Tim Goodman's TV Talk Machine

Oh, heck yes we have calls. And MP3s. We complained about the lack of them, and voila they arrived. Question Boy (Chronicle media and politics writer Joe Garofoli) details why Benny is out (we think he listened to an entire podcast for the first time, THEN had the heart attack) and the recent appearance of Voice of America in the podcave. Benny, by the way, told super sub producer Justin Beck where the MP3s were hiding. So we air those. Lots of stuff to air. Plus: Dark heart cackles. A child calls no, not the butt call from court and we think the little tyke threatened us. In related youth news, "the kids love Justin's potty mouth." Also, Justin's Corner taps into the slacker market: "I've just quit caring." A letter from Prague! (Cue: Porno Putin.) Taldar calls and uses Wickedmachine to beat us down! Walter from Florida says he's grown "disturbingly fond of Porno Dick" and then stumps us with a question (I know, stunner). Worse, he prefaces the question by saying he probably should have just asked Amber. So maybe we'll Ask Amber next time. Andrew calls from Ireland and then calls for TVTM's first gay Question Boy! It's a quick, "compelling" podcast with surprising turns and tons of "quality," so don't miss it.

Justin finds all the messages people left for Benny (better late than never!) and we have a record amount of MP3s.

After acknowledging that producer Benny Evangelista had a heart attack recently but is recovering nicely and should return sometime soon to man the knobs we get back to business at the TVTM. And that business is to give the people nothing. ("And loving it!") We actually do have stuff to talk about. The Voice of America was filming and recording Question Boy (Chronicle media and political writer Joe Garofoli) for a story about what journalists are doing in new media areas to enhance their positions. So I guess his being Porno Putin and Bill Walton makes him the poster boy for how NOT to branch out. We have a lot of TV and non-TV news, including how Nickelodeon is trying to get ahead of the New Dora controversy by sending out a statement about how she's "age appropriate" and that she has not, as we've said, grown into a hootchie skank. Taking this one step further (of course) we imagine how "Maisy" grows into a more adult oriented series, where Charlie ends up on "Bars." Later we have a HUGE announcement about "Benny's Corner." Here's a hint: TVTM management has decided to shift "Justin's Corner" (that's super-sub producer Justin Beck, who's propensity to swear really resonates with the young crowd) to one of our other properties, like MTV or the CW. Something good is going to come out of Benny's ticker problems and that something is, well, enormous profits for the TVTM corporation. In addition, some of the people on our TVTM Facebook page discuss what Benny's show should be about. And hey, we found BobMac's "lost" MP3 message, where he "re-edits" our reading of his script for "Bars," adding a laugh track. Yes, he's turned "Bars" into a sitcom instead a bleak documentary. He even lays in a bit of our unofficial theme song, "Mission Rock Resort" from Mark Eitzel of American Music Club. The script doesn't make much more sense to us with a laugh track. But hey, as Eitzel says, "Nothing changes. Not ever."

It's uncharacteristic of us to ever turn serious in regard to the TV Talk Machine, but we thought it was time to tell you the good news about some recent bad news. On March 4, our friend, colleague and producer, Benny Evangelista, had a heart attack. He's now out of the hospital and well on his way to recovery, but we thought you should know -- with Benny's blessing -- why he's been absent and could be for a couple of more weeks or until he's feeling good enough to come back to work. By all accounts, Benny got really lucky and caught some breaks (we'll spare you the details, but Benny says that if you're feeling chest pains, even some you might not think are related to a heart attack, take action right away...We think Benny's love of "Scrubs" contributed to him being drawn to a hospital and the early arrival did more than you could ever know). We're happy to report that Benny, aka Manny, aka Chocoknobs, is feeing much better. Enough so that he confirms that all those missing MP3s and such are in a special place and he'll try to get them to Justin Beck, our super-sub producer, when he can. Also, Joe Garofoli -- aka Question Boy -- and I would like fans of the twisted humor of the TVTM to rest assured that once we found out Benny was going to make it, we took the opportunity to make fun of him. When Justin and Marcus Chan set up a digital recorder so that people at the Chronicle could wish Benny well when he was in the ICU, Joe and I recorded a message that started, "Well, we hope you're laying down for this....It's going to be 47 minutes." We told him that "faking" a heart attack was the sleaziest stunt we'd ever seen to bring back "Benny's Corner." And we told him that the "Save Benny's Corner" fan page on Facebook had been changed to a more simple "Save Benny." We also promised a lingering, inappropriate hug in his hospital shorty robe. In all seriousness, we'll definitely welcome back our essential podcast partner with a warm embrace when he's ready. In the meantime, grant us -- and Justin -- a little slack if we came up a little short in the two podcasts this week. Also, you may have noticed that we cooled it on the plans to have a big TV Talk Machine beer bash at the 21st Amendment in San Francisco. Just when we were ready to drink, Benny had to go and ruin it by nearly dying (yep, they had to use the paddles on him.) But never fear, when the time is right, we can now turn it into a Welcome Back Benny/TVTM Birthday bash and the fine folks at the 21st Amendment have generously agreed to let our extended family of listeners come in, perhaps even to our own area, and fill the place with bad Bill Walton impressions.

There's a machine that records our voices. We borrowed Justin Beck to turn it on. Question Boy (Chronicle media and political writer Joe Garofoli) spoke into one microphone. I spoke into the other. When it was over, this is what happened.

Here's the promised podcast interview with Mitch Hurwitz and Will Arnett. Hurwitz is the creator of "Arrested Development" and Fox's upcoming animated series "Sit Down, Shut Up" airing in April. Hurwitz also has a plethora of pilots that could be picked up this season including a remake of "Absolutely Fabulous." He has a lot of insight into the creative process and how things get done in the TV industry -- much of it funny after the fact (keep an ear out for his reference to "Dollhouse"). And yes, he talks about the "AD" movie. Fans of the comedic call-back (which "AD" was masterful at) take note: Hurwitz says there are still jokes and references they planted in the series that they want to revisit in the movie. As for Arnett, he was not only in "Arrested Development" but then succeeded in a variety of small roles on the big screen and a brilliant recurring cameo in "30 Rock." He's got a voice role in "Sit Down, Shut Up," plus a holding deal at Fox (possibly for a show that Hurwitz may helm). In the meantime, he showed up here and, well, listen to what happens.

Jason provides a new theme song. The man is tireless. "And loving it!" And yes, we have a normal (wait, "normal") assortment of stupidity, nonsense, non-answers, calls, e-mails, MP3s and a four page script for "Bars" sent in by BobMac from the 707, which we read cold (and badly, but at least with some awareness that we're bad, which might be funny). Also: "You've gotta be cruel to be kind." Wickedmachine beats us down and makes us kill a bunch of our bad segments. Precision anger. All told, we're actually pretty pleased with this podcast, even if it was temporarily forgotten. "Enjoy."

Well, on the day we get to post the 100th episode of our TV Talk Machine podcast, we now have to expedite the plans for that party. Given the news regarding The Chronicle today, it would be nice to be around for Ep. 200 -- or Ep. 103, for that matter. So, yes, we're going to hoist some beers (and relatively quickly) to celebrate our 2nd Birthday and 100th episode and maybe for some good luck cheers as we attempt to stay alive in the ever churning world of journalism. But let's stay positive here: We've got a special 100th episode theme from Jason (and even a 101st theme too!), a lot of congratulatory calls and letters, plus Question Boy (Chronicle media and politics writer Joe Garofoli) brings out a new voice pretty early on. It's a familiar one if you watched the Oscars. Manny (Benny Evangelista) lets us bloat this podcast up because "it's special" and we try to make the most of it. We talk about the Oscars, about going to the 21st Amendment for some brews, a call from Taldar, and best yet, Peter Hartlaub's Cousin's cousin -- aka Peter Hartlaub -- got called out by an old friend of his on OUR TV Talk Machine Facebook page, saying that at one point in high school Peter performed a rap. We called Peter to ask if this was actually true. And he rapped for us. Seriously. And he used the words "Ford Pinto" in the rap. We consider that his gift to us on our 100th episode -- and it's his first official appearance, which puts him 97 behind his cousin, Laura Jean. Regulars like George D. calls in with good wishes and Hanna from Sweden not only wrote in but she sent a picture of herself holding up the TVTM logo while standing in the snow! We appreciate the support. We'll keep cranking them out until, well, until we're no longer allowed in the building.

Thanks to QB for dreaming up both a Maxwell Smart voice and also Vladimir Putin and Porno Putin. ("I am going to go to Black Sea resort and pick up whores!") Question Boy gets put on the spot immediately and rallies, even if he confuses William Shatner with my David Brinkley. He does come up with Generic Latin Suave Man. (It's a start...). "That's going to need some shower time." Our 99th episode is ripe with stupidity. And we do mean ripe. The onus has fallen on me to do something special for our 100th episode (translation: not bloody likely). We're hoping to do something at the 21st Amendment in San Francisco. Jason has promised a special theme song. But we'd like to caution -- as if you need to be told -- that this may not unfold in a timely manner. Give us a little room to move and scheme and we'll get something done. If all else fails, we'll shelve the 'cast and invite everybody for a mid-day beer. Raise your hand if you can make a mid-day beer! Alright then. Enjoy the podcast. Whoops -- "enjoy."

Well, this is a first: We actually remembered our birthday before it happened. Normally it's a couple of months too late. And in all honesty, Manny (Benny Evangelista) remembered. (Of course, he came upon the anniversary date while preparing to tell us he wouldn't get the second of this week's podcasts up until the weekend...but still....). Happy 2nd Birthday, TVTM! Honestly, we had no idea we'd make it to the second podcast much less our second year. And next Monday is our 100th podcast. The only thing we can garner from all of this is: You people are crazy. And we love your crazy love for us. For two years we've given you essentially nothing but pointless rambling with the occasional snippet of actual TV news tossed in. Oh, sure, we've given the world -- and we do have an international audience -- a taste of Bill Walton. Question Boy (Chronicle media and politics writer Joe Garofoli) has also given the podcasting world an assortment of badly done impressions. We've sworn a lot. We've worn incredibly inappropriate shorty robes. We've turned "Dora the Explorer" into a gun-toting hootchie skank. We've learned a lot about area codes. And we've broken every rule of making short, understandable and informative podcasts. But we really haven't provided much else. So, as unbelievable as this seems to the three of us here at TVTM, we thank you sincerely for indulging us.