid fat girls, rasslin’,  and of course – make lots of poop and boner jokes. Here’s a Venn Diagram to explain: Enjoy!