Tim Goodman's TV Talk Machine

We did our part. We rambled forever. We took calls and read e-mails and did dumb stuff. That's what we do. That's our ART, man. So here it is. With one strange caveat. I think we forgot to do Walton. Seriously.

The holiday songs have been sung, the presents unwrapped (thanks, Santa, for the velveteen shorty robe) and we have said goodbye to 2008 (velveteen shorty robe a HUGE hit at the party). Vacation, holidays, sick days -- all over. Time to work in the new year. So here it is, our very first TVTM podcast of 2009. In a surprising twist, we actually have some TV related content here. Lots of it, actually. And by the time our second TVTM goes up on Thursday (or whenever -- some things never change) we will have effectively bridged the gap between lost letters and forgotten calls of 2008 and the timely reading and playing of same in 2009. In short, we were efficient and productive. Which brings us (us being Yours Truly, Question Boy and Manny) to the root of the issue in this first podcast: Should we make some changes, add some elements, spruce it up a bit? Maybe some regular features, some more technical wizardry, a touch of info? Let us know. We got one caller already who said don't change anything, just make it appear on time. To that, we say "done." Enjoy. Or, "enjoy."

So, yeah, we were off for about a month. Vacations. Being sick. "Manny being Manny." But we got the Three Wise Men back in the studio (insert uproarious laughter right here) and went to work on bringing the TV Talk Machine podcast back to life for two versions this week. Question Boy (aka Joe Garofoli, Chronicle media writer) and Manny (aka Benny Evangelista, former savior to the Business Departement and "Tech Talk" guru) join me in the studio as we craft a real piece of work. Or piece of something. It's a pre-Christmas, end of 2008, feel-good chat-fest. We answer mail from November. We air calls. We wear Santa shorty robes. We drop the lengthy lead-in trying to explain what we're doing. And, without trying (because we never try) a theme develops: Worldwide Walton. French Walton. Irish Walton. Martinez French Walton. Canadian French Walton. Santa Walton. And yes, we even have a picture of the Big Man for all the people in the world who don't know who Bill Walton is, what he looks like or why we keep doing really bad impressions of him. It's a festive podcast! Joy to the world!

Yeah, it's late. Whatever. Benny apparently finished his basement work (at the Chronicle, not at Chez Manny), sometime on Sunday, but it's not like I'm home frantically checking for his updates. And yet, here it is, in all of its glory. And yes, it's oozing glory. See the info in Part 1 to give you a pretty good idea of what's going to happen here. Since we're so late in this week's double-dose, we're going to skip a week to try to get back on track. It will allow me to catch up on all the shows I'm now dreadfully and frantically behind on. It will allow Question Boy to do whatever it is he does. And it will allow Benny to toil in the basement for Moreworkus Chan a week longer.

We cold call Daniel in Toronto and make him answer a very hard question. Then we accuse him of flirting with J.J. Abrams. It's very complicated. And very flirty. And we call him on the usurping Amber thing. And we make another hockey reference (That's pretty much the extent of our Canadian understanding, outside of the beer.) Daniel does a fine job. At some point, we answer questions. Mostly accurately. And take calls.

I provide an explanation, nearly two years too late, about what we do and what you're listening to (hey, we're adding lots of new listeners who have no idea what they're getting into or hearing). After that, we get to a string of letters, accusations, suggestiveness, poorly executed singing and random vocal mannerisms (translation: our usual stuff). I then read a letter that suggests I've been flirting with Amber from Canada (aka Ask Amber). Duh. Of course. But the e-mailer wonders what Mrs. Cranky Pants thinks of this. I respond that we flirt with pretty much everyone. And we have, since the very first podcast. I then flirt with Benny. And in giving my elaborate reasoning for ongoing flirting, I reference a Graham Parker song called "Just Like Herman Hesse," where the chorus is, "You chose the spirit/And I chose the flesh/Just like Herman Hesse." Great song. Great, forgotten singer-songwriter. Then a fellow Canadian -- from www.tvaddict.com -- calls out Amber. He wants to be the new go-to question answer person when we outsource our questions. That's not nice, Daniel, trying to check Amber into the boards! We thought you Canadians played nice? We then flirt with Daniel.

Calls and letters from around the globe. A song for Joe. Our man in France resurfaces -- and his name is Jerry. And we all totally lose it in the podcave when Joe does his French Walton. Maybe there really was some kind of genius in not telling people outside of America who Bill Walton really was, because not knowing allowed them to do their own versions. A man for all seasons, all countries. But now, none better than French Walton.

Take the TVTM to the polls with you! Help kill the time -- "and any intellectual curiosity you might have." So sayeth Question Boy (Joe Garofoli) who helped bang out this podcast before donning his Election Shorty Robe (with bunting!)and jumping on a plane to cover the election. Good for him. It's handy to remember he's actually a journalist, not just a guy who does really lousy voices on this podcast. (Though, I must say with glowing praise that on the very next podcast -- Thursday -- Joe does Bill Walton in French and I haven't laughed that hard or that long in a really, really long time. Same goes for Manny -- Benny Evangelista -- who, I think, is still laughing.) Not that Thursday's podcast will be better than this one. Because in this very podcast we talk about tattoos, we call Amber in Canada (yes, that Amber -- she really does exist) and one of us in the podcave decides to get an Amber tattoo. At any rate, we do farm out a question to Canada, which either complies with NAFTA or assures that we have foreign friends in hard times. And then we take calls and e-mails from around the globe. And we continue to discuss Pliny the Elder. Somewhere in there, actual talk about television occurs. And then we all hug it out. Yes, even Angry Regis. Now, go vote. And bring us with you! Vote early and often for us! Then, on Thursday, whatever you do, don't miss French Walton. Gah!

First, a few minutes on drinking and throwing up. But then -- after a lovely musical interlude, we have a chat about "Mad Men." Question Boy (Joe Garofoli) is a huge fan of the series and, of course, I am as well. On this very Bastard Machine blog you can find three long and detailed entries that 1) Deconstruct Season 2 up until the finale 2) Deconstruct the finale and 3) discuss 10 mostly relevant questions about the show going forward. Then after that, we dumb it back down. But, we keep it positive. We remain upbeat. In fact, we come up with a new plan to help people enjoy the TVTM on their own terms. It involves us riding in your car. Or going shopping with us. Check it out. After that -- calls, letters. Hey, Barnz, dude -- did you call? Was that you? Elsewhere in the podcast: A sharing of laughs. Some talk about swivel-heads. Not a lot of answers. Also, a zip code instead of an area code. Question Boy also laughs uproariously at a woman who called the wrong number. We also finally have an answer to one of our most asked questions: "When is 'The Riches' coming back?" In addition -- because this podcast is ALWAYS about "added value" -- we talk about the Bridge Concert and various musical acts (including Wilco -- my vote for the best American band). In between, there's a point in there about a blind date with Mrs. CrankyPants, some chit chat about Jenny Lewis/Rilo Kiley....Oh, wait! There's some more: We do some rambling. Our research indicates that people really love the rambling. Lastly, a reminder: I did this on my vacation. Who loves ya, baby?

A lonely nation turns its ears to the TVTM and we respond by filling those ears with nothing -- precisely the remedy that will get us through these tough times. After administrative machinations deprived the world of the TVTM, cooler heads have prevailed as international negotiators working around the clock in Geneva and also, simultaneously, in a small, secret space inside the United Nations, have reconciled who will "work the knobs" to end this crisis. That would be Manny, aka Benny Evangelista. Despite overwhelming protests from around the globe that Question Boy (aka Joe Garofoli) be dumped "for someone who can read" or, roughly translated from French newspaper accounts, "someone not so ridiculously insipid," QB has somehow held his job. He also got a golden parachute executive package that was apparently part of the $700 billion bailout package. We are back. We come to you unprepared but feeling positive. And positively giddy. Also positively Waltonish. That said, we recorded two podcasts for this week and then Manny said he was going to cut and splice the genius of the two in various ways, so we don't actually know what content is in either podcast. Ha. "Content." Just seeing if you were paying attention. Thank you for voting!