The Wellness Compass Podcast

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

Start With Why (Part 2 of a six-part series on change).

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why"—a clear reason for making the change. The "why" is the root system that grounds and nurtures change. Without a strong root system, most attempts at change will wither or die out altogether. For example, if a person makes a New Year's resolution simply because it's the popular thing to do, there is a good chance that resolution won't stick. If, however, a resolution is grounded in a compelling why, it has a much greater chance of lasting.

Author Simon Sinek writes extensively about change. He says most people focus only on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That's their "what." They may even have a "how"—a plan for doing this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify why they want to spend less time on screens—to connect more meaningfully with others, pursue other activities, or get more sleep—then there's a greater chance they'll make a lasting change.

All great leaders inspire and facilitate change with a clear "why." Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who passed away in 2021, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. The "why" that kept him going, even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers, was his belief that all people are created equal and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. What he did and how he did it evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why" never wavered. His "why" sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

This principle has guided a significant change in our own work. Before COVID, our main strategy for our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative centered on creating print resources and traveling around the country doing in-person trainings. This approach was effective and personally rewarding, and while it helped us reach thousands of people, its scalability was limited. When COVID hit, we were forced to pivot—developing digital downloads and moving all our trainings and meetings online. Initially, we made these changes simply because circumstances required it.

But here's where the "why" became essential. As the world reopened, we faced a choice: return to our familiar pre-COVID methods or embrace the challenging work of continuing to grow these new digital strategies. We could have easily justified going back to what we knew best. Instead, we chose to press forward with learning new technologies like podcasting and expanding our digital reach. Why? Because our deeper purpose has always been to expand access to wellness resources for as many people as possible.

The changes have been challenging. There's a learning curve to new technology, and we miss the warmth of in-person gatherings. But our reach has expanded in ways we never imagined. Now we are reaching many tens of thousands of people Before COVID, we ran Wellness Circles in person in our local geographic area. Now we facilitate five times as many Wellness Circles, regularly welcoming participants from Europe, South America, and other parts of the world, as well as people just down the street from where we live and work. Our "why"—making high quality wellness resources accessible to organizations and individuals who need them—gave us the motivation to persist through the challenges that change always brings.

Making It Personal

1. Can you think of a change you have already made in your life that was fueled by a clear "why"? How did it go?

1. Is there a change you want to make, or are making now, that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why"?

1. What is your "why" for the change you are aspiring to make and how might identifying that help motivate to stick with it?

In this episode we mention our Wellness Compass Self Assessment. Here is a link to our assessment(s). Click HERE to learn more, and/or to download the self-assessment for your own use.

And Holly mentions her personal trianer in this episode--the amazing Luanne Vogel. You can learn more about Luanne, including her contact info HERE.

And if you would like to join our upcoming Wellness Compass "pop up" session on Thursday, January 22, 7:00 PM Central Time, click HERE. There are 8 dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass and for this session we will focus on the Relationship dimension of wellbeing.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

Listening for a Change (Part 1 of an Updated 6-Part Series on Understanding Growth & Change)

Four years ago, we wrote a series of six columns about the process of change—how it starts, what keeps it going, and why it's often so hard. Since then, people have regularly asked us to share information from those columns again. As marriage and family therapists who've spent decades working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations, we've learned that understanding how change actually works is key to making the changes we want to make. So we decided it was time to update this series. For the next six columns (and podcasts), we'll look at how change begins with listening, the stages we go through, what keeps us stuck, and what helps change last. So, if you're thinking about a change or already in the middle of one, we hope this series is helpful.

Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, a lot of us take stock of our lives this time of year. We pause and ask ourselves if there are changes we want to make. The turning of the calendar invites us to think about what in our lives needs attention. What might need to shift or grow?

One idea we've found to be helpful—both in our own lives and with our clients—is what we call "listening to the whispers." It's pretty simple: all meaningful change begins with listening. Often a desire or need for change first shows up as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something's not quite right. The whisper might sound like:

"I'm feeling disconnected from _______. I'm not sure how to fix that, and honestly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time."

"I used to make time for ________, and I really miss that. I want to find a way to bring it back."

"The pace of my life is wearing me out. I can feel it in my body, and I want to do something about it before I burn out."

"My relationship with alcohol (or screens, or work, or shopping) has changed in ways that worry me. I want to address this now, while I still can."

"This job doesn't fit who I'm becoming anymore. I'm going to start looking at what else is out there."

"I feel called to get more involved in what's happening in my community. I'm going to talk to people who are already doing the kind of work I want to do."

"There are things in our family we keep avoiding. I think we could be stronger if we started being more honest with each other."

"I keep hearing people talk about meditation and how much it helps them. I'm curious about what that might do for me."

That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. But here's what we've noticed: when a whisper goes unheeded, it doesn't just go away. The pattern we see again and again is that the whisper gets louder. Gradually our inner voice starts to shout. And what happens if we don't listen even then? Eventually something breaks through—a consequence, maybe even a crisis—something we can't ignore anymore.

When it comes to taking care of ourselves and our relationships, we need to learn to listen to these hints. Healthy people, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this regularly. They take honest looks in the mirror. And because they know they can still fool themselves, they ask for honest feedback from people they trust. They create ways to get feedback so they can adapt and respond to warning signs. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and actually listening to what wants and/or needs to change.

Our lives are always speaking to us. Together, let's commit to listening to what they might be saying.

And speaking of change, we are making a small change with the frequency of our Wellness Column and Podcast. Due to other new initiatives that we are working on (more about that later!), we will be moving from a weekly format to an every other week format. So look for our next column and podcast in two weeks, and every other week thereafter. And please note that this change came from a "whisper" that reminded us that our bandwidth has limits and that we can't develop new initiatives without making space for the energy they require!

Making It Personal—These questions can help you listen more closely to what your life might be saying right now:

1. What do you think about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?

2. Can you think of a time when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it led to something good?

3. Listening to your life right now, what's one change that's calling for your attention as we start this new year?

In the weeks ahead, we'll explore the stages of change, what helps transformation stick, and how to work with resistance—both the kind inside us and the kind from others. We're looking forward to this journey with you.

Sharing Light in the Darkness

In the 1990's, there was a children's show on the Nickelodeon Network that our children and we loved, called Are You Afraid of the Dark? One thing that made the show special was that it was just scary enough, without being terrifying. We find ourselves thinking about that show now as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach the darkest night of the year. There is a lot of fear, a lot of scary things happening in the world, things that can seem dark and overwhelming at times.

As therapists, we find ourselves invited into so many conversations these days about how can one find and how can one be light in the midst of the very real darkness we are seeing in the world.

Fortunately, we are not the first people to encounter this struggle. Each of the world's spiritual traditions offers wisdom on finding hope, love, and peace—light—in the midst of the darkness of suffering, injustice, and violence.

A few years ago, we lost power in our house for several days due to an ice storm. As disruptive as that experience was, we discovered a lesson that has stayed with us. We discovered the difference a single candle can make in a pitch-black room. This experience has stayed with us, especially during difficult times when tragedy strikes our communities or violence erupts in our world. Like many of us, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by the darkness around us, uncertain where to turn or what to do. But then we remember the difference that one small candle, one small light can make.

There's an old saying: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." For us now, lighting one candle means doing something kind and loving for someone else—some act of service that brings a small amount of light into their world and, little by little, helps brighten our world as a whole.

Here's what's remarkable about sharing light: when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your own light. Unlike money or material resources, we can share the light of hope, love, and kindness with countless others, and still have own light which can continue to burn just as brightly.

As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, may we all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. The darkness is real and powerful, but the power of love and light is greater still.

Making It Personal:

1. When have you experienced someone lighting a candle of hope for you during a dark time? How did their act of kindness change your perspective or situation?

2. What small act of love or service could you offer this week to bring light into someone else's world?

3. What helps you remember that sharing your light with others doesn't diminish your own? How might this understanding change the way you approach generosity this season?

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

The Spirit (and Neuroscience) of Generosity

The holidays are a time for gift giving and generosity. Nonprofits receive more donations of both money and volunteer hours this time of year than at any other time. With that in mind, we offer a few thoughts on practicing generosity—not just during the holidays, but all year long.

Our Brains Are Wired for Generosity

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in their book entitled The Book of Joy, remind us that generosity is fundamental by saying the following, "Generosity is so important in all of the world's religions because it no doubt expresses a fundamental aspect of our interdependence and our need for one another. Generosity was so important for our survival that the reward centers of our brain light up as strongly when we give as when we receive, sometimes even more so." Modern neuroscience confirms this ancient wisdom. We are literally hardwired for generosity.

Our Gifts Can Go Beyond the Material

While material gifts can be meaningful, many of the most significant forms of generosity often cost nothing. The gift of presence—truly listening to someone who needs to be heard—activate our neural reward pathways. So does offering forgiveness, sharing a burden, or bearing witness to another's joy or pain. These exchanges of care create the web of interdependence that sustains us.

Hospitality Can Be a Gift

A friend recently shared a formative memory. Every Christmas, her parents invited people they knew who were alone to join them for dinner—someone from work, a neighbor, someone from church. She said those experiences taught her more about the meaning of the holidays than any material gift she ever received.

Generosity Transforms Hearts

How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol are beloved because both the Grinch and Scrooge are transformed by embracing joy and generosity. Hearts that were two sizes too small become enlarged.

This holiday season, let's commit to practicing generosity in all its forms as we give warmth freely, receive graciously, and notice how both nourish our connections with others.

Making It Personal:

1. Think of a time when someone offered you the gift of their presence—truly listening or simply staying with you through something difficult. What made that moment meaningful? How did it feel?

2. Like the Grinch or Scrooge, where in your life right now might you be resisting generosity (think time, attention, forgiveness, or resources)? What would it feel like if you worked so that part of your heart grew larger?

3. If you were to create your own ritual of generosity—whether during holidays or throughout the year—what would it look like? Who might you include, and what would you want others to feel from witnessing this practice?

The Power of "Enough"-Finding Contentment in a Culture of More

We live in a culture that constantly tells us that we need more, especially as we approach the holidays. More success, more possessions, more activities, more social media likes, more achievements, more of everything. We don't know about you, but the constant striving leaves us exhausted, anxious, and spiritually depleted. There is another choice, though. We can embrace a different mindset, one we call the power of "enough." Here are four thoughts on what the power of "enough" looks like and how we can embrace it.

How the mindset of "never enough" negatively impacts our mental health. The psychology of scarcity can have a significant impact on our well-being. We end up feeling like we never have enough or that we never are enough. We also start to believe that everyone else seems to have "enough," or at least more than what we have. It's so easy to find ourselves on the treadmill of never enough that we don't even realize that we are on it.

We are all familiar with the story of the half a glass of water and the question of whether it is half full or half empty. A third option is that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. In this metaphor, the glass represents our desires to have more. Once we learn to scale down the size of our desires, we will experience more fullness with what we already have.

Chasing after external validation ultimately leaves us feeling empty. Wisdom teachers across traditions remind us that we're already complete, already beloved, already whole. When we chase external validation to fill an internal void, we're looking in the wrong direction. All religions teach that a life of meaning and happiness isn't based on an abundance of possessions and offer invitations to recognize the fullness already present in this moment and in what we already have.

There are things we can do each day to cultivate the belief that we already have enough. Here are a few ideas. Begin and/or end each day with a simple moment of gratitude. Pause and be thankful. Sit quietly and notice what's already here: your breath, a roof over your head, the beauty of nature, and the kindness of others. When you notice the desire for "more" arising, pause and ask: "What if I already have enough? What if I already am enough?"

Living from abundance rather than scarcity is a choice we need to make continuously. When we're not desperately grasping for more, we can live from genuine appreciation rather than anxious striving. We can give more generously, rest more deeply, and love more freely.

The power of "enough" isn't about having less—it's about being more present, more peaceful, and more content.

Making It Personal:

Does the holiday season create stress around not having enough or feeling not enough? Reflect on specific areas—work, relationships, possessions, achievements—where you feel the pull of "more." What does this striving cost you emotionally and spiritually?

What would change in your daily life if you truly believed, "I am enough," and "I have enough"?

When have you experienced a moment of genuine contentment—a time when you felt delighted with what was present? What conditions made that possible? How might you cultivate more of those conditions in your life, especially during this holiday season?

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE.

Beyond Thank You: Four Truths About Gratitude from an Unexpected Vista

The two of us went on a hike the other day. It was a beautiful late Wisconsin fall day. We had chosen a large state protected area we'd never explored before, and as we switchbacked up a ridge, we had no idea we were about to experience gratitude in its truest form.

Turned around at the top, we were overwhelmed with the unexpected view we now had looking out over the Wisconsin River. The sun was hitting the river at just the perfect angle causing the flowing water to glisten magnificently. Without a word being said we both stopped in our tracks and silently breathed in the view. After a minute both of us declared how grateful we were to be there to enjoy the special moment. Standing still for a moment, our bodies had minds of their own and knew the appropriate response to that experience of overwhelming gratitude.

As we continued our hike, we found ourselves appreciating people we would never meet—the conservationists who fought to protect that land, the trail builders who carved those switchbacks, the park staff who maintain the paths. Our moment of beauty and gratitude was made possible by countless others who cared enough to preserve this place.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we keep thinking about our hike and what it taught us about deeper understanding of gratitude. Here are four insights we're carrying forward:

1. Real gratitude is embodied, not just intellectual. It moves through our whole being—physical, emotional, and spiritual. When gratitude is genuine, it shows up in our bodies, not just our minds. Watch for those moments when thankfulness moves you to stop, gesture, to extend a hand, or to offer a touch that physically expresses what words alone cannot capture.

2. Gratitude emerges from wonder and awe. While it's important to teach children to say "thank you," gratitude is much more than good manners or something we "should" express. Authentic gratitude comes from being thankful for the sheer gift of existence, for beauty we didn't create, and for the shared good of people known and unknown to us. It's about letting ourselves be humbled by moments that remind us how extraordinary ordinary life can be.

3. Gratitude reveals our profound interconnectedness. Almost nothing we experience comes from our efforts alone. When we trace backward from any moment of joy or beauty, we discover countless hands—seen and unseen—that made it possible. We live within an intricate web of giving and receiving that stretches across time and space.

*Watching the American Revolution on PBS this week has reminded us of our gratitude for those who gave so much to create the country and it's freedoms that we still cherish today.

4. Gratitude inspires us to share. When we recognize how our experiences depend on others' care and commitment, we're inspired to become those people for others. Gratitude isn't passive—it awakens us to our role as both recipients and stewards. Metaphorically, what trails do we want to build for others?

We wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and hope that you may find your own moments where wonder breaks through the ordinary and gratitude rises spontaneously.

Making It Personal:

1. When has gratitude moved through your whole being—not just your mind? Describe a moment when thankfulness expressed itself physically. What does it feel like when you experience authentic gratitude versus polite thank-yous?

2. Recall a recent moment of wonder or awe. How did that experience connect you to something larger than yourself? Did that experience inspire gratitude in you?

3. Choose one thing you're grateful for this Thanksgiving. Trace the web of interconnection backward: Who made this possible? Whose work, whose love, whose choices? How does seeing this network of interdependence enhance your feeling of gratitude?

We will be traveling for Thanksgiving, and so our column and podcast will return in two weeks.

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE

Awe, Mystery, and the Northern Lights: Nature's Gift to Our Well-Being

This week, something extraordinary happened. People across the Northern Hemisphere stopped in their tracks, looked up at the night sky, and collectively whispered, "Whoa." The Northern Lights danced across skies where they rarely appear, and for a few precious moments, we remembered what it means to be truly awestruck.

The aurora borealis is more than just a spectacular show—it provides a powerful reminder of how awe and mystery contribute to our mental health and overall well-being.

Awe Calms Our Nervous System

Dr. Dacher Keltner (author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life) writes that experiencing awe has tremendous health benefits, including calming our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the "love" hormone that promotes trust and bonding. If we were fortunate enough to gaze at the Northern Lights this week, our bodies weren't just witnessing beauty—they were receiving a dose of natural medicine. The vastness of the aurora helped momentarily quiet our anxious minds and reminded us that we are part of something much larger than our daily worries and stresses.

Awe Pulls Us Out of Our Small Stories

When we encounter something as mysterious and magnificent as the Northern Lights, we're given a break from our usual preoccupations. We don't have to overthink anything; we only have to witness what we are experiencing.. This experience of mystery shifts our perspective from the narrow concerns of our individual lives to a broader, more transcendent awareness. In those moments, the stresses that felt overwhelming just minutes before seem to find their proper proportion.

Slowing Down to Notice Creates Space for Wonder

The Northern Lights required us to stop. To slow down. To step outside and look up. This mirrors what children do naturally—they stop in their tracks to examine a caterpillar or watch a bird, their whole face lighting up as they shout, "Whoaaaaaaaaa!" If you look up the word whoa in the dictionary, you will see that one of its meanings is to slow down or stop, as in the command a rider gives to a horse.

The spiritual dimension of well-being depends on our willingness to pause long enough to notice the "whoa moments" that surround us. Whether it's a celestial phenomenon or a small everyday miracle, we must be present to receive them.

Witnessing Awe Can Bring Us Together

Perhaps the most beautiful aspect of this week's aurora display was how it became a collective experience. People texted photos to friends, gathered in groups to watch, and shared their wonder on social media. One friend even shared how joyful it was to see so many of their neighbors gathering in the street, dressed in their pajamas.

Awe doesn't just benefit us individually—it bonds us together. When we acknowledge life's profound mysteries together, we remember our common humanity and our shared capacity for reverence.

As we return to our daily routines, the Northern Lights can continue to remind us that cultivating our capacity for awe isn't a nice extra—it's essential to our well-being.

We can strengthen our capacity for awe by paying attention, practicing mindfulness, and choosing to notice the moments of beauty and mystery that surround us every day. The universe is constantly offering us "whoa moments." The question is: Are we willing to slow down long enough to notice them?

Making It Personal

1.Think about a recent time when you experienced profound awe—perhaps the Northern Lights, a sunset, or something that stopped you in your tracks. What did you see and feel? How did your body respond? What worries fell away in that moment?

2. Children naturally stop to marvel at small wonders. What prevents you from experiencing life this way? What would it take to create more space in your daily life to slow down and notice moments of beauty and mystery?

3. Dr. Keltner suggests that our ability to experience awe can be strengthened through practice. Looking at the week ahead, where might you intentionally create opportunities to encounter mystery and wonder? Choose one specific practice you'll commit to this week.

What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE

Taking Time to Reset

Having just reset our clocks this week, we know that this simple adjustment—moving backward by a single hour—can change our entire rhythm. For some, the change was not a big deal; for others, it is still affecting their sleep schedules (or those of their kids or pets). But here's the good news: within a few days, most of us recalibrate and adapt.

This semi-annual ritual reminds us that the power of a small reset can change our perspectives. When we consciously shift our perspectives, we can transform our experience of life just as dramatically as changing our experience of the sun rising and setting.

Small Shifts Can Create Big Changes

The key is recognizing that our perspectives are a choice. When we feel stuck, we often think our external situation must change before we can feel different. But what if the "reset" we need isn't in our circumstances but in how we're looking at them? A relationship conflict might shift when we stop asking "who's wrong?" and start asking "what does this relationship need?"

We have all had the experience of negatively judging someone's behavior, and then shifting our reaction from judgment to compassion when our perspective changed with additional information about why a person is acting the way they are.

Perspective Shapes Experience More Than Facts Do

Two people can experience the same time change and have entirely different perspectives. One embraces the earlier sunrise while the other curses the earlier sunset. Another person is irritated because they believe the government should end daylight saving time altogether.

Our brains are meaning-making machines, constantly interpreting and narrating our lives. Two people receive the same email from their boss that offers constructive feedback. One person finds the email helpful and motivating. The other finds it demoralizing and shaming. All of our experiences are filtered through our perspective. It's been said that we don't see things as they are, but often we see them as we are. This is why checking out our perspectives with others can be helpful, rather than assuming they are always accurate and useful.

Resistance to Resetting Keeps Us Stuck

Mindset, a popular bestselling book by Carol Dweck, outlines the crucial difference between a fixed and a growth mindset. A growth mindset is characterized by an openness to changing and resetting our views and perspectives. A fixed mindset is just what it sounds like—its motto is, "but I/we have always done it this way." Resistance to resetting our perspectives rarely serves us well, and almost always impedes growth.

In our world today, changing one's perspective is often seen as a weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. As we grow and mature and gain new information and experiences, it is only natural for our perspectives to shift. And even if the shift is slight, like a ship changing its bearing just a few degrees, that small change will create a larger shift over time.

Readjusting Is an Ongoing Practice

We don't reset our clocks once in a lifetime. Similarly, perspective shifts aren't one-time events but ongoing practices. Our go-to viewpoints reassert themselves, old patterns return, and we need to consciously see if it's time to readjust again and again.

This isn't failure—it's being human. The practice is in noticing when we've drifted back into unhelpful perspectives and gently adjusting our compass. Each time we do this, we strengthen our ability to shift. We become more fluid, more resilient, more capable of meeting life's challenges with creativity, rather than rigidity.

Making It Personal:

1. Where in your life have you been holding a fixed mindset that could benefit from greater openness to growth? What slight shift could you make this week?

2. Think of a situation where you are harshly judging a friend, family member, or colleague's behavior. Might a shift in perspective open you to softening your judgment and feeling empathy or compassion?

3. Can you think of a time when shifting your perspective regarding how you viewed yourself, a situation, and/or another person created an opportunity for moving from being stuck to experiencing new possibilities? What can you learn from that?

This episode finds Holly and Scott exploring lessons from Day of the Dead celebrations and how they can support our inidividual and family well-being. What follows here is the column they send out by email each week that is always on the same theme as the weekly podcast. You can signt up for the weekly email column HERE. What the Day of the Dead Teaches Us About Emotional and Family Wellness

While Americans are having fun celebrating Halloween this week, other countries around the world, especially in Mexico and Latin America, will be celebrating El Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Our love for Mexico is immense, as we have traveled there many times for both fun and service projects. In honor of El Día de los Muertos, we are going to share four wellness compass points we can all learn from this centuries-old tradition, which provides guidance for living with loss and strengthening family bonds.

Grief Doesn't Have an Expiration Date

Modern culture often treats grief as something we are supposed to get over—we're expected to "move on" or find "closure" within socially acceptable timeframes. Day of the Dead rituals cultivate a very different relationship with death. By creating tables in the home filled with photos, favorite foods, and cherished objects of loved ones who have passed away, families acknowledge that love doesn't end at death. Research on grief now affirms that maintaining connections with deceased loved ones is healthy and adaptive. Setting a place at the table, cooking grandmother's recipe, or simply speaking to those we've lost isn't denial—it's integration. This tradition normalizes ongoing relationships with the dead, removing the shame many feel when grief continues to be felt long after the loss.

Collective Remembering Heals Isolation

Grief can be profoundly lonely, especially in cultures where discussing death feels taboo. Day of the Dead traditions transform mourning from private suffering into communal celebration. Families and friends gather in cemeteries, not with somber silence but with music, food, and storytelling, normalizing everyone's pain while reminding us we're not alone in it. Sharing memories, laughing through tears, and sometimes resolving conflicting stories about complicated relatives can help ease the pain, as everyone is allowed to express sadness openly.

We Can Hold Joy and Sorrow Simultaneously

Perhaps the most striking aspect of El Día de los Muertos is its refusal to make grief only somber, as the day is also a fiesta of celebration. This isn't minimizing loss but rather honoring the fullness of life, including its ending. Families laugh while remembering funny quirks of the deceased, celebrate their loves and passions, and acknowledge their humanity with both fondness and honesty. It teaches that healing doesn't mean forgetting, and remembering doesn't require constant sorrow.

Rituals Provide Structure for Difficult Emotions

Grief often feels overwhelming because it's formless. Day of the Dead traditions offer concrete actions: gathering flowers, preparing specific foods, visiting the cemetery, and arranging an altar with reminders and possessions of the loved one. These rituals create containers for big emotions, making them more manageable. Creating annual traditions around remembrance gives families something to do with their love and longing, transforming passive sadness into active honoring.

As we navigate the losses in our own lives, El Día de los Muertos reminds us that the healthiest approach to loss and death isn't avoidance but integration—weaving our loved ones into our ongoing story with both tears and laughter.

Making It Personal

1. Have you ever felt pressure to "move on" from a loss or difficult emotion before you were ready? What would it look like to give yourself permission to grieve without a timeline?

2. Think of someone you've lost who still influences your life. What are the small ways you continue to honor or maintain a connection with them? How does keeping their memory alive bring you comfort or guidance?

3. What ritual or concrete action could you create to honor someone you've lost or to process difficult emotions? This could be cooking a special meal, visiting a meaningful place, or creating a small tradition. How might having this structure help contain and express what feels overwhelming?

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column. You can subscribe to the weekly column HERE.

Making the Problem the Problem, Not the Person

We've all been there: a conflict starts small—maybe it's about whose turn it is to handle the dishes or a disagreement about something important you're planning together—and suddenly you're no longer discussing the actual issue. Instead, you're blaming each other for being difficult or stubborn. The conversation has shifted from the problem itself to attacking the other person. This only leads to hurt feelings and damaged relationships, with little progress on actually resolving the challenge at hand.

Here are four "compass points" to help us all work together on challenges we are facing, rather than turning against each other.

The problem is separate from the people working on it.

When we're frustrated or stressed, it's natural to want someone to blame. Our partner didn't take out the trash again, so we label them "irresponsible." Our friend is never as punctual as we are, so we label them as "uncaring" or "absent-minded." The moment we make this shift, we've stopped being companions working toward a solution and have become opponents in a battle neither of us can win.

Focusing on the problem creates constructive solutions; blaming people creates defensiveness.

When someone feels attacked, their brain goes into protection mode—they're no longer thinking about solving the issue; they're thinking about defending themselves or counterattacking.

Consider a group of volunteers planning an event for a nonprofit. Half want a large event with a big budget, while the other half want something smaller and less expensive. They can frame this two ways: "Those people are spendthrifts who don't care about our finances" versus "Those people are tightwads too afraid to take risks." Or they could say: "The problem is that we haven't yet come up with a plan that has buy-in from all of us. Let's keep talking and find a recommendation that honors what each of us values."

Empathy helps us remember that a person's identity is separate from their thoughts and behaviors.

Well-intentioned people often disagree. That doesn't make one person "good" and the other "bad." When we remember this, everyone's dignity remains intact—no one is being labeled or attacked. This means creative problem-solving becomes possible because defensive walls come down, and relationships strengthen because you're reminded you're on the same side.

Sometimes behavior needs to be directly addressed—but still without making the person the problem.

If someone close to us has a drinking problem, for instance, we need to address that behavior directly. But we have a choice in how we approach it. Attacking them and labeling them as an alcoholic is unlikely to help. More effective would be: "We've talked many times about the impact alcohol is having on our life together, and each time it leads to a blowup. I don't like how angry we both get. How about we go together to talk to a professional to help us find a way forward?" Here, the problem is the alcohol and the conflict it creates in their life, not the person.

Making it Personal:

1. Are you stuck in a conflict cycle where you or others are attacking and defending rather than collaborating? How might you shift the focus back to the problem?

2. How does it feel when someone makes you the problem rather than addressing the issue? How might this awareness change your approach?

3. The next time conflict arises, commit to keeping the focus on the problem—not on labeling people.