Today I Learned (Nothing)

Puberty is tough, especially when you're a late bloomer AND on the basketball team. But what about blooming too much, turning you into a 'Squatch-like? Also, watch that video they show you before middle school, we cannot stress that enough.

After Jason shares some BREAKING NEWS about a Stormy Daniels comic series, we learn about his father, whose heart was broken by a tornado what took his true love away decades ago. That's the story Steve has concocted, anyways. The guys also agree that smart storms are better than shark tornadoes and after they start making fun of the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister, they realize they really, really love the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister.

Jason tells Steve about his aversion to costume makeup and why he can never eat in its presence. Steve, once he stops laughing and ridiculing this debilitating disorder, agrees to help him learn more about his unfortunate lot in life. Also, eyes up here, because it's time for daddy's dinner.

Sure, it's the days of the quarantine and we're all stuck indoors together ... but do you know where the children are? Or the family robots? Just something to think about. Also, Steve tells Jason about the talking robot in the Rocky movies, so he has to watch them all immediately. Finally, what would robot farts smell like?

Steve and his friends were always ready for Goonies-like adventure to strike, putting them in a perfect position to capitalize on the war between the Bloods and the Crips in the woods of rural Idaho. Also, have you ever been as content as a kid in a hole with plywood over his head? Jason believes that yes, he has.

Jason explains to Steve why he should be playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. He then decides to never playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

Steve and his roommate jokingly divided their apartment up until the joke was just on them. Jason shared a bed with his brother until he was old enough to carry his weird sleeping habits to his own room. Together, the guys agree to never speak about Skinwalker Ranch and the dangers the dark presents ever again.

Have you ever been sad on a trampoline? No, because it's impossible, even if your friend just murdered the family of squirrels you'd lovingly named and geneologized. Also, should we only ever deliver bad news while bouncing to and fro? Steve files his report. Also, local children are snorting Pixie Stix and Fun Dip to get their kicks. Jason has that hard-hitting look at rural American children and the stupid things they do out of boredom. Today I Learned Nothing is on the air!

It's week 6 (7? 8?) of the quarantine and Steve is nearly weeping into cheeseburgers, so yeah, things are going pretty well. Jason's getting takeout via drug mule restrictions and ok, hot shot, can YOU name any other famous Whos?

Jason recounts the night he thought he came close to accidentally arranging an orgy at his apartment (he didn't). Bored on a New Year's Eve, five people found one another, and discovered that their friend was a much bigger creep than he let on. Steve enjoys playing the Kenickie to Jason's Danny in this one, but also posits that there is more going on in the woods of a small town in America than you realized.