The Terrible Friends Podcast

Who doesn’t love a parade? Members of a community gathering to watch their attention-starved friends and neighbors dress up in silly costumes and walk down the street next to gigantic service vehicles which apparently have nothing better to do than drive down a crowded street at 3mph flanked on all sides by clowns. Just like a child, Jake went to a parade and now it’s ALL HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. Luckily, just like neglectful parents, we ignore him and do our best to change the subject to other more interesting things. He was upset for a while, but I’m sure he’ll turn out just fine. We also expand on “3-9-1 Syndrome”, a topic previously introduced by Anthony Gallegos from The Gamespy Debriefings (a fantastic video game podcast if I’ve ever heard one). Then we talk about some stuff. And things. Like usual, listening to the Terrible Friends podcast is like trying to ride a wild stallion made out of lightning, but with your ears. Charlie Sheen wishes he could win like us. Greyhound blood!

Think back to your childhood.  Did you ever get “the talk” from your parents?  Did you end up learning about sex from some guy at basketball camp?  Did you see your first condom riding on the bus to school?  Did your dad teach you a lesson about teenage pregnancy by making you help him deliver baby calves on the farm? What kind of shitty music did you listen to in high school?  If you are of an age with Jeff, Rich, and Jake, you can bet that Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Hoobastank were part of it.  Maybe this kind of stuff helps explain why we are the Terrible Friends… Enjoy!

Does everyone know what an “Eiffel Tower” is?  It’s probably a given that I’m not talking about the French monument.  Ugh.  French people. Here, let Urban Dictionary give you the definition. Get ready for a aural cornucopia of stories about high fives, tag teams, eye gazing, road rage, pickup driving rednecks, and Jake dying in a tiny car. Enjoy!

Q: How many topics can you cram into one amazing podcast. A: THIS MANY!! (I know you can’t see me, but my arms are spread really wide right now. You’ll just have to trust, dawg). We’re joined once again by Nolan Fabricius from ShiftlessHoboColdWar.com to talk about all sorts of neat stuff. Like Ice Cube… Noodling… Throwing Batteries at Gondolas… Being a NARC… You know – the same stuff you just sit around and talk about every day with YOUR friends. We also talk about movie posters. Particularly, this one: Here’s a fun game! Think real hard about your absolute FAVORITE fictional or cartoon character from your childhood. Now head over to google and do an image search for “ Rule 34”. Now spend the rest of the afternoon crying and trying to scrub those images from your brain with a hammer and some Ed Hardy champagne! That’s what we did! And when that doesn’t work, just content yourself to listen to us make some more jokes about the “Juggalo Nation” which is apparently something that exists and whose existence should make you feel deeply, deeply saddened. Now dry those tears, you sad sack, and head over to our facebook page and become part of the Terrible Friends Nation (not a thing yet, but here’s hoping). You can also follow us on twitter, and leave us a review on iTunes. By the way – you look really great in that red shirt… One day, when we’re telling our kids about this, we’ll just look back on it and have ourselves a good laugh. Oh, and THANKS FOR LISTENING!

Hey kids! Let’s break open the Ed Hardy champagne and get down to business. Mmmmmm taste that? It tastes like white sadness. And so many roses. This week we’re joined by our friend Nolan Fabricius from the hilarious blog/webcomic ShiftlessHoboColdWar.com.  We talk about  the pleasant aural quality of the recorder, accidentally  arguing your way out of sex because you’re defending Oasis, and how Jake’s girlfriend just got a paper shredder and is busy shredding every piece of paper that they collectively own. We also discuss a website for a business that just opened down the street from Jake called SickAndTwistedScarcasm.com They’re apparently a t-shirt company based around selling you badly designed t-shirts with typos on them. We also found out that they’re a division of 12:12 Productions, a “design” company which offers services which include but ARE NOT limited to: *Fucking up your website with animated .gifs *Making your shitty metal album sound shitty *Bad logos *Using Photoshop 7 to put gradients on everything We’re thinking of paying them to design our new website. After you’re done listening to this newest episode, you should head over to our facebook page, or find us on iTunes and leave us a review. It’s the right thing to do.

This podcast might seem a little different.  For the first half, we replaced Jeff with our friend Tad (or smidgen as Jeff calls him) and did a “choose your own adventure” story where Jeff played the part of wingman to his buddy Aaron, and got sweat on a lot by a big girl.  Then we brought Jeff back later and asked him to provide for us the ending to the tale.  Along the way, we learned that Rich considers himself to be a “pretty man”, the guys are awesomely bad at improv, and I think we all secretly harbor a desire to see Jeff in awkward situations with unattractive girls. Enjoy!

Ah Valentine’s Day.  It’s a day of romance, caring, and doing your best to embarrass your significant other at work with as many flowers, chocolates, balloons, and high school vocal ensemble groups as you can afford.  That last one literally happened to a girl I work with.  An entire class of high school kids (like 25) came into the office and sang like four whole songs.  The entire office stood and watched the whole thing too.  I think her husband thought he was being romantic but she just looked like she was going to throw up the entire time. To the Terrible Friends, Valentine’s Day is all about philosophizing about whether having sex with your clone is a homosexual act, playing the ukulele while you’re pooping, and greeting cards that say I <3 Uranus (that’s supposed to be an emoticon for a heart). Happy Valentine’s Day!

I have a great idea for a restaurant. Take the idea of a Japanese steakhouse, where they yell at you in broken English and try to throw shrimp across the table into your open mouth, but it’s a fat Okie (Oklahoman) with a trucker hat on and a beer in his hand cooking hot dogs and hamburgers over a gas grill.  Instead of yelling at you in Japanese he’s slurring and mumbling and out of breath in a way that sounds like he’s only using vowels.  All you have to do at this point is blare some Toby Keith putting a boot in their ass it’s the American way shit on and you’ll sell a lot of hot dogs. AMERICA! And for your previewing enjoyment, head over to our facebook page to check out the hard copy of Jeff and his friend’s high school band cookbook recipe for BBQ Cock. It’s as delicious as it sounds!

So it’s the day after valentine’s day, and you’re in trouble because you forgot to get that special someone something special to celebrate your mutual love and affection. Don’t worry bro (or ladyBro)! We’ve got your back! Hidden within this thing that looks like a podcast is a PLETHORA of awesome valentines day wishes that couldn’t possibly cause your significat other to hate you more. Not to mention it’s not quite as creepy as your “Plan A” idea for the thing you were going to get the cute girl you have a crush on at work. We also talk about times we got in trouble as youths, as well as do a bunch of really terrible impressions. Jake doesn’t know if Bill Cosby is dead, BUT WE ANSWER THAT QUESTION.  Take it for a ride folks, just put the keys back on the hook when you’re done.

Sometimes we sit in front of our sound-capture robot and have pleasant conversations. Sometimes we yell at each other – which makes the robot sad. Every once in a while though we do something so magical that it makes our robot’s happiness circuits fry and we have to chase it around the house with baseball bats and rope until it calms the FUCK down. This is one of those episodes. We talk about some weird jobs we’ve had, and why you should never EVER work in retail. Jake tells us about the time a sweaty fat lady with a beard gave him a nickname when he was working at the movie theater behind the Dairy King roof in his back yard. Or something like that. Jake’s childhood is a confusing time. Now close your eyes and imagine if we were on the radio, and what awesome call-signs and commercials we would have and how quickly we would get shut down by the FCC. Now that you’re as excited as our robot, open your eyes and realize that WE ALREADY DID THAT and you can just listen to it instead of continuing to think about it. Spoiler alert: our radio stuff turned out to be better than anything you’ll actually hear on the REAL RADIO (which wasn’t hard). Once you’ve calmed back down (don’t make us use the robot baseball bats on you), head over to our facebook page and “like” us, or follow us on twitter. You can also check all three of us out on this week’s episode of the F-List podcast, where we get rowdy and talk about the movie Spice World – which IS as amazing as it sounds.