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The Topical
The Topical episodes
- Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.
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10 min - Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.
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8 min - Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.
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10 min - Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.
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10 min - National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.
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11 min - Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.
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10 min - Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.
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9 min - Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.
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9 min - Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.
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10 min - NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.
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7 min
About The Topical
From the publisher's feed
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely…
scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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