Kait, Renata, and their guests Malia and Meagan read Lone Wolf by the mistress of twist endings, Jodi Picoult! This episode starts with the revelation that “Picoult” is pronounced like “pekoe” and only gets more shocking from there. Actually, a lot of the twists aren’t really that surprising, but we are still reeling from the revelation that the man who left his family to live with a pack of wolves for 2 years cheated on his wife with a human woman, rather than a wolf like we thought.  If you have internet access in your wolf den, listen to this episode now! (If not: learn how to decode the wolves’ complex language of howls if you want to survive.)

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Jodi Picoult name pronunciation

The Moth: Man and Beast by Alan Rabinowitz

Snopes: Le-a

Snopes: Polished Off

Candy pairing:  Kait says scavenged trail mix, Malia says Pop Rocks and soda, Meagan says assorted chocolates with mystery filling, Renata says movie theater popcorn.

Coming up next: Animorphs #1: The Invasion by K. A. Applegate.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

It’s our 50th episode! We celebrated with our favorite thing: talking about X-Men with Caroline from Fantastic Fangirls and Panels. Unfortunately, this means we had to read the novelization of our least favorite X-Men movie: X-Men: The Last Stand by Chris Claremont. It’s a movie whose convoluted plot was not aided by having been novelized in the style of a very long 80s comic speech bubble. Hey–is Cyclops in this? Oh well, thanks for joining us for 50 episodes, bubs!

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Rogue Gets In Trouble by Kate Beaton

Jesse Hamm’s “Tetched” Rogue series

X-Men: The Last Stand Rifftrax

Candy pairing:  Caroline says Beemans gum, Kait says your favorite candy after a recipe change, Renata says a marshmallow roasted by the flames of the Phoenix force.

Coming up next: Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Megan (of Academic Inquiry Into Popular Culture) read X-Men: X-Cutioner’s Song by Scott Lobdell, Peter David & Fabian Nicieza, with art by Brandon Peterson, Jae Lee, Andy Kubert, & Greg Capullo. It’s an X-citing Peak 90s comics crossover event, featuring an overload of X-Men, X-Factor, X-Force, and X-tra tight Spandex. Come for the incomprehensible Apocolypse-tic time travel space clone adventures, stay because Renata’s Gambit voice has awakened something inside of you, cherie.

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes:  X-Cutioner’s Song story arc

Setting Up Your First Pull List

Candy pairing:  Kait says Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza, Megan says Fruit by the Foot, Renata says French Toast Crunch.

Coming up next: X-Men 3: The Last Stand movie novelization by Chris Claremont.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Patrick read a book a ghostwriter wrote based on a computer game created by Tom Clancy based on a nonexistent website. If that sounds confusing, it’s still not as confusing as this corporate espionage-y Orientalist mess of a novel. Please don’t hack our website and/or submarine! Dot Com!

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Tom Clancy’s Ruthless.com on Moby Games

Tom Clancy’s Politika on Board Game Geek

The Cold War of Clancy vs Clancy

No way is this domain worth thousands of dollars!

No way is this domain currently hosting pornography!

Candy pairing:  Kait says an actual microchip, Patrick says a durian cream puff, Renata says Candy Crush.

Coming up next: X-Men: X-Cutioner’s Song by Scott Lobdell, Peter David, et al.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Happy early Mother’s Day! Kait, Renata, and their guest Rachel read their moms’ favorite book, One For the Money by Janet Evanovich. It’s the origin story of Spandex-clad rookie bounty hunter Stephanie Plum. Fellow Jersey Girl Kait has a lot to say about the book’s portrayal of Trenton, Renata has a lot to say about her mom, and Duarte has a lot to say about Stephanie’s pet hamster. This episode will give you plenty to talk about at your next charmingly awkward family dinner–just make sure to take your gun out of your purse before you head over there.

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Tricky Twenty-Two Excerpt

‘I Don’t Know Whether to Kiss You or Spank You’: A Half Century of Fear of an Unspanked Woman 

Popular Mechanics: Troubleshooting Distributorless Ignition

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson admits he ‘hates’ cod after eating 800 pounds of it in a year

Candy pairing:  Kait says Warheads, Rachel says a Bubble Beeper, Renata says sugar free Baskin Robbins hard candy.

Coming up next: Ruthless.com by Tom Clancy & Martin Greenberg.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Caitlin read Killing Lincoln by Bill O’Reilly & Martin Dugard. And–because we care about the youth of America–we also read the young readers’ adaptation, Lincoln’s Last Days, by Bill O’Reilly and Dwight Jon Zimmerman. These books put forth the truly shocking thesis that Abraham Lincoln was a good dude and John Wilkes Booth was a bad dude. But also that they were both pretty sexy? And most importantly: USA! USA! USA! Listen now to hear three sockdologizing old mantraps play a rousing game of Fucking, Marrying, Killing and speculate on how history might have turned out differently if only Abraham Lincoln had taken a cat to the theater with him.

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Lincoln Home National Historic Site

Lincoln Homestead State Park

Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library & Museum

Kait + Creepy John Wax Booth
(sorry, these are scanned in from Early Internet Days and we don’t know where the originals are to re-scan)

Renata + Creepy John Wax Booth
(sorry, these are scanned in from Early Internet Days and we don’t know where the originals are to re-scan)

Candy pairing:  Caitlin says fancy old timey hard candy, Kait says Boy Scout popcorn, Renata says mystery Dum Dums.

Coming up next: One For the Money by Janet Evanovich.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

For part 2 of Nemesis Month, Kait, Renata, and returning guest Naomi read Hollow Earth by Kait’s nemesis John Barrowman (and Carole Barrowman, with whom Kait has no particular beef). It’s a confusing middle grade novel about twins with magic art powers, and the totally not derivative secret society that wants to control those art powers. Or destroy their art powers. Or use their art powers to somehow unleash a bunch of monsters on earth, which for some reason some people would want to do. Or whatever! Listen now to listen to us struggle through good art gone bad.

Retraction: We mistakenly took the Barrowmans to task for putting a Chicago-based painting into their London-based narrative but it turns out the painting in question is the Bathers at Asnières by Georges Seurat, which is in London’s National Gallery. OUR BAD, BARROWMANS. Good job with your art research.

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: John Barrowman & Daniel Boys – I Know Him So Well

Sorry, Kait.

Candy pairing:  Kait says chocolate coated candy gems, Naomi says saltwater taffy, Renata says sherbet lemons.

Coming up next: Killing Lincoln by Bill O’Reilly.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and Rob Lowe’s Other Nemesis Steve read Stories I Can’t Tell My Friends by Renata’s Nemesis, Rob Lowe. In addition to a lot of grade-A 80s celebrity gossip, we learned a lot about Rob Lowe, such as how important he thinks celebrities are and how Cary Grant once gave him a soap on a rope. Listen now to hear Renata over-explain why Rob Lowe is “a hot Paul Harvey.”

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Renata’s Moth story about Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe Can’t Read dot com

Rob Lowe’s George magazine

The Rest of the Story: Paul Harvey, Conservative Talk Radio Pioneer

Candy pairing:  Kait says weird Lindt truffles, Renata says expensive airport candy, Steve says a Charms Blow Pop.

Coming up next: Hollow Earth by John & Carole Barrowman.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Ally (of Join the Girl Gang) and Katelyn (of Women of Library History) read the classic evangelical Christian romance novel Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s AU Bible fanfiction based on the Book of Hosea, a minor prophet’s story of a fallen woman and the man who loved her, and also Israel. Francine Rivers has transformed it into the story of a good Christian cowboy who marries a soiled dove because God told him to (although it took her awhile to get the memo, possibly due to the Lord’s confusing font choices.) In the end, they all live happily ever after, except for the bad prostitutes who died in a fire, and also the podcasters who had to read this.

Content warning: This book contains child abuse, rape, racism, religious prejudice, and Satan, and so does our discussion of it.

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure

Hugh Jackman’s Australia shower scene

Candy pairing:  Ally says Testamints, Kait says Bible verse chocolates, Katelyn says soiled Dove promises, Renata says milk.

Coming up next: Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Margaret (of Two Bossy Dames and Appointment Television) read The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison. It’s a somewhat competently written romance novel by the host of The Bachelor (and/or an uncredited, under-appreciated ghostwriter). Sadly for us, it has nothing to do with the seedy world of reality television and is instead set in the wholesome world of publishing/horse farms/petty crime. It’s a book that celebrates the power of the written word while sadly undervaluing the importance of sex paperwork. Happy Day After Valentine’s Day! We hope you enjoy your discounted chocolate and free podcasts!

Readers advisory: Here.

Footnotes: DIY Sex Paperwork

Chris Harrison, the Reigning King of #BachelorNation

Candy pairing:  Kait says chili pepper chocolate, Margaret says a carne asada burrito, Renata says a gummy rattlesnake.

Coming up next: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

* Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

(But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)