Tim Goodman's TV Talk Machine

The TVTM podcast: Making America great again, one unanswered question at a time. Oh, how we kid. First, this is an International podcast. We don't skew local. We even got a letter from Israel. Of course, Benny found it after the podcast, so that will get read next week. Secondly, we answered lots of questions. Oh yes we did. Question Boy (Chronicle media writer Joe Garofoli) was even reasonably articulate and focused. We hit the podcave running. We kept the podcast relatively short. Uh, "short." It's also lean, highly informative, balanced between e-mails and calls, fleetingly entertaining, almost cohesive and only periodically dips into childish humor, leering double entendres and spiteful recrimination between three men in shorty robes. Around here we call that a job well done. Go America!

We reach out and touch people in this podcast -- and they like it. Well, OK, we only called out of the podcave to one person, but you never know when your phone will ring! All across the globe, but strangely enough not Central America or China or India (what is wrong with you people -- get on the horn!) we field television questions and, in a dramatic change, actually answer them. Another big-time bloated podcast, but hey, you'll miss us when we go on vacation! Soak up the bloat! Besides, someone had a dream about the podcast! Joe Garofoli, aka Question Boy, reads the letter with incredible, breathy suspense, but unfortunately it doesn't end with shorty robes tossed about, but with Benny/Manny doing some repair work. That totally bummed our voyage. But hey, someone called from the Yukon. Tyler! Yes! The Arctic Far North! Of course, we had to have Benny look that up because we didn't even know where Edinburgh was last week. Hello Scotland! (Plus, we get points for renaming Halifax as "Hellafax" in the last podcast...t-shirts pending...). As a bonus, Hanna from Sweden calls with an MP3 and displays her Irish accent and talks about her Brit past. The trifecta! Plus, a voice from the past -- Amandapants. She got a job! And digital cable! Oh, Lord, calls galore! So many e-mails we couldn't get to them. I fire Joe three times. Appearances to note: Cougars, Kittens, bongs, Walton, dramatic re-enactments of the World's Best As-Yet-Unfilmed Reality Series, "Bars" and one song from the 1980s!

After Question Boy, Joe Garofoli, ruined everything last week by spending quality time with his family, we are finally back with a TVTM podcast that more than makes up for what you missed last week -- in length. We tried to improve the quality as well, then got interrupted and went to lunch. That might have messed things up. And it will surely ruin Part 2, coming Thursday, which will also be bloated, rambling, pointless and shameful.

In this podcast, we make a vow: No more lies! Total transparency! "We don't know what we're doing...It's Benny's fault." We bust open the lie behind this two-part podcast fraud. Which is that we record one super-bloated podcast and then we hack it into bits. And Benny puts it back together, re-animator style. So it's not two. It's one. Filled with lies. And, as you'd expect, lameness. Chronicle media (and political) writer Joe Garofoli continues his butchery of British accents. In fact, the sun never sets on his awfulness. But hey, that doesn't stop either one of us from bringing the stupid. In fact, Joe and I do hockey announcer voices. It went pretty well. We may bring them back. We sing now with an alarming lack of embarrassment. This episode: "Ebony and Ivory" and "Don't Go Back to (Rockridge)" -- our modification of an R.E.M. song to reflect our neighborhood. Possibly some Clash. But there's always some Clash. We're like poster children for Uncut magazine. By the way, this podcast is mostly calls. We were called out -- rightly -- by Martin in S.F. for having all the e-mails in the first podcast and the phone calls in the second (we're hoping to change that, but again -- it's Benny's fault). Also, thanks to Josh in the Five and Dime for our wonderful -- and totally illegal -- opening theme song. I'll send a message to Mitch Hurwitz of "Arrested Development" fame and have him call off the legal dogs. All told -- some decent information in this one. Some e-mails. Some phone calls. A lot of patching together in a kind of miraculous fashion. And then it devolves to the point where we confuse the Dalai Lama with the Amish. Don't ask. It had something to do with being a Luddite. We're hoping to do our next podcast live from the 21st Amendment bar in San Francisco and we're confident that such a setting will greatly improve the professionalism -- and our memories. Someone asked us about "The Citizen Kane of single camera sitcoms?" Wow. Good question, Charles! Booze and beer in El Paso is what fires up a question like that. Charles is now officially invited to our remote podcast from the 21st Amendment. Even though we haven't been invited there or even set it up. Use your frequent flier miles, Charles! Oh, and Joe uses the phrases "Table-setter" and "the turkey's on the table" which are wholly inappropriate for people who don't think like we do. Apologies -- again. We would love to hear your voice. Please tell us where you're from. And your area code, because we like that kind of thing. As a bonus, if you're a woman with a British accent, we'll talk about you for pretty much the entire podcast. And for those of you keeping track, we have zero calls from Latin America and none from Tibet. Let's fix that. Lastly, on April 23rd, a full 8,729 people downloaded my interview with Michael C. Hall of "Dexter." In one day. And we have no idea why that happened on that day. If you know, please tell. And we hope you liked the interview. Cheers to all.

Quick out of the gate with few stumbles, a new (okay, partially "borrowed" theme song from a listener), a call for more such creativity (you want to make us a theme song? -- go for it), more Bill Walton (in fact, we break new ground with him), lots of Angry Regis, some talk about sports announcing, swear words and tons and tons of questions answered! No, really. We do. In fact, we are "efficient." There's also some singing. Some hating. Some Canadian stuff. And we answer a few Ask Mick LaSalle questions as well. See? Full service. Also: "Vomiting is cool." As to our Canadian, British and international "friends," we apologize for saying that we have a toll-free international hotline when, in fact, it's not free. It's only free for Americans. However, since the dollar is taking a beating, it's still worth the money to call us, especially if you have a great accent of any kind.

Sorrys for all my friends! Sorrys on sale! Sorry for the sorrys. But of course, we'll take it all back later. Sorrys are for sissies!

We are known for being all over the map, and even all over the world, but on this podcast we ponder why we're popular in Britain when they have to pay for the call. We discuss the fact that our 888-prefix hotline actually blocks Canadians from calling. (Maybe they don't want to pay for the call?) Question Boy (Chronicle media writer Joe Garofoli) wants people in China to break out to freedom and give us a call. I opt for South America, which is apparently ignoring us. In other news, we talk about why the TV Critic shouldn't be on TV. We bust out the multimedia shorty robes ("that's a cable, right?"). Question Boy does the Worst...British...Accent...Ever. Which means we'll probably lose all of our British listeners. We end up apologizing for this (and soooooo many other things -- which will come in Vol. 2). I denounce nature. Joe does Andy Rooney. But more important: Angry Regis. A lot of our e-mails were long. Really long. And so, unappreciative as we are, we ask for more calls instead. Oh, and we act out a reality show idea passed on by a reader: "Bars," about actual drunks and tosspots. Later, we decide we should do a whole show like this. "Again."

We take a ton of calls in this, our second of two podcasts this week, including a call from London where a guy named Will tells us, definitively, that our international toll-free number is not, in fact, free. In turn, we offer Will a couple of pints and a ticket to the Giants if he ever comes to visit. On the other hand, paying to call the TVTM hasn't stopped our international domination from growing ever larger (this week: Paris, London, South Korea, Calgary!). In fact, Will even likes our Bill Walton impressions. So there. (Of course, Will also asked a question about "Deadwood" and brought up, ahem, that swear word they used a lot on the show, so I had to tell a story about that -- with lots of bleeps.) Benny never lets us get away with anything. Manny, you (beep!)-sucker! We also act out what a documentary on our podcast might sound like. We revisit the idea of Pixie Brawls. A plea goes out for women with British accents to call in (though it might be cheaper if they live in this country now, since the hotline isn't free). I praise (read: lust after) Naomi from "Lost." A lot. Our Question Boy (Chronicle media writer Joe Garofoli) not only sings parts of "Business Time" from Flight of the Conchords and "Career Opportunities" and "London Calling" from The Clash, but mimics a theremin. And the TVTM goes super meta when a caller impersonates Colin Murray from our beloved BBC radio show "Fighting Talk," even though Colin Murray really has no idea that he's our hero (probably because it would cost him money to call us and acknowledge that). Ah, it's always a good time on the TVTM. A long time, but a good time.

We've got a two-part TV Talk Machine podcast this week and I would have had the first part up earlier, but as it turned out the Diamondbacks were in town having a day-game tilt with my beloved G-Men and, well, you can probably guess what happened. We decided to get right into this one (or, "right into this one" in theory, because we're incapable of actually moving forward in a brisk, informative manner) because a listener in France asked us to read his e-mail in the first five minutes and we do pretty much whatever our international callers ask (especially after we learned later that our international toll free number isn't actually free for international callers). Also, the TVTM takes a few minutes to honor Tom Snyder (one of our rare turns of seriousness), and we plow through a ton of letters, try out some slogans ("the podcast of doom"), find a theremin sound, discuss both CBS comedies and MILFs, which doesn't seem plausible; we also sing the praises of "Flight of the Conchords" and some of "Business Time" as well; restate our lust and desire for Jenny Lewis; and dispute an e-mail that claims our Bill Walton impression sounds more like Patrick from "Sponge Bob"; ultimately we ask, "Where's the love?" Don't worry, it all makes sense (actually, no it doesn't).

Joe Garofoli and I were trying to lock down this TV Talk Machine podcast as quickly as possible so that we could walk down and watch the Giants home opener (we didn't know at the time that the G-Men would get pounded, though we did have our suspicions). Opening Day still means something to us because we're proud American baseball fans. So, doing only one podcast this week, we were anxious to make it quick and informative. We did neither. But hey, we were wearing the Bunting Robes, we took a few hacks at e-mail and phone calls (and we were about as successful as the Giants against Greg Maddux); we got bashed for our slackerness from, ahem, Jeff in the NoMi area (North Mission); we also got an e-mail from someone representing the 919 area code (why we love area codes and the respect they engender from the people who live there can't really be explained); and then, after a sagging middle section, we got some great calls, including one mystery caller who completely beat down one of our regular callers. This is what happens when people get angry. And snarky. But we liked it, because she brought the high heat. Oh and before that, we came up with a new segment (or dream): Pixie Girl Brawls! Oh, yeah, we also used a lot of baseball metaphors. And then we had Benny wrap it up so that we could get to the 21st Amendment. Go Giants! And may all your bloop singles and weak flares fall in; may all your double-steals work and your pitching hold up. Otherwise, well, it's a beautiful park.