There Will Be Crossbows

The theme is "Lock", and it's very secure. No one is going to steal this episode, we made sure of that. If you want to listen, you're going to have to grab the key from the last listener because there's only one of them floating around. John starts working on his panic room, fed-up Americans make travel plans, and an obnoxious dude gets his comeuppance in a creepy song featuring special guest Erin Fox. Have a listen, and then forever lock it away with your most treasured memories.

The theme is "Healthy", and your doctor recommended you listen to it twice per day until you're better. James tries out a sketchy new exercise routine, John fails to get high snorting kale powder, and a young kid suspects his doctor is trying to kill him. Ditch the jog today and listen to There Will Be Crossbows instead! Featuring special guest Mairin Hartt.

This week we're spoiling you with our finest, most elegant episode of all: experience "Velvet" and all its decadent smoothness in a brand new, custom-made, luxurious episode. John tests out his new persona, a king picks out the perfect wedding attire, and James tries very hard not to start his own church but it happens anyway. Indulge in "Velvet". You deserve it. 

It may be "Artificial", but it's almost as good as a real podcast! This synthetic aural experience will satisfy your basic comedy needs for a whole week or your money back. James tests out a simulation of himself to get out of doing the podcast, John reviews a fake crocodile head, computers annihilate the humans, and a man's face transplant is carefully negotiated. If you're someone who runs around saying, "Fake it 'til you make it!" in every situation regardless of whether or not you're even talking to anyone, you'll love this episode!

Zero. Zilch. Nada. Technically, this isn't a podcast, it's the absence of a podcast, but you should listen to "Zero" anyway. It contains Zero content, Zero jokes, and Zero funny bits. John gets some disappointing results from "Hot or Not", a bank heist leaves no viable suspects, and candy mogul Forrest Mars defends his legacy. This episode is a moving tribute to the loneliest number, the number who will never be odd or even, the number that destroys anything it multiplies with.

All aboard, mateys! The theme is "Hook", and we're taking the bait. James and John deliberate swapping identities, a sea shanty gets a little too rowdy, and the captain of the Titanic shows true leadership. Have a listen, and if you're not HOOKED, then we just don't know how to please you anymore. 

I hope you didn't forget your jury summons, cause you got "Court" this week! James helps John navigate some legal trouble, a prosecution falls apart when it's too silly to argue against, and Colonel Mustard confronts Mr. Boddy with the revolver in the study. Get your affidavit in order, 'cause you're about to LAUGH-a-davit. I'm sorry, that was terrible. Please don't sue us.

Wowza, it's HOT this summer! What say we all cool down with a nice "Freeze" theme, huh? John and James say all sorts of unmentionable things about walruses, two new protesters try out their leafblowers, and a rapper from the 90's gets a fitting tribute. This episode may be cold, but your BRAIN is about to get MELTED.

Watch out -- this one gets messy. All order will be unraveled. The theme is "Disarray", and James and John struggle stay on one topic for even a minute. A mean coworker gets his comeuppance, a dangerous new roller coaster is unveiled,  and the zapping gun gets musically busted out to right humanity's wrongs. Sponsored by Messy Bessy, the indoor pooping cow. Let the chaos engulf you, and have a listen to this week's episode!

It's the second Lazy Episode! You might as well call it Deleted-Scenes-a-Palooza, because it's chock full of scenes that didn't make the cut for regular episodes, but still deserve their day in the Palooza. No frills, folks: no theme, no Amazon whatever, no silly commercials, this is nothing but IMPROV SCENES. You better listen just to make sure we aren't bluffing.