This Is Why We Can't Have A Podcast!

Spring is springing 🌼—the weather is perfect, daffodils are popping up everywhere, and somehow that turns into a full spiral about tornado anxiety, storm shelters, and why our brains refuse to relax 😩😂.

This week, Jen and Ashten go from “coquette ruffles and naked lady flowers” to 10 dark, lesser-talked-about psychology facts that hit way too close to home: being addicted to stress, why your brain clings to negative memories, how anxiety can masquerade as intuition, why people stay in predictable misery, and how emotional neglect can mess with you without leaving a clear “event” behind.

Along the way, there’s a mini documentary rabbit hole (hello, America’s Next Top Model 👀), some very real talk about people-pleasing, trauma responses, relationships, and the weird ways adulthood rewires what we tolerate—and what we finally refuse to.

And just when you think we’re done, Ashten drops a teaser: Friday’s episode includes her own confession story… and it’s so wild she’s printing receipts for a full timeline 🧾🔥

This week’s episode is giving chaos, confession, commentary… and full unc status energy 😌🎙️

We kick things off with a listener confession that takes us to a muddy cancer benefit parking lot, a golf cart, a dark rainy night… and a dent that may or may not have been confessed to. 👀🚗 Is it karma? Is it survival? Is it community service credit? We debate.

From there, we spiral (naturally) into:

• The absolute savagery of Facebook comment sections 🍼💀
• The funniest mugshot reactions the internet has ever produced
• Petty revenge ideas that are diabolical but technically harmless
• AI hot takes and whether it’s helping us or making us lazy 🤖
• GLP-1 discourse, skinny girl drama, and why personality > perfection
• Dressing authentically vs. aesthetic beige influencer culture 🎨
• Our current obsession with Wuthering Heights and emotionally unavailable fictional men 🖤🌫️
• New Gen Z slang like “iPhone face” and “unc status” (and why we might qualify)

We also break down the Top 20 shows people swear they’ll NEVER watch — including some that may cause mild outrage (sorry in advance, Schitt’s Creek fans 😬).

It’s relatable, it’s unfiltered, it’s a little chaotic — but it’s ours.

Send in your confessions.
 Embrace your unc status.
 And remember… sometimes the universe dents a bumper and keeps it moving. 🚙✨

🎧 New episodes weekly.

In this chaotic (and completely on-brand) episode of This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast, Jen and Ashten launch their brand-new segment “Jen’s Fever Dream Jukebox” — where they react to iconic (and slightly unhinged) music videos from the past. First up? The 80s one-hit wonder “Into the Night”… and let’s just say 👀 things get awkward fast. Between payphone serenades, magic carpet rides, and questionable age gaps, the girls ask the important question: How did we think this was romantic? 😂

But the episode doesn’t stop at retro cringe.

The conversation pivots into something deeper — adult friendships, Enneagram personality types (Type 7 vs. Type 8 energy 💥), communication styles, and why direct honesty can either build connection… or start a knife fight. They unpack what each personality needs in friendship, why fixing isn’t always helping, and how real bonds require effort, vulnerability, and sometimes tough conversations.

There are dream interpretations, karaoke hot takes, Bon Jovi fangirl moments, Justin false-alarm chaos, impulse buying confessions, and a reminder that adult relationships — whether friends or family — only work when you intentionally show up.

Basically: chaos, comedy, and a little therapy session wrapped into one 🎢

If you’ve ever:

• Rewatched an old music video and thought “Wait… WHAT?”
• Struggled between being the fixer or the feeler in friendships
• Avoided a hard conversation 👀
• Or rage-ordered something on Amazon…

This one’s for you.

Press play… and pray. 🎶✨

🎵 Fair Use Disclaimer

We use short clips of music and videos for commentary, reaction, roasting, loving, questioning life choices, and general “what is happening here?” analysis.

Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, this qualifies as Fair Use for purposes like criticism, commentary, and education (yes, you’re learning things here… probably).

We are not claiming ownership of any songs, videos, or clips featured. All rights belong to their original creators. We are simply talking over them with strong opinions and occasional unhinged energy.

If you’re a copyright owner and have concerns, please reach out before sending the copyright cavalry. We’re nice. Mostly. 😌

Love is Dead, The Dog Ate My Jewelry, & The Lottery Husband Ritual
Buckle up, chaos gremlins, because this episode started with a plan and ended in a full-blown existential crisis. We kick things off with our absolute favorite new segment, Listeners Confessions, and let’s just say some of you need a priest, a lawyer, or at least a better hiding spot for your browser history.
We also announce our brand new Monday segment—a weekly dose of unhinged, concentrated chaos that only the two of us could possibly survive. If you thought we were loud before, just wait until Monday rolls around.
The Valentine’s Massacre (of Joy)
Jen decides to subject Ashten to a Valentine’s-themed game, which goes about as well as a screen door on a submarine. Ashten’s hatred for February 14th is so potent she manages an epic fail that might actually be a new world record for "Least Romantic Person Alive."
We dive into why Valentine’s Day is a performative, commercialized nightmare, covering:
• The School Trauma: Why we’re still bitter about the kid with the "special" cards.
• The Silent Scoreboard: Why your relationship shouldn't feel like a graded final exam.
• The Tragic Reality: We look up the most watched movie on V-Day and—shocker—it’s a total tear-jerker. Because apparently, we all want to spend our "romantic" evening sobbing into a bowl of pasta.
Medieval Curses & ER Proposals
Think your V-Day was bad? We explore The Lottery Husband Ritual from medieval France, where if a guy "swiped left" on his random date, the rejected women would literally build bonfires and curse his entire existence. (Note to self: Bring this back for 2026).
We also countdown the Worst Valentine’s Luck stories, including:
• The $800 gift that became dog confetti.
• The "Accidental Group Text" breakup (RIP to that man's dignity).
• The guy who walked a 5-foot teddy bear back to his car in "the loudest silence in history."
The Pivot to Paranoia
Finally, because we are incapable of staying on script, we completely ditch the "Love" theme for a Deep Dive into Conspiracies. It wasn’t on the agenda, it wasn’t requested, and it’s definitely going to get us flagged by the government, but here we are. From lizard people to the "real" reason for chocolate shortages, we’re going down the rabbit hole and taking you with us.

What starts as a simple debate over pineapple on pizza 🍍🍕 immediately spirals into Weight Watchers trauma 🧮, big-hair nostalgia 💇‍♀️, diet culture lies 😵‍💫, and the deeply unwell beauty standards of the 90s/early 2000s 👖✨.

In this episode, the hosts unpack everything from zero-point mushrooms 🍄 and post-weigh-in sabotage lunches 🌮🍟 to perms, bangs, and the emotional damage of low-rise jeans 😭. They also get into Kelly Clarkson news 🎤, Kelly Osbourne discourse 👀, celebrity body scrutiny 📸, grief in the public eye 💔, and why women are still expected to shrink themselves — quietly 🙃.

Along the way: kitchen-table gossip ☕️, childhood storytelling 🧙‍♀️📖, phone scanners 📡, confession-level nosiness 🕵️‍♀️, and a surprisingly emotional dive into ChatGPT-generated book titles 🤖📚 that feel way too accurate.

It’s funny 😂, messy 🌀, nostalgic 🫶, and honest 💯 — the kind of conversation that jumps topics but somehow still tells the truth.

If you’ve ever cried in a dressing room 🛍️😬, argued about pizza toppings 🍕, loved a good gossip session 🫢, or survived the 90s with your self-esteem mostly intact 💀… this one’s for you ✨💛.

This week’s Listener Confession Friday takes a sharp left turn into private-investigator territory 🕵️‍♀️ when an anonymous listener admits just how far they went to get the one thing no one would give them: a straight answer. What starts as unanswered texts and vague replies spirals into church livestreams ⛪, Instagram sleuthing 📸, and the kind of detective work that would make the FBI say, “okay… maybe chill.”

From there, Jen and Ashten unpack why people are so allergic to direct communication 🙄, how “lukewarm” answers keep people emotionally stuck 🫠, and why closure sometimes requires seeing the truth with your own two eyes 👀. The conversation gets real about dating double standards, age gaps 💅, and why honesty feels harder than ever — especially when rejection is involved.

And because this is This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast, things don’t stay serious for long 🤡. The episode wraps with Super Bowl chaos 🏈, mascot games 🐻🦅🐬, snack stadium plans 🍪🏟️, and the kind of unhinged side quests that make absolutely no sense but feel deeply necessary.

If you’ve ever spiraled 🌀, investigated 🔍, demanded clarity 🗣️, or just wanted someone to say yes or no already — this one’s for you 💀✨

This week we solve absolutely nothing… but loudly.

We start off by discussing unresolved beef with people who don’t even know they’re in beef with us. You know the kind. No fight. No argument. Just vibes. Bad ones. And somehow we think the best conflict resolution strategy is walking up to someone and saying:

“What’s your problem?”

Which, historically, has never escalated anything. Ever. 🙂

From there we spiral into parenting stories where we admit that half of parenting is just trying not to say what you’re actually thinking out loud and instead inventing creative phrases like:

“It’s a word.”
“I just want to watch.”
“Please stop narrating your fears.”

We discuss kids with imaginary concerns, sibling chaos, and how humor is the only reason any of our children are still alive and we are not in jail.

Then we take a heartfelt, chaotic detour to honor queen of our childhood
Katherine O’Hara (chatgpt://generic-entity?number=0) — who shaped us in ways our therapists are still unpacking.

And because this is Super Bowl week, we somehow turn into fake football historians and drop trivia like we’ve been ESPN analysts our entire lives, while also admitting that our family football traditions are 90% snacks, 5% yelling, and 5% pretending we understand what a down is.

We talk:
    •    relationship miscommunication
    •    parenting survival tactics
    •    football facts we did not verify
    •    childhood nostalgia
    •    and why sometimes you just need to say the quiet part out loud… but funny

This episode has everything:
passive aggression, active aggression, parenting delusion, sports confusion, and emotional damage brought to you by the 90s.

You will learn nothing.
You will feel seen.
You will absolutely question why we have a podcast.

This episode starts exactly how you’d expect from two Texas women personally victimized by ice: road rage, sliding vehicles, and what we are now officially calling VEHICULAR IRRITATION. If you’ve ever white-knuckled a steering wheel while judging every other driver’s life choices, welcome home.

Then we hit a Listener Confession that is so diabolically organized it honestly deserves a filing cabinet and a paralegal. A sweet angel of a woman has been keeping a running diary of grievances in case she ever needs it for a divorce and we immediately agree: this is genius, this is petty, this is inspirational, this is how history should be documented.

From there, because our brains do not drive in straight lines, we somehow end up asking:
How do they decide an animal is extinct?
Like… did they text the animal? Did it leave them on read? Who is out there doing roll call for species??

Naturally this leads us into Hollywood, where nobody has an original idea and everyone is 22 years too young to be cast as someone’s romantic interest. We spiral into reboot rage, questionable casting choices, and the very uncomfortable truth that sometimes actors have a little too much chemistry and now we’re all watching what feels like their real relationship unfold on screen.

We also uncover a list of hobbies that, for reasons science cannot explain, attract an alarming number of absolute d-bags. If you do these hobbies… we are so sorry you had to find out this way.

AND THEN.

We remember.

TODAY IS EPISODE 50.

Fifty episodes of chaos. Fifty episodes of asking questions no one asked for. Fifty episodes of you enabling this behavior.

We wrap it up by announcing our upcoming Super Bowl commentary because nothing says “sports analysis” like two women who will absolutely be talking about commercials, halftime outfits, and snacks like it’s a national emergency.

As always:
Listener Confessions continue to be the best part of this show.
The weather is our villain origin story.
Hollywood needs adult supervision.
And hobbies are apparently a red flag.

Welcome to Episode 50.
We are not getting better

This episode starts innocent enough with a simple question:
If you could only listen to ONE movie soundtrack for the rest of your life… what is it?

And somehow… SOMEHOW… we end up spiraling into a full psychological breakdown about super moms, sleep schedules, and why it is deeply offensive when their husbands admire them too.

Like sir???
You see her packing organic lunches at 5:12am and you’re impressed??
We are over here eating cheese sticks and drinking coffee like raccoons with Wi-Fi.

We discuss the moms who:
    •    Volunteer
    •    Meal prep
    •    Work out
    •    Pack themed lunches
    •    Know where everyone’s shoes are
    •    And somehow look moisturized

WHEN DO THEY SLEEP.
ARE THEY GOVERNMENT ISSUED.

And worse… we admit the truth no one wants to say out loud:

We are jealous of the super moms.
We are jealous that their husbands are like, “Wow babe you’re amazing.”

Then we take a sharp left turn into:

🌞 Morning Person Energy vs Night Owl Energy — and realize society is run by people who wake up before their alarm and feel morally superior about it.

We break down:
    •    People who say “Let’s knock this out early” and mean it
    •    People who send life-changing texts at 1:47am
    •    The science-ish reason neither of these people are wrong
    •    And how you’re not lazy… you’re just on a different operating system

Also discussed:
    •    Why morning people trust routines more than people
    •    Why night owls reorganize their entire life at midnight
    •    Why sunlight does NOT fix emotional problems, Jennifer
    •    And what part of your personality people tried to “fix” that was actually your superpower

This episode is part self-help, part mom jealousy, part sleep psychology, and part soundtrack nostalgia spiral.

We learned nothing.
We judged everyone.
We mostly judged ourselves.

And by the end, we still don’t know:
    •    When super moms sleep
    •    Why their husbands hype them up
    •    Or what soundtrack we’re picking

But we do know this:

Society favors the people who answer emails at 6am.
And we would like to formally opt out.

🎙️ Episode: “Say Something Nice or Remain Silent (We Spiraled Instead)”
📅 January 24 – Compliment Day

This episode is sponsored by movie rentals, emotional damage caused by the 90s, and men who will never live up to Patrick Swayze. 🕯️💃🫠

We kick things off with a Listener Confession from Tina Green, who bravely admits that every time she listens to us, it directly impacts her husband’s bank account. 🎬💸 Between Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (Ashten is RIGHT—Ben is the hottest), Gone With the Wind (Jen is ALSO right—Scarlett is a certified brat), Oklahoma, and our cabaret-induced spiral into Beaches, Sleepless in Seattle, and The First Wives Club… the rentals are adding up FAST.

And then Tina casually drops the most unhinged confession of all—she talks back to us through her TV and pretends she’s in bed with us during the episode.
Honestly? That’s friendship. That’s commitment. That’s alarming. 🤦‍♀️📺🛏️

AFTER confessions, Ashten absolutely loses it and goes on a full rant about how 90s movies RUINED relationships by setting wildly unrealistic expectations. We’re talking:
    •    Grand gestures
    •    Soulmates
    •    Men who magically understand emotions
    •    And the emotional chokehold of Ghost

Which leads to Ashten boldly declaring she is still waiting on her Patrick Swayze pottery-wheel, Ghost-style moment because frankly… the bar was set and it has NOT been met. 🕯️👻💔

From there we veer into Carpool Karaoke chaos—who are you choosing to ride shotgun and scream lyrics with you, and who is absolutely banned from touching the aux cord?

Jen then tells the story of an Uber driver who is convinced an actual angel once rode in his car, and we attempt (and fail) to unpack that information responsibly. 😇🚗

Because it’s Compliment Day, we end things by asking the real questions:
👉 What’s the compliment someone gave you that still lives rent-free in your head?
Not “you’re a good mom” or “you’re a good friend”—but the one that stopped you in your tracks and stuck with you forever.

It’s emotional. It’s hilarious. It’s wildly unhinged.
Talk back to your TV. Lower your expectations (thanks, 90s movies).
And remember:

Say something nice… or remain silent.
(We clearly chose chaos.)