There Will Be Crossbows

A special theme episode to warm you up for the holidays! This one is all about relationships, and it features a gaggle of scenes that were cut from previous episodes, a slightly smaller gaggle (a giggle?) of new content to flesh out the theme, and the triumphant return of "Questions and Answers", one of our original formats. A couple finds a mysterious vault in the basement, a vigilante tries to enact violent revenge on the trains that have wronged him, and we see both sides of an ugly inheritance situation in a song we resurrected from seven years ago. Don't miss this one, or you'll be forever lonely!

Put your dukes up, this week's theme is "Melee"! It's all-out, close range improv, and EVERYONE leaves this episode bruised and bloodied. John roughs up a stranger in the street, the Mortal Kombat guy encourages children to commit violent acts, and we sing a tribute to the heroes of a classic 8-bit video games. Have a listen, cause this one is a knock-out!

Get ready to burn the house down, cause this episode is gonna be (multiple fire emojis)! This week the theme is "Fire", and it's raging out of control. James and John discuss employment woes, a pair of troll besties bond over eating human besties, and Johnny Cash has an unfortunate appointment with his doctor. Don't play with "Fire" unless you want to get burned!

This week's podcast is "Brains", and it's chock-full of the sophisticated, intellectual humor that you've come to expect from There Will Be Crossbows, especially if you've never listened to the show and have no reason to know better. James and John start to question their own intelligence, a fed up Smurf is at his wits end with the village, and a prospective poetry grad student gets put on the spot for an audition. Make the big brain move and have a listen!

Aww, this one is just TOO CUTE! The theme is "fluffy", and you'll want to rock the phone gently in your hands while closing your eyes and smiling like some sort of weirdo in a stock photo to get the full effect. John and James reflect on their own mortality while ignoring the growing threat of John's menacing uncle, Chuck. A pair of pricey English bulldogs get an entire story arc. A boy raises an alligator snapping turtle as an unconventional pet. We all could use a little more fluff in our lives, so have a listen!

From the sweeping dunes of the desert to the luxury of tropical beaches, no natural element on Earth is more breathtaking or evocative than sand. I mean, besides fire. And wind. Plus cliffs and lakes. Shoot, now I'm actually thinking of a lot of natural elements that are way more breathtaking and evocative than sand. Oh well, too late to pull the episode now, right? This weeks James pitches a questionable new product, a bunch of school-children get to take home bongs from a field trip, and John reviews the classic film "The Sand". Get swept away in the simple, natural beauty of this episode!

Get your apron on and loosen your belt buckle, because this week is "Cookies"! We delightfully pay homage to the world's most famous dessert (no research was done to back up this claim, but are you really surprised?) in an episode as packed with silliness as a cookie is with sugar. John reveals his unconventional baking methods, a benevolent billionaire takes advantage of some girl scouts, and we set a new world record for the most items available from a bake sale. Pour yourself a glass of milk and have a listen!

If you're scared of the creepy crawlies, this episode is going to be a tough one for you, cause it's all about "Spiders"! James deals with a tough critter taking over his bathroom, a home sale is jeopardized by what lurks in the basement, we get to know the man behind the mask in an exclusive interview with Spiderman. We'll turn you from Arachnophobe to Arachnophile in thirty minutes or your money back!

Ahhhhh, the relaxation is real in this nice, calm episode all about "Fishing". John's recent fishing trip leads to some deep philosophical questions about whether he's a god, intelligent sharks ravage a research center, and a young man gets taken advantage of by a pesky cosmic horror. Sit back in a boat, tilt a hat over your head, and listen to this week's TWBC episode!

It's time for another Lazy Episode! No frills*, no nonsense**, no holds barred***, just a compilation of the best material from our cutting room floor. These episodes may not have made the cut for their original episodes, but they finally get their day in the sun. Two teenagers ruin a movie for the rest of the audience, a couple of gangsters have a tough time wrapping their head around idioms, two basketball players face a difficult choice in the locker room, and much more. Enjoy this uninterrupted block of deleted scenes!

*This episode may contain trace amounts of frills

**The makers of TWBC acknowledge that yes, it's all technically nonsense

***We don't know what a hold is, so it's possible that we bar one or two of them accidentally